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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
Dear Dustin Rhodes
 
(Letter dated August 12, 1995)

I am a wrestling fan of nine years who appreciates REAL wrestling. I don't like the cartoon stuff that WWF and Vince McMahon put on TV. I don't like it when WCW tries to match the cartoon stuff that Vince does. I like it better when they put on old-style wrestling based on holds, psychology, and the belief that even though it's not real, it still feels real. My dad said that I watch Duckman on USA, even though it's about a talking animal, but whatever. I'm not a hypocrite and I know it.

I'm writing you this letter today to express my anger toward you not only going to work for Vince McMahon again, but for taking on such a twisted, revolting, ridiculous character. You couldn't just be Dustin Rhodes, the pale-skinned cowboy with no personality who will never get out of his dad's footsteps. No, you have to be Goldust, homosexual movie star with lots of make-up. Or something.

First of all, you're walking on very thin ice by doing this. Gays are not an acceptable part of society, Dustin. I know it's a modern world where people's differences are accepted, but let's be truthful. Some things are just meant to be. Being openly gay is not one of them. That's why you rarely hear about gays outside of extreme cases in music and film. It's not like you're going to see TV shows based on gay lifestyles. You're not going to see people coming out of the closet left and right because they're going to be shunned. Just like you're going to be for taking on this new look. I'm pretty confident that even after we enter the new millennium, it's still going to be a straight-dominant society. Gays can still have their place, but just in the underbelly. Good luck trying to wash this stigma off of you.

Secondly, you're abandoning your roots. Your father is Dusty Rhodes! What would he think of you giving up the rugged Texan look, just so you can be a homo? Face it, no matter what you do, the modern fan is still going to remember your dad more than you. You're never going to live up to his legacy. Dusty Rhodes is an icon in this business. He's an icon in the sense that I loved watching him get beaten up by the Four Horsemen. And that's the mark of any great good guy. He has to get beaten up by the Horsemen for me to care. Unless you're getting attacked by Ric, Arn, Tully, and Ole on Action Zone or Superstars, then I don't care. Besides, Ric Flair would never go back to work for Vince, anyway. He's happy in WCW, where Eric Bischoff has righted the ship. He's saved his money and he's never going to grovel. WCW forever!

Third, you're never going to succeed anyway. Vince McMahon has a habit of embarassing people who come in to the point where they lose their self-respect and dignity. Look at you. Gold make-up, frilly wig, exaggerated voice. You're a cartoon! Do you think that Vince is going to make you, at the very least, Intercontinental Champion? Absurd! You're far too controversial and perverted to succeed. Vince may be a lot of things, but I doubt he's going to let cheap heat get in the way of his judgment. The fans are going to boo you because you're a twisted fool, and even Vince wouldn't put gold on you just because of that. You're doomed to be this 'Goldust' forever now. I can see it, you're going to want to be Dustin Rhodes again soon enough. You'll try to throw the gimmick away, but it keeps coming back to cloak and choke you. It won't cease. Years from now, you'll regret ever having taken this gimmick on, and you'll rue the day you accepted it. The fans, however, will not accept it. You will never be taken seriously by anyone, nor will you be cheered ever again!

You could have gone to ECW instead. ECW, if you weren't aware, is a rising promotion in Philadelphia with an emphasis on realism and grit. You could go there and be like Raven, who used to be Scotty Flamingo, and get a hard-edged gimmick to compliment your natural talents. Besides, you got fired from WCW for blading, right? You can blade all you want in ECW! It's encouraged! And because it's all choreographed, there's no long-term ramifications for the damage you absorb! Men like Sabu, Cactus Jack, Tommy Dreamer, Terry Funk, and The Bad Breed are in relatively healthy shape, and because it's all pre-planned, I doubt you'll see them in chronic pain for the rest of their life. Besides, it's more fun than that kid-friendly crap that Vince puts on. You'd be getting paid in ECW for your efforts, because as a businessman, I'm sure Paul Heyman makes all of his payments on time.

But you chose the path of least resistence, Dustin. You're so desperate for the spotlight that you latched on to Vince McMahon in a bid to become a bonafide star. You think I don't see that? I may be fourteen years old, but I can spot a phoney when I see one. You'll never be in the upper card wrestling Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, and Bret Hart. No one will buy it if you become a good guy, so you're stuck being a villain forever. People will be at the shows, booing you, wanting the real Dustin Rhodes back, only there will be a permanent black mark that keeps the fans from ever wanting to associate with you. It's over, man.

Just last night, I had an argument with my dad. He was a big Grateful Dead fan, and Jerry Garcia just died a few days ago. He was bummed out, of course, and I kinda made fun of him a little. I mean, he was a drug rattled hippie, that Jerry Garcia. Why would I want to endorse him? He's not like Dynamite Kid and Chris Benoit, two fine physical specimens. So Dad patiently asked me who my favorite musical group was. I said Smashing Pumpkins, which by the way, I cannot WAIT for their next album! I heard 'Bullet with Butterfly Wings' on the radio, and it is fab! He told me that one day, maybe the band will break up or somebody will die, and I'll feel the way he feels. I laughed, because let's face it, THE PUMPKINS ARE FOREVER! Billy Corgan is not a pathetic fool like Jerry Garcia is. His band members are loyal to him. You're not going to see them abandon him and, even if that DID happen, I doubt you'd see Corgan trying to hang on to the past like some nostalgia junkie. What's he going to do, play the instruments himself? Be a one man band? PUH-LEEEZE!

My point is, your career is over, and I'm a little bummed out myself. You sold out to the top dollar, handing over your dignity in the deal. Of all the things you could have done, this was the dumbest. You didn't jump to Japan to work on your in-ring skill. You didn't go to ECW to become credible and well-paid. You didn't beg WCW for your job back. You sold your soul to Satan from Connecticut, and I'm ashamed of you. I can sit back and remember the good times, like your matches with Steve Austin (who will NEVER let Vince McMahon try to give him a new gimmick) and Rick Rude, and forget that you chose this new path in life.

But in the end, it's up to you. Sooner or later, this trend of flashy gimmicks and hybrid entertainment that Vince creates is going to die out. Traditional wrestling will lead the way. I sense that wrestling is due for a boom period in a few years and I strongly feel that mat wrestling, old school booking, and realism will lead the way. Not this lewd, crude, disgusting, over-choreographed crap that Vince produces. You could have been on this train, but forget it now.

But hey, good luck, Dustin. I'm sure your decision will come back to bite you on your golden butt, and it's going to bite you hard. Have fun with it, because it's the last thing you'll have a chance to enjoy in this sport.

I'm sure daddy will be very proud of you. Because you could never fill his boots.

Regards,
Marcus P. Rayner
Totowa, NJ

SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you. Marx can also be found at http://twitter.com/marxrayner, where he continues to stand behind his pulpit, expounding wrestling truth. Also, the pulpit helps him keep his balance.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).