It would seem that
based on indications, you are going to be hosting
Monday Night Raw on September 14 from your hometown
of Toronto. As you can imagine, wrestling fans all
around the world are ecstatic. After all, you're the
most celebrated Women's Champion in the history of
WWE. You're a former fitness model with looks to die
for. You have more charisma and character than a
plethora of divas combined. And, of course, you're
an actual wrestling personality, so the fans will be
more than receptive to you when you come out on Raw.
See, Trish, I have
this horrible mental condition, one that paralyzes
me from getting the full enjoyment out of what life
offers me. It's called "harboring expectations". And
the expectations that I harbor in regards to you,
they revolve around my being familiar with your
wrestling career. In addition, they dually revolve
around seeing how Monday Night Raw has been booked
over the past two months with these guest hosting
When you put the
two together, disappointment abounds.
The whole point of
you hosting is to make it a fluff show where the
fans go home happy and little substance is
presented. It will be the night after the Breaking
Point pay per view, and so myself, along with all of
the fans who actually are relevant, will be looking
for the build up to Hell in a Cell.
all semblence of storyline progression will be
reduced into two fields:
main event storylines that last for five months with
little character development.
2. Silly sketches
with the guest host where the divas have a gimmick
match that ties in to the
Hornswoggle defeats Chavo Guerrero in another
pointless gimmick match, and Santino Marella does
something whacky instead of working.
A lot has changed
since you left Raw three years ago to get married,
retire at the age of thirty with your health, and
live a prosperous and rewarding life.
And I'd like you to
put all of that aside and help save Raw.
Now, before I
unveil my cunning plan to put on a good episode of
Raw and restore credibility to a dying promotion
($526 million made last year my ass!), lemme assure
you of my qualifications:
-I am a wrestling
fan of 23 years whose first memory was watching Hulk
Hogan cut a promo, which resulted in me whacking my
television with a plastic whiffle bat.
-I am a devoted fan
to the point where I spend about 14 hours a day on
the internet talking with other fans about how
stupid the product is. Because when you're loyal to
something, you spend all day trashing it.
-I have not watched
WWE programming since 2002, except for all of the
episodes of Raw, Smackdown, ECW, Velocity, Heat,
Jakked, Afterburn, AM Raw, Superstars, Saturday
Night's Main Event, Confidential, Excess, and pay
per views that my sister Morgan makes me watch
(about 85% of them).
weighing 375 lbs and having gangrene in one of my
feet is the sacrifice I've made to devote my life to
trying to improve WWE's product, which basically
entails of slagging it no matter what direction
change they make.
But anywho, Miss
Stratus, on to my plan to save the show!
1. When you're at
the production meeting that day, raise the issue
that it is a WRESTLING show, not a fucking sketch
comedy. You're there to promote WRESTLING, present
WRESTLING, and put over WRESTLING. So the first
order of business is that, as guest host, you want
to book matches that the fans want to see and that
make sense from a business standpoint. Tell Vince
McMahon that it makes perfect sense to fire John
Cena and Triple H at the top of the 9 PM hour, send
them home without bringing them back with a
bait-and-switch swerve, and book Evan Bourne to be
Randy Orton's next program. Assure Vince that the
reason the fans are so quiet during Bourne's
entrance is because they can't believe they'd give
away a match featuring a man of his abilities on
free TV, and that they get to witness it. If Vince
tries to balk, tell him that you'll start yelling
"BENOIT!" on the air if given a live mic. That'll
straighten his muddled ass out.
2. Refuse to book
any type of a match involving Chavo Guerrero and
Hornswoggle, unless it's a straight up squash match
where Chavo goes over cleanly and re-establishes
himself as a contender for the United States
Championship. This means more to us than you would
3. Challenge Mickie
James for the WWE Diva's title and work a fifteen
minute match with her. For the sake of continuity,
Mickie should still be obsessed with you. For
story's sake, you still haven't gotten over what a
nightmare she was when she stalked you several years
back, and now you're going to get your revenge. The
match should feature a lot of stretching submission
holds, hair pulling, and grunting. I could really
care less who wins, but these days, masturbatory
material in wrestling is sparse and this would do my
nostalgic heart good. As far as elevating a new
contender for Mickie, I know I preach about building
up stars of tomorrow, but admittedly, that takes a
backseat to me choking my jobber.
4. Have a
confrontation with Chris Jericho. It doesn't have to
lead anywhere. But your storyline several years ago
where you and Chris teased romance was a big hit
with the smarks. Reference the incident where he
tried to bet Christian $1 (CANADIAN!!!~!1!) that he
could bed your sweet ass. It has no bearing on
current storylines, but who cares? When McMahon or
DX do something that doesn't pertain to current
angles, we hate it. When someone we like does it,
it's ok. If that makes us hypocrites, then we'll
just be fat, cheese-odored hypocrites then.
5. Make out with
Lillian Garcia. Can't have enough lesbian stuff. If
Vince and USA bitch that it's not kid friendly, tell
them to take Law and Order: SVU off the network.
Besides, I need things to jerk off to, and I'm
growing bored of using SVU's dead hookers. And don't
you judge me for that!
6. Get rid of the
"Did You Know?" fact that WWE uses to pat themselves
on the back. Replace it with something worthwhile,
like "Marx Rayner is the most read writer on
thewrestlingfan.com or "Morgan
Rayner's Jeff Hardy action figure smells like her
pussy". Something informative.
7. Just yell
"BENOIT!" for the hell of it.
I make these
suggestions to you, because you owe us, Trish. It's
not very common that a wrestling personality is
mutually loved by both smarks and marks alike. The
male marks loved you because you're HAAAAAWT. The
female marks loved you because you fought hard and
gave it your all. As for the smarks....well, it took
you some time to win us over.
Yeah, we think
you're hot, and we have the sticky Kleenex to prove
it. But we overlooked a lot of things in order to
love you. We overlooked that your moves such as the
Stratusfaction, Stratusphere, MaTrish, and MaTrish
Reloaded were all awkward-looking, business exposing
moves that made you look like an amateur half the
time. We conveniently forget that you were involved
in 2002's worst match of the year (you and Bradshaw
vs. Chris Nowinski and Jackie Gayda). We omit that
in 2005, you turned face without any ounce of
character motivation. We pretend that in 2008, you
never came back to team with John Cena for one
night. We've done a lot for you during your time
with WWE and put you on the pedestal anyway.
So pay us back.
Implement these changes into Raw on September 14.
Then when we still bitch about the show the next
day, we'll still give you high marks for giving us
what we wanted. And our opinion is important.
Because without the smart-mark vote, you'd be doing
jobs for Beth Phoenix today.
Do the right thing.
My right hand thanks you in advance.