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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner


Dear Jeff Jarrett,

I was wondering what took you so long to release a DVD of your TNA career. I figure when you're not masturbating in front of a full length mirror, you're looking for other ways to stroke (LOL PUN) your ego. So the fact that this wound up being seven years in the making is quite surprising.

Yeah, I watched your DVD, Jeff. I wouldn't have bought it with my own money, but I got some FYE gift cards for my birthday. No one can buy me the specific X-Files box sets I want, so I just tell my relatives to fork some money over or go the gift card route. I mean, the year that I got 3 sets of Season 2, I nearly kicked them all out of my house and hoarded the cake for myself. Well, I did do the last part, but I let them stay so they could at least watch me eat.

Digression over. I had some money on the cards leftover, so I decided to get your DVD. I would've gotten an ROH DVD, but since I'm so keen on their product, I wanted to buy something that was only going to make me miserable. If I watch something I like, how am I going to rant to the rest of the IWC about it? "Smark" is actually swahili for "miserable masochist", you know.

And...well, where to begin, Jeff? I mean, it's a FOUR DISC set. Normally, us wrestling fans would clamor for content upon content, but four discs for you? The guy who was in 75% of the main event matches during TNA's run? That doesn't make ANY sense. Why would the guy who's in the most main events get the most DVD content? That's like the guy who eats the most salad loses the most weight. It's a concept I cannot wrap my mind around!

As for the content itself, I actually did enjoy some of it. Early on, I was having fun watching the old TNA and seeing familiar faces like Scott Hall, Chris Harris, Ron Killings, and Raven. Then I paused it and went to check my e-mail. After doing so, I checked this wrestling forum I enjoy and I saw a few fellow smarks review the set. I read things like "I DIDN'T BUY IT BUT I KNOW IT SUCKS BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT JEFF JARRETT" and "NOT ENOUGH AJ STYLES ON IT SO I'M NOT GETTING IT". With these thoughts in mind, I decided to stop watching your DVD altogether. Clearly, when my colleagues post their well-thought out opinions on a forum, I take that as gospel. So I'm not going to waste any more time viewing your circlejerk-on-demand, Jethro.

Instead, I'm going to review the DVD simply by the match listing. Vs. Robert Roode? Probably sucked. Vs. Kevin Nash? Probably sucked. Vs. Monty Brown? Probably sucked. Vs. Jeff Hardy? He wasn't employed by Vince at the time, so it probably sucked. There. I've made my mind up. Your DVD sucks. You wasted my money that wasn't even mine on it. I feel really cheated and the six people that happen to view my Twitter page will be able to feel my angst later tonight.

Then I saw this one review where you reveal your candid opinions about your dead wife, her struggle through cancer, and you simultaneously running TNA while taking seven months off to be at her side through everything, putting Sting over on the way out. Jeff, didn't you know what you were getting into? Women are trouble! They're always giving you dirty looks when you accidentally walk into the women's bathroom, always threatening to call the police when you stand by their car outside of their workplace, and they always delete your love letters that you send them over myspace. The restraining orders and constant scowls from society have taught me that women aren't worth the trouble. You married her, you paid the price. Hope it was worth it. And keep the sob stories off the DVD that I refuse to watch the rest of. I'm your target audience, and I don't want to hear it!

Then the DVD ends with rare matches from the 1980's that, had they involved Ricky Steamboat, would have me leaping over the empty Count Chocula boxes and running to FYE for. But even though I clamor for nostaliga, I'm going to ignore these matches. They involve you and Mick Foley. Both of you left WWE, a promotion that I don't watch, and went to other organizations, forcing me to possibly change my viewing habits. I don't like being forced. So fuck you, Jeff. Unseen they shall be!

Overall, your DVD left me deflated and sour. That's par for the course for me, but you have now contributed to my bad mood. I don't care if you created an alternative wrestling promotion, provided exposure for tons of indie talents, gave a haven to ex-WWE stars to be showcased, helped make women's wrestling respectable, got a national TV deal and monthly PPV deal against the odds, and are surviving and thriving seven years later after everyone said you'd be out of business in three months. Your DVD sucks, and therefore I'm going to judge you on that and that alone. I know it sounds cruel, but think of it like this: If you have a beautiful Olympic sized swimming pool, and you put three drops of piss in it, the whole pool is ruined, even if you swim 75 feet away from the drops.

So there you go, Jarrett. Thanks for being a piss dropper. Go die in a fire.

Without remorse,
M.R.

SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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