Dear Brian Kendrick
I still haven't
simmered down upon hearing the news of your release
from WWE this past week. I'm sure you're just as
bummed out, having spent the majority of the last
six years of your career toiling away endlessly and
without any semblence of appreciation from the
office for all of your hard work. I just think back
to all of the bumps you took over the years, all of
the times you've sold for less talented opponents,
and how you've even put a lot of them over at your
own expense. Life just isn't fair.
But fear
not, you have support. While the insufferable marks
don't mind so long as they have Cena and Hardy and
Hunter and Batista to fall back on, you have your
own loyal army of Spank-tastic followers who will
remain loyal die-hard fans of yours. A good number
of us have already pledged to never watch WWE again
in light of your release. Of course, we said the
same thing when WWE released Gunner Scott. And Joey
Mercury. And Marcus Cor Von. And Shannon Moore. And
Super Crazy. And Paul London. And Elijah Burke. And
Scotty Goldman. And Mr. Kennedy. So basically, the
smarks have a shitty track record for sticking to
their word when it comes to protesting WWE. But THIS
TIME we mean it!
And why wouldn't we? You've
provided so many wonderous moments on Vince
McMahon's telecasts.
If you need proof of
your worth to the company, remember that HILARIOUS
battle rap you had with John Cena? Back when Cena
was still a heel and allowed to have an interesting
persona? You had the Flava Flav clock around your
neck and actually got the crowd into it, putting
your untested beatbox skills to good use. Now,
admittedly, I never actually WATCHED the segment. At
that point, I was avoiding Smackdown like the plague
because of the Roddy Piper/Vince McMahon/Mr. America
angle, so I had to excise watching your material as
part of my protest. But if my fellow smarks tell me
it was funny, then I'll just take their word for it.
My sister Morgan tells me that the segment is on
Cena's first DVD and I can watch it anytime I want,
but I refuse since to watch it would be an
endorsement of WWE's golden child. What if I'm
watching it and one of my smark buddies catches me?
My image would be ruined! I could never show my face
on the forums again! And as a prominent internet
writer with legions of followers, I would be letting
the world down. Remember how sullen all of Hitler's
followers were during his diatribe in "Downfall"?
It's like that.
But then you left WWE in 2004
and went back to Japan, where you hit up Zero1 and
won the NWA International Lightweight Tag Team
Titles with both Low Ki and Kaz Hayashi. Finally, a
place where you could be appreciated! Getting to
showcase your unique blend of athletic wrestling and
in-ring comedy on a stage where the fans crave for
such a style. Your run there was just incredible.
But it's not like I've seen any of the matches. That
guy I know sells Zero1 tapes won't haggle with me,
so it's no dough fo sho. But still, you worked with
Ki, Hayashi, Ikuto Hidaka, and Minoru Fujita, and
they're all great workers! I've never seen Fujita
wrestle, but he's on FirePro, so he HAS to be great!
All in all, I'm chalking up your Zero1 run as an
epic win because, well, it's just an assumption.
If you needed any more proof of your awesomeness,
the fact that WWE rehired you in 2005 is just such
evidence. And what did they do? They made you and
Paul London tag team champs for nearly a year! You
guys were on every Smackdown brand PPV as champs,
having great matches with MNM, The Pitbulls, the
Teacher's Pets, The Hardys, Regal & Taylor, and
Deuce and Domino. Come to think of it, why am I
bitching about WWE here? They showcased you and Paul
as heart-filled underdogs who outsmarted and
outmaneuvered bigger opponents en route to remaining
champions. They let you demonstrate your innovative
high flying tactics and you became sentimental crowd
favorites. And in that one calendar year, we got to
appreciate you on an American stage as the best tag
team in the world at the time. I remember being so
happy when you guys won the gold from MNM, dampened
only by the fact that you guys pinned the indie guy
rather than the Tough Enough jobber, but I was
willing to let it slide. If I'd only seen the PPV.
Eh well, Scott Keith gave it ***1/4, so I'm sure it
was a good match. Come to think of it, I don't think
I watched ANY PPVs that you guys defended the belts
on. I mean, I love you and Paul, but I'm not going
to waste $40 to appreciate great wrestling. Hell, I
won't even drop $15 for the DVD at FYE just because
my food budget is demanding. Meanwhile, Vince caters
to the little kids who ask their parents to spend
$40 so that they can watch Cena and Hardy. I don't
get that logic at all.
Then eventually, they
split the two of you up and made you a heel with
personality. And just how fucking awesome was
THE~~~!~~~!1~~~~ (can't have too many tildebangs~~!)
BRIAN KENDRICK! Got my attention for sure as you got
your own bodyguard, a new swank jacket, and the
personality of a deluded cult leader. I actually
downloaded your "Man with a Plan" theme song and
used to dance in my bedroom in one of dad's old
Fonzie jackets while blowing kisses the way you do.
Until I found out Morgan got it on her camera phone
and uploaded it onto youtube under "HAIRY PANCAKE
TIT DANCE". She wasn't laughing when I put her copy
of The Marine through my paper shredder. And I
shaved my chest hair, so TAKE THAT MORGAN IF YOU'RE
READING THIS YOU OVERSTUFFED BITCH!
Where was
I? Oh, right, THE~! Brian Kendrick. Your push began
to taper off once word broke that you had a distinct
habit for smoking the Mary Jane. You know, I think
it's really unfair. I was digging your work in this
time period, squashing jobbers with help from
Ezekiel and scheming your way into the World Title
scene. But alas, I couldn't watch Smackdown because
Triple H was on it. But the written accounts I came
across portrayed you in a very positive light,
talking about how you always stole the show. I'm
sure the fact that smarks wrote these accounts
indicates ABSOLUTELY NO BIAS whatsoever. So based on
their glowing words for you in comparison to the
remainder of the wrestlers they wrote about, it
seems as if WWE pretty much fired Jesus Christ last
week. And that's what has me all fired up.
Wow, I just realized I've barely seen any of your
work. I've just based my undying love for you on
anecdotes written by other fans.
This is
awkward.
Uhhh....but that doesn't mean you're
NOT more worthy of being World Champion than Triple
H! You have to remember that we smarks have a great
instinct for things! We can make accurate judgments
without even having to WATCH the product! If Vince
McMahon can get his head out of his ass and realize
that when every smark says "CENA SUCKS" without us
even attempting to watch his shows, then business
will pick up. Especially if he finally ignores the
millions and millions of fans who watch and cheer
Cena on. Deep down, Vince knows he's listening to
the wrong crowd.
But hey, Brian, thinks will
pick up. Japan or ROH or TNA or someone will come
calling. And you'll get a new opportunity to show
the world what you're capable of when someone passes
you the ball. You have the talent, personality, and
experience to work with anyone in any capacity and
that's what we, your truest fans, love the most
about you. We have your back and will support you no
matter what, dude. We've already stated that we're
done watching WWE and supporting their product after
their mistreatment of you, and we...
Wait,
the Rise and Fall of WCW DVD is coming out later
this month?!? Shit, I am SO getting it!
Ummm....guess the protest is going to have to wait,
Brian. Good luck in the meantime!
Spankingly
yours,
M.R.