By now, we've heard the
disappointing news and it's hit us all with the fury
of nacho tacquito diarrhea. Of course, I make
reference to your recent thirty-day suspension for
taking a banned substance. I'm writing this on a
Monday, over twenty-four hours before you're slated
to drop the Intercontinental Title at the Smackdown
tapings, presumably to Dolph Ziggler.
Of course, none of
us are particularly happy over the news. I mean, a
banned substance? Rey, you know that in the fallout
of the scandals of Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit
dying, that WWE is going to attempt to turn up the
heat and become an overly glorified detox center.
And look who you've let down. You let Vince McMahon
down, who would NEVER push a 5'5" wrestler under
normal circumstances and now has ammunition to
cancel a future push. You let down Dolph Ziggler,
who probably feels like he's getting the title by
default (assuming he is the one who wins it). You
let Eddie Guerrero down, the man you shamelessly
dedicated your career to on countless occasions by
going down the path that killed him. You let the
marks down, who buy into your super hero act and
snatch up all of your merchandise.
Rey, who HAVEN'T
you let down?
wrestling community. That's who.
See, a few weeks ago,
Kurt Angle was involved in a bizarre incident
wherein he was arrested on stalking and drug
possession charges. Because he works for TNA, we
smarks all came out and ridiculed him without having
the complete story. Because that's what we do. When
a wrestler we harbor confusing ill will toward
messes up, we make our voices heard! On message
boards. And forums. But if we could do it to their
faces, we would! INTERNET TOUGH GUYS FTW!
But I digress.
Angle got mocked by us because he no longer works
for WWE. As long as you're under McMahon's bubble,
we'll usually find a way to justify anything you do
wrong. This is because WWE is a part of our regular
schedules. Wake up at 2 PM, eat some chips, go
online till 9 PM while snacking, watch Raw. We don't
deviate from our schedules at all. So as long as the
WWE cloud hangs over your head, we'll just look past
whatever you do wrong.
Don't believe me?
Let's take a look at your WWE career.
you in 1994, we followed your career through 2002
and noticed you were never anything more than a
lean, albeit well-toned, high flyer. If you weighed
more than 145 pounds, we'd be surprised. Smarks know
what 145 pounds looks like. Either we're 145 right
now until the day we die, or that's what we weighed
in gym class when we were 9. There's really no
middle ground. But regardless, as soon as you
stepped through the curtain in your Smackdown debut
in 2002, you appeared to have developed a rigid diet
of roids, roids, more roids, and roids in drinkable
form. Also, you had a HUGE and very pointless spinal
tattoo which I'm sure serves to cover up any backne
that your steroid regimen might dredge up. This is
also why fat, greasy guys always have homeless-man
beards. Not shaving is cheaper than Clearasil.
But there was no
outcry over your acquisition of sheer bulk. Hell,
just the opposite. In fact, the very second you
showed us you can still do a diving headscissors, we
fucking FORGOT about the excess weight! You could
have showed up to Smackdown with track marks up and
down both arms and shaking violently from a heroin
addiction, but if you still could hit a diving
seated senton, we would have said "Man, Rey hasn't
lost a step! Look at him go!".
See, Rey, us smarks
are dense enough not to change course on our
feelings no matter what the circumstances present.
Don't believe me? Look at how many of us still
defend Chris Benoit to this day. "Give us the
footage back, Vince! He had concussions!". Sounds
absurd, doesn't it? Ohh, you bet it does. We can
justify double homicides as long as we can get
unedited wrestling shows to enjoy. By the way, I'm a
virgin if you couldn't tell.
But sometimes, as
smarks, we overreact to things. Look at the other
controversies you've been involved with in your WWE
career. You were in a storyline where Eddie Guerrero
was allegedly the real father of your son Dominik,
and it was so unabashedly appalling and
intelligence-insulting that we condemned the very
idea that a child-services agency would allow the
custody of a nine-year-old boy to be determined
through a fight involving steel ladders. And what
happened when Eddie died? You dedicated your career
to him, which is fine. Considering that three months
ago, he was mocking the fact that he had to 'seal
the deal' with your wife because you were shooting
blanks, but regardless. You wound up dedicating all
future victories to him and wearing his initialled
armband at all times, presumably while fucking your
wife that you couldn't fully satisfy according the
storyline (SIDENOTE: did Eddie father your daughter
also? Was she your offspring through some miracle
that allowed you to finally conceive? WE DEMAND AN
EXPLANATION!). And through your dedication, guys
like Randy Orton and Mark Henry and JBL would mock
your dead (for real) ally. THIS was really
appalling. And then you feuded with Eddie's WIDOW!
And his NEPHEW! And they were the HEELS!
Reread that entire
paragraph, Rey. Hell, you have a month off, take
your time. Had these storylines involved someone
like Kane or Mike Knox or Chris Masters or Vladimir
Kozlov, we would never let them forget how useless
they are, multiplied by the stupidity of their body
But you're made of
teflon, Rey. You have several advantages that keep
us from trashing you to death.
-You currently work
for WWE, the afforementioned "always a part of our
-You worked for
WCW, giving us a chance to defend you whenever
you're involved in a bad angle/pointless jobbing by
saying "They used him better in WCW!" (also known as
"The Booker T Principle"). Truthfully, we love
having ammo that allows us to bitch for hours.
-You worked for New
Japan as well as the original ECW, which evokes a
high amount of nostalgic testosterone from our pores
at the mere sight of you. The author of this letter
once bricked a bag of seed in the front of his
jockeys when former ECW jobber Tony Devito appeared
as a jobber three years ago. So you can imagine what
your level of acceptance is!
So because of these
three principles (work for WWE, previous WCW
experience, previous Japan/ECW experience), we will
never doubt you for a second. Smarks like to live in
the past and talk about what happened "back when
wrestling was good". WWE can shove Dolph Ziggler and
The Miz and Kofi Kingston towards us all they want.
But their resumes SUCK. They will never compare to
So while you sit
home and ride out your suspension, remember that we
may be annoyed that you took drugs NOW, but wait
till your October return rolls around. When you run
in and take down Ziggler or Punk or Jericho or
whoever, we will leap out of our chairs (depending
on how bad our fat-induced sciatica is) and cheer,
forgetting that you broke the law and caused further
damage to your misshapen body.
And Rey, if you
don't believe me, just think back to the career of
Chris Benoit. Even after he'd stumble to the ring in
his later years, looking like a cloudy-eyed, tense,
overroided, vacant stub of anti-humanity with a
brain resembling melted Swiss cheese, we still
screamed orgasmically with every chop he stung a
healthy and clearly inferior midcarder with. Up
until the day he died, we were looking forward to
him demolishing the new ECW roster, and remained
whistful that his sadistic pain would continue.
And you will
continue, Rey. And if you drop dead from your drug
consumption, we'll still have the sweet memories.
Come on back soon!