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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
Dear Trish Stratus
 
It would seem that based on indications, you are going to be hosting Monday Night Raw on September 14 from your hometown of Toronto. As you can imagine, wrestling fans all around the world are ecstatic. After all, you're the most celebrated Women's Champion in the history of WWE. You're a former fitness model with looks to die for. You have more charisma and character than a plethora of divas combined. And, of course, you're an actual wrestling personality, so the fans will be more than receptive to you when you come out on Raw. Everyone wins!

Except me.

See, Trish, I have this horrible mental condition, one that paralyzes me from getting the full enjoyment out of what life offers me. It's called "harboring expectations". And the expectations that I harbor in regards to you, they revolve around my being familiar with your wrestling career. In addition, they dually revolve around seeing how Monday Night Raw has been booked over the past two months with these guest hosting spots.

When you put the two together, disappointment abounds.

The whole point of you hosting is to make it a fluff show where the fans go home happy and little substance is presented. It will be the night after the Breaking Point pay per view, and so myself, along with all of the fans who actually are relevant, will be looking for the build up to Hell in a Cell.

Except all semblence of storyline progression will be reduced into two fields:

1. Paint-by-numbers main event storylines that last for five months with little character development.

2. Silly sketches with the guest host where the divas have a gimmick match that ties in to the
host's persona, Hornswoggle defeats Chavo Guerrero in another pointless gimmick match, and Santino Marella does something whacky instead of working.

A lot has changed since you left Raw three years ago to get married, retire at the age of thirty with your health, and live a prosperous and rewarding life.

And I'd like you to put all of that aside and help save Raw.

Now, before I unveil my cunning plan to put on a good episode of Raw and restore credibility to a dying promotion ($526 million made last year my ass!), lemme assure you of my qualifications:

-I am a wrestling fan of 23 years whose first memory was watching Hulk Hogan cut a promo, which resulted in me whacking my television with a plastic whiffle bat.

-I am a devoted fan to the point where I spend about 14 hours a day on the internet talking with other fans about how stupid the product is. Because when you're loyal to something, you spend all day trashing it.

-I have not watched WWE programming since 2002, except for all of the episodes of Raw, Smackdown, ECW, Velocity, Heat, Jakked, Afterburn, AM Raw, Superstars, Saturday Night's Main Event, Confidential, Excess, and pay per views that my sister Morgan makes me watch (about 85% of them).

So basically, weighing 375 lbs and having gangrene in one of my feet is the sacrifice I've made to devote my life to trying to improve WWE's product, which basically entails of slagging it no matter what direction change they make.

But anywho, Miss Stratus, on to my plan to save the show!

1. When you're at the production meeting that day, raise the issue that it is a WRESTLING show, not a fucking sketch comedy. You're there to promote WRESTLING, present WRESTLING, and put over WRESTLING. So the first order of business is that, as guest host, you want to book matches that the fans want to see and that make sense from a business standpoint. Tell Vince McMahon that it makes perfect sense to fire John Cena and Triple H at the top of the 9 PM hour, send them home without bringing them back with a bait-and-switch swerve, and book Evan Bourne to be Randy Orton's next program. Assure Vince that the reason the fans are so quiet during Bourne's entrance is because they can't believe they'd give away a match featuring a man of his abilities on free TV, and that they get to witness it. If Vince tries to balk, tell him that you'll start yelling "BENOIT!" on the air if given a live mic. That'll straighten his muddled ass out.

2. Refuse to book any type of a match involving Chavo Guerrero and Hornswoggle, unless it's a straight up squash match where Chavo goes over cleanly and re-establishes himself as a contender for the United States Championship. This means more to us than you would think.

3. Challenge Mickie James for the WWE Diva's title and work a fifteen minute match with her. For the sake of continuity, Mickie should still be obsessed with you. For story's sake, you still haven't gotten over what a nightmare she was when she stalked you several years back, and now you're going to get your revenge. The match should feature a lot of stretching submission holds, hair pulling, and grunting. I could really care less who wins, but these days, masturbatory material in wrestling is sparse and this would do my nostalgic heart good. As far as elevating a new contender for Mickie, I know I preach about building up stars of tomorrow, but admittedly, that takes a backseat to me choking my jobber.

4. Have a confrontation with Chris Jericho. It doesn't have to lead anywhere. But your storyline several years ago where you and Chris teased romance was a big hit with the smarks. Reference the incident where he tried to bet Christian $1 (CANADIAN!!!~!1!) that he could bed your sweet ass. It has no bearing on current storylines, but who cares? When McMahon or DX do something that doesn't pertain to current angles, we hate it. When someone we like does it, it's ok. If that makes us hypocrites, then we'll just be fat, cheese-odored hypocrites then.

5. Make out with Lillian Garcia. Can't have enough lesbian stuff. If Vince and USA bitch that it's not kid friendly, tell them to take Law and Order: SVU off the network. Besides, I need things to jerk off to, and I'm growing bored of using SVU's dead hookers. And don't you judge me for that!

6. Get rid of the "Did You Know?" fact that WWE uses to pat themselves on the back. Replace it with something worthwhile, like "Marx Rayner is the most read writer on thewrestlingfan.com or "Morgan Rayner's Jeff Hardy action figure smells like her pussy". Something informative.

7. Just yell "BENOIT!" for the hell of it.

I make these suggestions to you, because you owe us, Trish. It's not very common that a wrestling personality is mutually loved by both smarks and marks alike. The male marks loved you because you're HAAAAAWT. The female marks loved you because you fought hard and gave it your all. As for the smarks....well, it took you some time to win us over.

Yeah, we think you're hot, and we have the sticky Kleenex to prove it. But we overlooked a lot of things in order to love you. We overlooked that your moves such as the Stratusfaction, Stratusphere, MaTrish, and MaTrish Reloaded were all awkward-looking, business exposing moves that made you look like an amateur half the time. We conveniently forget that you were involved in 2002's worst match of the year (you and Bradshaw vs. Chris Nowinski and Jackie Gayda). We omit that in 2005, you turned face without any ounce of character motivation. We pretend that in 2008, you never came back to team with John Cena for one night. We've done a lot for you during your time with WWE and put you on the pedestal anyway.

So pay us back. Implement these changes into Raw on September 14. Then when we still bitch about the show the next day, we'll still give you high marks for giving us what we wanted. And our opinion is important. Because without the smart-mark vote, you'd be doing jobs for Beth Phoenix today.

Do the right thing. My right hand thanks you in advance.

Stratusfactorilly Yours,
M.R.

SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER


Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you. Marx can also be found at http://twitter.com/marxrayner, where he continues to stand behind his pulpit, expounding wrestling truth. Also, the pulpit helps him keep his balance.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).