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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
Dear Justin Henry,

Usually I write letters to famous people, but this time I'm making an exception.

You're apparently a sports and wrestling columnist, and not a very good one either. I don't see you writing for Sports Illustrated or Wrestling Observer or anything. You're a hack. You probably sit in your mom's basement and write columns while dripping nacho cheese all over yourself, vainly opening cans of Java Monsters with one hand while typing your little vile thoughts, ballooning up to 400 pounds and being a hateful fucking troll. Yeah, I know the type! And they disgust me!

A friend of mine sent me some wrestling column you wrote, and said it was about Eddie Guerrero. Now, I'm a HYYYYOOOOOOGE Eddie fan and I gobble up press on him like you wouldn't believe.

I certainly couldn't believe what I was reading.

 http://mindofjrh.blogspot.com/2009/10/wrestling-eddie-guerreros-manufactured.html

Now, far be it from me to call you a fucking moronical fuckbag, but that's precisely what you are. You insinuate that Eddie Guerrero is not deserving of a tribute because of the fashion in which he lived his life. You mention the suicidal tendencies, the alcohol, the drugs, and ill-tempered character he showed. Well, who are YOU to criticize the greatest Mexican wrestler of all time? Have you ever been in the Super J Cup? Have you ever had to carry Smackdown? Have you ever had to sleep with a screeching domestic who pumped out your kids?

No. I don't think so.

So therefore, you have no frame of reference for judging Eduardo Guerrero, now do you? People who sit at home have no right to criticize a medium or performer if they're not involved in that field. It's an adamant belief.

You imply that Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit are the same person. And hey, you're right! If by "same person", you mean "awesome wrestlers who are God's chosen ones", then of course! You wouldn't compare Eddie to a scumbag like Snitsky or Mike Knox, would you? You almost earn your journalistic merit with that statement. But no. You meant it in a NEGATIVE sense! That Eddie and Chris were the same in that they were both horrible people who brought their demises onto themselves.

Let me be the first to say the following.

Die.

Eddie Guerrero loved his family. He was suicidal because his workrate was slipping just a notch and he knew that he'd never forgive himself if his daughters had to go to school and deal with taunts like "YOUR DADDY'S ARMDRAG IS LESS POLISHED!". What father would want his kids to go through that? Better end your life if you're not going to reach your level of greatness again. Kurt Cobain couldn't top his previous work, so he offs himself. Eddie had the same idea and I respect him for it.

Chris Benoit loved his family as well. That's why the fashion in which he killed his family involving HOLDING them. He could have shot them from ten feet away, but no. It was more intimate. He did it because of the brain damage, and he felt bad that Nancy and Daniel had to live with a defective Rabid Wolverine. If you were related to Chris Benoit, you'd thank God every day that you had a legend in your life. If he slips, it can be an albatross. Chris decided that they were better off not having to be burdened by a has-been. May have been one of his final lucid thoughts, too.

Who are you to brand Guerrero and Benoit as abject failures? You're a writer. A little pissant behind a word processor who forces his opinions onto those unfortunate enough to read it!

And then you provide this apparent "evidence", these little thoughts that supposedly help to explain why you're right. You delve into Eddie's marital problems, mentioning how his need to be a great wrestler was conducive to his self-destruction.

Let's think about this.

You're a fan. I'm a fan. Do you or I give a shit what he does in his personal life? If he's on screen for 20 minutes, performing his heart out, then great! If he's severe agony and incoherent from pills, and it's off screen, then that's ok too! We don't have to see him in pain, so how are we involved? If he's fucked up and bedridden when he's not on the road, that's HIS problem. It's perfectly okay to abandon compassion and humanity when your viewing habits take precedent. Again, you're a fan. And these broken-down heroes are here to entertain us. So why not enjoy it?

You say that we shouldn't honor them posthumously, since it was their lifestyles that set a bad example. Maybe that's why they did it, moron. Maybe the only way to remain immortal is to actually BE a screwed up physical wreck. Look at me, I'm a wreck! I'm 400 lbs with a bad hip and zits all over my thighs! I'll be immortalized as a tremendous writer in death, because I'm that kind of talent. And it'll be more accolades than YOU ever get, you hack!

You are beneath me. No one is going to want to read your 'well-reasoned' crap. Ever. You're nothing, Justin. You're not even that biting or controversial. Instead, you mostly play it safe and apparently do research into your writings. Do you think you're better than me, just because you try to appeal to a wider audience? Just because I like to speak the truth and do so with a acid tongue?

Besides, you write about fucking sports! Talk about being pathetically diverse! You KNOW you can't get a big audience for your shitty wrestling columns, so you have to pander to football and baseball fans to try and compensate. It's not going to work. You just simply suck in triplicate.

But you're my new obsession. I'm going to ruin you! I already follow your twitter and I'm prepared to bombard you with angry and hateful thoughts every chance I get until you finally give up and stop your stupid writing career, you worthless vial of infant piss! Every time you write a column, I'm going to be there to let you know how much it sucks. Write about football? SUCKS! Write about baseball? SUCKS! Write about wrestling? SUCKS WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER SUCKED BEFORE!

All of this because you blasphemed Eddie Guerrero?

You better believe it, grundle-inspector!

My biggest flaw is my passion. I'm just like Eddie, I have a big heart. With that heart, I defend pro wrestling, the sport that I love to trash. That doesn't make sense, but fuck it. My passion extends to my heroes, and Eddie is one of them. He's my baby cub. You fucked with mama bear. Now the claws come out. You will respect my anger and rage, because I will not let you forget this. In fact, I DARE you to keep bashing my favorite wrestlers, just to give me further ammunition to rip you to shreds!

I said earlier that I usually write to famous people. Well congratulations, kid, you're famous now. Marx Rayner just made you famous by taking time out of his busy life to write to you. I hope even though I hate your guts and believe you to be lower on the scum totem pole than anything in this world, I hope you'll still thank me. Because should you become famous, I will keep you famous by continuing to make you the target of my rage. And when I target someone, people tend to notice, assface!

So go ahead, Justin Henry. Incite me. Defame Eddie. Defame Benoit. Trash the things that I hold dear to my heart. I'm already motivated because my sister Morgan LIKED your column. She keeps cheesing about you being a fellow New Jerseyan, which means that if I want to kill you, it shouldn't be a long drive. Just saying.

Best of luck to you, Justin. Enjoy the newfound fame that comes from being Marx Rayner's bitch. A mention in your writings wouldn't hurt. I like seeing my name in print.

So take care. I'll be around the corner. Or will I? You'll just have to keep walking then. Ha, I kid. Or do I?

Stalkingly yours,
M.R.

 


Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you. Marx can also be found at http://twitter.com/marxrayner, where he continues to stand behind his pulpit, expounding wrestling truth. Also, the pulpit helps him keep his balance.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).