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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
Dear Brock Lesnar,
 
This past Saturday night, my dad had some of his workplace buddies over to watch UFC 100, thus making it hard to concentrate on the three page dissertation I was writing about how dumb WWE is for jobbing out The Miz and why they'll probably go bankrupt soon. They were all loud and yelling, screaming over guys getting beaten up, and downing beers while doing so. It's funny; when they do it, it's ok. When *I* drink an entire six pack of Mountain Dew and flip out over AJ Styles hitting a Pele kick, everyone in the house screams at me to keep it down. People are hypocrites.
 
I had no interest in watching the PPV because UFC is not wrestling. In fact, I find UFC fucking boring. And I was content to just sit in my room and shun the social gathering, when Morgan came knocking on my door. She said that you were about to have your fight and asked me to come watch.Now, my better instincts should have kicked in. I should have just said no, tore open a new bag of funyons, and gotten back to my forum post. But then my mind began to reel at the possibilities.
 
"It's Brock Lesnar. One of the most innovative heavyweight wrestlers of the last 20 years, if not ever. He brought me so much joy as a fan with his bad ass appearance, his bad ass stiff hits, his bad ass stretching submissions, and his bad ass tattoos. Maybe it won't be so bad!".
 
And ummm....well, where to begin?
 
Every criticism I have of UFC was showcased in just the one match I viewed.
 
-First of all, it was just punching and rolling around. No top rope moves, no smashing the opponent into the cage, no weapons, no flips, no cool looking reversals, no specific finishing moves, no working the crowd during the match, and no intricately booked finish. So what does that leave us with? Two men grasping and striking away at each other, in an attempt to see who's tougher. Well, let me just yawn out of my asshole here.
 
-Then, there's no real storyline. Frank Mir beats you once, and now you want revenge? Oooh, that's original. Why not have Mir hit on Sable and you get revenge for that? Why not have you jump Mir after his last fight to set up heat? The mere fact that there are millions of people who can get into UFC without this kind of compelling booking makes me wonder about the mental health of the common person.
 
-Finally, the main event wasn't even seven minutes long. Couldn't you have let Mir beat you for about 3 or 4 minutes and then you make a 2 minute comeback to at least stretch it out to maybe 12 minutes? It would have been so much more exciting than watching you completely dominate Mir and pound him into oblivion. And punches as a finisher? Pick him up and hit the F5! My dad's spending $50 on this!
 
Well, after THAT outing, I turned to my father and his friends and expected them to be appalled at the waste of dinero. But they weren't. In fact, they were excited. They were buzzing about how you were unstoppable, how they hoped UFC would sign some guy called Faydoor or something to fight you, etc. They were EXCITED for that kind of primitive, arcane bullshit! I sat there making the same face I made when I discovered that a lot of my friends gave up watching wrestling so they could go out bowling and shooting pool at night. It's just incomprehensible to me that people don't see my point of view. The awkwardness was exacerbated when Morgan dreamily said she wanted to oil Georges St. Pierre's body and give him a tongue massage, which quieted dad and his buddies down. The silence gave me an opening to speak my observant mind.
 
I told the UFC fans how wrong they were for enjoying the PPV, about how dumb they must be if they think they just witnessed a great product. I said if they wanted to see something AMAZING, they'd watch one of my Ring of Honor DVDs. They scoffed at that "fake wrestling shit", but I was insistent. I put in ROH Rising Above and showed them Nigel McGuinness vs. Bryan Danielson. About 10 minutes in, I was so frustrated and upset with their laughter and catcalls of "FAKE!" and "This is stupid!" that I popped the DVD out and stormed up to my room.
 
Morgan came to check on me, but I wasn't in the mood to talk. She tried to explain that different people like different things and how some people, like herself, enjoy variety, whereas not everyone is going to have my love for professional wrestling and absolute zealotry for the inner workings and inside news of the business. She went on to say some people enjoy real life fights, and others enjoy well choreographed showcases, and that some enjoy everything and can differentiate.
 
Do I even need to tell you I threw my Chris Jericho autobiography at her head?
 
As Morgan ran off holding her eye, I went back online to check on some wrestling news and clear my brain. So I go to 411mania....AND THEY'RE HYPING THE RESULTS OF YOUR FIGHT! It's not wrestling! So why do I care? I believe that once you're out of the wrestling industry, you should never be mentioned on 411 again. Rock's doing a new movie? Fuck em! Trish is getting a reality show? Fuck her! Dawn Marie organizes a charity event to help crippled wrestlers get the benefits and care they need? Unless she's blowing me or booking guys from DragonGate, TELL HER TO FUCK OFF! I don't need to be looking up potentially important wrestling news and have to be bombarded with news of someone's non-wrestling endeavours. I'm a caring guy, but I think that's a little much, don't you?
 
So I suppose you're wondering why I'm writing to you today.
 
I'm asking you to give up Ultimate Fighting and return to WWE. Look, I know you're having fun in this form of "real combat" and you want to put your WWE past behind you, but this is necessary. The WWE really needs a shot in the arm what with all the generic heels and faces that clog the main event scene. Guys like HHH, Orton, Cena, and such are so bland and boring. We need a guy who does dangerous shit without insurance to shake things up. We need that attitude, 250 days a year, 10 minutes+ every night, to rejuvenate the business that caters to unappreciative fans.
 
Besides, the UFC fans, they don't like you. They booed when you killed Mir on Saturday! When have wrestling fans ever dumped on you like that? Okay, yeah, we laughed at you for having a high voice and doing those pseudo-gay buddy skits with Angle and for having the bad match with Goldberg and for leaving to play football and for getting cut by the Vikings and for the idea of you going to the UFC and getting embarassed and the fact that you lost your first UFC fight by submission....I mean, when you get past all that, we've been VERY good to you. And we can be again.
 
So what you need to do is call Dana White, organize a press conference, and then vacate the title. Then you need to call Vince up, tell em you want back in, and he'll take you on because you have mainstream recognition. Then you need to get a twitter or a blog where you denounce UFC as one-dimensional and decrease the public interest in it, warming people up into watching wrestling more, and then start having great matches again to break WWE's system of socialistic normalcy, thus encouraging the wrestlers to vary their styles and make the product exciting. As long as you have no problems working house shows, dealing with the smarks' always-valid criticisms, putting up with character-building storylines, and taking insane risks in main event matches to hold our interest, then there should be no problems. Wrestling with flourish again because of you.
 
I won't be watching, of course, because I don't watch WWE. I just figure if you come back, any story on 411mania involving you will be on topic, and thus I won't be so unhappy.
 
And my happiness is important.
 
Ultimately yours,
M.R.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).