Dear CM Punk,
First off, let me say I'm quite the fan. I've followed your
career for a number of years now, all the way back to your Steel Domain days. Whether you were coming up with Colt Cabana
in the biz, or having extremely long matches with Chris Hero in IWA: Mid South, I've probably seen it. I haven't forgotten
your feud with Raven in Ring of Honor, nor your alliance with him in The Gathering in TNA. And when you won the ROH World
Title from Austin Aries, it was a deserved prize for a deserving individual.
I was skeptical when you signed with WWE,
mostly because you weren't holding both World Titles inside of your first week. Cena and Batista couldn't counter the Pepsi
Plunge if their lives depended on it, and we KNOW they're not straight edge OR better than you! But after a year of polishing
in OVW, you came up to the ECW brand and were an instant hit. The crowd loved you because you didn't fit WWE's superstar mold,
but never looked out of place. Your wrestling style not only blended with your lesser-skilled opponents, but looked crisp
and innovative all the while. Remember Survivor Series 2006 when you outpopped your partners, which included DX and The Hardy
Boyz? You outpopped four of the biggest stars in WWE! Well, Vince definitely took notice. Hence within two years, you won
two World Titles and two Money in the Bank matches. All while being a realistic character that the fans love for his work
ethic, drive, personality, and sense of everymanism.
That said, I think you need to turn heel.
Now, hear me
out, because I'm sure you're going to understand. Even though you've been a babyface on the WWE product for three years, I
just don't feel it's working. I'm not alone. On this forum that I post opinions on with other smarks, there's about 16 or
17 of us who like you better as a heel. I say '16 or 17' because this one kid Ronnie is noncommittal. He says he can enjoy
either face Punk or heel Punk. Ronnie's also the kind of guy who thinks Mankind was as interesting as Cactus Jack, so I think
we all know he's a little *loopy motion with finger*.
But back to the point, where my colleagues and I feel that your
heel work is needed. I know that when you come to the ring and the fans erupt with cheers, that you think they're enjoying
babyface Punk. If that's what you think, well then with all due respect, I think someone's been putting paint chips in your
Pepsi. Punk, the WWE is a 'shirt-and-toy' company. They market merchandise and expect kids to gobble it up like bleeting sheep.
Of course they're going to buy your shit, Punk, you're a face! The marks all buy merchandise of the faces! My sister Morgan
owns two of your figures as well as the skull-print shirt. She says I should buy some to support one of my favorites, but
that's crazy talk. Why would I spend my money just to support one of my favorite wrestlers? Most of the money goes into Vince
McMahon's pocket anyway! Morgan tries to tell me that if fans spend money on a wrestler and make Vince richer, that Vince
will prominently push said wrestler. I mean, it KIND of makes sense, but still, fuck it.
I don't understand what kind
of far-gone mindset it takes to believe in that kind of flow. We buy the merchandise, boss gets richer, boss further uses
subject of merchandise to generate more revenue? What fucked up bizarro-Wall Street Journal is VINCE reading? He needs to
follow the business model of the typical indie. They have a GREAT business model. It goes like this: wrestler bleeds in opening
match, wrestler bleeds in pre-intermission match at next show, wrestler does non-sensical run in during main event that night,
wrestler bleeds in main event of following show, wrestler bleeds on every show afterward while perfecting unrealistic dives
and powerbombs, wrestler becomes accepted by IWC, wrestler does this in three promotions before getting fucked by/fucking
over all three promoters, wrestler realeases poorly designed t-shirt, wrestler develops legendary drug problem, wrestler realeases
low-production value shoot interview where he calls Triple H a douchebag despite never working with him. BOOM! INTERNET PHENOMENON!
aside from the brainwashed mass marketing that WWE uses, there's an ulterior motive for this want of us 1 1/3 dozen smarks.See,
you're one of us. The unwashed hair, the nerdy tattoos, the love of crisp wrestling, the taped fists (though ours are used
to cure arthritis caused by our chronic love of 'waxing the carrot'), and you're straight edge, much like the majority of
us (though if we ever get invited to parties for a change, this might not remain true). Point is, we identify with you. It's
mostly because you go against the grain. You're not 'one of them'. In high school, you were the one that didn't go to the
prom or help out at homecoming or run track. We identify, Punk. Instead, you paid negative lip service to the party-goers
and popular kids and that makes you our idol. You're the kind of guy we can invite over, watch GI Joe DVDs with, listen to
Minor Threat with, split a case of Easy Mac with, troll Google for Japanime porn with, etc. John Cena would never be that
guy. Batista would never do that. But you would, because you're not a snippy jock that's part of the in-crowd. And we appreciate
As a heel, you arrogantly talked about how you were above society because of your straight edge values. You made
it cool not be accepted by the social cliques. Loathing funseekers and then kicking their asses, hell, that's our DREAM! But
because the varsity football team used to shove my jock strap up my cornhole for even looking at them funny, I never got to
live my wish. But I live it through you, as do my friends on the internet. For every time we get a swirlie or wet willie,
we'd fall back on your promos. Every time I think about getting hit in the face in dodgeball, I think about how I have hundreds
of your matches to enjoy. And for every time my co-worker at Kinkos tells the store manager about me making photocopies of
Japanime porn, I think of the joy you as a heel brought me (and, for the record, it was just that one time, and I got off
on a technicality. You couldn't even really tell that girl was being raped by the octopus).
So when I see what you've
become, this well-liked, hard-working, smiling good guy, I nearly puke up my Chalupas. You sold out, Phil (yeah, I called
you Phil). That'd be like me buying a new pack of boxer shorts and giving up on my four remaining tattered pairs. Am I too
good for those tattered, crusty, barely-held-together undies? I don't think I am! And you're not too good for us smarks who
still believe in the ass-kicking, people-hating CM Punk! There's still time, you can be that guy again. You just have to tell
Vince you want to be a heel.
Just go up to Vince and tell him the truth. Tell him "Look, Vince, I enjoy making six
figures as a likeable good guy with adoring fans, an upper card push, six figure income, tons of merchandise, and plenty of
mainstream exposure....but I want to be a heel. I want to rail against the people for living happy, fulfilling lives, and
alienate myself from the mainstream. On top of that, I'm tiring of wrestling the likes of Batista, JBL, Kane, and Umaga, all
of whom are/were near the top of the card. Instead, I demand to face Jamie Noble, The Brian Kendrick, Jimmy Wang Yang, Charlie
Haas, and Tyson Kidd so that I can show my REAL moveset and not the accepted and truncated main event version. I'd rather
wrestler midcarders for four minutes and get my shit in than go fifteen near the top of the card where the people will remember
seeing me. Because fuck the people, they don't deserve a happy me."
So there it is, Punk. That's my take on how you
can better yourself and make us happy. Remember, our happiness depends on you changing your current lifestyle. I know you'll
do the right thing.