Dear Brock Lesnar,
Saturday night, my dad had some of his workplace
buddies over to watch UFC 100, thus making it hard
to concentrate on the three page dissertation I was
writing about how dumb WWE is for jobbing out The
Miz and why they'll probably go bankrupt soon. They
were all loud and yelling, screaming over guys
getting beaten up, and downing beers while doing so.
It's funny; when they do it, it's ok. When *I* drink
an entire six pack of Mountain Dew and flip out over
AJ Styles hitting a Pele kick, everyone in the house
screams at me to keep it down. People are
I had no
interest in watching the PPV because UFC is not
wrestling. In fact, I find UFC fucking boring. And I
was content to just sit in my room and shun the
social gathering, when Morgan came knocking on my
door. She said that you were about to have your
fight and asked me to come watch.Now, my better
instincts should have kicked in. I should have just
said no, tore open a new bag of funyons, and gotten
back to my forum post. But then my mind began to
reel at the possibilities.
Lesnar. One of the most innovative heavyweight
wrestlers of the last 20 years, if not ever. He
brought me so much joy as a fan with his bad ass
appearance, his bad ass stiff hits, his bad ass
stretching submissions, and his bad ass tattoos.
Maybe it won't be so bad!".
ummm....well, where to begin?
criticism I have of UFC was showcased in just the
one match I viewed.
-First of all,
it was just punching and rolling around. No top rope
moves, no smashing the opponent into the cage, no
weapons, no flips, no cool looking reversals, no
specific finishing moves, no working the crowd
during the match, and no intricately booked finish.
So what does that leave us with? Two men grasping
and striking away at each other, in an attempt to
see who's tougher. Well, let me just yawn out of my
no real storyline. Frank Mir beats you once, and now
you want revenge? Oooh, that's original. Why not
have Mir hit on Sable and you get revenge for that?
Why not have you jump Mir after his last fight to
set up heat? The mere fact that there are millions
of people who can get into UFC without this kind of
compelling booking makes me wonder about the mental
health of the common person.
main event wasn't even seven minutes long. Couldn't
you have let Mir beat you for about 3 or 4 minutes
and then you make a 2 minute comeback to at least
stretch it out to maybe 12 minutes? It would have
been so much more exciting than watching you
completely dominate Mir and pound him into oblivion.
And punches as a finisher? Pick him up and hit the
F5! My dad's spending $50 on this!
THAT outing, I turned to my father and his friends
and expected them to be appalled at the waste of
dinero. But they weren't. In fact, they were
excited. They were buzzing about how you were
unstoppable, how they hoped UFC would sign some guy
called Faydoor or something to fight you, etc. They
were EXCITED for that kind of primitive, arcane
bullshit! I sat there making the same face I made
when I discovered that a lot of my friends gave up
watching wrestling so they could go out bowling and
shooting pool at night. It's just incomprehensible
to me that people don't see my point of view. The
awkwardness was exacerbated when Morgan dreamily
said she wanted to oil Georges St. Pierre's body and
give him a tongue massage, which quieted dad and his
buddies down. The silence gave me an opening to
speak my observant mind.
I told the UFC
fans how wrong they were for enjoying the PPV, about
how dumb they must be if they think they just
witnessed a great product. I said if they wanted to
see something AMAZING, they'd watch one of my Ring
of Honor DVDs. They scoffed at that "fake wrestling
shit", but I was insistent. I put in ROH Rising
Above and showed them Nigel McGuinness vs. Bryan
Danielson. About 10 minutes in, I was so frustrated
and upset with their laughter and catcalls of
"FAKE!" and "This is stupid!" that I popped the DVD
out and stormed up to my room.
Morgan came to
check on me, but I wasn't in the mood to talk. She
tried to explain that different people like
different things and how some people, like herself,
enjoy variety, whereas not everyone is going to have
my love for professional wrestling and absolute
zealotry for the inner workings and inside news of
the business. She went on to say some people enjoy
real life fights, and others enjoy well
choreographed showcases, and that some enjoy
everything and can differentiate.
Do I even need
to tell you I threw my Chris Jericho autobiography
at her head?
As Morgan ran
off holding her eye, I went back online to check on
some wrestling news and clear my brain. So I go to
411mania....AND THEY'RE HYPING THE RESULTS OF YOUR
FIGHT! It's not wrestling! So why do I care? I
believe that once you're out of the wrestling
industry, you should never be mentioned on 411
again. Rock's doing a new movie? Fuck em! Trish is
getting a reality show? Fuck her! Dawn Marie
organizes a charity event to help crippled wrestlers
get the benefits and care they need? Unless she's
blowing me or booking guys from DragonGate, TELL HER
TO FUCK OFF! I don't need to be looking up
potentially important wrestling news and have to be
bombarded with news of someone's non-wrestling
endeavours. I'm a caring guy, but I think that's a
little much, don't you?
So I suppose
you're wondering why I'm writing to you today.
I'm asking you
to give up Ultimate Fighting and return to WWE.
Look, I know you're having fun in this form of "real
combat" and you want to put your WWE past behind
you, but this is necessary. The WWE really needs a
shot in the arm what with all the generic heels and
faces that clog the main event scene. Guys like HHH,
Orton, Cena, and such are so bland and boring. We
need a guy who does dangerous shit without insurance
to shake things up. We need that attitude, 250 days
a year, 10 minutes+ every night, to rejuvenate the
business that caters to unappreciative fans.
UFC fans, they don't like you. They booed when you
killed Mir on Saturday! When have wrestling fans
ever dumped on you like that? Okay, yeah, we laughed
at you for having a high voice and doing those
pseudo-gay buddy skits with Angle and for having the
bad match with Goldberg and for leaving to play
football and for getting cut by the Vikings and for
the idea of you going to the UFC and getting
embarassed and the fact that you lost your first UFC
fight by submission....I mean, when you get past all
that, we've been VERY good to you. And we can be
So what you
need to do is call Dana White, organize a press
conference, and then vacate the title. Then you need
to call Vince up, tell em you want back in, and
he'll take you on because you have mainstream
recognition. Then you need to get a twitter or a
blog where you denounce UFC as one-dimensional and
decrease the public interest in it, warming people
up into watching wrestling more, and then start
having great matches again to break WWE's system of
socialistic normalcy, thus encouraging the wrestlers
to vary their styles and make the product exciting.
As long as you have no problems working house shows,
dealing with the smarks' always-valid criticisms,
putting up with character-building storylines, and
taking insane risks in main event matches to hold
our interest, then there should be no problems.
Wrestling with flourish again because of you.
I won't be
watching, of course, because I don't watch WWE. I
just figure if you come back, any story on 411mania
involving you will be on topic, and thus I won't be
happiness is important.