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by Marx Rayner
Dear Brian Kendrick

I still haven't simmered down upon hearing the news of your release from WWE this past week. I'm sure you're just as bummed out, having spent the majority of the last six years of your career toiling away endlessly and without any semblence of appreciation from the office for all of your hard work. I just think back to all of the bumps you took over the years, all of the times you've sold for less talented opponents, and how you've even put a lot of them over at your own expense. Life just isn't fair.

But fear not, you have support. While the insufferable marks don't mind so long as they have Cena and Hardy and Hunter and Batista to fall back on, you have your own loyal army of Spank-tastic followers who will remain loyal die-hard fans of yours. A good number of us have already pledged to never watch WWE again in light of your release. Of course, we said the same thing when WWE released Gunner Scott. And Joey Mercury. And Marcus Cor Von. And Shannon Moore. And Super Crazy. And Paul London. And Elijah Burke. And Scotty Goldman. And Mr. Kennedy. So basically, the smarks have a shitty track record for sticking to their word when it comes to protesting WWE. But THIS TIME we mean it!

And why wouldn't we? You've provided so many wonderous moments on Vince McMahon's telecasts.

If you need proof of your worth to the company, remember that HILARIOUS battle rap you had with John Cena? Back when Cena was still a heel and allowed to have an interesting persona? You had the Flava Flav clock around your neck and actually got the crowd into it, putting your untested beatbox skills to good use. Now, admittedly, I never actually WATCHED the segment. At that point, I was avoiding Smackdown like the plague because of the Roddy Piper/Vince McMahon/Mr. America angle, so I had to excise watching your material as part of my protest. But if my fellow smarks tell me it was funny, then I'll just take their word for it. My sister Morgan tells me that the segment is on Cena's first DVD and I can watch it anytime I want, but I refuse since to watch it would be an endorsement of WWE's golden child. What if I'm watching it and one of my smark buddies catches me? My image would be ruined! I could never show my face on the forums again! And as a prominent internet writer with legions of followers, I would be letting the world down. Remember how sullen all of Hitler's followers were during his diatribe in "Downfall"? It's like that.

But then you left WWE in 2004 and went back to Japan, where you hit up Zero1 and won the NWA International Lightweight Tag Team Titles with both Low Ki and Kaz Hayashi. Finally, a place where you could be appreciated! Getting to showcase your unique blend of athletic wrestling and in-ring comedy on a stage where the fans crave for such a style. Your run there was just incredible. But it's not like I've seen any of the matches. That guy I know sells Zero1 tapes won't haggle with me, so it's no dough fo sho. But still, you worked with Ki, Hayashi, Ikuto Hidaka, and Minoru Fujita, and they're all great workers! I've never seen Fujita wrestle, but he's on FirePro, so he HAS to be great! All in all, I'm chalking up your Zero1 run as an epic win because, well, it's just an assumption.

If you needed any more proof of your awesomeness, the fact that WWE rehired you in 2005 is just such evidence. And what did they do? They made you and Paul London tag team champs for nearly a year! You guys were on every Smackdown brand PPV as champs, having great matches with MNM, The Pitbulls, the Teacher's Pets, The Hardys, Regal & Taylor, and Deuce and Domino. Come to think of it, why am I bitching about WWE here? They showcased you and Paul as heart-filled underdogs who outsmarted and outmaneuvered bigger opponents en route to remaining champions. They let you demonstrate your innovative high flying tactics and you became sentimental crowd favorites. And in that one calendar year, we got to appreciate you on an American stage as the best tag team in the world at the time. I remember being so happy when you guys won the gold from MNM, dampened only by the fact that you guys pinned the indie guy rather than the Tough Enough jobber, but I was willing to let it slide. If I'd only seen the PPV. Eh well, Scott Keith gave it ***1/4, so I'm sure it was a good match. Come to think of it, I don't think I watched ANY PPVs that you guys defended the belts on. I mean, I love you and Paul, but I'm not going to waste $40 to appreciate great wrestling. Hell, I won't even drop $15 for the DVD at FYE just because my food budget is demanding. Meanwhile, Vince caters to the little kids who ask their parents to spend $40 so that they can watch Cena and Hardy. I don't get that logic at all.

Then eventually, they split the two of you up and made you a heel with personality. And just how fucking awesome was THE~~~!~~~!1~~~~ (can't have too many tildebangs~~!) BRIAN KENDRICK! Got my attention for sure as you got your own bodyguard, a new swank jacket, and the personality of a deluded cult leader. I actually downloaded your "Man with a Plan" theme song and used to dance in my bedroom in one of dad's old Fonzie jackets while blowing kisses the way you do. Until I found out Morgan got it on her camera phone and uploaded it onto youtube under "HAIRY PANCAKE TIT DANCE". She wasn't laughing when I put her copy of The Marine through my paper shredder. And I shaved my chest hair, so TAKE THAT MORGAN IF YOU'RE READING THIS YOU OVERSTUFFED BITCH!

Where was I? Oh, right, THE~! Brian Kendrick. Your push began to taper off once word broke that you had a distinct habit for smoking the Mary Jane. You know, I think it's really unfair. I was digging your work in this time period, squashing jobbers with help from Ezekiel and scheming your way into the World Title scene. But alas, I couldn't watch Smackdown because Triple H was on it. But the written accounts I came across portrayed you in a very positive light, talking about how you always stole the show. I'm sure the fact that smarks wrote these accounts indicates ABSOLUTELY NO BIAS whatsoever. So based on their glowing words for you in comparison to the remainder of the wrestlers they wrote about, it seems as if WWE pretty much fired Jesus Christ last week. And that's what has me all fired up.

Wow, I just realized I've barely seen any of your work. I've just based my undying love for you on anecdotes written by other fans.

This is awkward.

Uhhh....but that doesn't mean you're NOT more worthy of being World Champion than Triple H! You have to remember that we smarks have a great instinct for things! We can make accurate judgments without even having to WATCH the product! If Vince McMahon can get his head out of his ass and realize that when every smark says "CENA SUCKS" without us even attempting to watch his shows, then business will pick up. Especially if he finally ignores the millions and millions of fans who watch and cheer Cena on. Deep down, Vince knows he's listening to the wrong crowd.

But hey, Brian, thinks will pick up. Japan or ROH or TNA or someone will come calling. And you'll get a new opportunity to show the world what you're capable of when someone passes you the ball. You have the talent, personality, and experience to work with anyone in any capacity and that's what we, your truest fans, love the most about you. We have your back and will support you no matter what, dude. We've already stated that we're done watching WWE and supporting their product after their mistreatment of you, and we...

Wait, the Rise and Fall of WCW DVD is coming out later this month?!? Shit, I am SO getting it!

Ummm....guess the protest is going to have to wait, Brian. Good luck in the meantime!

Spankingly yours,

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).