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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
Dear Vince McMahon,

Allow me to be among the many who are getting in line to criticize your senile ass over your completely screwing up your biggest event, Wrestlemania. Your little $55 money pit would have me more steamed if I'd bought the show instead of downloading the torrent, but regardless I was still displeased with the offering.

A four hour show that's supposed to be the annual time capsule for McMahonland, that's what Wrestlemania is. At least, that's what you'd have us fans believe when you peddle your brand of 'sports entertainment' upon us. The braying marks who willfully fork over their money just because they want to watch something they enjoy, they may not see through the facade. But I do. I've been pointing out all the continuity errors and bad booking decisions on countless message boards and internet forums for years, and now it's time I call you out on them.

So, let's look back at Wrestlemania 25, shall we?

First of all, you booked and hyped a Tag Team Title Unification match with Carlito and Primo taking on John Morrison and The Miz. This was good, because all four of them work hard. But then you take it off the show for time constraints? What the hell is that? You leave the divas' battle royal in but take this off? You think the fans would rather see twenty-five pairs of tits bouncing around rather than four fit males sweating their way through a well worked contest? Absurd! And yes, I know the match is going to be on the commemorative DVD, but I can't download dark matches in a torrent! I can't steal this match until mid-May at the earliest! Double-you-tee-eff, Vince?!

But there was a silver lining to start the actual broadcast, in that the Money in the Bank match was first to air. Christian, MVP, Shelton Benjamin, CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Finlay, this is going to be great! Yeah, until Kane and Mark Henry mucked things up by hossing it around. Two lumbering fucks were a pair of turds in what should have been a punch bowl of intricate spots. So Christian muffs a Killswitch on Punk and Shelton blows a rolling powerbomb on MVP. If Kane and Henry hadn't set such an awful pace, these fine athletes would have hit their moves. Instead of a phenomenal jumpstart for the card, it's merely a "well performed match" thanks to Kane and Henry's aura of mediocrity.

Then there was the afforementioned divas battle royal. 25 women (well, 23 women, Santino in drag, and whatever Michelle McCool is supposed to be) doing ill-coordinated spots is not a fun way to spend six minutes. I have totes and totes of women's prison porno flicks that were better executed than this match. But what chaps my ass is that they didn't even get proper ring intros. How am I supposed to insult them vociferously in my rant if I can't even call them out by name? It's like you don't WANT me to be happy! And then you have a man win the match? Yeah, way to make me care about the women. No wonder I bitch about them so much.

Now, this next thought may be hard for you to understand, Vince, so pay attention. Rowdy Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka? They're old. They're REALLY old. Like, grandfather-old. So why should I believe they're going to stand a chance against Chris Jericho? One's 55, the other's 65. Those are fucking SPEED LIMITS, Vince! Jericho is in tremendous shape after having worked hard to bulk up over the course of his 19 year career, and the thought of Piper or Snuka even being able to lay a welt on his chiseled chest or muscular thighs is laughable! Thankfully, 56 year old Ricky Steamboat was there to save the day with his famed high spots. If anyone can go hold for hold with my role model Jericho, it's this long-retired hall of famer. And the masses agree that Steamboat's slow-paced, well-set-up high spots were believable against a man who was World Champion just four months ago. So Piper and Snuka can stay retired because....er, sorry, I tend to ramble and get confused when I discuss Jericho and Steamboat in the same paragraph. It's like lust-induced brain freeze or something.

I'm going to give this next thought as much time as you gave Rey Mysterio to work. The optimist would say that JBL wrestling for 21 seconds is a god-send. But I'm part of the IWC. Optimism is locked in a lock box with my appetite suppressants. And I traded the key for Ring of Honor tickets.

I'll try not to bitch too much about Matt Hardy/Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels/Undertaker, because they had plenty of time to work and men of their caliber generally deliver, which they did. Yet, I found faults. For the match between the Hardyz, it's Extreme Rules, right? Soooo, where's the blood? I mean, Matt cost Jeff his only world title! Shouldn't Jeff be trying to massacre him with barbed wire? My brother took my last nutty buddy and I nearly decapitated him with my replica kendo stick! Blood was needed for this match. It's Wrestlemania, they should be clinging to life over my $55 investment! As for Undertaker/Michaels, yeah, it was a great match, but Taker nearly broke his fucking neck on that dive spot! Is that what you want, Vince? Wrestlers nearly dying just to justify their spot on the card? Chris Benoit had his brain liquified and you merely edited him out. How many buckets of blood would you want gushing out of Taker's head just to make the show "better"? C'Mon, McMahon, have some compassion for the wrestlers! They're your employees!

As for the World Title matches? Let's start with the triple threat, shall we? So you have two competent workers in Edge and John Cena and a vet like Big Show who, while worthless and sucky, is big. So you have to use em, right? And you weigh this match down with a pointless love-quartet angle involving Vickie Guerrero. We don't want Vickie involved, Vince. We boo her because we don't want her around! She's not a GOOD heel like her late husband who we cheered because he was cool! The hallmark of any great heel is when we cheer him to be rebellious, not when we boo them out of anger! So you weigh them down with this soap opera crap and it muddles the story of the match. Nice going. Fuck the soap opera crap. Fuck it until it's humble like Brian Blair.

Then the other world title match with Triple H and Randy Orton. What the hell, a straight up 22 minute wrestling match? For a story that involves the entire McMahon family plus Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase? You leave ALL of them out just to give us a one on one fight for in-ring supremacy? Are you fucking nuts?! Where's the screwjobs and run-ins? You spent 2 months building this up as an all out faction war and then you pull the wool over our eyes with a straight up wrestling match? The show was limping along as it was, and then this just shot it in the hind legs to drop it to the ground. I was getting excited for the run-ins and soap opera and drama that never came. Thankfully I didn't have to watch Hunter's posing celebration because the torrent file went corrupt after the pinfall. Way to make me feel justified about this purchase, Vinnie Mac.

So in conclusion, your attempt at Wrestlemania this year was a bomb and a half. And you wonder why us 'smarks' seek out what the Japanese love, and that's hard-hitting puroresu. I'm sure the buyrates will be good because of the strong international market such as the one in Japan who seems to love the WWE product, but make no mistake. You're bottoming out here in the states. And it's only a matter of time before my scratch-off ticket investment pays off and I donate my winnings to Cary Silkin. And when Ring of Honor drops you to your knees with a stiff series of chops, you're going to wish you listened to the small minority of fans that doesn't spend a cent on your product out of spite.

Spiteful regards,
M.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).