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 STAMFORD,
Connecticut- This just in. News has
just hit our WWE.com offices that WWE's C.E.O., and the
first synthoid robot to ever hold a top-shelf corporate
position, Linda McMahon, quote unquote "malfunctioned" early
yesterday and subsequently went on a rampage, allegedly
murdering upwards of 5 to 10 WWE Superstars. Luckily though, after
taking a quick head count, we discovered that none of our
superstars over 250 pounds were even remotely injured; as luck would
have it, the bulk of the casualties lay within the cruiserweight
division and several of the lesser attractive divas. (Thanks
entirely to the Chairman's split-second advice that Batista , Bobby
Lashley & John Cena use the unwitting bodies of Shannon
Moore, Funaki & Jamie Noble as shields.). As a result of this
quasi-tragedy, WWE wishes these diminutive non-tall,
non-muscle-bound corpses well in all future endeavors... all while
understanding that there's not a lot of endeavors one can follow
when one's dead. However, the 30 day no-compete clause is
STILL in effect, because as we understand it,
Jeff Jarrett was thinking of immediately bringing in the influx of
expired wrestlers to further bolster his company's roster,
irregardless of pulse. When pressed for comment, Mr. Jarrett denied
the claim, but insisted that after hiring the likes of Kevin Nash,
the precedent was already set as far as working with permanently
immobile stars goes. Take this for what it's worth.
As for what made Linda
allegedly "snap" in the first place, information is just now
starting to leak out as far as what exactly happened to the
complicated cybernetic organism we here in WWE have lovingly came to
know as Linda McMahon. One source has gone on record stating that at
approximately 12:15 pm yesterday, Linda became "self aware"...and
not soon thereafter then became "aware" of our creative team's
latest "really exciting" storylines, and then begged anyone who
would listen to revert her back to her original state of
ignorance immediately, just to end her pain. It is said that the complete and
utter horrors of the upcoming direction for WWE
TV then drove Linda McMahon into a state of complete mental
breakdown, resulting in her neural processor short-circuiting. When
pressed for an answer as to how one can even continue
to function without a mind, any rationale, and a basic view of reality, the source revealed that
many in the company's upper management suffered from
this very condition, yet they continued to carry
on fine. Strange indeed.
That said, this story would not
be complete without the Media butting in. In their typical
short-sighted fashion, the completely biased News media
has grabbed a hold of this story, and is subsequently spinning
it into yet another witch-hunt toward the non-existent
"condition" known as "Droid-Rage".
Company chairman and the
personal handler of Linda McMahon, Mr. McMahon, is taping
an appearance on Nancy Grace as we speak, to refute any and
all claims that he purposely supplied Linda McMahon with heavy
artillery, along with several other robots. Nancy's sources will
then claim that Vince also refurbished an entire line of
large ED-209's to completely decimate the
midcard. However, Vince is expected to then reply that
it's pertinent to do so, so when Triple H defeats them all, no one
will be elevated or benefit whatsoever. We don't exactly understand
that logic either. All we do know is that the WWE has in
place a stringent testing program as it pertains to any
potential cyborgs on the WWE roster. And thus far the
results have been beyond reproach. Under the watchful eye of
program head Dr. Miles Dyson, many
superstars were given a full gamut of tests and passed them all with
flying colors today. Even Linda, who as we understand it had an
impressive charisma ratio of 0:0, a feat only matched by one Bobby
Lashley. From there, Dr. Dyson introduced his partner in the Testing
program, Dick Jones, who
insisted that Linda was just fitted with 4 Prime Directives that
prevent her from ever malfunctioning again. We then learned that at
the behest of Vince, some 25 other hand-picked directives were
implemented as well, but most of those involved "poop" and several
ways to allude to someone being a homosexual. All in all it had
little to do with the matter at hand. But boy was it hilarious. Soon
after, while Dick Jones explained in more detail the strict
prevention measures the company has implemented to keep Lin-Mac 3000
"compliment", at the urging of Nancy herself, Vince bellowed his
famous line of "You're Fired!"...to which Linda took as a literal
release from her directives and subsequently annihilated Jones on the
spot, throwing him from the studio window. Oh well.
As the show went on, Mr. McMahon
continued to refute any and all bogus claims, only stopping every so
often so the ever ubiquitous Ron Simmons could enter the
studio, look deadpan at the camera and earn his paycheck.
Among those on the anti-robot panel who were of
course outclassed by our fearless leader, were
Sara Connor, John Connor, Kyle Reese, Officer Murphy and
even Marc Mero, who
unfortunately, half way through the show, after reading aloud his trusty list of wrestlers he believed to be robots, shockingly
had his perpetually frozen visage, thanks to countless
hours of Botox surgeries he's recently undertaken, become
detached from his head and fall to the floor. Mr. McMahon was then
heard stating that if Mero had the ability to do this all along,
he'd still have a job with the company. Everyone then had a good
laugh. Even Mero himself, whose discarded face was said to
slightly grin. (although medics
on the scene are now blaming shock and the final twitching of
exposed nerve endings...).
However, in all this raucous chaos, Linda apparently took the opportunity to escape by bursting through the studio wall and remains at large as we speak. Reputedly at a burned out factory, where she continues to function, living off of baby food, and desperately trying to be re-connected to her fledgling humanity by friends. However, thus far, cries of "Linda, it's you!" have fallen on deaf ears. "Deaf" because Linda apparently disconnected them altogether after listening continuously to a two hour block of Michael Cole commentary. Can't say we blame her.
More on this story and the continuing body count as it happens! But hey, just so you know, you can't really blame us for any of this. Trust me. Did I forget to mention that we put smiles on faces? We're supposed to say that. WE PUT SMILES ON FACES. (except for those destroyed by the Linda McMahon robot. They're probably kind of horrified. But if they weren't mowed down in a blaze of gunfire? Umm, they'd be smiling. Definitely. We promise.). More soon! (but hey, probably not...) | |
