STAMFORD, Connecticut- This just in. News has just hit our offices that WWE's C.E.O., and the first synthoid robot to ever hold a top-shelf corporate position, Linda McMahon, quote unquote "malfunctioned" early yesterday and subsequently went on a rampage, allegedly murdering upwards of 5 to 10 WWE Superstars. Luckily though, after taking a quick head count, we discovered that none of our superstars over 250 pounds were even remotely injured; as luck would have it, the bulk of the casualties lay within the cruiserweight division and several of the lesser attractive divas. (Thanks entirely to the Chairman's split-second advice that Batista , Bobby Lashley & John Cena use the unwitting bodies of Shannon Moore, Funaki & Jamie Noble as shields.). As a result of this quasi-tragedy, WWE wishes these diminutive non-tall, non-muscle-bound corpses well in all future endeavors... all while understanding that there's not a lot of endeavors one can follow when one's dead. However, the 30 day no-compete clause is STILL in effect, because as we understand it, Jeff Jarrett was thinking of immediately bringing in the influx of expired wrestlers to further bolster his company's roster, irregardless of pulse. When pressed for comment, Mr. Jarrett denied the claim, but insisted that after hiring the likes of Kevin Nash, the precedent was already set as far as working with permanently immobile stars goes. Take this for what it's worth.
As for what made Linda allegedly "snap" in the first place, information is just now starting to leak out as far as what exactly happened to the complicated cybernetic organism we here in WWE have lovingly came to know as Linda McMahon. One source has gone on record stating that at approximately 12:15 pm yesterday, Linda became "self aware"...and not soon thereafter then became "aware" of our creative team's latest "really exciting" storylines, and then begged anyone who would listen to revert her back to her original state of ignorance immediately, just to end her pain. It is said that the complete and utter horrors of the upcoming direction for WWE TV then drove Linda McMahon into a state of complete mental breakdown, resulting in her neural processor short-circuiting. When pressed for an answer as to how one can even continue to function without a mind, any rationale, and a basic view of reality, the source revealed that many in the company's upper management suffered from this very condition, yet they continued to carry on fine. Strange indeed.
That said, this story would not be complete without the Media butting in. In their typical short-sighted fashion, the completely biased News media has grabbed a hold of this story, and is subsequently spinning it into yet another witch-hunt toward the non-existent "condition" known as "Droid-Rage".
Company chairman and the personal handler of Linda McMahon, Mr. McMahon, is taping an appearance on Nancy Grace as we speak, to refute any and all claims that he purposely supplied Linda McMahon with heavy artillery, along with several other robots. Nancy's sources will then claim that Vince also refurbished an entire line of large ED-209's to completely decimate the midcard. However, Vince is expected to then reply that it's pertinent to do so, so when Triple H defeats them all, no one will be elevated or benefit whatsoever. We don't exactly understand that logic either. All we do know is that the WWE has in place a stringent testing program as it pertains to any potential cyborgs on the WWE roster. And thus far the results have been beyond reproach. Under the watchful eye of program head Dr. Miles Dyson, many superstars were given a full gamut of tests and passed them all with flying colors today. Even Linda, who as we understand it had an impressive charisma ratio of 0:0, a feat only matched by one Bobby Lashley. From there, Dr. Dyson introduced his partner in the Testing program, Dick Jones, who insisted that Linda was just fitted with 4 Prime Directives that prevent her from ever malfunctioning again. We then learned that at the behest of Vince, some 25 other hand-picked directives were implemented as well, but most of those involved "poop" and several ways to allude to someone being a homosexual. All in all it had little to do with the matter at hand. But boy was it hilarious. Soon after, while Dick Jones explained in more detail the strict prevention measures the company has implemented to keep Lin-Mac 3000 "compliment", at the urging of Nancy herself, Vince bellowed his famous line of "You're Fired!" which Linda took as a literal release from her directives and subsequently annihilated Jones on the spot, throwing him from the studio window. Oh well.
As the show went on, Mr. McMahon continued to refute any and all bogus claims, only stopping every so often so the ever ubiquitous Ron Simmons could enter the studio, look deadpan at the camera and earn his paycheck. Among those on the anti-robot panel who were of course outclassed by our fearless leader, were Sara Connor, John Connor, Kyle Reese, Officer Murphy and even Marc Mero, who unfortunately, half way through the show, after reading aloud his trusty list of wrestlers he believed to be robots, shockingly had his perpetually frozen visage, thanks to countless hours of Botox surgeries he's recently undertaken, become detached from his head and fall to the floor. Mr. McMahon was then heard stating that if Mero had the ability to do this all along, he'd still have a job with the company. Everyone then had a good laugh. Even Mero himself, whose discarded face was said to slightly grin. (although medics on the scene are now blaming shock and the final twitching of exposed nerve endings...).
However, in all this raucous chaos, Linda apparently took the opportunity to escape by bursting through the studio wall and remains at large as we speak. Reputedly at a burned out factory, where she continues to function, living off of baby food, and desperately trying to be re-connected to her fledgling humanity by friends. However, thus far, cries of "Linda, it's you!" have fallen on deaf ears. "Deaf" because Linda apparently disconnected them altogether after listening continuously to a two hour block of Michael Cole commentary. Can't say we blame her.

More on this story and the continuing body count as it happens! But hey, just so you know, you can't really blame us for any of this. Trust me. Did I forget to mention that we put smiles on faces? We're supposed to say that. WE PUT SMILES ON FACES. (except for those destroyed by the Linda McMahon robot. They're probably kind of horrified. But if they weren't mowed down in a blaze of gunfire? Umm, they'd be smiling. Definitely. We promise.).

More soon! (but hey, probably not...)

The Preceding was a PARODY of's *really awesome* articles. I think.
I'm Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk, The Toronto, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless