I know, I know.
It's the equivalent of The Pope telling Jesus that
he's got a huge problem with him. Well, I'm sorry,
but I can't help it, Chris. This current run you're
having as one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions
is less than satisfactory for me. As a matter of
fact, ever since you've left the World Title scene
in late 2008, you've been mired in the midcard for
no apparent reason. In fact, it really IS no
apparent reason. I mean, you're CHRIS JERICHO! You
know what you're capable of!
But look at it,
Chris. You tried to feud with Mickey Rourke, who
starred in a movie about a guy who does the right
thing and dies for the people who paid to see him.
It didn't work out because he had clauses in his
contract for Iron Man 2 that stipulated no physical
activity (such as being carried to a ****1/2 match
by you) was permitted. Then you wrestled Ricky
Steamboat at Backlash, which WOULD have been great
had it NOT BEEN THE SECOND MATCH OF THE SHOW! If
there is a God in the heavens, then Triple H, John
Cena, Batista, and Legacy would have all stepped
aside and let you two have at least 35 minutes for
the main event.
you and Rey Mysterio have a tremendous feud, but
that too is mired because...it was in the midcard!
What are you two guys, both capable of outwrestling
Satan should he tried to claim your souls, doing
working underneath while those anal-lesions Cena and
Hunter are on top? What the fuck gives? I can't give
your matches the praise they deserve because they
weren't in the main event like I hoped. I'm sorry,
but it's the rule.
Then you and Edge
win the Unified Tag Team Titles. Then Edge gets
hurt, because he's more fragile than any single
atrophied bone in my body (take your pick!). So WWE
commissions Big Show to be your partner. And the
smark community was divided. One half loved you. The
other half hated Show and wanted him dead worse than
You know, I wonder
why there was such a sudden descent. How did you go
from playing the antagonist to Shawn Michaels in one
of the greatest feuds in WWE history to all of a
sudden being the little loudmouth to Show's
Blutoesque bully? All of the mystique that you
created by coming out with your feathered hair, five
o'clock shadow, well-taylored suits, and sexy--er,
intense glower....it's fading away. And it's an
outrage because you haven't done anything to warrant
its demise. The feud with Shawn? Carrying Raw as its
champion? Making the fans boo without even trying?
There is no explicable reason as to why you're
suddenly having to take bumps for midcarders while
Big Show saves the day with a big right hand to the
opponents' faces. None at all. If I were you, I
would be outraged as well.
But my confusion
comes from your attitude.
As you can imagine,
I follow you on twitter. Who doesn't? You're a very
fan friendly personality (though 97% of your
followers cheer morons like Cena and Hardy, so I
wish you would disown them) and post some silly
comments on your page that set the hearts of your
fan populace aflutter.
But I'm not here
Chris, you're being
royally hosed by World Wrestling Entertainment, just
like you were the first time you walked through the
company doors. Triple H holds you down because
you're better than him, and he can never do the
things you do. He can't float through the air with a
lionsault, breathtakingly so as you can. He can't
captivate 15,000 fans with a soft-spoken promo, so
he has to to grunt, yell, and use insider insults to
make his point. How can you continue to put forth
your best efforts every single day and night,
knowing that they're not going to be enough to
leapfrog the boring dolts like Hunter, Randy Orton,
Batista, and everyone else that gets by on
chemically enhanced physiques and generic offense?
But yet you do. You
keep your head high, and post random, happy thoughts
on your twitter account. Maybe you'll post about
something you saw on a recent travel. Maybe you'll
tweet about a music or movie reference. Or, my
sister Morgan's favorite, you'll let us all know
about an experience you had with your three
children, whom you understandably love so very much.
Therein lies what I
believe the problem is, Chris. You're a pained man.
You're trying to seek comfort in your friends,
family, and surroundings. Being on the road, knowing
that you have to make Mark Henry and Cryme Tyme look
good in a forthcoming house show match, it has to
suck the soul right out of your quirkilly chubby
torso. So you tell the world about a day you and
your son spent together, knowing that a ton of
ignorant fangirls are going to send you direct
messages like "OOOOOH THAT'S SO CUTE!!!! <3<3<3!".
Then you'll make a silly wrestling reference, and
the same mass of fans will tweet back about how
wonderful you are for giving them something to smile
about. You're living and breathing off all of this
praise, and it's apparent that with your wrestling
career stalled out, you've resigned yourself to
being the midcard caretaker, holding the hands of
the less-talented, making sure that they don't trick
over their dicks during a ten minute match. And
thus, twitter is your drug of choice. I can see how
it would dull the pain.
But I have a better
solution. Maybe you need to go the opposite route,
Chris. Perhaps you need to use your twitter to
expound angrily about your frustrated state. Talk
about the talent that's getting pushed over you and
how fucking livid you are about it! Bury the talent
that isn't on your level! Fight the power! Fight the
man! Tell Vince McMahon what a ricockulous (I READ
YOUR BOOK!) dullard he is and how his product is
laden with cutesy crap that will do no good in the
long term. Stop talking about your children and your
travels and your hobbies, because they are a crutch.
You were put on this earth for one reason: to
outperform everyone in the ring, both physically and
verbally, and THAT'S why you came out of retirement.
If your kids meant so much to you, I'm sure you'd
still be at home, right? Right!
Face it, Chris: you
live for us. You live for me! Ash and your daughters
may never understand the 'ARM-bar/arm-BAR' joke like
I do. I'm always going to have your back, and that's
why I'm writing this letter today. You are my idol.
You are my deity. And that's why I'm disappointed to
see you accept mediocrity when you clearly deserve
better. And you KNOW it! Being home with family,
enjoying other, quieter endeavors? That's
mediocrity! And you couldn't stand it any longer,
hence why you put the tights back on! You're here
because you decided that wrestling for my
edification is more important than being a classic
dad. And I appreciate it, dude.
My deepest desire
is that your second book covers all of the
injustices that WWE has put you through. Let this be
the story of the ages, one of how a man with
limitless talent and flawless percison came to be
misused in a political game. Let the truth ring out,
because I will be the first one to purchase it, just
as soon as I can borrow the money from Morgan.
In the end, you'll
remain one of the greatest wrestlers of all time,
Chris. I have no doubts. As much as it bothers me to
see you squandered like this, it bothers me more to
see you try and compensate by pandering to the
'twitterverse' like this. So take my advice, man.
You've spent years inspiring me, so it's time I gave
back and inspired you once. I've made my bones on
being nasty and sardonic to those who deserve it. I
think you should try it.
I wouldn't suggest
this if I didn't think you were the best in the
entire world. And I do! Give em the gospel, O Holy
Tamingly your loyal