How does it feel? How
does it feel to have to sit out there in your
Hollywood home, knowing that a major taint is about
to become bestowed on your supposedly great career?
Of course, I'm
referring to the annual RSPW Awards. RSPW, in case
you were too busy filming a movie, stands for Rec.Sport.Pro-Wrestling, and it is the forefather of
internet wrestling sites. It is a newsgroup which
was created in late 1989, still has an archived post
from January 1990 on it as a relic, and, to this
day, is the ultimate hub for wrestling fans to get
the latest news, trade rumor information, and speak
about all things rasslin'.The awards have been an
annual tradition since 1990, championing all that is
great with the business and looking down our noses
at those who have disgraced the industry in the
prior 12 months.
But before we get to
all of that, how about we gander at you, since
you're the subject of my mental disturbia today?
I first became aware of
you around 1997 or so. I was a sophomore in high
school, feverishly devoting myself to ECW's rise to
the national stage, as well as WWF's rise toward a
more vulgarly emcompassing product, and the nWo's
reign of terror in WCW. In other words, it was a
great time to be a wrestling fan.
So much was happening
in 1997. I remember getting out of school in June,
skipping the celebration bonfire down by the lake
that night because my VHS copy of ECW Hostile City
Showdown '97 had arrived via UPS and I didn't have
time for "social celebrations of life" in letting me
be distracting from E-C-FUCKING-DUBYA! So I popped
the tape in and was so wound up when it ended around
11:30 that I just couldn't go straight to bed. It
was summer! 11:30! Mom said as long as I didn't wake
my sister Morgan up (she was 9 at the time), I could
stay up all night. Lord knows she had no clue what
she was facilitating!
So I kept the TV on
while I went to check 1wrestling.com (OLD SCHOOL!), and this odd little
movie came on Comedy Central. It was called "PCU"
and, of course, you were one of the stars. Never
heard of you before, but I certainly have since.
Though it was a light hearted romp about college
cliques (how did they leave out the 3 or 4 guys who
had the wrestling nerd clique? EXCLUSIONARY!), I
made a realization.I hated your character. And, by
proxy, I hated you.
I hated your character of "Droz". His fast-talking,
always-plays-it-cool Droz. Why can't you be like the
wrestling equivalent of Droz and become a fucking
quadrapalegic? Making the logical transition, I
began likening the character Droz to how you were in
real life. A trifecta of events occured on that
night that I'll never forget: I thoroughly enjoyed
ECW Hostile City Showdown '97, I broke Morgan's
Tamaigotchi just because I could, and I learned to
hate Jeremy Piven.
Believe in me, in my
life, I would stay up till 4 AM on many occasions. A
man like me who has such knowledge to share and
skills to offer you'd think would live on a normal
schedule like the rest of society, I know. But my
quests for wrestling info and my dedication to IWC
chat rooms would keep me up at hours that only
vampires and Mickey Rourke could appreciate. And
usually Comedy Central would be on as a soundtrack
to my exploits. Through all of the crappy movies
they'd air, whether it be Clue, Delirious,
Transylvania 6-5000, Bachelor Party, etc, PCU would
always show up in the rotation. And I would continue
to hate your stinkin' guts, because it's cooler to
hate someone than it is to change the channel and be
happy with your choice.
Rather than ignore you
and, say, enjoy the things in life that I'd prefer
to love, I grew to hate you more. Very Bad Things?
Refused to watch it. Blackhawk Down? Rented it,
hated it because you were in it. Old School? Friend
took me to see it, moped because you were in it.
Smokin' Aces? Boycotted it. And don't even get me
started on Entourage, which apparently a lot of
smarks seem to love because it's cool and edgy. Why
is it that everything that people say is "cool and
edgy" is something I wind up hating with a passion?
I mean, every single fucking time!
my dismay when it's announced that you, Jeremy
Fucking Piven, are going to be hosting Monday Night
Raw. I nearly blew a gasket until Morgan reminded me
that I hardly watch Raw. And then I blew that gasket
anyway because I enjoy feeling entitled to my
unending rage. This guest host thing is shitty
enough and I began ranting about it in front of
Morgan, and she scoffed and said "If Morgan Webb
hosted, would you be against it?"
Now, for the record, I
only didn't respond because I had dust in my throat.
My stammering was purely unintentional. For her to
imply that I'm a hypocrite who can change his mind
just because some hot and nerdy girl is involved is
ridiculous. But back to the point.Morgan watched Raw
and I didn't, thus keeping the streak alive. When I
checked the comment boards at 11:10, I was
vindicated to find that so many of my fellow smarks
had lambasted this festering piece of monkey dung
that you call a hosting gig. I didn't watch it, but
I'm going to criticize it anyway. I mean, c'mon.
Summer-FEST? That stupid Asian guy that was with
you? Turning heel for no reason other than to make
Cena look stronger? I'm GLAD I chose to arrange my
anime nudes in chronological order instead of
watching Raw is Crap that night. Morgan didn't
really like the show either, but she was a bit more
optimistic than my bretheren. In fact, she even
posted on of my favorite forums, which is like a
retarded 4 year old wandering into Hell's Kitchen,
New York. She posted this:
"I agree, Jeremy Piven
didn't do a good job hosting the show tonight, but
how could he? He's just reading the lines that he
was fed. WWE superstars don't give good interviews
anymore because they have to memorize things and
read them robotically. It's unfair to expect Piven
to do any better, even though he's an actor. If
anything, this should be a wake-up call for WWE to
let the performers do things a little more
off-the-cuff to liven up themselves, as well as the
audience. But let's not blame Jeremy, because he did
his best with what he was given."
Morgan's right. About
one thing. You ARE an actor, and you COULDN'T make
written lines work! HA HA HA HA! You're a terrible
actor, Piven! As much as my sister annoys me by
being a brain-dead paint-thinner sniffing 'tard, she
brought up a great point. You, as a classically
trained actor with over 20 years of ACTING
experience, did worse than a marble-mouthed NBA
player did the week before! And I didn't watch THAT
show either, but who cares! I'm a smark! I can make
assumptions without doing any research! HA HA HA HA!
So back to my earlier
point about the RSPW Awards. Awards like "worst
angle", "most obnoxious personality", and "worst
promotional move" are tailor-made for your one night
hosting gig. And rest assured, I will spend my next
few months campaigning relentlessly to make sure you
win them. I'll call out of work if the situation
merits my best efforts. My hatred of you is that
intense, Jeremy. And your resume will be stained
forever when the prestigious RSPW awards welcomes
you into the fold with a few negative "honors".
It'll be on your record forever, dude. "2009 Most
Obnoxious Personality - Jeremy Piven". Up
there with prior winners the likes of Vince McMahon,
Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, Stephanie McMahon, and
Jerry Lawler. Congratulations on your future
success, you tool. Have fun sleeping tonight.
And by the way, The
Goods looks shitty. Hope it ends your career, you