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by Marx Rayner

Dear Mick Foley,

Where do I begin? You're a 43 year old, 300 pound sack of shit with scrungy hair and a dorky sense of humor. So it's perfect that you're the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Because I hate TNA. And I hate you. That's a perfect marriage. I didn't order the PPV where you defeated Sting to become champion, but I heard about it from a bunch of fans on this forum where none of them ordered the show either. But they all told me how much the match and show sucked. If you can't trust a guy whose user name is DarthMaulsFrodo, who CAN you trust?

So let's look at this sucky match, alright? I can't tell you a single spot that happened because, like I said, I didn't see it. But I'm still going to analyze it while my IWA Mid South torrents download. You're 43 years old, Mick. Sting is 50. FIFTY! Two old dudes in a wild fight for surpremacy? Insert early bird special joke here! And insert any of the following words into the joke: artificial hip, wrinkles, shell of his former self, and fucking old. How are two men east of forty years old going to draw against something like Wrestlemania? Undertaker and Shawn Michaels were the best reason to watch the show, you know. And they delivered in spades.

Besides, didn't you retire in 2000?

I'm not going to waste a whole lot more time giving a damn about you in 2009, because it's not worth me puffing on my inhaler over. Instead, I'm going to remind you of the good times.

Remember your awesome 2004 run when you made Randy Orton into a main event player? Not only did you selflessly come out of retirement to put him over at Wrestlemania, but you had one HELL of a brawl with him at Backlash that cemented him as a star. And then you had your foray in ROH back in 2004 and 2005. You endorsed so many young talents, and if anyone's word means anything in wrestling, it's a man who toiled in the indies before making it big. You even lobbied for great talents like CM Punk and Samoa Joe to get deals with WWE and TNA, which they did. And of course, you had your brilliant 2006 run with Ric Flair, where your promos carried Raw for months, even though I refused to watch it because they botched ECW's relaunch and I hold a grudge to this day.

Of course, all of these great and brilliant offerings happened AFTER you retired, so even though you did your best to help, I'm still going to label you a money grubbing hypocrite. Because that's what I do.

So now you're in TNA, where you're the champion? Why do you think you deserve to be champion? You're a mainstream twat with world-wide name value and respect. You're not like Jerry Lynn, the Ring of Honor champion, whom *I* respect. Because Lynn would never sell out the hundreds of fans who love him by jumping to a big company, selling for his opponents, making memorable feuds and matches, boosting the industry's credibility, and then giving back in retirement by putting WWE's top workers, ROH's rising stars, and TNA's name value and entity over. Lynn's happy in dingy armories bumping in front of know-it-all fans, which is what you should have been doing instead of being happy and successful.

But the immortal sin you committed was leaving WWE.

I'm going to make this simple: I am a smark. I have set viewing habits and a life devoted to routine. Impact is on Thursdays at 9 PM. It wasn't part of my viewing habits six years ago, and I'm not going to change them now. Although I don't watch Raw out of spite, a lot of smarks do. Monday nights at 9 have been in the smarks' viewing habits since 1993 and we don't accept change easily. So when ANYONE willfully leaves WWE for TNA, we hate them. We nitpick their flaws that we never nitpicked before. Christian wasn't a "midcarder for life" until 2005 when he jumped. Kurt Angle wasn't a "crazed pillhead" until 2006 when he jumped. Booker T wasn't a "washed up hasbeen" until 2007 when he jumped. And you weren't a worthless set of broken bones until 2008 when you dared leave WWE. Think I'm kidding? Wait and see if Chris Jericho jumps to TNA one day, when the IWC will spontaneously agree that he's a chubby prick with N'SYNC hair.

So hey, best of luck, Mick. Have fun in TNA as their champion. I hope TNA dies while you're champ. Because if anyone deserves to be a failure, it's a man who ravaged his body with barbed wire and C4 immolatives, toured the world to hone his craft, put people over without complaining, and made opponents look like stars. I put the epic-fail curse on you, Mick. Thanks for nothing, fuckhead!

Spitefully yours,


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).