So, I went to see Peter Jackson's new rendition of the classic King Kong today....
DAMN YOU, PETER JACKSON!
The Plot: *WARNING The following may contain spoilers for all those losers who have somehow never seen a King Kong film* Our story begins with Anne, a struggling comedy actress living in Depression Era New York. Somehow she manages to be the single most expensively dressed person in the movie despite not having enough money to eat. I have to admit that the choice to not modernize the movie by setting it in current times was a good one, but the inconsistencies with the time frame show.
For example, a completely untrained teenage boy manages to fire off sure fire shots at a flailing mass of creatures on a man without hitting him...he does this with a Depression Era machine gun.
Moving on. Anne's show is shut down and on her way to a strip show, she meets up with Carl, played by Jack Black, who needs a new leading actress for his film. He bails her out of a little trouble for stealing and they are off. It is soon revealed that Carl lies, cheats and steals his way to the top. His actual film location is the uncharted Skull Island and not Singapore as everyone was told. Hiring a Captain known for bringing back exotic animals for high payers, they avoid the law and sail to their destination.
This is all masterfully done. The acting is top notch, and the story is flowing nicely, if a little slowly. Upon reaching Skull island we get to see the single most offensive natives shown in modern film. They are obviously portrayed as being less than human and lay waste to the first member of Carl's crew. To offset this the casting has one male, black lead who seems to honestly be screaming "WE AREN'T RACIST! WE MEAN IT!"
The problem with the whole film arises when the actual star of it finally arrives. Kong is over played. You can only watch him beat up dinosaurs so much before it gets boring and after a twenty minute fight scene, that features Anne doing at least six double take shots of various "monsters" behind her, you really stop to care. Kong spends the rest of the movie either rampaging and crushing bystanders (but not women) or "Emoing" out in depression.
Anne basically plays "White Bitch in peril" CONSTANTLY until you are begging for her to show some other emotion. ANY emotion. She does however grant Kong an appreciation for physical comedy with stage antics (I had no idea you could tame a gorilla by juggling rocks). The rest of the time we are treated to Anne being narrowingly rescued from the jaws of death time and time again. Whether it's being crushed, maimed, eaten or torn apart by Kong himself who is obviously on steroids (No Genitalia, and big hulking muscles? You do the math), Anne seems to possess amazing luck and the ability to ignore the laws of physics by not getting whiplash (or dying).
Also, once in New York Kong gets to ice skate. You heard me. He ice skates. Speaking of the climax, they have by now spent so much time on the other scenes, there is basically none left so everything comes off rushed and unexplained. Nevermind, the fact that somehow with only half a crew, they managed to load Kong on a boat half his size and get it back to New York.
To top it all off, Anne shows that she has completely abandoned her love (Jack, the writer of the move and a play she likes, who wasn't even worth mentioning until now) for Kong. As our favorite monkey pal scales the Empire State Building, he places her in safety from the airplane attacks....which she promptly ignore and climbs the convenient ladder after him. This of course leads to Kong being forced to save her from falling, at which point she still climbs after him again.
Kong eventually falls victim to the planes (He should have thrown barrels at them...oh, wrong Kong) as Anne's useless boyfriend arrives to stand around and stare at nothing. Kong manages to fall without crushing a single one of the people who were crowded around the building. Carl makes the scene just in time to utter the one line that is most hated from the second King Kong film "No, it wasn't the planes. It was Beauty killed the Beast." End.
Sound: The sound is mostly great, though it is odd that sometimes Kong sounds light as a feather as he moves through the streets. The canned screams of death get pretty old as Kong and various monsters constantly crush men in droves.
Picture Quality and CGI: It looked pretty, but there was an odd CGI sequence of an islander man pole vaulting to the ship through incredibly stormy waters somehow.
Overall: Don't bother unless you want to rent it. Five bucks was too much for this film that went on about an hour longer than it needed to. If I wanted to see a big gorilla fight dinosaurs all night, I'd play Primal Rage. 2 stars
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).