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A video of Vince McMahon singing "Stand Back" from
1987 starts to play. It eventually starts to fade
out. We then see Vince standing in front of the
camera.)

VINCE
Haha, 1987. The Hulkster, The Macho Man, and me
singing "Stand Back". Boy, I'll tell ya', I've done a
lot of growing up since then!

(We pull back to reveal Vince has his pants down and
his ass hanging out.)

VINCE
Damn it!

(He promptly pulls them up.)

VINCE
Y'know, wrestling fans of the 1980's were some of the
best we've ever seen here at the WWE and it got us to
thinking, what made them so devout? Was it that our
product was relatively knew and hadn't become
repetitive yet? Was it that we had legitimate
competiton from a company that had a rich history in
the business? Was it the absence of soap-opera like
storylines and more in-ring action? Of course not!
It was the simple fact that we offered fans the right
merchandise! Yes, MERCHANDISE! We'll we've decided
to take a legendary piece of MERCHANDISE and update it
for the fans of today. WWE Records is proud to
present: Wrestlemania: The Album 2008!! We've got all
of your favorite WWE Superstars singing their hearts
out! All except that Jillian Hall, because she's
AWFUL! Am I right? Huh? HUH!?

(Awkward silence)

You'll hear songs by Superstars like, Triple H!

(The "Ghostbusters" theme begins to play as Triple H's
voice is heard singing over it.)

TRIPLE H
If there's a mid-carder
Leaning in the ring
Whatcha gonna do?

Facebuster!

A potential draw
Trying to get over
Whatcha gonna do?

Facebuster!

I ain't doin' no jobs!

VINCE
And...Triple H!

TRIPLE H
When I find myself in times of trouble
Vinnie Mac, he comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Ped-i-gree!

I might hurt myself with every step
And my move list is down to three
There's a simple answer
Ped-i-gree!

Ped-i-gree
Ped-i-GREE
PED-i-gree
Yeah, Ped-i-gree
There will be no kickout
Ped-i-gree!

VINCE
And of course...Triple H!

TRIPLE H
Wipeout!

VINCE
What, did you think this was just a vehicle for Triple
H? Haha, well you're mostly wrong. We do have other
Superstars. Like Mr. Kennedy!

MR. KENNEDY
Sometimes I feel I could just
(Ah-Ah)
Get Ahead, I could just
(Ah-Ah)
Get ahead
From the semi-main event

But I bought steroids
Now my push is
(Ah-Ah)
Fuckin' dead, yeah my push is
(Ah-Ah)
Fuckin' Dead
Cause of my past statements

Oooohh
Tainted Push
Ooo yeah
(Ah-Ah)
Tainted Push

VINCE
Also joining in on the fun is The Great Khali!
Translated by Runjon!

(Khali babbles as Runjon speaks his lyrics)

RUNJON
I hear the rickshaw comin'
It's comin' 'round the bend
And I ain't worked a broadway since
I don't know when
I'm stuck in Punjab Prison
And time keeps draggin' on
But that rickshaw keeps a-movin'
On down to Parts Unknown

When I was just a baby
My momma told me, son
Puga flagga ding dong, mooka abba chong
But I killed a man in the ring
And I watched him die
When I signal for a chokeslam
All the fans start to cry

VINCE
Haha, wonderful, isn't he? Get him a world title!
You'd have to be a fool not to run out and by this
collection right now! You don't want to be the only
kid on the block who doesn't know the words to Jeff
Hardy's "Spot Botchin", do you?

JEFF HARDY
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You think I maybe would've learned by now
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You think I maybe would've learned by now

Botchin' the night a-way! Bothcin' the ni-i-ght
a-way!

I drink a whiskey drink
At an alarming rate
And then after that
I botch a Twist of Fate
I'll do a Whisper in the Wind even when you're gone
I'll crush your ribs with a "modified" Swanton

Oooh Hardy boy, Hardy boy, Hardy booooy

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You think I maybe would've learned by now
I get knocked down
But I get up again
You think I maybe would've learned by now

VINCE
Our Intercontinental Champion, everyone!

JEFF HARDY
Hey, my "emo-etry" bonus track is gonna be on the
album, right?

VINCE
(sigh) Yes!

JEFF HARDY
Sweet!!

(Jeff jumps up in the air and falls flat on his ass.)

VINCE
Also you don't want to miss out on the first
MERCHANDISING appearance of young Cody Rhodes, do you?

CODY
Oogachaka
Ooga ooga oogachaka
Ooga ooga
I-I-I'm booked with a douchebag
Who I now have to tag
I'd rather be on heeeat
I'm booked with a douchebag

VINCE
Who's he booked with again? Ooh! Oh, dear! Get his
face on the cover, we owe him at least that much! And
of course, you can't miss out on the track sung by the
Chairman of the Board himself, VINCENT AH-KENNEDY
MACMAHON!!

Bury on, my in-lawed son
They'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary sledge to rest
Don't you try no more

Once I rose above the roids' and confusion
Just to get a good glimpse at my illusion
I was soaring ever higher
Then I tore my quads

Though the fans would say I still was a blindman
Though my wife would say I still was a madman
I see the mid-carders are yearning
They can hear me saaaay

Bury on, my in-lawed son
They'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary sledge to rest
Don't you try no more

VINCE
I've still got it, damn it! Of course we couldn't fit
all of the great songs in this collection into one ad!
You'll also get...

(Song titles begin to scroll down the screen.)

Under the Chinlock
by Randy Orton

She Blinded Me With Silence (The Ballad of Kelly
Kelly)
by Johnny Ace

It's Not Easy Being Green
by Mark Henry

BASKETBALL Jones
by Dave Batista

Smells Like Teen P****
by Jerry Lawler

If I Had A Hammer (talkin' to you, Cole!)
by JBL

Ain't No Sunshine
by Big Daddy V's Wrestling Tights

Half the Face I Used To Be
by Jim Ross

Just Wish I Had Hardy's Girl
by Edge

Ring Girls Don't Try
by The Divas

You Ain't Seen Nothing Still
By The Miz

Gimme Shelton
by Charlie Haas

Money For Nothing
by Stephanie McMahon

I Would Do Anything to Draw (But I Won't Do Jobs)
by John Cena

And many, many more!

VINCE
Don't believe me that this is the greatest piece of
WWE MERCHANDISE in history? Just listen to what these
people had to say!

(Cut to Carlito)

CARLITO
This album is coo-ul!

DIRECTOR
Aaand...you're fired!

CARLITO
Das not coo-ul!

(Cut to a shadowy backlit figure. Under him the name
WWE FAN appears.)

SHADOWY FAN
Woooo! This is the best damn album ever! I can't
stop talkin' about it! Wooooo! I haven't slept in
seven years! My eyes look like bloodshot plumbs!
Wooooooooooooooooo!

(Cut to Bobby Lashley wearing a beard. The name
AFRICAN-AMERICAN FAN appears below him)

BOBBY
This album? It's good. Very good. I like it much. I
listen to it...a lot. Always, too. Bye.

(Back to Vince.)

VINCE
Would those enthusiastic WWE fans lie to you? Hell
no! So what are you waiting for? TNA to make one?
Wrong answer!

ANNOUNCER
Order Wrestlemania: The Album 2008 now for only $24.95
plus shipping and handling.

 
SEND FEEDBACK TO MATTHEW FOLGER
 
Matthew Folger quite literally needs surgery to remove all the "thumbs ups" he gets from his ass.  Because he gets so many, you see?  He also cuts trees down in the forest when no one else is around using a mechanical robot-arm guided saw, just to keep that annoying rhetorical question going.  He loves you all as long as you love him and is pretty easily upset at the sound of disrespect.  He's the drunken father figure you never had!

Banner & Pics created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).