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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
Dear Jenna Morasca,

Let's just sum up your entire wrestling career to this point, shall we? Thus far, you've been brought on on the heels of your "fame" from Survivor, you joined the Main Event Mafia after apparently forming a relationship with Kevin Nash, you were revealed to be the "financial backer" for the MEM when you lured Samoa Joe to the group in his non-sensical heel turn, and then you began a tiff with fellow MEM member Sharmell, leading to a horrid match at Victory Road, which then led to you writing a MySpace blog wherein you tried to defend that piece of shit that barely resembled a match.

To say that I have no respect, love, admiration, or sympathy toward you is a gross understatement. But before I get into why you're the death of the wrestling industry and have no business sharing oxygen with the likes of AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels, lemme just make one thing clear.

As much as I hate you, I have no clue who you are.

You seem fairly green to the wrestling industry, whereas I am a 24 year veteran of sitting on my rapidly-expanding ass and nitpicking the sport. As someone who understands the business more than you, allow me to claw through your expertly-written blog and correct a few things for you.

"Eventually I wanted to blog about my wrestling debut match Sunday."

Probably because you're an attention whore with no actual love for this wonderful, wonderful business, but I'll humor you anyway.

"Before I do that I want to encourage everyone to pick up a copy of this weeks People magazine to read about and see the powerful pictures of Ethan's cancer battle. Also there is a new great funny video of me sticking it to Ethan on
People.com (link in my blog)."

A little research shows that "Ethan" is your boyfriend Ethan Zohn, another former reality show contestant who's suffering from a form of Hodgkin's lymphoma. Why couldn't 411mania edit this part out when they posted your blog? It has nothing to do with wrestling at all! Then again, neither does your elitist ass, but I guess I'll play along for the duration of this diatribe.

"OK onto the wrestling."

Attention TNA, Jenna just created a nifty slogan for you!

"This past Sunday on Victory Road I had my debut match against Sharmell LIVE! I want to thank everyone who has sent me love and props for the match."

Maybe both of those fans reside at the same mental hospital.

"I also know some wrestling lovers were not as excited as I was."

I'm going to erect a sign that reads "DANGER: UNDERSTATEMENTS AHEAD"

"I want to clear up a few things. First, you cannot judge my match against Sharmell like you would a pro such as Kong, Tara, etc. The reason why- I am NOT a wrestler!"

Oh, I can TOO judge your match how I choose. Jim Cornette and Norman Dooley invented the star system for a reason, you twiggy bitch. It's so we can judge matches and force our opinions on others. It's the alpha and the omega of judging! Speaking of judging, -***** for you. If anyone wants to argue, bring it on! I have all day!

"The match was not to debut my wrestling skills it was purely for entertainment, which I think it was. Considering I have never wrestled in my life and only had a few days to practice everything I am really proud of myself."

Practice? PRACTICE! You spoiled whore, you're supposed to call the match in the ring! That's why Ric Flair has had sixteen World Titles and a million hour-long classics with Ricky Steamboat to his credit! HE CALLED THE MATCH IN THE RING! No wonder no smark likes you!

"So you cannot judge and analyze as you would another wrestler. Its apples and oranges in my mind."

Sorry, Jenna. Flair and Steamboat wrecked the curve. Therefore, you're a shitty wrestler.

"Second, for it being my first match EVER and first time ever doing wrestling moves I am freaking proud of myself, I had fun, thought it looked good, and no one got hurt."

Alright, listen. If you're not in severe pain after your match, you clearly didn't work hard enough. Have you ever seen "The Wrestler"? Go watch it. Borrow it from a friend instead of paying for it like I did. Alright, you see how Randy the Ram ached from the bumps he took? See how he puked and had a heart attack after that violent brawl with Necro Butcher? See how he insistently attempted the Ram Jam on the Ayatollah, knowing that he might just suffer a fatal heart attack from the leap and landing? THAT is your prototype. Or if you want a real life example, look at Dynamite Kid. Crippled, bitter, penniless. But he was a great wrestler and we revere him as a living, walking Jesus. Well, minus the walking part. So if you want our respect, break your neck and mutilate your skin for us. The love will soon find you.

"Last I heard some people crying about wrestling should be reserved for "legit" wrestlers and "legit" matches."

You say that like we're just a small group, that we're insignificant to the masses. Hey, those RFVideo shoot interviews don't just buy themselves! Our voice could be the loudest if we just had the motivation to make it heard! And as soon as we can convince Vinnie Mac and Ditzy Dixie to read forums and message boards, we WILL be heard!

"I have to say to that- PILLOW FIGHT MATCH. I have seen matches where literally all the girls were doing was hitting each other with pillows in lingerie. At least I was doing a cross body, splash, etc. Along with some fun campy stuff like my pin and entrance (which I loved)."

Oooh, you can do three moves. It's clear what you see in Kevin Nash, then.

"But I was always told any press is good press and I gues the fact that people are still talking about it, and my entrance is a good thing!"

The only place I see people talking about it is on comment threads on 411mania wrestling, where the results and your very blog were posted. And if you notice, the people on the threads are BEGGING. Begging you to quit TNA, to leave wrestling, to shut your fucking bitch-ass mouth, and fucking die. Why haven't you noticed this? Don't you READ 411? Who doesn't read 411?! Absurd! Ashish is one of the best news posters in the world; a man so significant that he doesn't respond to my e-mails! THAT'S an important man! And for you to act like you're too good to read what the fans have to say about you on message boards when we offer helpful and constructive criticism....well, I guess it makes you an elitist, doesn't it?

"Needless to say I had fun, thought the match looked good, and I am proud of Sharmell and I..."

Yeah, and I thought those two girl scouts would be too scared to tell their parents on me. We're all wrong about some things.

Jenna, I'm going to throw a name at you: Jonathan Coachman. Remember Coach? He was the overly annoying, Carlton Banks-ish commentator in WWE who none of us liked. We used to laugh every time The Rock would embarass him during an interview. Well apparently, WWE thought that the fans malevolence toward him would be a catalyst for a heel turn. Failed to set the world on fire. So we kept booing him and booing him, and they kept him around as a heel. Even after we'd trash him on message boards, they STILL kept him around. And for what? As a foil for the fans to root against that may transfer heat onto a babyface that the fans could get behind? Absurd! FUCKING absurd! And WWE finally got the clue and let Coachman out of his contract. But not before letting him wrestle a few times, oh no! Coachman actually took his skinny ass to the ring and tried to wrestle! Just like you!

And what does he do now? Coach works for ESPNews as an anchorman. That's right. Kicked out of the paradise that is the wrestling business. He couldn't handle the fans booing him for just showing up, couldn't handle getting dropped on his head by Eugene, Tajiri, and The Rock, and CERTAINLY couldn't handle the scrutiny of what some call a "dirty business". So he hides in an air-conditioned studio in Bristol, CT, and probably gets paid six figures to read a teleprompter. Yeah, THAT'S the life! He probably lays in his own bed every night, hating himself for being such a stain in the rasslin' world. No doubt when he pulls into the parking lot of ESPN Studios every day, he weeps, knowing he wasn't good enough to hang with our percocet-sucking heroes.

Jenna, that's what the future may hold for you. So take heed: train for 2 years. Go to Japan and work matches with veterans who will try and break your neck to teach you honor. Come back to the states and work indies in front of 200 people where you MAYBE get paid and a drunk fan tries to fight you. Then when you come back to TNA or maybe WWE hires you, you'll have the support of the smarks behind you. Then, when your neck is numb from the bumps, you have a painkiller problem, and being on the road kills your will to live, you can finally be proud of yourself.

Unless you want to end up like Coachman. And NO ONE wants that.

Survivingly yours,
M.R.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).