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by Marx Rayner
Dear ECW Creative,

What. The Fuck. Was That?

I'm referring of course to the June 30, 2009 edition of ECW on Sci-Fi. I mean, I'm never going to give ECW the benefit of the doubt since it's not the original ECW. It may be the brand where Evan Bourne, Jack Swagger, CM Punk, Tyson Kidd, and Kofi Kingston made their WWE debuts, and it may also be the brand where John Morrison and The Miz supercharged their personas and catapulted them to stardom, but guess what? IT'S NOT THE ORIGINAL ECW! Would I take a jobber match between Danny Doring and Chris Chetti over Christian and Swagger going 20 minutes? Yes! Would I take Donn E. Allen getting squashed in 10 seconds by 911 over CM Punk beating John Morrison for the ECW Title? Of course! It's a code of honor, guys. The original ECW could fund Al Qaida and the current ECW could staple my stomach and I'd still have to root for the former. It's just what smarks do.

But back to the subject at hand.

Last night, my sister Morgan broke my X-Box 360 trying to imitate Kelly Kelly's cartwheel corner move and she fell on her big fat ass. She laughed and said that her big boobs knocked her off balance and caused her to fall. She's just jealous because even though she's a 40DD, my man boobs STILL put her to shame. (And I only know that because last summer, all my wifebeaters were in the wash and I had to borrow one of her bras for support. Support my ass. That thing chafed me all to hell).

But anyway, with me unable to play Gears of War, mom said I could either watch TV with Morgan or begin my summer veggie diet. So TV it was. I plopped down on my concaved beanbag chair and she on her homemade Jeff Hardy seat cushion ("I'M SITTING ON JEFF'S FACE!" she gleefully exclaims). As ECW came on, I rolled my eyes and said "ECW sucks!", to which she tried talking about how it's a good mini-developmental system for future stars like Swagger, Bourne, Punk et al. I just threw my retainer at her. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Stupid women.

Speaking of which, the first problem is...why is a woman the GM? Some big titted blonde is in charge? Yeah, like I'd listen to her. I'm sorry, but the social order goes "Man works, woman cooks. Or, in wrestling, "man wrestles, woman shakes her tits at ringside". It's not hard to figure out. I most certainly would not take orders from some bitch, ok? Especially if she was attractive, because that would make me the submissive! I walked out of Kinkos for a week when the new manager was 24, had a nice ass, and ravenish hair. Not taking orders. Nope. But then I realized the platters at Moe's Southwest Grill don't pay for themselves. So now I work under protest!

The next problem is Shelton Benjamin getting beaten with one move. What the fuck is this? You debut Naofumi Yamamoto (I REFUSE to call him Yoshi Tatsu. His New Japan Pro Wrestling name will suffice, thank you) against him and have Shelton win the crowd over with humor for 2 minutes before jobbing him to one move!? What good is that going to do? You should never, EVER bury a wrestler to one move in two minutes. NEVER. Unless it's someone I don't like, THAT I can let slide. But Shelton Benjamin? A guy so talented that I didn't cheer him much during his babyface run and led to his de-push? I mean, if Benjamin loses, at least make it a 35 minute match of suplexes and flips to make me happy! Forget the rest of the talent on the show, they can get bumped off! Workrate's the most important thing, after all. What do you think drew the fans for Wrestlemania III, Savage-Steamboat or fuckin' Hogan-Andre? Exactly! Morgan laughed at the silliness of it. I would've chucked my retainer at her, but it was already on the other side of the room.

Then you do some stupid interview segment with this guy Abraham Washington, interviewing the Bella Twins. This just draaaaagged. Foreeeeeever. I pretended to fall asleep, but was really just squinting in case one of the Bellas fell out of her dress or something. But it was soooooo boooooooring. Why are you wasting your time on developing characters, guys? Why are you giving these new people opportunities? It's so counterproductive! I mean, misfires happen. Sometimes Punk's Go-to-Sleep hits the guy in the hairline and not the temple. I can forgive that. But if people like me don't waste our lives nitpicking the misfires, then things will never be perfect. Even Morgan agreed it was boring, but said at least they're trying something new, which is what us smarks wish for. Again, no retainer to throw. Fuck my life.

Then we segue to Sheamus, some big hoss with no tan. I shook my head and said "When is 275 and pasty white ever acceptable?" and Morgan pointed out I pulled it off fairly well when I was 13. I ignored her jab and watched Sheamus squash former UPW star Oliver John, who could be great if you guys knew what you were doing. Instead, you push a big guy with a distinct look. You've done this 4,000 times and I never learn, it seems. I just folded my arms, muttering "Typical WWE". Then Sheamus hit that uranage backbreaker and jumped out of my beanbag chair. Morgan laughed and said "Maybe you DO think he's cool!". I would've hit her, but I strained my back muscles jumping up. If I could sue you people for making me look stupid by going back on my ideals, believe me, I would.

Then you introduce Tyler Reks, apparently some surfer guy. Morgan thinks he's cute. Yeah, like Vince will push someone based on their appeal to women. He's going to face Zack Ryder on Superstars? Yeah, like I care. Look, I know us smarks said we wanted to see new stars, fresh faces, fresh angles, and an overall new approach to the wrestlers. And you guys are trying to give us that. It's high time I tell you the truth.

We're never happy. We feed off misery and self-loathe. It's like this twisted game we play where we all try to imitate Raven in real life, brooding for attention and disgust from others, often failing because we never leave the house, thus making it easy for us to ignore. But with the advent of message boards and forums, we can annoy people with our angst. So as long as WWE does ANYTHING, we're going to bitch about it. Because some Jeff Hardy fan or John Cena fan will get upset, and it gives us a warm glow. I learned a long time ago that you can masturbate to Anime 20 times in a row and it will lose it's appeal. But if you mix in the concept of upsetting happy-go-lucky wrestling fans with your venom, it buffers well. Feels like we accomplished two good things every day.

Oh, and Dreamer and Christian lost to Kozlov and Regal. Decent match, disguised Kozlov's weaknesses well, blah blah, look, I'm not here to be positive, alright? Morgan enjoyed the show. I spat at her.

Look, you're supposed to write a show that appeals to the masses. You guys turn a profit and are reknowned worldwide as the standard in pro wrestling and I fail to see why. I didn't spend thousands of dollars on tapes and ECW t-shirts to watch my childhood get replaced by something that makes more people happy. And it is my mission, I believe, to re-educate every WWE fan about what they're SUPPOSED to enjoy. Yes, I realize the irony of us smarks saying that Vince tries to force his visions onto us and then me attempting to do the same thing to counter. Look, just deal with it. I'm so pissed at last night's show and I'm not going to write it off as an hour wasted, ok? I'm mad. And I'm not going to stop until I right the wrongs of this business. Even if it means binding Morgan Clockwork Orange-style and making her watch old RFVideo fancams of ECW! Nothing is going to stop me from making wrestling fun for smarks at the expense of profits again!

Unless WWE releases a DVD of classic wrestling that I like. Then I'll stop bitching for 2 weeks and forget what I was mad about.

Creatively yours,

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).