Dear ECW Creative,
What. The Fuck.
I'm referring of course to the June
30, 2009 edition of ECW on Sci-Fi. I mean, I'm never
going to give ECW the benefit of the doubt since
it's not the original ECW. It may be the brand where
Evan Bourne, Jack Swagger, CM Punk, Tyson Kidd, and
Kofi Kingston made their WWE debuts, and it may also
be the brand where John Morrison and The Miz
supercharged their personas and catapulted them to
stardom, but guess what? IT'S NOT THE ORIGINAL ECW!
Would I take a jobber match between Danny Doring and
Chris Chetti over Christian and Swagger going 20
minutes? Yes! Would I take Donn E. Allen getting
squashed in 10 seconds by 911 over CM Punk beating
John Morrison for the ECW Title? Of course! It's a
code of honor, guys. The original ECW could fund Al
Qaida and the current ECW could staple my stomach
and I'd still have to root for the former. It's just
what smarks do.
But back to the subject at
Last night, my sister Morgan broke my
X-Box 360 trying to imitate Kelly Kelly's cartwheel
corner move and she fell on her big fat ass. She
laughed and said that her big boobs knocked her off
balance and caused her to fall. She's just jealous
because even though she's a 40DD, my man boobs STILL
put her to shame. (And I only know that because last
summer, all my wifebeaters were in the wash and I
had to borrow one of her bras for support. Support
my ass. That thing chafed me all to hell).
But anyway, with me unable to play Gears of War, mom
said I could either watch TV with Morgan or begin my
summer veggie diet. So TV it was. I plopped down on
my concaved beanbag chair and she on her homemade
Jeff Hardy seat cushion ("I'M SITTING ON JEFF'S
FACE!" she gleefully exclaims). As ECW came on, I
rolled my eyes and said "ECW sucks!", to which she
tried talking about how it's a good
mini-developmental system for future stars like
Swagger, Bourne, Punk et al. I just threw my
retainer at her. She doesn't know what she's talking
about. Stupid women.
Speaking of which, the
first problem is...why is a woman the GM? Some big
titted blonde is in charge? Yeah, like I'd listen to
her. I'm sorry, but the social order goes "Man
works, woman cooks. Or, in wrestling, "man wrestles,
woman shakes her tits at ringside". It's not hard to
figure out. I most certainly would not take orders
from some bitch, ok? Especially if she was
attractive, because that would make me the
submissive! I walked out of Kinkos for a week when
the new manager was 24, had a nice ass, and ravenish
hair. Not taking orders. Nope. But then I realized
the platters at Moe's Southwest Grill don't pay for
themselves. So now I work under protest!
next problem is Shelton Benjamin getting beaten with
one move. What the fuck is this? You debut Naofumi
Yamamoto (I REFUSE to call him Yoshi Tatsu. His New
Japan Pro Wrestling name will suffice, thank you)
against him and have Shelton win the crowd over with
humor for 2 minutes before jobbing him to one move!?
What good is that going to do? You should never,
EVER bury a wrestler to one move in two minutes.
NEVER. Unless it's someone I don't like, THAT I can
let slide. But Shelton Benjamin? A guy so talented
that I didn't cheer him much during his babyface run
and led to his de-push? I mean, if Benjamin loses,
at least make it a 35 minute match of suplexes and
flips to make me happy! Forget the rest of the
talent on the show, they can get bumped off!
Workrate's the most important thing, after all. What
do you think drew the fans for Wrestlemania III,
Savage-Steamboat or fuckin' Hogan-Andre? Exactly!
Morgan laughed at the silliness of it. I would've
chucked my retainer at her, but it was already on
the other side of the room.
Then you do some
stupid interview segment with this guy Abraham
Washington, interviewing the Bella Twins. This just
draaaaagged. Foreeeeeever. I pretended to fall
asleep, but was really just squinting in case one of
the Bellas fell out of her dress or something. But
it was soooooo boooooooring. Why are you wasting
your time on developing characters, guys? Why are
you giving these new people opportunities? It's so
counterproductive! I mean, misfires happen.
Sometimes Punk's Go-to-Sleep hits the guy in the
hairline and not the temple. I can forgive that. But
if people like me don't waste our lives nitpicking
the misfires, then things will never be perfect.
Even Morgan agreed it was boring, but said at least
they're trying something new, which is what us
smarks wish for. Again, no retainer to throw. Fuck
Then we segue to Sheamus, some big
hoss with no tan. I shook my head and said "When is
275 and pasty white ever acceptable?" and Morgan
pointed out I pulled it off fairly well when I was
13. I ignored her jab and watched Sheamus squash
former UPW star Oliver John, who could be great if
you guys knew what you were doing. Instead, you push
a big guy with a distinct look. You've done this
4,000 times and I never learn, it seems. I just
folded my arms, muttering "Typical WWE". Then
Sheamus hit that uranage backbreaker and jumped out
of my beanbag chair. Morgan laughed and said "Maybe
you DO think he's cool!". I would've hit her, but I
strained my back muscles jumping up. If I could sue
you people for making me look stupid by going back
on my ideals, believe me, I would.
introduce Tyler Reks, apparently some surfer guy.
Morgan thinks he's cute. Yeah, like Vince will push
someone based on their appeal to women. He's going
to face Zack Ryder on Superstars? Yeah, like I care.
Look, I know us smarks said we wanted to see new
stars, fresh faces, fresh angles, and an overall new
approach to the wrestlers. And you guys are trying
to give us that. It's high time I tell you the
We're never happy. We feed off misery
and self-loathe. It's like this twisted game we play
where we all try to imitate Raven in real life,
brooding for attention and disgust from others,
often failing because we never leave the house, thus
making it easy for us to ignore. But with the advent
of message boards and forums, we can annoy people
with our angst. So as long as WWE does ANYTHING,
we're going to bitch about it. Because some Jeff
Hardy fan or John Cena fan will get upset, and it
gives us a warm glow. I learned a long time ago that
you can masturbate to Anime 20 times in a row and it
will lose it's appeal. But if you mix in the concept
of upsetting happy-go-lucky wrestling fans with your
venom, it buffers well. Feels like we accomplished
two good things every day.
Oh, and Dreamer
and Christian lost to Kozlov and Regal. Decent
match, disguised Kozlov's weaknesses well, blah
blah, look, I'm not here to be positive, alright?
Morgan enjoyed the show. I spat at her.
you're supposed to write a show that appeals to the
masses. You guys turn a profit and are reknowned
worldwide as the standard in pro wrestling and I
fail to see why. I didn't spend thousands of dollars
on tapes and ECW t-shirts to watch my childhood get
replaced by something that makes more people happy.
And it is my mission, I believe, to re-educate every
WWE fan about what they're SUPPOSED to enjoy. Yes, I
realize the irony of us smarks saying that Vince
tries to force his visions onto us and then me
attempting to do the same thing to counter. Look,
just deal with it. I'm so pissed at last night's
show and I'm not going to write it off as an hour
wasted, ok? I'm mad. And I'm not going to stop until
I right the wrongs of this business. Even if it
means binding Morgan Clockwork Orange-style and
making her watch old RFVideo fancams of ECW! Nothing
is going to stop me from making wrestling fun for
smarks at the expense of profits again!
Unless WWE releases a DVD of classic wrestling that
I like. Then I'll stop bitching for 2 weeks and
forget what I was mad about.