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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner


Dear Joey Styles,

I hate to have to do this, but I'm cutting you loose.

I know, it's difficult. You were such a big part of my youth, calling ECW when it was a promotion and not a glorified developmental territory. You would accentuate the violence, the drama, the chaos, and the profanity with your "nerdy fish-out-of-water" brand of sarcasm and hyperbole. But you were a perfect fit in a world where you didn't appear you'd fit in. Can you imagine me anywhere but down in my basement after 7 PM? Pheh, only if the cable's out and I commandeer mom's TV when she's watching America's Got Talent, promising I'll wash the shit stains out of my own underwear from now on if I can have her set. I don't know if it's her defeated attitude or an early onset of Alzheimer's, but she always forgets, and it's scrub-scrub-scrub on my tattered tighty whiteys day after day for her.

But I digress. You were a big part of a big deal when you were in ECW, and you carried that over to WWE until Vince McMahon began to alter your style. Then you had enough one day and went to run
WWE.com, where you're apparently much happier.

See, this is all well and good. Until I found out some startling developments.

Jim Cornette doesn't like you. Jim Cornette doesn't like a lot people. If Jim Cornette told me I was a fat fucking scumbag, I'd high five him for putting me in my place. His word is gold, Joey. When Cornette says something, we put all of our stock into it, because he's old school. He's from the territories. Hell, when I bought his shoot interview, I couldn't stop watching even though it was eight hours long. EIGHT HOURS! I mean, is it my fault that Cornette is so compelling that I forgot to pick up my sister Morgan from school, and so she had to walk home and was molested by a creepy middle aged man because he got horny seeing her walk in her denim skirt and mesh wanna-be Lita shirt? If you want to blame someone, blame Jim Cornette for being a great talker. Then he'll blame me for being a sheep with no self-discipline. And he's right!

But back to why Cornette doesn't like you. He gave a multitude of reasons, including you being a mediocre announcer (which I never would have believed for a second, until he said it. So it must be true). But the biggest one involves your Twitter account. Sure, you post WWE related updates on there, because you're happy getting paid to put over your employer and shit, but you also post your political opinions. Opinions involving your dislike and disgust for the current president, Barack Obama.

Let me see if I can phrase this right: it is okay to have political opinions as long as you agree with the majority. Otherwise, you should keep your mouth shut.

Another way of putting it is "if you don't agree with Jim Cornette, then you're going to get owned like the little pussy faggot bitch that you are!". And that's exactly what happened.

Now, I don't follow politics at all. I would get mad if some State of the something-or-other address pre-empted Star Trek: Voyager, so I steer clear of that whole political spectrum. But this election had something to do with Obama, who was a lawyer or senator or something, facing that old guy who served in some war and is a staunch conservative. Was it Dick Cheney? Fuck, I don't know. If he campaigned on X-Play, I'd remember, but fuck it. But you came out and called Barack Obama the following things

-a Marxist (which I assumed is someone who follows me, but I guess not)
-a disgrace
-pro-abortion
-a fraud

Now, before Cornette got involved, I was going to be all "OH MY GOD, JOEY'S EXTREME! HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE!" and cheer you on. But Cornette DID get involved. And he talked about how Obama has done more in four months than the previous president did in eight years. Like I said, I don't follow politics, but Cornette HAS to be right. I mean, we said his word was gold and we mean it. If Cornette said "YOU HAVE TO SUCK MY COCK, MARX RAYNER, BECAUSE I SAID SO!", then guess what? I'm going to be a faggot for ten minutes. Because Jim Cornette is never wrong.

See, Joey, the more I think about it, the more I realize just how overrated you are. I mean, you're working for WWE, a promotion you once trashed when you were ECW's voice. Then you work for them, spout the company line, get replaced by Mike Adamle, and still sing the company's praises on their website. How sad. Contrast that to Jim Cornette, who works for TNA. That's like Jesus working for a chop shop. But he blesses them with his wit, wisdom, and experience, as if he were healing lepers that can't hit spots like The Briscoes and Jerry Lynn can. And he answers to Vince Russo, a man he tore to shreds in various audio and written accounts for being a scumfuck the likes of which we've never seen outside of a snuff film studio. Think about that, Joey: Cornette works for a man he cannot stand not because he's a hypocrite who goes back on his word, but because he's a man of honor who goes against the grain by working for a man he cannot stand. There's a subtle difference there. I doubt you'll get it.

And let's not forget when Cornette actually was employed by WWE, as the head of Ohio Valley Wrestling, their development program. Did you know he was responsible for developing such talent as Randy Orton, John Cena, Batista, The Bashams, Eugene, Tyson Tomko, and others? I hated all these men until I found this out! I no longer hate them. I am merely jealous of them. Jealous that they all got to sit under cornette's learning tree and become better men. You know that girl in school you hated because you had a crush on her and you didn't understand your feelings? Exactly. I have man crushes on Cena and Orton and such because of their connection to Cornette. Even when Cornette got fired from WWE and OVW, it was so cool. It's because he slapped Santino Marella for breaking kayfabe at an OVW show. Kayfabe is the most important thing in the world, and thus Cornette is such an ardent defender of it. He's mentioned that countless times in the out-of-character shoot interviews he does.

And hey, have you read Chris Jericho's book? You know I have! When I get my sterilized tongs and open the mylar pages with them, I can find a tremendous COrnette story. It's from Jericho's time in Smoky Mountain Wrestling when he, Cornette, and some others went to a Dairy Queen after a show and had a communication snafu with the person taking the order. This led to Cornette bolting from the van and yelling through the drive-thru window about how he was going to hurt everyone, calling the lady a "fucking cunt". That's the leadership that you can learn from Cornette. And Jericho, my hero, filmed the whole thing where it can be found on youtube today. If anyone else harasses a low-level employee over a mistake and has a complete bout of rage over it, they're an asshole. When Cornette does it, it's so cool. You can learn from him.

In summary, Jim Cornette has the right to do whatever he wants. He gets a free pass because he shoots on everyone he disagrees with and protects kayfabe. That's a delicate balance. NFL players can't play offense and defense on the same play. Cornette spreads himself thin and comes out a stronger man because of it. Cornette recently wrote an article about how hardcore matches hurt the business. Up until that point, I was pissed over WWE going PG and cutting the violence out. Now if I see a chair used in WWE, I'm going to write a letter to USA and complain! BECAUSE JIM CORNETTE IS RIGHT!

So Joey, just hang it up. Cornette owned you. You can be a devoted husband, great father, great future grandfather, intelligent businessman, passionate lobbyist, wrestling commentary legend, brilliant webmaster, friendly person, family man, humble fan, and all that. But none of it matters, because Jim Cornette SERVED you on some podcast that about 23 people listened to. Some people can't watch Benoit matches anymore because he's a murderer. I can't look at Joey Styles the same because Jim Cornette gave a negative opinion of him. So, I'm sorry, Joey. His initials are "JC" for a reason. And we are blessed to have his knowledge.

So keep your opinions to yourself, lest you get owned further. You cannot undo the damage he has done to you. And the smark community will never let this go. Have fun being a marked man, Joey. It's been fun respecting you. But now it's over. OH MY GOD!

Kayfabingly yours,
M.R.
 

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Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).