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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
Dear Kurt Angle
 
You have some horrible timing, my friend.
 
As you can imagine, the news of your arrest this past weekend has raged like a wildfire over the internet, placing a blight upon your once great name. I mean, the charges are pretty heavy. Between stalking your girlfriend who placed a PFA on you, and possessing HGH, these charges are indicative of someone who has serious personal issues and is facing severe punishment for his actions.
 

But enough about that. Let's get to the REAL reason I'm writing you today.
 
I'm writing to let you know that the internet wrestling community no longer supports you. That's right, Kurt. You, once considered perhaps the greatest North American technical wrestler of this decade, are out of favor with the very fans who lobbied for you to become a star.
 

Now, we didn't stop supporting you over the incidents of August 15, 2009. No, we made up our minds in September 2006 when you jumped to TNA. And really, we've just been looking for anything, ANYTHING, that we could bust your shrunken, over-roided nuts over.
 
See, Kurt, we could care less about spousal abuse. In the IWC, we have a rigid system in place that determine how we handle scandals in wrestling. I figure since I was instrumental in helping make you a main eventer in WWE, I can let you in on the trade secrets. So here goes.
 

The first thing is we determine what the wrestler's likeability is. Since it's the IWC's judgment, we base it almost solely on technical skill. This is more important than, say, mainstream acceptance. We don't care about what the masses like. The masses watch American Idol. The IWC writes petitions to get Futurama back on the air and are ecstatic when we hit 40 signatures. So no, we could care less how much of a media darling you are. In fact, lemme rattle off five names as an example.
 
-Hulk Hogan - most popular wrestler of all time
-Hillbilly Jim - likeable personality who couldn't wrestle too well
-Dynamite Kid - tremendous wrestler, absolute douchebag
-Chris Benoit - tremendous wrestler with serious dementia
-Kurt Angle - tremendous wrestler AND media darling due to Olympic ties
 
Alright, now let's assign a scandal to each person
 
-Hulk Hogan - Pulled over for a DUI at 3 AM
 

As the IWC, we will damn Hogan for this. We will spend YEARS talking about this, and never let it go. Like a rottweiler with caramels stuck it's teeth, once we sink our incisors into it, it's not getting free. Hogan could help cure cancer five years later with a $5,000,000 donation to a research group, and we'd still say "Wow, thank God he didn't get pulled over for a DUI delivering the check!". You know, because he couldn't wrestle. And he got more attention than Dynamite Kid, who COULD wrestle.
 
Fucking Hogan. Anyway, next one.
 

-Hillbilly Jim - Declares bankruptcy after a business venture of his goes bad
 
The IWC will briefly say "Wow, that sucks" before moving on to bitch about one of JD Dunn's ROH tape reviews that the match with American Wolves vs. Steenerico wasn't **** like he claims, but was actually ***3/4. Because we have important interests in correcting people who don't agree with us, and goddamnit, we can't waste too much time feeling bad about someone who can't chain wrestle!
 

-Dynamite Kid - While fucked up on LSD, he hijacks a gasoline tanker, drives it into a schoolyard where several handicapped children are playing wheelchair basketball, but he survives and pulls out a gun, mortally wounding Bishop Desmond Tutu who was visiting before being tackled by police, but not before TV camera crews pick up the audio of him speaking unkindly about Jews, Latinos, and albinos.
 
Do we even NEED to discuss this? All we have to say is "Yeah, that was bad, but remember when he used to face Tiger Mask? THAT SHIT WAS AWESOME!" and then we high-five our monitors, hoping somebody who agrees with us high-fives in return. See, Kurt, Dynamite gets away with it the same way he got away with mistreating his wife and children for so many years: because he was awesome in the ring.
 
Now, let's do two real-life examples
 

-Chris Benoit - kills wife and son before hanging himself over a June 2007 weekend
 
-Kurt Angle - arrested in August 2009 on charges of violating a PFA and possessing growth hormone
 
Now, what we have here are two of the finest technicians I've ever watched wrestle. But am I supposed to feel about them? I posed the question to my sister Morgan, who is a steadfast kayfabe supporter and watches for the personalities and storylines. Here is her verbatim response:
 

"Well, we can still appreciate their body of work, because they entertained so many people, but I'd feel uncomfortable about supporting them so vociferously. I mean, the abuse they took performing has taken a toll on their mental faculties, perhaps leading them down this road. Benoit had brain damage and Angle's clearly not all there anymore. If anything, this should be a wake-up call for wrestling fans to not encourage such stiff and dangerous work. Instead, there has to be a happy medium where the wrestlers can perform fast-paced, exciting, and compelling matches without destroying their brain cells and bone structures. As for them as human beings, it's hard to forget the crimes they committed, and like I said, it's hard to wholeheartedly get behind them, knowing what they did."
 
After Fatzilla was done rambling, I came to the conclusion that she was kind of making sense. After all, the IWC totally jumped to Benoit's side because of his brain damage. I mean, you don't land those diving headbutts, German suplexes, swan dive planchas, really amazing and awesome bumps where Chris would....would....
 
Sorry, I needed a moment there. I need to remind myself to buy a keyboard that doesn't get so sticky. But anyway, Benoit's brain was fucked up beyond all repair and that's ok. Because he entertained us. And Kurt, you're in the same boat. Your brain is fucked up. You entertained us. But halt! There's one MAJOR problem here that keeps the IWC from flocking to your side.
 

You work for TNA.
 
See, the albatross that keeps us from supporting you is that you work for the company that all true smarks hate. We hate TNA because we predicted in 2002 before its first show that it would be dead within six weeks. And seven years later, it's still alive. We hate the fact that we were proven wrong. I mean, it's the ONLY time we've been wrong, but still it blemishes our record. And we deal with it simply by trashing everyone and everything associated with it.
 

See, had Benoit jumped to TNA in 2006 when he didn't have a WWE contract, we would bashed TNA for hiring someone who abused his wife and was a walking time bomb. Christ, imagine the field day we would have had laughing this up on the message boards! Talk about a slice of heaven! But because he worked for WWE, which we hate but accept because we never predicted its death before giving it a chance, we hold nothing against him.Besides, him and Sasauke at the '94 J-Cup was AWESOME. That supercedes any crimes he may have committed.
 
So, yeah Kurt, you have horrible timing. Had you beaten Rhaka Khan, stalked her, and possessed HGH while working in McMahonland, we would've simply said "Man, I hope this doesn't effect his upcoming angle/match. I don't know who else can carry the PPV". But you're in TNA, and we could give a shit about them.
 
So I hope you do go to jail, get fired, and are disgraced forever, Kurt. Because three years ago, you committed the biggest crime of them all: you helped support a promotion that smarks couldn't wait to see die out of pessimistic reasons that we'll never fully understand. Then on top of that, add charges of abuse, stalking, and drug possession. You are a horrible man, Kurt Angle. I will never let you back into my heart, you piece of rotting shit!
 
Unless Vince brings you back. Then wooo, bring on Kurt Angle vs. Evan Bourne!
 

Truthfully yours,
M.R.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).