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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner


Dear CM Punk,

First off, let me say I'm quite the fan. I've followed your career for a number of years now, all the way back to your Steel Domain days. Whether you were coming up with Colt Cabana in the biz, or having extremely long matches with Chris Hero in IWA: Mid South, I've probably seen it. I haven't forgotten your feud with Raven in Ring of Honor, nor your alliance with him in The Gathering in TNA. And when you won the ROH World Title from Austin Aries, it was a deserved prize for a deserving individual.

I was skeptical when you signed with WWE, mostly because you weren't holding both World Titles inside of your first week. Cena and Batista couldn't counter the Pepsi Plunge if their lives depended on it, and we KNOW they're not straight edge OR better than you! But after a year of polishing in OVW, you came up to the ECW brand and were an instant hit. The crowd loved you because you didn't fit WWE's superstar mold, but never looked out of place. Your wrestling style not only blended with your lesser-skilled opponents, but looked crisp and innovative all the while. Remember Survivor Series 2006 when you outpopped your partners, which included DX and The Hardy Boyz? You outpopped four of the biggest stars in WWE! Well, Vince definitely took notice. Hence within two years, you won two World Titles and two Money in the Bank matches. All while being a realistic character that the fans love for his work ethic, drive, personality, and sense of everymanism.

That said, I think you need to turn heel.

Now, hear me out, because I'm sure you're going to understand. Even though you've been a babyface on the WWE product for three years, I just don't feel it's working. I'm not alone. On this forum that I post opinions on with other smarks, there's about 16 or 17 of us who like you better as a heel. I say '16 or 17' because this one kid Ronnie is noncommittal. He says he can enjoy either face Punk or heel Punk. Ronnie's also the kind of guy who thinks Mankind was as interesting as Cactus Jack, so I think we all know he's a little *loopy motion with finger*.

But back to the point, where my colleagues and I feel that your heel work is needed. I know that when you come to the ring and the fans erupt with cheers, that you think they're enjoying babyface Punk. If that's what you think, well then with all due respect, I think someone's been putting paint chips in your Pepsi. Punk, the WWE is a 'shirt-and-toy' company. They market merchandise and expect kids to gobble it up like bleeting sheep. Of course they're going to buy your shit, Punk, you're a face! The marks all buy merchandise of the faces! My sister Morgan owns two of your figures as well as the skull-print shirt. She says I should buy some to support one of my favorites, but that's crazy talk. Why would I spend my money just to support one of my favorite wrestlers? Most of the money goes into Vince McMahon's pocket anyway! Morgan tries to tell me that if fans spend money on a wrestler and make Vince richer, that Vince will prominently push said wrestler. I mean, it KIND of makes sense, but still, fuck it.

I don't understand what kind of far-gone mindset it takes to believe in that kind of flow. We buy the merchandise, boss gets richer, boss further uses subject of merchandise to generate more revenue? What fucked up bizarro-Wall Street Journal is VINCE reading? He needs to follow the business model of the typical indie. They have a GREAT business model. It goes like this: wrestler bleeds in opening match, wrestler bleeds in pre-intermission match at next show, wrestler does non-sensical run in during main event that night, wrestler bleeds in main event of following show, wrestler bleeds on every show afterward while perfecting unrealistic dives and powerbombs, wrestler becomes accepted by IWC, wrestler does this in three promotions before getting fucked by/fucking over all three promoters, wrestler realeases poorly designed t-shirt, wrestler develops legendary drug problem, wrestler realeases low-production value shoot interview where he calls Triple H a douchebag despite never working with him. BOOM! INTERNET PHENOMENON!

But aside from the brainwashed mass marketing that WWE uses, there's an ulterior motive for this want of us 1 1/3 dozen smarks.See, you're one of us. The unwashed hair, the nerdy tattoos, the love of crisp wrestling, the taped fists (though ours are used to cure arthritis caused by our chronic love of 'waxing the carrot'), and you're straight edge, much like the majority of us (though if we ever get invited to parties for a change, this might not remain true). Point is, we identify with you. It's mostly because you go against the grain. You're not 'one of them'. In high school, you were the one that didn't go to the prom or help out at homecoming or run track. We identify, Punk. Instead, you paid negative lip service to the party-goers and popular kids and that makes you our idol. You're the kind of guy we can invite over, watch GI Joe DVDs with, listen to Minor Threat with, split a case of Easy Mac with, troll Google for Japanime porn with, etc. John Cena would never be that guy. Batista would never do that. But you would, because you're not a snippy jock that's part of the in-crowd. And we appreciate that.

As a heel, you arrogantly talked about how you were above society because of your straight edge values. You made it cool not be accepted by the social cliques. Loathing funseekers and then kicking their asses, hell, that's our DREAM! But because the varsity football team used to shove my jock strap up my cornhole for even looking at them funny, I never got to live my wish. But I live it through you, as do my friends on the internet. For every time we get a swirlie or wet willie, we'd fall back on your promos. Every time I think about getting hit in the face in dodgeball, I think about how I have hundreds of your matches to enjoy. And for every time my co-worker at Kinkos tells the store manager about me making photocopies of Japanime porn, I think of the joy you as a heel brought me (and, for the record, it was just that one time, and I got off on a technicality. You couldn't even really tell that girl was being raped by the octopus).

So when I see what you've become, this well-liked, hard-working, smiling good guy, I nearly puke up my Chalupas. You sold out, Phil (yeah, I called you Phil). That'd be like me buying a new pack of boxer shorts and giving up on my four remaining tattered pairs. Am I too good for those tattered, crusty, barely-held-together undies? I don't think I am! And you're not too good for us smarks who still believe in the ass-kicking, people-hating CM Punk! There's still time, you can be that guy again. You just have to tell Vince you want to be a heel.

Just go up to Vince and tell him the truth. Tell him "Look, Vince, I enjoy making six figures as a likeable good guy with adoring fans, an upper card push, six figure income, tons of merchandise, and plenty of mainstream exposure....but I want to be a heel. I want to rail against the people for living happy, fulfilling lives, and alienate myself from the mainstream. On top of that, I'm tiring of wrestling the likes of Batista, JBL, Kane, and Umaga, all of whom are/were near the top of the card. Instead, I demand to face Jamie Noble, The Brian Kendrick, Jimmy Wang Yang, Charlie Haas, and Tyson Kidd so that I can show my REAL moveset and not the accepted and truncated main event version. I'd rather wrestler midcarders for four minutes and get my shit in than go fifteen near the top of the card where the people will remember seeing me. Because fuck the people, they don't deserve a happy me."

So there it is, Punk. That's my take on how you can better yourself and make us happy. Remember, our happiness depends on you changing your current lifestyle. I know you'll do the right thing.

Straight-edgedly yours,
M.R.

SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).