WWE JUDGMENT
DAY
2009
(05/17/09)
By Anthony Dean
Welcome all ye faithful to Judgment Day, a night where all good Christians are
rewarded for their morals and stuff by being killed, and all the sinners are punished by...being allowed to continue living
on Earth. Right? I mean is that even it? I don't know, the closest thing to religion I had growing up was a molester uncle.
Anyway, WWE of course celebrates this night...with wrestling. I mean I don't even have to state the connection there. Because
there isn't one. Anyway, here we go!
We start things off right away with CM Punk, hometown hero and Mr. Money in the Bank, taking on the returning monster Umaga with whom he is feuding because, just because, see? Really, you would think being a big scary motherfucker like Umaga who can't speak words and doesn't know anyone, you would think it would be pretty easy to avoid having problems with most people. Why, then, would he return after months and months of being away just to attack some random dude relentlessly? BECAUSE MONSTERS DON'T JUST C HILL. This is why he needs a manager. Preferably Raven, just because that would make no sense at all. Anyway, the annual CM Punk burial is now underway!
Umaga vs CM Punk
Punk starts off centering his offense with kicks, because that worked extremely well at the last pay per view where he fought a big angry monster fuck in Kane. Springboard something gets him slammed and beat on, with Umaga whipping him into adjacent turnbuckles. Adjacent isn't right. I mean fuck you, yes it is, and now adjacent is how history will remember those turnbuckles being, regardless of however much they weren't. NERVEHOLD but Punk gets a ropebreak instead of the usual nonsensical battling out, but Umaga punishes Punk's arm that grapped the ropes with his fat ass. He gets thrown into the ringpost and another nervehold follows up on the freshly injured shoulder. Punk tries the aforementioned violently jerking and battling out, but Umaga is too crafty for that shit and stays in control, getting a nearfall after a knee dorp dorp DORP. Punk seeks refuge on the apron where Umaga just kicks him off and into the barrier. Punk drags his b'gawd mangled carcass back up onto the apron and goes for a sunset flip on Umaga in the ring which goes about as well as you would expect it to go, that being horribly wrong. Umaga sits down on Punk twice, but Punk blocks it a third time because he is not retarded. He then tries to slam Umaga, making both himself and that last sentence look ridiculous as he is unable to successfully hoist up Umaga's big ass.
Umaga back in control until a flying headbutt misses, as does a charge and Punk sends him over and out before flying after him and taking him down. Back in he goes back to the kicking game, knowing that his boots give him an advantage over Umaga's bare feet. Or so he ignorantly assumes. Samoans, of course, have really hard feet in addition to craniums, both science and the Supreme Court have concluded this multiple times. Irish whip gets reversed, but Umaga (hungrily) eats boot as he charges an awaiting Punk. He tries again but Punk dodges and goes for the Pepsi One bulldog, but Umaga shoves him off and into the ADJACENT corner. Still correct. Punk dodges an ass slam and hits the bulldog for a nearfall. Springboard clothesline followup scores another two. The GTS being his last thus far unutilized move, he goes for it, but again he is too weak. Clearly, he has the problem, and not the big fat son of a bitch who apparently can't fit into shirts or shoes. No, it is Punk who is too small. Umaga then gets him int o GTS position, just to fuck with him I guess, before dropping him Samoan style for two. Spike misses and Punk starts in on a flurry of kicks before again going for the GTS and this time collapsing. Umaga sends him into a corner, hits the ass slam, and follows through with the Spike for the win.
Winner : Umaga
Well that was okay. It's good to see WWE didn't make me look like a fool by giving Punk the win there after I so confidently stated he was going to lose. Or maybe I added that part in after I saw the match. Except I didn't. And now, history will remember me as a prophet or some sort of pretty good guesser, unless history be's a fag and correctly deduce's that I'm lying. Anyway, IN THE BACK NOW with Chavo Guerrero telling Vickie that John Cena is cleared to wrestle tonight. Vickie then needlessly relays this information to Big Show who is right there, telling him his match is on. Big Show is worried that, what with Triple H and soon John Cena being gone, it will be bad for business, but Vickie says when Cena gets taken out someone else will replace him. Oh, God, really? Like is that for real what they're trying to do here? I just became a Big Show fan for the first time ever. Show says that he knows who will take Cena's place. The Brian Kendrick? I bet it's The Brian Kendrick. Edge enters now and Big Show cool ly greets him, but Edge sends him away by saying he needs to talk to his wife. Chavo awkwardly leaves next and Vickie avoids eye contact with a frazzled-looking Edge.
ECW TIME. Mark Henry seems like a pretty cool guy, and it's a shame no one's called him the n-word in a while, because I kind of miss him always being in ECW's title matches. I mean yeah, he's not great, and he wrestles pretty much the same match every time, but I don't know, he was mildly entertaining sometimes, even if he did always just kill everyone, it always at least seemed familiar, almost comforting. Why yes, I did start watching Raw around mid-2002, why do you ask?
Jack Swagger vs ECW Champion Christian, Title Match
They go back and forth to begin, with Christian soon leaving the ring and leading Swagger on a chase around ringside. He gets him back in the ring and tries for a military press but Christian counters with an Unprettier attempt that Swagger frantically lashes away from. Christian is like "This close, you silly bitch" and Swagger takes offense to being not quite called a silly bitch but you can tell that's what he meant and so he gets Christian in a waistlock, but Christian remembers spending ten minutes in that position during their last match and so breaks that shit off right the fuck away, so he just gets shoulder blocked down instead. Christina manages to dodge some charges from Jackie and sends him out and over and hits his through-the-rope kick upon his return that sent Swagger right back out. He flies out onto him from there and looks pretty awesome here. He rolls Swagger back in the ring, who knees Christian in the head as he was getting in and knocks him to the outside where JACK hurls him into the st eel ringpost before just standing on top of him. Nearfall back inside and Swaggerton continues with a body scissors, grabbing the ropes while the ref was busy repeatedly asking Christian if he's sure he doesn't want to submit because people tap out to that move all the time. The ever-resilient Christian, however, doesn't, and they continue to go back and forth.
Christian looks for an elbow on a standing Swagger, but Swagger gets him in running powerslam position and crushes him in the corner. Christian escapes a second one and Edgeomatic's him down for two. Christian with some more through the rope kicks on Swagger in the corner and goes for a frogsplash but Swagger rolls him up for two. More back and forth until Swagger takes Christian off the top with a super belly-to-belly for a nearfall, but Christian quickly rolls him up for two of his own. Sunset flip a la P unk-Umaga but it turns out the same, so Christian recovers and goes for a Tornado DDT that gets countered and recountered into an inverted DDT for two. Swagger then gets a nearfall grabbing Christian's tights, but the ref catches it, and from here they trade finisher attempts and reversals until Christian pulls down Swagger's tight straps and rolls Swagger up, grabbing his tights, for the pinfall.
Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Christian
Appropriate winner, considering the Pay Per View. I mean you can't have Kane out there winning matches tonight, that'd just be bad PR. I don't know what PR is. Anyway, good match, good finish to continue the feud, considering how Christian won the title.
IN THE BACK AGAIN Chavo is waiting by Vickie's door when Edge emerges. Chavo asks what's going on and Edge is like "I's talking to my wife, shit." Chavo keeps on though, saying how they're not living together, leading Edge to snap on Chavo for not standing up for Vickie when a cross dresser called her a pig and that he is an embarrassment before leaving because he has important shit to do. Those Mexicans and their domestic problems. Moving on.
Our next match is Shelton Benjamin taking on John Morrison here at Midcard Madness! So Morrison is now face and the World's Greatest Tag Team are reunited? I really need to watch Smackdown more. And by more I mean ever. Morrison gets a good bit of support here and Benjamin um doesn't. Really, I mean, I like Shelty well enough I guess, but, I don't know. Even when I play General Manager Mode I just can't seem to find anything to do with him, and I mean I took a Braden Walker CAW to a World Championship in be lievable fashion, 8.7 million computerized wrestling fans will tell you that. If they ever come out with "vanilla chocolate" ice cream flavor, Shelton Benjamin would probably be on the carton, I guess that is what I'm trying to say.
John Morrison vs Shelton Benjamin w/ Charlie Haas w/ Job?!
Benjamin hits a T-Bone suplex pretty much at the bell and goes for an armbar, breaking it soon with a kick to Morrison's ribs. Morrison soon gets to his feet and starts in with punches and Benjamin hauls outside the ring. Morrison looks to dive onto Benjamin so he flinches and bails like a bitch, but Morrison was just fucking with him. Upon his return, however, Morrison hits a crazy ass spinning dive that takes Benjamin down. Awesome. Mr. Nohjo Rison rolls Benji back in and goes up top but Chaas distracts h im, allowing Benjamin to crotch and kick Morrison off the turnbuckle and to the outside. Back in, Benjamin goes for a series of submission moves that never make anyone submit ever, with Morrison escaping each time only for the Shelton to remain in control. Morrison eventually reverses a sleeper hold and Benjamin shoves Morrison off into the ropes, butting heads upon his bounce back. They groggily rise for Morrison to reverse a back suplex into a nearfall. Morrison then hits a beautiful combo of low-impact m oves for another two.
Moonlight Drive gets reversed into a backbreaker, but Benjamin's followup charge sees him get kicked down for two. Morrison whips Benjamin into a corner but he grabs the ropes and jumps up to leapfrog him ; Morrison, however, makes him look dumb as hell with his springboard side kick. Hurricarana attempt sees Morrison get thrown off into a corner. Whip to the adjacent corner, prove it isn't, is reversed by the Back Door Man who then tries for a monkey flip, but Benjamin lands on his feet and looks like a ve lociraptor or something. I know it sounds stupid but I'm telling you. Anyway, Chaas needlessly gets on the apron here, but the Changeling knocks him out, barely dodging a big splash by Benjamin. Springboard Roadhouse Kick and the corkscrew moonsault finish him off.
Winner : John Morrison
Good match, Morrison especially shined, which is ironic because Shelton Benjamin is the Gold Standard. But he's black, so the closest thing he can do to shine is glisten while doing manual labor amirite iamaren'ti. Wrestlemania DVD. I hear they left Kid Rock off of it alltogether, so if that's a dealbreaker for anyone out there, you're welcome, and kill yourself.
THE MIZ is here now, and he wants to give props to the winner of the last match, Marty Jannetty! DIS. He says he's about to outshine Morrison, and not for the last time, even though I didn't know he even had a fucking match tonight. I mean yeah, that Morrison one took me by surprise too, but still. He gets WHATed down and he calls the live crowd ducks. He then starts in on Cena, calling him a pussy for not accepting his challenge, probably because every time he tries to Big Show beats him down really slowly and dramatically for twenty minutes, but nevertheless. He then compares Cena's loserishness to the Cubs because they're in Chicago tonight, and he turns his attention to some Cubs player who is in the front row. Miz says he can't see him and makes some baseball jokes I don't get because the athletes are far too clothed in that sport for me to properly enjoy it. Miz then challenges the guy to get in the ring with him as a Cena stand-in, but he's gotta take a phone call first. It's apparently the Cubs manage r or something and he tells more baseball jokes that I don't get. He then says the Cubs player forefits and thus making him 4-0 against Cena. Well allright then.
This brings Santino out who says he can't let "The Fizz" make fun of a fellow Italian in the Cubs player. He says he's noticed that some people in WWE look like animals, with Vickie being a pig, Vladimir Kozlov being an eagle or something, and Miz is a jackass. He haw's into the mic and Miz threatens to beat him down, leading Santino to hilariously say that he hope Miz brought his metal detector because he brought some guns before flexing. Miz gets in a cheap shot and they start brawling in the ring with th e crowd cheering for Santino. Miz however eventually hits a DDT and takes his leave. Chavo then comes down and frog splashes Santino, saying "Who's the pig now, huh?" I respect his loyalty, but it's still Vickie, man. I always thought of her more of a horsecow hybrid than an outright pig, but really comparing her to any of those farm animals is not a disagreeable stance.
TO THE BACK ONCE MORE for Josh Mathews taking on Chris Jericho in a war of words. Mathews wanted to know if Jericho thought there was a controversy against him, leading Jericho to correct Josh's retardation by claiming that it is more than a conspiracy, it is an ATTACK. He says he's been screwed out of two world title matches and that Rey is coasting by due to a bias GM and us sycophants and hypocrites and bilderbergers. He ends by saying there'll be a new Intercontinental Champion and there won't be any 69 tonight. Maybe not on THIS pay per view channel. And by pay per view channel I mean website. Same connotation, one just makes me sound less poor.
Chris Jericho vs Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio, Title Match
Rey immediately trips Jericho up into the ropes and goes for a 619, but Jericho leaves the ring before getting back in to kill Rey a little bit before throwing him out of the ring. He follows but Rey slips past him back inside, keeping him out with a baseball slide. Dive from the apron onto Jericho but a whip is reversed and Rey gets slammed into the barrier. Back in Jericho remains in control, blocking most of Rey's flying shit and sending him off the turnbuckle and back to the floor with a springboard dro pkick. He drops Mysterio on the crowd barrier before sending him back in and getting a splash from the apron for a nearfall. Rey escapes an arm hold and again sends Jericho into 619 position by way of an enziguri, but Y2J backbodydropped Rey who lands on his leg weird. He scampers to the outside, sniveling, but Jericho yanks him back up on the apron. Rey reverses a suplex back into the ring but Jericho gets him up in a torture rack before dropping down and breaking Rey across his shoulders.
He continues destroying Rey before putting him on a turnbuckle and trying to yank off his mask so all of his supporters will realize just how comical looking the guy they're cheering really is. Rey, realizing this would probably cause all his merchandise sales to plummet, is quickly revitalized and knocks Jericho down before hitting a senton from the top. He's doing it for all his little homies in the Barrio. So they'll continue to pay for his house that's nowhere near the fucking Barrio. West Coast Pop or something gets a nearfall and a nice series of reversals eventually sees Rey end up in the Walls of Jericho, but he stops that before it can start and charges, but Jericho catches him with a tiltawhirl backbreaker for a nearfall. Headscissors soon sends Jericho into the 619 setup AGAIN, but Jericho again dodges and catches a Rey headscissors attempt, leading to another Walls of Jericho attempt that leads to yet another 619 attempt. This time Jericho waited for the kick and caught it, dragging Rey into the W alls. He almost reaches the ropes, but Jericho hurriedly drags him back into the middle of the ring, leading to Rey scooping up Jericho into a rollup for two. Hurricarana is turned into a powerbomb by Jericho for a nearfall of his own. Slap across the back of the mask gets Rey angry and he trips up Jericho as he was charging him in the corner, sending him into 619 position in a turnbuckle. The 619 connects and a springboard splash seals it.
Winner and STILL Champion : Rey Mysterio
Really good match. If Jericho wasn't already a seven-time Intercontinental Champion and, what, five-time World Champion, and if I hadn't already seen Rey sans mask, I might actually be looking forward to this feud. Batista-Orton is up next.
Batista vs WWE Champion Randy Orton
Right at the bell Orton leaves the ring as the announcers point out Batista has some stitches on his eyebrow. They say that Batista got in some sort of fight this weekend and that Orton might have had something to do with it. Why even bother saying that? I mean the guy's done so much already, what's a fight over the weekend that no one saw really going to add? Also, seriously, I would love to see Batista in a real-life fight. I mean really, all this wrestling stuff aside, he would fucking kill somebody. Ort on slips back in and slaps Batista in a headlock because he's Randy Orton and that's just what he does. He shoves Teest off into the ropes only to get shoulderblocked down upon his return. Orton leaves the ring again. Okay, this is going to suck. The match then proceeds to suck. Batista generally keeps Orton down until THE VIPER grabs his tights from the ground and sends him through the ropes. He gets up on the apron but Orton dropkicks his shit right back down before going out and slamming his back on top of the barrier. More slow suckitude back in the ring. I don't know if it's inherently bad, or if it's just that I don't care for the storyline, or if it's just the guys involved, but this is basically like Orton's Wrestlemania match.
Anyway, they go back and forth, with Batista hitting some power moves and Orton getting in cheap shots and chinlocks. Elevated DDT on Batista seemingly out of nowhere scores a nearfall for Orton. He looks for the RKO, then backs off and seems to be setting Batista up for a soccer punt, but THE ANIMAL catches him with a spear. More of his POWER GAME and Orton eventually just says fuck it and rolls out, telling the ref to start counting. Batista isn't having any of that though and wears his ass out ringside. Orton flees and Batista gives chase, with Orton eventually grabbing onto a ringpost, wanting the countout. Batista eventually gets him back in where Orton continues to take an ass beating and so he rolls out again. He guillotines Batista on the ropes and grabs a chair, but Batista meets him on the apron and knocks it to the floor. Back in Teest grounds Orton with a shoulder block from the top and a Batista Bomb attempt, but Randall again seeks comfort on the outside, grabbing his belt and walking up the ram p. WALKING. Batista, not being a quadripalegic, catches up to him and brings him back into the ring. Belt shot misses and Orton gets his spine busted, narrowly dodging a Batista Bomb. RKO is also nilled, as is a spear, the latter of which saw Batista's shoulder get fucked up against the ringpost. Another RKO is thwarted and Batista grabs Orton angrily, so Orton just slaps the ref, getting himself disqualified and retaining the title.
Winner but NOT WWE Champion : Batista
Post-match Priceless enter and lay into Batista, but Ric Flair's music hits and he runs down. He single-handedly takes on Legacy because, as we can all but infer between this and how they fared against the McMahons, elderly people seem to be their weakness. Batista recovers and the former World Tag Team Champions take out the other former World Tag Team Champions and the current WWE Champion in a totally believable battle that sees Orton get a Batista Bomb. Legacy limp away and Flair and Batista share a ten der moment as Orton, Rhodes, and Dibiase eye them furiously. All of that was pretty boring and I don't give a shit about Ric Flair, I'm not gonna lie to you. Big Show-Cena recap. The announcers continue to reiterate that John Cena is despite him being medically cleared to wrestle, meaning one of two things : He will lose tonight, attack Big Show tomorrow, and win the probably-stipulated rematch, or he will overcome the odds and win tonight, Big Show will attack him tomorrow, and win the probably-stipulated rematch. LET'S GO.
John Cena vs Big Show
Cena starts off backing into a corner away from Big Show. "REGRET NOTHING AND FEAR LESS. Except ass beatings and the people who gave them to you." Big Show laughs on as Cena rolls away, wincing in pain and clutching his side. Show eventually gets him and lays into him with a few well-placed punches, just fucking with him. Cena starts his early power-up but he careens off of Big Show after a shoulder block attempt. He then stands on Cena's stomach before slamming him, but Cena wormed out of another slam atte mpt and got in a few punches before just getting slammed for a nearfall. Show fakes being impressed that Cena kicked out. He goes for a very needless running boot but Cena dodged, only to get tossed over the top rope by Show as he tried a follow up charge. Show then rammed him into a ringpost before rolling him back in the ring. This is pretty awesome. Cena escapes the camel clutch setup and tries for a bulldog but Show just propels him onward. Cena soon gets an opening and lunged at show from the second ro pe, but TBS caught him in an extended bearhug that saw Cena eventually turn 180 degrees before Show just headbutted him in the back. This should be really boring but I don't know, they're actually making Cena dying before rising up from the ashes spry as can be look believable this time.
Big Show ass slam on Cena in the corner before being whipped to the adjacent turnbuckle. I seriously have got to learn the right word for that. The across turnbuckle? Oh, opposite! Shit. I knew that too, I've used it before and everything. Goddamnit. I should just go edit all the places I incorrectly used "adjacent" now but just no. Anyway, yeah, by this point Big Show tried for a big splash but Cena dodged and Show ate turnbuckle, and just as he got done wiping his mouth he got caught with some Cena punche s. Chop block brings THE BIG MAN down and he connects with the Throwback. Five Knuckle Shuffle is successful. This is ridiculous. Show grabs at Cena but gets DDT'd back down and Cena tries for the STF but that's like applying it to a refridgerator, with frying pans soldered on the sides, and a typewriter fastened on top of the unit, and so Cena gets shoved off and clotheslined down.
Big Show goes up for a Banzai Drop that connects for like the first time ever except not literally because it has a name and stuff. Anyway, Cena kicks out at two and everybody makes it out to be this huge deal. A second Banzai Drop of course misses as Big Show lands on his ass. Another STFU attempt fails again, and a third time moments later. All this failure leads to an Alley Oop Powerbomb by Big Show (Thank you Smackdown vs Raw Create-A-Wrestler for that move's name). Big Show signals that he is gea ring up for the KO Punch. He swings but Cena ducks before lifting Big Show up and connecting with the Attitude Adjustment for the win. What.
Winner : John Cena
That was terrible, nothing about that match made sense. So John Cena is already hurt beforehand, then gets beat up during the match for like ten minutes straight, then is suddenly able to quickly lift the 500 pound guy up and slam him without effort? I mean, okay, Cena is Christ, we already knew that. This whole feud is pointless. Post-match, Cena gives a YOU CAN'T SEE ME with the Italian Cub player from earlier, I guess to give the Cubs hope or something, I don't know. Cena then leaves all confident and sh it. Oh my God. Hardy-Edge now.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs Jeff Hardy
Hardy and Edge are all intense pissed off at eachother for some reason, I don't know. I didn't watch their little video package, but I imagine it was all old footage anyway since the last pay per view was like not even three weeks ago and they were both feuding with completely different people up until then. Anyway, they keep it basic for a good portion of the early match, mainly seeing armdrags. Hardy backbodydrops Edge over the top rope and mulekicks him off the apron before diving out onto him. Standard Jeff Hardy fare continues with a Whisper in the Wind that misses and Edge whips Hardy into a corner before spearing him in the back, sending him outside. Back in he continues working over Hardy's back for a long while until Hardy breaks a submission move Smackdown vs Raw didn't teach me the name of and looks for a Twist of Fate, but Edge stops it and slams Hardy down for a nearfall. Hardy gets a brief flurry of his signature spots before going for a top rope crossbody that misses, but he recovers and hits a nother series of signature moves. Double leg drop and corner kick and all that. He then Irish whips Edge and then following him, sliding under his legs and to the outside where he trips Edge and hits the crossbody for two. Hardy follows up by dropkicking air before locking Edge in a Sharpshooter that ends in a rope break, but a Twist of Fate scores a nearfall for Jeff.
A little later, a top rope battle sees Hardy score a huge sunset flip pin for two. Edge rolls out to the apron to doge the corner kick, but Hardy just turns and completes the move anyway, knocking Edge out to the floor and making the move hurt worse then it would have had he just stayed there and took it. Hardy follows out and tears away the black padding on the crowd barrier before slamming Edge into it. Next he lays Edge out on the announce table and looks to run along the barrier and onto Edge, but Edge gets up as Hardy was running and catches him in mid-jump with a spear that puts his ass down for a nine count. Edge tries to spear Jeff off the apron but he moves and Twists Edge's Fate from the apron, guillotining his neck on the rope. Legdrop from the apron scores two, as does a Whisper in the Wind and Edge rolls out. Hardy follows and jumps off the steps onto Edge, dumping both of them over the barrier into the crowd. Edge gets tossed back over, but out of nowhere Matt Hardy runs up behind him and nails him in the head with his cast. He then hides behind the barrier as Edge takes control, rolling Jeff in for two. Spear misses and Edge collides with the turnbuckle. Hardy goes up for the Swanton but is "concussed" from his brother's cheap shot and crotches himself on the turnbuckle. Edge then gives a super Edgecution from the top for the pinfall.
Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion : Edge.
Definitely the best match of the night, but the second title match to end with bullshittery. I guess we have more Hardy-Hardy to look forward to, and by that I mean we get to see Matt Hardy continually beat Jeff Hardy until he signs a new contract or his current one expires. Or maybe they'll just assume nobody knows and try a Loser Leaves WWE Match. The point is, good match. Hardy sells the head injury post-match with random important-looking people hugging up to him.
Okay, so. I've gotta say, I liked the more than usual amount of matches, and I like the allowance of midcard guys to get Pay Per View length matches, all of which made everyone involved look good. Well, except Punk, but that is to be expected. I barely even noticed that every match was a non-gimmicked singles match with very little build and that nothing really happened in the way of storyline developments. And no, Ric Flair chopping people is not a big deal. But basically, most of the matches were decent, with a couple being very good, there were zero diva matches, and only one really terrible bullshit finish. I can't complain. Just ignore all the times I did anyway. Yeah. END SHOW.
We start things off right away with CM Punk, hometown hero and Mr. Money in the Bank, taking on the returning monster Umaga with whom he is feuding because, just because, see? Really, you would think being a big scary motherfucker like Umaga who can't speak words and doesn't know anyone, you would think it would be pretty easy to avoid having problems with most people. Why, then, would he return after months and months of being away just to attack some random dude relentlessly? BECAUSE MONSTERS DON'T JUST C HILL. This is why he needs a manager. Preferably Raven, just because that would make no sense at all. Anyway, the annual CM Punk burial is now underway!
Umaga vs CM Punk
Punk starts off centering his offense with kicks, because that worked extremely well at the last pay per view where he fought a big angry monster fuck in Kane. Springboard something gets him slammed and beat on, with Umaga whipping him into adjacent turnbuckles. Adjacent isn't right. I mean fuck you, yes it is, and now adjacent is how history will remember those turnbuckles being, regardless of however much they weren't. NERVEHOLD but Punk gets a ropebreak instead of the usual nonsensical battling out, but Umaga punishes Punk's arm that grapped the ropes with his fat ass. He gets thrown into the ringpost and another nervehold follows up on the freshly injured shoulder. Punk tries the aforementioned violently jerking and battling out, but Umaga is too crafty for that shit and stays in control, getting a nearfall after a knee dorp dorp DORP. Punk seeks refuge on the apron where Umaga just kicks him off and into the barrier. Punk drags his b'gawd mangled carcass back up onto the apron and goes for a sunset flip on Umaga in the ring which goes about as well as you would expect it to go, that being horribly wrong. Umaga sits down on Punk twice, but Punk blocks it a third time because he is not retarded. He then tries to slam Umaga, making both himself and that last sentence look ridiculous as he is unable to successfully hoist up Umaga's big ass.
Umaga back in control until a flying headbutt misses, as does a charge and Punk sends him over and out before flying after him and taking him down. Back in he goes back to the kicking game, knowing that his boots give him an advantage over Umaga's bare feet. Or so he ignorantly assumes. Samoans, of course, have really hard feet in addition to craniums, both science and the Supreme Court have concluded this multiple times. Irish whip gets reversed, but Umaga (hungrily) eats boot as he charges an awaiting Punk. He tries again but Punk dodges and goes for the Pepsi One bulldog, but Umaga shoves him off and into the ADJACENT corner. Still correct. Punk dodges an ass slam and hits the bulldog for a nearfall. Springboard clothesline followup scores another two. The GTS being his last thus far unutilized move, he goes for it, but again he is too weak. Clearly, he has the problem, and not the big fat son of a bitch who apparently can't fit into shirts or shoes. No, it is Punk who is too small. Umaga then gets him int o GTS position, just to fuck with him I guess, before dropping him Samoan style for two. Spike misses and Punk starts in on a flurry of kicks before again going for the GTS and this time collapsing. Umaga sends him into a corner, hits the ass slam, and follows through with the Spike for the win.
Winner : Umaga
Well that was okay. It's good to see WWE didn't make me look like a fool by giving Punk the win there after I so confidently stated he was going to lose. Or maybe I added that part in after I saw the match. Except I didn't. And now, history will remember me as a prophet or some sort of pretty good guesser, unless history be's a fag and correctly deduce's that I'm lying. Anyway, IN THE BACK NOW with Chavo Guerrero telling Vickie that John Cena is cleared to wrestle tonight. Vickie then needlessly relays this information to Big Show who is right there, telling him his match is on. Big Show is worried that, what with Triple H and soon John Cena being gone, it will be bad for business, but Vickie says when Cena gets taken out someone else will replace him. Oh, God, really? Like is that for real what they're trying to do here? I just became a Big Show fan for the first time ever. Show says that he knows who will take Cena's place. The Brian Kendrick? I bet it's The Brian Kendrick. Edge enters now and Big Show cool ly greets him, but Edge sends him away by saying he needs to talk to his wife. Chavo awkwardly leaves next and Vickie avoids eye contact with a frazzled-looking Edge.
ECW TIME. Mark Henry seems like a pretty cool guy, and it's a shame no one's called him the n-word in a while, because I kind of miss him always being in ECW's title matches. I mean yeah, he's not great, and he wrestles pretty much the same match every time, but I don't know, he was mildly entertaining sometimes, even if he did always just kill everyone, it always at least seemed familiar, almost comforting. Why yes, I did start watching Raw around mid-2002, why do you ask?
Jack Swagger vs ECW Champion Christian, Title Match
They go back and forth to begin, with Christian soon leaving the ring and leading Swagger on a chase around ringside. He gets him back in the ring and tries for a military press but Christian counters with an Unprettier attempt that Swagger frantically lashes away from. Christian is like "This close, you silly bitch" and Swagger takes offense to being not quite called a silly bitch but you can tell that's what he meant and so he gets Christian in a waistlock, but Christian remembers spending ten minutes in that position during their last match and so breaks that shit off right the fuck away, so he just gets shoulder blocked down instead. Christina manages to dodge some charges from Jackie and sends him out and over and hits his through-the-rope kick upon his return that sent Swagger right back out. He flies out onto him from there and looks pretty awesome here. He rolls Swagger back in the ring, who knees Christian in the head as he was getting in and knocks him to the outside where JACK hurls him into the st eel ringpost before just standing on top of him. Nearfall back inside and Swaggerton continues with a body scissors, grabbing the ropes while the ref was busy repeatedly asking Christian if he's sure he doesn't want to submit because people tap out to that move all the time. The ever-resilient Christian, however, doesn't, and they continue to go back and forth.
Christian looks for an elbow on a standing Swagger, but Swagger gets him in running powerslam position and crushes him in the corner. Christian escapes a second one and Edgeomatic's him down for two. Christian with some more through the rope kicks on Swagger in the corner and goes for a frogsplash but Swagger rolls him up for two. More back and forth until Swagger takes Christian off the top with a super belly-to-belly for a nearfall, but Christian quickly rolls him up for two of his own. Sunset flip a la P unk-Umaga but it turns out the same, so Christian recovers and goes for a Tornado DDT that gets countered and recountered into an inverted DDT for two. Swagger then gets a nearfall grabbing Christian's tights, but the ref catches it, and from here they trade finisher attempts and reversals until Christian pulls down Swagger's tight straps and rolls Swagger up, grabbing his tights, for the pinfall.
Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Christian
Appropriate winner, considering the Pay Per View. I mean you can't have Kane out there winning matches tonight, that'd just be bad PR. I don't know what PR is. Anyway, good match, good finish to continue the feud, considering how Christian won the title.
IN THE BACK AGAIN Chavo is waiting by Vickie's door when Edge emerges. Chavo asks what's going on and Edge is like "I's talking to my wife, shit." Chavo keeps on though, saying how they're not living together, leading Edge to snap on Chavo for not standing up for Vickie when a cross dresser called her a pig and that he is an embarrassment before leaving because he has important shit to do. Those Mexicans and their domestic problems. Moving on.
Our next match is Shelton Benjamin taking on John Morrison here at Midcard Madness! So Morrison is now face and the World's Greatest Tag Team are reunited? I really need to watch Smackdown more. And by more I mean ever. Morrison gets a good bit of support here and Benjamin um doesn't. Really, I mean, I like Shelty well enough I guess, but, I don't know. Even when I play General Manager Mode I just can't seem to find anything to do with him, and I mean I took a Braden Walker CAW to a World Championship in be lievable fashion, 8.7 million computerized wrestling fans will tell you that. If they ever come out with "vanilla chocolate" ice cream flavor, Shelton Benjamin would probably be on the carton, I guess that is what I'm trying to say.
John Morrison vs Shelton Benjamin w/ Charlie Haas w/ Job?!
Benjamin hits a T-Bone suplex pretty much at the bell and goes for an armbar, breaking it soon with a kick to Morrison's ribs. Morrison soon gets to his feet and starts in with punches and Benjamin hauls outside the ring. Morrison looks to dive onto Benjamin so he flinches and bails like a bitch, but Morrison was just fucking with him. Upon his return, however, Morrison hits a crazy ass spinning dive that takes Benjamin down. Awesome. Mr. Nohjo Rison rolls Benji back in and goes up top but Chaas distracts h im, allowing Benjamin to crotch and kick Morrison off the turnbuckle and to the outside. Back in, Benjamin goes for a series of submission moves that never make anyone submit ever, with Morrison escaping each time only for the Shelton to remain in control. Morrison eventually reverses a sleeper hold and Benjamin shoves Morrison off into the ropes, butting heads upon his bounce back. They groggily rise for Morrison to reverse a back suplex into a nearfall. Morrison then hits a beautiful combo of low-impact m oves for another two.
Moonlight Drive gets reversed into a backbreaker, but Benjamin's followup charge sees him get kicked down for two. Morrison whips Benjamin into a corner but he grabs the ropes and jumps up to leapfrog him ; Morrison, however, makes him look dumb as hell with his springboard side kick. Hurricarana attempt sees Morrison get thrown off into a corner. Whip to the adjacent corner, prove it isn't, is reversed by the Back Door Man who then tries for a monkey flip, but Benjamin lands on his feet and looks like a ve lociraptor or something. I know it sounds stupid but I'm telling you. Anyway, Chaas needlessly gets on the apron here, but the Changeling knocks him out, barely dodging a big splash by Benjamin. Springboard Roadhouse Kick and the corkscrew moonsault finish him off.
Winner : John Morrison
Good match, Morrison especially shined, which is ironic because Shelton Benjamin is the Gold Standard. But he's black, so the closest thing he can do to shine is glisten while doing manual labor amirite iamaren'ti. Wrestlemania DVD. I hear they left Kid Rock off of it alltogether, so if that's a dealbreaker for anyone out there, you're welcome, and kill yourself.
THE MIZ is here now, and he wants to give props to the winner of the last match, Marty Jannetty! DIS. He says he's about to outshine Morrison, and not for the last time, even though I didn't know he even had a fucking match tonight. I mean yeah, that Morrison one took me by surprise too, but still. He gets WHATed down and he calls the live crowd ducks. He then starts in on Cena, calling him a pussy for not accepting his challenge, probably because every time he tries to Big Show beats him down really slowly and dramatically for twenty minutes, but nevertheless. He then compares Cena's loserishness to the Cubs because they're in Chicago tonight, and he turns his attention to some Cubs player who is in the front row. Miz says he can't see him and makes some baseball jokes I don't get because the athletes are far too clothed in that sport for me to properly enjoy it. Miz then challenges the guy to get in the ring with him as a Cena stand-in, but he's gotta take a phone call first. It's apparently the Cubs manage r or something and he tells more baseball jokes that I don't get. He then says the Cubs player forefits and thus making him 4-0 against Cena. Well allright then.
This brings Santino out who says he can't let "The Fizz" make fun of a fellow Italian in the Cubs player. He says he's noticed that some people in WWE look like animals, with Vickie being a pig, Vladimir Kozlov being an eagle or something, and Miz is a jackass. He haw's into the mic and Miz threatens to beat him down, leading Santino to hilariously say that he hope Miz brought his metal detector because he brought some guns before flexing. Miz gets in a cheap shot and they start brawling in the ring with th e crowd cheering for Santino. Miz however eventually hits a DDT and takes his leave. Chavo then comes down and frog splashes Santino, saying "Who's the pig now, huh?" I respect his loyalty, but it's still Vickie, man. I always thought of her more of a horsecow hybrid than an outright pig, but really comparing her to any of those farm animals is not a disagreeable stance.
TO THE BACK ONCE MORE for Josh Mathews taking on Chris Jericho in a war of words. Mathews wanted to know if Jericho thought there was a controversy against him, leading Jericho to correct Josh's retardation by claiming that it is more than a conspiracy, it is an ATTACK. He says he's been screwed out of two world title matches and that Rey is coasting by due to a bias GM and us sycophants and hypocrites and bilderbergers. He ends by saying there'll be a new Intercontinental Champion and there won't be any 69 tonight. Maybe not on THIS pay per view channel. And by pay per view channel I mean website. Same connotation, one just makes me sound less poor.
Chris Jericho vs Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio, Title Match
Rey immediately trips Jericho up into the ropes and goes for a 619, but Jericho leaves the ring before getting back in to kill Rey a little bit before throwing him out of the ring. He follows but Rey slips past him back inside, keeping him out with a baseball slide. Dive from the apron onto Jericho but a whip is reversed and Rey gets slammed into the barrier. Back in Jericho remains in control, blocking most of Rey's flying shit and sending him off the turnbuckle and back to the floor with a springboard dro pkick. He drops Mysterio on the crowd barrier before sending him back in and getting a splash from the apron for a nearfall. Rey escapes an arm hold and again sends Jericho into 619 position by way of an enziguri, but Y2J backbodydropped Rey who lands on his leg weird. He scampers to the outside, sniveling, but Jericho yanks him back up on the apron. Rey reverses a suplex back into the ring but Jericho gets him up in a torture rack before dropping down and breaking Rey across his shoulders.
He continues destroying Rey before putting him on a turnbuckle and trying to yank off his mask so all of his supporters will realize just how comical looking the guy they're cheering really is. Rey, realizing this would probably cause all his merchandise sales to plummet, is quickly revitalized and knocks Jericho down before hitting a senton from the top. He's doing it for all his little homies in the Barrio. So they'll continue to pay for his house that's nowhere near the fucking Barrio. West Coast Pop or something gets a nearfall and a nice series of reversals eventually sees Rey end up in the Walls of Jericho, but he stops that before it can start and charges, but Jericho catches him with a tiltawhirl backbreaker for a nearfall. Headscissors soon sends Jericho into the 619 setup AGAIN, but Jericho again dodges and catches a Rey headscissors attempt, leading to another Walls of Jericho attempt that leads to yet another 619 attempt. This time Jericho waited for the kick and caught it, dragging Rey into the W alls. He almost reaches the ropes, but Jericho hurriedly drags him back into the middle of the ring, leading to Rey scooping up Jericho into a rollup for two. Hurricarana is turned into a powerbomb by Jericho for a nearfall of his own. Slap across the back of the mask gets Rey angry and he trips up Jericho as he was charging him in the corner, sending him into 619 position in a turnbuckle. The 619 connects and a springboard splash seals it.
Winner and STILL Champion : Rey Mysterio
Really good match. If Jericho wasn't already a seven-time Intercontinental Champion and, what, five-time World Champion, and if I hadn't already seen Rey sans mask, I might actually be looking forward to this feud. Batista-Orton is up next.
Batista vs WWE Champion Randy OrtonRight at the bell Orton leaves the ring as the announcers point out Batista has some stitches on his eyebrow. They say that Batista got in some sort of fight this weekend and that Orton might have had something to do with it. Why even bother saying that? I mean the guy's done so much already, what's a fight over the weekend that no one saw really going to add? Also, seriously, I would love to see Batista in a real-life fight. I mean really, all this wrestling stuff aside, he would fucking kill somebody. Ort on slips back in and slaps Batista in a headlock because he's Randy Orton and that's just what he does. He shoves Teest off into the ropes only to get shoulderblocked down upon his return. Orton leaves the ring again. Okay, this is going to suck. The match then proceeds to suck. Batista generally keeps Orton down until THE VIPER grabs his tights from the ground and sends him through the ropes. He gets up on the apron but Orton dropkicks his shit right back down before going out and slamming his back on top of the barrier. More slow suckitude back in the ring. I don't know if it's inherently bad, or if it's just that I don't care for the storyline, or if it's just the guys involved, but this is basically like Orton's Wrestlemania match.
Anyway, they go back and forth, with Batista hitting some power moves and Orton getting in cheap shots and chinlocks. Elevated DDT on Batista seemingly out of nowhere scores a nearfall for Orton. He looks for the RKO, then backs off and seems to be setting Batista up for a soccer punt, but THE ANIMAL catches him with a spear. More of his POWER GAME and Orton eventually just says fuck it and rolls out, telling the ref to start counting. Batista isn't having any of that though and wears his ass out ringside. Orton flees and Batista gives chase, with Orton eventually grabbing onto a ringpost, wanting the countout. Batista eventually gets him back in where Orton continues to take an ass beating and so he rolls out again. He guillotines Batista on the ropes and grabs a chair, but Batista meets him on the apron and knocks it to the floor. Back in Teest grounds Orton with a shoulder block from the top and a Batista Bomb attempt, but Randall again seeks comfort on the outside, grabbing his belt and walking up the ram p. WALKING. Batista, not being a quadripalegic, catches up to him and brings him back into the ring. Belt shot misses and Orton gets his spine busted, narrowly dodging a Batista Bomb. RKO is also nilled, as is a spear, the latter of which saw Batista's shoulder get fucked up against the ringpost. Another RKO is thwarted and Batista grabs Orton angrily, so Orton just slaps the ref, getting himself disqualified and retaining the title.
Winner but NOT WWE Champion : Batista
Post-match Priceless enter and lay into Batista, but Ric Flair's music hits and he runs down. He single-handedly takes on Legacy because, as we can all but infer between this and how they fared against the McMahons, elderly people seem to be their weakness. Batista recovers and the former World Tag Team Champions take out the other former World Tag Team Champions and the current WWE Champion in a totally believable battle that sees Orton get a Batista Bomb. Legacy limp away and Flair and Batista share a ten der moment as Orton, Rhodes, and Dibiase eye them furiously. All of that was pretty boring and I don't give a shit about Ric Flair, I'm not gonna lie to you. Big Show-Cena recap. The announcers continue to reiterate that John Cena is despite him being medically cleared to wrestle, meaning one of two things : He will lose tonight, attack Big Show tomorrow, and win the probably-stipulated rematch, or he will overcome the odds and win tonight, Big Show will attack him tomorrow, and win the probably-stipulated rematch. LET'S GO.
John Cena vs Big Show
Cena starts off backing into a corner away from Big Show. "REGRET NOTHING AND FEAR LESS. Except ass beatings and the people who gave them to you." Big Show laughs on as Cena rolls away, wincing in pain and clutching his side. Show eventually gets him and lays into him with a few well-placed punches, just fucking with him. Cena starts his early power-up but he careens off of Big Show after a shoulder block attempt. He then stands on Cena's stomach before slamming him, but Cena wormed out of another slam atte mpt and got in a few punches before just getting slammed for a nearfall. Show fakes being impressed that Cena kicked out. He goes for a very needless running boot but Cena dodged, only to get tossed over the top rope by Show as he tried a follow up charge. Show then rammed him into a ringpost before rolling him back in the ring. This is pretty awesome. Cena escapes the camel clutch setup and tries for a bulldog but Show just propels him onward. Cena soon gets an opening and lunged at show from the second ro pe, but TBS caught him in an extended bearhug that saw Cena eventually turn 180 degrees before Show just headbutted him in the back. This should be really boring but I don't know, they're actually making Cena dying before rising up from the ashes spry as can be look believable this time.
Big Show ass slam on Cena in the corner before being whipped to the adjacent turnbuckle. I seriously have got to learn the right word for that. The across turnbuckle? Oh, opposite! Shit. I knew that too, I've used it before and everything. Goddamnit. I should just go edit all the places I incorrectly used "adjacent" now but just no. Anyway, yeah, by this point Big Show tried for a big splash but Cena dodged and Show ate turnbuckle, and just as he got done wiping his mouth he got caught with some Cena punche s. Chop block brings THE BIG MAN down and he connects with the Throwback. Five Knuckle Shuffle is successful. This is ridiculous. Show grabs at Cena but gets DDT'd back down and Cena tries for the STF but that's like applying it to a refridgerator, with frying pans soldered on the sides, and a typewriter fastened on top of the unit, and so Cena gets shoved off and clotheslined down.
Big Show goes up for a Banzai Drop that connects for like the first time ever except not literally because it has a name and stuff. Anyway, Cena kicks out at two and everybody makes it out to be this huge deal. A second Banzai Drop of course misses as Big Show lands on his ass. Another STFU attempt fails again, and a third time moments later. All this failure leads to an Alley Oop Powerbomb by Big Show (Thank you Smackdown vs Raw Create-A-Wrestler for that move's name). Big Show signals that he is gea ring up for the KO Punch. He swings but Cena ducks before lifting Big Show up and connecting with the Attitude Adjustment for the win. What.
Winner : John Cena
That was terrible, nothing about that match made sense. So John Cena is already hurt beforehand, then gets beat up during the match for like ten minutes straight, then is suddenly able to quickly lift the 500 pound guy up and slam him without effort? I mean, okay, Cena is Christ, we already knew that. This whole feud is pointless. Post-match, Cena gives a YOU CAN'T SEE ME with the Italian Cub player from earlier, I guess to give the Cubs hope or something, I don't know. Cena then leaves all confident and sh it. Oh my God. Hardy-Edge now.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs Jeff Hardy
Hardy and Edge are all intense pissed off at eachother for some reason, I don't know. I didn't watch their little video package, but I imagine it was all old footage anyway since the last pay per view was like not even three weeks ago and they were both feuding with completely different people up until then. Anyway, they keep it basic for a good portion of the early match, mainly seeing armdrags. Hardy backbodydrops Edge over the top rope and mulekicks him off the apron before diving out onto him. Standard Jeff Hardy fare continues with a Whisper in the Wind that misses and Edge whips Hardy into a corner before spearing him in the back, sending him outside. Back in he continues working over Hardy's back for a long while until Hardy breaks a submission move Smackdown vs Raw didn't teach me the name of and looks for a Twist of Fate, but Edge stops it and slams Hardy down for a nearfall. Hardy gets a brief flurry of his signature spots before going for a top rope crossbody that misses, but he recovers and hits a nother series of signature moves. Double leg drop and corner kick and all that. He then Irish whips Edge and then following him, sliding under his legs and to the outside where he trips Edge and hits the crossbody for two. Hardy follows up by dropkicking air before locking Edge in a Sharpshooter that ends in a rope break, but a Twist of Fate scores a nearfall for Jeff.
A little later, a top rope battle sees Hardy score a huge sunset flip pin for two. Edge rolls out to the apron to doge the corner kick, but Hardy just turns and completes the move anyway, knocking Edge out to the floor and making the move hurt worse then it would have had he just stayed there and took it. Hardy follows out and tears away the black padding on the crowd barrier before slamming Edge into it. Next he lays Edge out on the announce table and looks to run along the barrier and onto Edge, but Edge gets up as Hardy was running and catches him in mid-jump with a spear that puts his ass down for a nine count. Edge tries to spear Jeff off the apron but he moves and Twists Edge's Fate from the apron, guillotining his neck on the rope. Legdrop from the apron scores two, as does a Whisper in the Wind and Edge rolls out. Hardy follows and jumps off the steps onto Edge, dumping both of them over the barrier into the crowd. Edge gets tossed back over, but out of nowhere Matt Hardy runs up behind him and nails him in the head with his cast. He then hides behind the barrier as Edge takes control, rolling Jeff in for two. Spear misses and Edge collides with the turnbuckle. Hardy goes up for the Swanton but is "concussed" from his brother's cheap shot and crotches himself on the turnbuckle. Edge then gives a super Edgecution from the top for the pinfall.
Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion : Edge.
Definitely the best match of the night, but the second title match to end with bullshittery. I guess we have more Hardy-Hardy to look forward to, and by that I mean we get to see Matt Hardy continually beat Jeff Hardy until he signs a new contract or his current one expires. Or maybe they'll just assume nobody knows and try a Loser Leaves WWE Match. The point is, good match. Hardy sells the head injury post-match with random important-looking people hugging up to him.
Okay, so. I've gotta say, I liked the more than usual amount of matches, and I like the allowance of midcard guys to get Pay Per View length matches, all of which made everyone involved look good. Well, except Punk, but that is to be expected. I barely even noticed that every match was a non-gimmicked singles match with very little build and that nothing really happened in the way of storyline developments. And no, Ric Flair chopping people is not a big deal. But basically, most of the matches were decent, with a couple being very good, there were zero diva matches, and only one really terrible bullshit finish. I can't complain. Just ignore all the times I did anyway. Yeah. END SHOW.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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