COPS: On
location in Stamford, CT (The COPS theme
and opening credits roll) ANNOUNCER Cops is filmed
on location with the men...and women (giggle) of
law enforcement.
All suspects are innocent until proven
guilty (giggle). (Officers LLOYD
and O'Shancy drive around, patrolling the area.) LLOYD Y'know this
neighborhood used to be real quiet back in the
late 90's.
Never had a whole lot of problems, y'know?
But then around the 2002-2003 area things
for some reason really went to hell. Everyone
got all hot and bothered and the trouble hasn't
died down since. It hasn't
been this bad since the mid 90's! O'SHANCY He still has
trouble thinking about the first call he had
when he started back in 1995. LLOYD Who was I
arresting? O'SHANCY Who. LLOYD That's what I'm
asking. O'SHANCY No no, his name
was Who. LLOYD I dunno his name I'm asking you! O'SHANCY Lloyd, his name was Who. He was a wrestler who went by the
name of Who! LLOYD Oh, that's kind of funny but not really. DISPATCH Any available units. we have a domestic
disturbance at 1213 Evian Way, please respond. O'SHANCY On it! This could be anyone, we get a lot
of calls like this. It must be something in the water
supplements...I mean, supply! (They arrive at the scene to see a crazy
mustachioed man wielding a sledgehammer on the
front lawn. They get out to handle the
situation.) LLOYD Police! SIr, put the sledgehammer down! (The man cocks back and hits Lloyd with the end
of it while his fist is still covering it.) LLOYD Hey, that tickles! Seriously, sir, give us the
sledgehammer! HHH You ask her! You ask the BITCH why I'm doing
this! (Steph comes out onto the lawn in a robe,
slippers, smoking a cigarette.) STEPH Officers, I want him out of my HOOOUUUSSSEE! Who do you think YOOOUU AAARRRRRRE? O'SHANCY Ma'am, what is going on here? STEPH He struck me! HHH She's a proffesional Lieologist! LLOYD Sir, relax! HHH Tell me Steph, how did it happen? Why were Aurora Rose's first words
"oooooh YEEEAH"? STEPH He hit me with a monitor and a chair, I'm
pressin' CHARGES!! LLOYD Seperate! C'mon, c'mon, SEPERATE! (Lloyd takes HHH off to the side while O'Shancy
stays with Steph) LLOYD Sir, what's going on? HHH It's been building for years. I didn't want this. I just wanted to insert myself into
the upper brackets of this business by tying Ric
Flair for number of World Titles held, but then
all THIS has to happen! She slept with Randy Savage! LLOYD Sir, we... HHH And his brother Lanny! LLOYD I... HHH And Phineas I. Godwinn! LLOYD Sir... HHH And Who! LLOYD Who? HHH Nevermind. I just need a night to blow off
some steam, man! (Meanwhile, O'Shancy is talking with Steph) STEPH And Todd Pettengill. And Mantaur. And all of Los Boricuas... O'SHANCY Ma'am please! What do you want us to do with him? STEPH I want him to go to jail...IF...he fails to beat
you guys in a handicap match! O'SHANCY Look, we'll take him in for the night and you can
come get him after he cools of, ok? STEPH You're kinda cute! Ever been with a girl with a clit
in her butt? O'SHANCY LLOYD!! Let's get out of here! (1:35 a.m. The boys get a call on the dispatch
about a two Peeping Toms. They arrive on the scene.) LLOYD Police! Get out of the tree right now! PEEPING TOM 1 Business has just picked up! PEEPING TOM 2 Quiet, JR, she's almost done with the left shoe! Whoopie! O'SHANCY Sirs, get out of the tree right now! KING Up yours, copper, we ain't never comin' down! Not until she's in her underwear! PUPPIES!! O'SHANCY Why not until she's naked? JR You mean there's ANOTHER level of undress other
than Bra and Panties?!? KING PUPPIES! BART GUNN Why don't you guys get out of here? JR Bart Gunn! Bah gawd, so THIS is where you've
been! BART GUNN I've said too much! (He leaves.) LLOYD We need to get them down, but how? O'SHANCY Wait, I think I have an idea! (O'Shancy goes to the squad car and takes out his
nightstick. He smashes one of the windows.) JR BAH GAWD, KING! STONE COLD IS HERE! STONE COLD! KING He's not here JR, they're just... JR STONE COLD, I'M COMING! WE CAN TAKE THAT TRIP TO CANCUN
NOW! STONE COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Jr jumps out of the tree and is immediately
arrested.) KING Nice try, but you'll NEVER get the King! LLOYD Hey, is that Miley Cyrus? KING SHIT, where?
Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaa.... (He is put into custody after plunging from the
tree.) (3 a.m. The ghostly hour when the
nightwatchman snores his loudest. Except for these two! They arrive at yet another crime
scene.) O'SHANCY We got a call about a suspicious character
roaming these street out here. Gonna see if we can find him! LLOYD I see him! We can relax, it's just Jeff Hardy
again! JEFF (singing) And then a SWANTON *hiccup* and it goes in
yoooouuurr faaaace...hahaha....all over
the....PLACE *hiccup*! (They walk over to Jeff.) LLOYD Jeff, again? Really now, this is getting sad! JEFF I saw 'em. He was in the air! He had RAINBOW HAIR! I should write that down! O'SHANCY Jeff you know you're supposed to stay down in
North Carolina with your brother! JEFF I know *hiccup* but when I got theeerre...my
house....it was all....whooooosh...gone! Don't know where it is! O'SHANCY It burned down, Jeff! JEFF It did?!? LLOYD We've been over this a million times and.... JEFF OH GOD!! WHY?!? WHY, GOD?!???? O'SHANCY Jeff, please... JEFF So I came up here hooooping...if you don't
MIND...that I could find my push! LLOYD If you get in the car with us we'll take you to
your push, Jeff! JEFF Really? No foolin'? LLOYD No fooling, Jeff! JEFF Where is it? O'SHANCY Downtown with us, now c'mon! JEFF (singing) I oooooncce had a PUSH *hiccup* and I named it
LARRY! It wasn't SCARY...with a litte
assault and BARRY...Windham in the wind with the
farts! Hahahahah! LLOYD We'll get him back to his brothers house, I'm
sure he's worried sick about him! O'SHANCY This job just doesn't get any easier! LLOYD I know...I know! JEFF I knooow...I know! ANNOUNCER Here's a special look at next weeks edition of
COPS, where we'll be on location in Parts
Unknown! OFFICER We got reports of a man crashing a plane
containing Hulk Hogan and...what's that on the
radio?!? WARRIOR I haaaave transended the bounds of flesh to
become one with the little Warriors in pure
kinetic radio waves! I have takem the PLANE down with a
swing of my mighty Dinosword and have taken Hulk
Ho-gan out with the rest of yesterday's living
creatures! I am NOW THE LORD! I die for the sins of the fallen! I... (The officer turns the radio off) OFFICER We never should have hired him as the dispatch
guy!
WWE IS "COPS".
