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by Marx Rayner
Dear Jeremy Piven

How does it feel? How does it feel to have to sit out there in your Hollywood home, knowing that a major taint is about to become bestowed on your supposedly great career?
Of course, I'm referring to the annual RSPW Awards. RSPW, in case you were too busy filming a movie, stands for Rec.Sport.Pro-Wrestling, and it is the forefather of internet wrestling sites. It is a newsgroup which was created in late 1989, still has an archived post from January 1990 on it as a relic, and, to this day, is the ultimate hub for wrestling fans to get the latest news, trade rumor information, and speak about all things rasslin'.The awards have been an annual tradition since 1990, championing all that is great with the business and looking down our noses at those who have disgraced the industry in the prior 12 months.
But before we get to all of that, how about we gander at you, since you're the subject of my mental disturbia today?
I first became aware of you around 1997 or so. I was a sophomore in high school, feverishly devoting myself to ECW's rise to the national stage, as well as WWF's rise toward a more vulgarly emcompassing product, and the nWo's reign of terror in WCW. In other words, it was a great time to be a wrestling fan.
So much was happening in 1997. I remember getting out of school in June, skipping the celebration bonfire down by the lake that night because my VHS copy of ECW Hostile City Showdown '97 had arrived via UPS and I didn't have time for "social celebrations of life" in letting me be distracting from E-C-FUCKING-DUBYA! So I popped the tape in and was so wound up when it ended around 11:30 that I just couldn't go straight to bed. It was summer! 11:30! Mom said as long as I didn't wake my sister Morgan up (she was 9 at the time), I could stay up all night. Lord knows she had no clue what she was facilitating!
So I kept the TV on while I went to check 1wrestling.com (OLD SCHOOL!), and this odd little movie came on Comedy Central. It was called "PCU" and, of course, you were one of the stars. Never heard of you before, but I certainly have since. Though it was a light hearted romp about college cliques (how did they leave out the 3 or 4 guys who had the wrestling nerd clique? EXCLUSIONARY!), I made a realization.I hated your character. And, by proxy, I hated you. Yes, Jeremy, I hated your character of "Droz". His fast-talking, overly-sarcastic, balding-in-his-20's, always-plays-it-cool Droz. Why can't you be like the wrestling equivalent of Droz and become a fucking quadrapalegic? Making the logical transition, I began likening the character Droz to how you were in real life. A trifecta of events occured on that night that I'll never forget: I thoroughly enjoyed ECW Hostile City Showdown '97, I broke Morgan's Tamaigotchi just because I could, and I learned to hate Jeremy Piven.
Believe in me, in my life, I would stay up till 4 AM on many occasions. A man like me who has such knowledge to share and skills to offer you'd think would live on a normal schedule like the rest of society, I know. But my quests for wrestling info and my dedication to IWC chat rooms would keep me up at hours that only vampires and Mickey Rourke could appreciate. And usually Comedy Central would be on as a soundtrack to my exploits. Through all of the crappy movies they'd air, whether it be Clue, Delirious, Transylvania 6-5000, Bachelor Party, etc, PCU would always show up in the rotation. And I would continue to hate your stinkin' guts, because it's cooler to hate someone than it is to change the channel and be happy with your choice.
Rather than ignore you and, say, enjoy the things in life that I'd prefer to love, I grew to hate you more. Very Bad Things? Refused to watch it. Blackhawk Down? Rented it, hated it because you were in it. Old School? Friend took me to see it, moped because you were in it. Smokin' Aces? Boycotted it. And don't even get me started on Entourage, which apparently a lot of smarks seem to love because it's cool and edgy. Why is it that everything that people say is "cool and edgy" is something I wind up hating with a passion? I mean, every single fucking time! So imagine my dismay when it's announced that you, Jeremy Fucking Piven, are going to be hosting Monday Night Raw. I nearly blew a gasket until Morgan reminded me that I hardly watch Raw. And then I blew that gasket anyway because I enjoy feeling entitled to my unending rage. This guest host thing is shitty enough and I began ranting about it in front of Morgan, and she scoffed and said "If Morgan Webb hosted, would you be against it?"
Now, for the record, I only didn't respond because I had dust in my throat. My stammering was purely unintentional. For her to imply that I'm a hypocrite who can change his mind just because some hot and nerdy girl is involved is ridiculous. But back to the point.Morgan watched Raw and I didn't, thus keeping the streak alive. When I checked the comment boards at 11:10, I was vindicated to find that so many of my fellow smarks had lambasted this festering piece of monkey dung that you call a hosting gig. I didn't watch it, but I'm going to criticize it anyway. I mean, c'mon. Summer-FEST? That stupid Asian guy that was with you? Turning heel for no reason other than to make Cena look stronger? I'm GLAD I chose to arrange my anime nudes in chronological order instead of watching Raw is Crap that night. Morgan didn't really like the show either, but she was a bit more optimistic than my bretheren. In fact, she even posted on of my favorite forums, which is like a retarded 4 year old wandering into Hell's Kitchen, New York. She posted this:
"I agree, Jeremy Piven didn't do a good job hosting the show tonight, but how could he? He's just reading the lines that he was fed. WWE superstars don't give good interviews anymore because they have to memorize things and read them robotically. It's unfair to expect Piven to do any better, even though he's an actor. If anything, this should be a wake-up call for WWE to let the performers do things a little more off-the-cuff to liven up themselves, as well as the audience. But let's not blame Jeremy, because he did his best with what he was given."
Morgan's right. About one thing. You ARE an actor, and you COULDN'T make written lines work! HA HA HA HA! You're a terrible actor, Piven! As much as my sister annoys me by being a brain-dead paint-thinner sniffing 'tard, she brought up a great point. You, as a classically trained actor with over 20 years of ACTING experience, did worse than a marble-mouthed NBA player did the week before! And I didn't watch THAT show either, but who cares! I'm a smark! I can make assumptions without doing any research! HA HA HA HA!
So back to my earlier point about the RSPW Awards. Awards like "worst angle", "most obnoxious personality", and "worst promotional move" are tailor-made for your one night hosting gig. And rest assured, I will spend my next few months campaigning relentlessly to make sure you win them. I'll call out of work if the situation merits my best efforts. My hatred of you is that intense, Jeremy. And your resume will be stained forever when the prestigious RSPW awards welcomes you into the fold with a few negative "honors". It'll be on your record forever, dude. "2009 Most Obnoxious Personality - Jeremy Piven".  Up there with prior winners the likes of Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, Stephanie McMahon, and Jerry Lawler. Congratulations on your future success, you tool. Have fun sleeping tonight.
And by the way, The Goods looks shitty. Hope it ends your career, you bitch.
Arigoldingly Yours,

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).