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WWE CARES.

 

The WWE is very well known for their charity work.  We know this because they announce it every single chance they get, just like the Bible says to do.  Whether giving a "last" "wish" to a dying kid, or going to Iraq to make the troops realize that maybe their problems aren't all that bad, they're there!

 

But much like their TV shows, not everything always goes as planned.  Anything can happen, so they say!  And I, Matthew Folger, have uncovered some of the bizarre goings-on in the WWE's charitable giving.  How did I do that, you ask?  First of all, who the hell are you to question me?  Second of all, it's really a funny story.

 

You see the WWE hired a young woman by the name of Debbie Marzdin to be, what they call, an "on the spot stenographer".  In case those pesky Washington fat cats or those pesky media fat cats decide to go on another pro wre...oops, I mean sports entertainment kick, Vince wants everything on record, presumably so he doesn't have to show up (ZING!).

 

After I slept with her (it's my column, I'll write what I want) I stole the pages upon pages of transcripts and am passing them along to you!  Good enough set up for my jokes?  Yes?  On we go!

 

St. Jude Medical Center - Nov 8th, 2007

 

NURSE

Billy?  Billy wake up!

 

BILLY

God?

 

NURSE

No, Billy, it's Nurse Gotzon.

 

BILLY

Oh...damn. *cough*

 

NURSE

Billy, the Make a Wish people have sent over a couple of people to raise your spirits!

 

BILLY

*cough* John Cena is here!

 

NURSE

Well...no, uh not John Cena.  But they're just as good.  Send them in.

 

(In walks the surprise)

 

RORY

I'm Rory McCallister!  This here's my cousin, Robbie!

 

ROBBIE

I'M ROBBIE!

 

RORY

We're The Highlanders!

 

BILLY

*cough* Who?

 

RORY

The Highlanders.  We work for the WWE!

 

BILLY

Is this "Punk'd"?

 

RORY

Nah, nah, we're here to raise your spirits, my cousin and I are!

 

ROBBIE

I'M ROBBIE!

 

BILLY

How come I *cough* don't remember you guys?

 

RORY

Because you're very very sick, mah'boy! 

 

(The Highlanders stand awkwardly for a minute)

 

BILLY

Well? *cough*

 

RORY

Well what?

 

BILLY

Aren't you going to do anything?

 

RORY

Oh, we weren't given instructions past the intro.

 

ROBBIE

I'M ROBBIE!

 

BILLY

*cough* I get it.

 

RORY

So....what'cha have then?

 

BILLY

Cancer.

 

RORY

Aye!  You should get some Haggis...because we're Scottish, y'see?

 

BILLY

Yeah *cough* I figured.

 

NURSE

Well, your visitors have to go now!  Anything you'd like to leave little Billy with?

 

RORY

Um...I got some Chain Gang wrist bands in my car's ashtray!

 

BILLY

Just go. *cough*

 

Tragic, I know.  But not nearly as shocking as our next transcript.

 

Madison Square Garden - October 11th, 2007

 

(We sat in an empty MSG as young Kyle Mabus was brought in by WWE officials to meet a surprise superstar.  Kyle sat next to me eagerly anticipating the arrival of his special surprise.  The lights suddenly dimmed in the arena as a loud GONG was heard.  Fire began to appear from the stage, as lightning strikes and funeral music were heard.  The shadowy figure then walked out from the shadows very slowly, surrounded by smoke.  The music continued as the figure made his way towards Kyle with his arm outstretched towards him.  The man then removed his robe and his hat as the lights came back on.  We then discovered that Kyle had promptly shit his pants and died.)

 

Un-be-leivable!  As is our next incident!

 

Himachal Pradesh Hospital, India - September 13th, 2005

 

NURSE

Dalip, Vince McMahon is here to see you.

 

(Vince walks in)

 

VINCE

Well, hello there, Dalip!  That's a cooky name, huh? 

 

DALIP

Oogafa nih rashda pugras!

 

VINCE

And a cooky language too, ha ha!  Well son, what seems to be the trouble?

 

DALIP

Aprava neah stenosal shintor!

 

VINCE

What?

 

NURSE

Dalip says he is suffering from heightened liver enzymes!

 

VINCE

Ooh, I see.  Well not to worry, Dalip, the WWE is here to make your wish come true!  Tell me, what do you want more than anything else in the world?

 

DALIP

Yugaka pushahna tiskram!

 

NURSE

He says he wants to be a WWE wrestler!

 

VINCE

Oh.  Uh....sure, why not?  Hell, we could use another big fella like you on the roster!

 

DALIP

Hooblins riad kafkade!

 

NURSE

Dalip says this will make his giant uncle Gonzalez very happy!

 

VINCE

...

 

I have to collect on that bet!  But first, here now, is the worst of them all!

 

Lincoln Communal Hospital - February 26th, 2008

 

NURSE

Timmy?  Timmy I have great news for you!

 

TIMMY

I can go home?

 

NURSE

Of course not, dear!  No, the WWE is here!

 

TIMMY

Really?  Who?

 

NURSE

All of them, Timmy!  Come on in!

 

(The entire WWE roster squeezes into Timmy's room.)

 

VAL VENIS

Helloooo, Timmy!

 

TIMMY

Oh my god, it's Al Snow!

 

(Val walks away sad)

 

VINCE

Timmy, it's good to see you! 

 

TIMMY

WOW!  All the WWE wrestlers...

 

VINCE

Supertars!

 

TIMMY

O-kay.  Wow!

 

VINCE

Timmy, we're here to give you a very special gift.

 

TIMMY

Ten minutes alone with Mickie James?

 

VINCE

Of course not!  No, we're here to give you, the FULL WWE experience!

 

TIMMY

WOW!

 

VINCE

Yup, now we have a busy day ahead.  First, you'll recieve your daily sponge bath from JBL!

 

JBL

Get ready to pay your dues, boy!

 

TIMMY

W-what?

 

VINCE

Then it's off to OVW to learn how to take bumps!

 

TIMMY

What's a bump?

 

TAZZ

Da ting dey found in your small intestine, ahahaahahaha!

 

VINCE

Then your gonna work your first match with Bob Holly!

 

HOLLY

I'm fuckin' you up, kid!

 

VINCE

Then you'll go backstage where the real fun begins.  First, HBK will witness to you for 2 straight hours!

 

HBK

You're gonna need it, kid!

 

VINCE

Then, we'll play "What's that floating in my IV bag?" with Randy Orton!

 

ORTON

I just ate......some of JR's barbeque....you're in trouble!

 

JR

It's bah gawd satisfying!

 

VINCE

Then, Hornswoggle will give you a 10 minute speech on how to deal with all of this!

 

HORNSWOGGLE

Shoot me!

 

VINCE

And Triple H will bury you personally to me!

 

HHH

Dad, this kid will never get over.  I think I should take that thing from around his waist!

 

TIMMY

That's my colostomy bag!

 

HHH

Mine now! 

 

VINCE

And finally, the day ends with a trip to my daughter Stephanie's office, where she is gonna make you a man!

 

STEPH

I rubbed it in relish and sprayed it with fart bomb juice,  I know what the fans want!

 

VINCE

Sound good, Timmy?

 

TIMMY

Well, actually, I only want one thing.

 

JEFF HARDY

To be W...W...E....CHAMPION!

 

TIMMY

Of course not!  What I want is to see a guy who hasn't already held a world title win the belt.  Someone with great in ring ability and charisma.  And maybe then after a while he could let another fun guy have the title for a while, and let new guys always win and keep kids like me entertained!

 

ALL

......

 

VINCE

Uh...yeah...so, um, we have to plug in our Popcorn machine.  Let me just unplug this thing here!

 

(Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

 

VINCE

Oh, geez, look at that, well we wish you well on all future endeavors, Timmy!  Oh, and if you see Owen Hart, tell him I know it's him fuckin' with my lights!

 
SEND FEEDBACK TO MATTHEW FOLGER
 
Matthew Folger quite literally needs surgery to remove all the "thumbs ups" he gets from his ass.  Because he gets so many, you see?  He also cuts trees down in the forest when no one else is around using a mechanical robot-arm guided saw, just to keep that annoying rhetorical question going.  He loves you all as long as you love him and is pretty easily upset at the sound of disrespect.  He's the drunken father figure you never had!

Banner & Pics created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).