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WWE 
JUDGMENT DAY
2008
(05/18/08)
 
***Sean Carless' Edit: For those wondering, yours me'ly is still in the process of ironing out who will indeed be our next TWF PPV Recapper-- i.e., I still haven't read all the entries yet, and well, that's it. So, ya, no one forgot about you or your entry. Despite a lot of trying! Ahem. I kid. Truth is, it's still a work in progress. The big announcement is forthcoming. Eventually. Maybe. However, in the interim, until we find that perfect person, who is both witty  and informative, or either, various Staff members will be taking turns. Stay tuned!
 
Hi there, PPV enthusiasts~! I'm your esteemed hostess, Catherine Perez. Welcome, heathens, to Judgment Day! Now, I'm not entirely educated in the teachings of our Lord, but something tells me that God's idea of unleashing his wrath on said heathens didn't exactly include another fucking Cena/JBL match. Fortunately, God decided to punish sinners on Comedy Central instead, with the premiere of Carlos Mencia's new stand-up special (which probably was taped in late 2001 considering he's still using "Bush is a retard" jokes), so I think we're going to be safe this year around. Starting a PPV rant off with a cheap shot at Mencia's expense for the lose win!

And we are LIVE from the Qwest Center in Omaha, Nebraska - home of... um... Mickey Rooney~! And apparently the elixir of life considering how old that guy is. Anyway, neither prayers nor vitamins can save you now, nonbelievers! I still can't believe Hogan lied to me.

After a video highlight package and the necessary pyro and ballyhoo, Jim Ross welcomes us to the 10th Judgment Day. Christ, those are a lot of false alarms. This year's curtain jerkers?

JBL vs. John Cena (?!?!)

J.R. tells us that Cena is 4-0 at Judgment Day. To me, that's like saying you're really good at shooting golf balls out of your taint. Or something... Anyway, Jibble gets his usual heat, and Cena gets his huge pop. JBL and Cena lock up and Cena pushes JBL into a corner. The ref calls for a break and a stare-down follows. We've got some headlocks from both Cena and Jibble. Cena goes for a drop toe hold and goes for the STF. JBL breaks out with a rope break, and ends up smashing Cena's left shoulder into the ring post, and as expected, he basically focuses his attention on it. Cena's basically selling the weakened shoulder. Jibble goes for a top wristlock, and Cena gets a boot to the gut as he tries to reverse the hold. Tonight, we witness the debut of John Bradshaw Layfield, MMA star, with a cross armbar. Somewhere, Brock Lesnar frantically calls Vince. Jibble goes for the first cover of the night, and only gets a 2. Cena busts out some of his patented clotheslines. Cena misses a top rope Fameasser~! If you're not confident in the abilities of your ass, just don't ever try the Fameasser. I'm serious. Should Vince ever wrestle another match, he should adopt this move as his own, if only to make his bouts that much more interesting. Jibble seems to be going for every near-fall in this match so far. Cena goes for an FU attempt, but JBL manages to escape. Cena eats another kick to the face and finds himself in a chinlock. Cena works his way out and delivers a Spinebuster. Quite a lot of gimmick infringement tonight. Both men get to their feet and trade shots. Cena's suddenly ON FIRE~! In the words of Susan Saint James, "UH-OH!" JBL misses a clothesline and falls into an F-U and the winning pin. And that's all she wrote.

WINNER: John Cena

And keeping with the theme of Judgment Day, this year's rating system will be the star of Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Ahhhhnuld Schwarzenegger. Sometimes I feel like the only person who can spell Schwarzenegger without consulting IMDB.



Post-match, we see William Regal sitting in a luxury box in the arena. Michael Cole and Mick Foley tell the fans to text message their votes on who will win the Undertaker/Edge bout. Mike Adamle and Tazz take over commentating, which obviously means that our ECW... WWE Tag Team Title match is up next! Here's WWE.com's Dirt Sheet for those who don't care to click on the site's video link ever. Mizanin and Morrison impersonate CM Punk and Kane for their own amusement.

John Morrison and Mike "The Miz" Mizanin vs. ECW World Champion Kane and CM Punk for the ECW... WWE Tag Team Titles! Lord.

We get special occasion ring announcing from Tony Chimel, making this special announcing that much less special. Mizanin and Punk start off the match. Punk starts off with a side headlock. Aw, not again. Was that voted as the Move of the Year in WWE Magazine or something? Punk delivers a shoulder block and a snap suplex, then goes for the cover. After the near-fall, Punk locks Mizanin in a Butterfly lock and tags Kane in. They both boot the hell out of Mizanin in the corner. Now there's something I should add to my list of things to do before I die. Kane feeds Mizanin another boot and slams him onto the mat. Mizanin finally gets an Irish whip and a back elbow in before rushing Kane to the corner and tagging Morrison in. Kane slams Morrison to the mat as well, and executes a basement dropkick. Seriously? Kane? Dropkicking? Amazing. Kane goes for the cover, but Morrison kicks out at 2. Punk tags in and gets some offense in against Morrison before covering for 2. Morrison whips Punk into a corner, but Punk gets Morrison into this crazy octopus hold on the ropes before a roll-up for another 2-count. Mizanin tags in again and he and Morrison execute a double gut buster on Punk. Another 2-count. Punk tags Kane in again, and Mizanin gets beaten down. We get a top turnbuckle clothesline and a Tombstone attempt, but Mizanin reverses it. Morrison gets the blind tag in and gets a neck breaker on Kane. Why am I putting so much effort into this match? Yeah, so, Kane accidentally distracts the ref, chokeslamming Mizanin on the outside. Morrison goes for the Moonlight Drive on Punk for the win.

WINNERS: John Morrison and Mike Mizanin, and everyone who's tired of Adamle tonight.



We get a plug for Rambo, NOW ON BLU-RAY~! Um, okay. Thanks for the heads up, WWE. J.R. and Jerry Lawler take over for commentating, and they plug the HBK-Y2J feud, which I shall now lovingly refer to as the HBY2KJ Feud. Fantastic.

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

I'm pretty confident that this match should be a good one, even if it isn't an Intercontinental Championship bout. The bell rings and Michaels and Jericho start off this intense bout with... A STARE-DOWN! Jericho goes after Michaels' leg, but HBK's not having any of that shit. We go back to a lock-up into a side headlock on Jericho. This must be some kind of indication of winning a match (unless your name starts with C and ends with M Punk), I'm sure of it. Michaels is playing up this smug and cocky attitude. The crowd is largely behind Michaels tonight regardless of the fact. Shawn Michaels can do no wrong, people. I remember saying the same thing about a certain guy who never existed, though. Not that I'm implying anything. Jericho counters out of the headlock but is flipped over into a cover. We get covers back and forth from both guys. I can't complain here; all I want out of WWE is to hold Jericho on a higher level than fucking Snitsky or the Highlanders, and a feud with Shawn Michaels is definitely what Jericho's been needing. J.R. tells us that we can never predict what Michaels is going to do. For example, Michaels just slapped Jericho. Jericho goes nuts, and what would any guy do after he's been slapped? Why, lock up with the slapper, of course! Michaels goes for another side headlock. At this point, I'm pretty sure of the meaning of headlocks. Jericho counters out and lands some right hands on HBK's face. Michaels is whipped into the ropes, but counters with a hold on Y2J's arm. After an arm bar takeover and an arm breaker, Michaels continues to work on Jericho's shoulder. Jericho whips Michaels into the corner with such force that Michaels is now hanging upside-down. Later on, Jericho goes for a suplex, but Michaels fights his way out of it and sends Jericho to the mat. HBK goes for an off-the-top elbow drop, but Jericho raises his knees to block it. Jericho works on HBK's ribs and delivers a suplex. Jericho looks to have the upper hand until HBK hits some chops. Jericho counters and locks Michaels into the Walls of Jericho. HBK gets to the ropes and rolls onto the apron. Jericho eventually eats a superkick on the apron and falls to the outside. The ref starts a 10-count. Michaels is kind enough to head out of the ring and roll Jericho back in. He pulls Jericho to the center of the ring and goes for the cover, but Y2J kicks out at 2. HBK delivers a top-rope elbow and heads to the corner to tune up the band (why is this band always so fucking unprepared?) as he sells a rib injury. Jericho gets to his feet but falls back down to a chorus of boos. After a couple more superkick attempts, Jericho hits a Code Breaker, and both guys are down on the mat. The ref starts up a 10-count on both of them. Michaels kicks out of the cover and locks in a crossface. Anyone into the theory of demonic possession? Just saying. The crowd is getting hot as Jericho struggles to get to the ropes. Eventually he does, but Michaels goes for another crossface. Jericho counters and drops Michaels on the ropes. Jericho sets Michaels up in the middle of the ring. He goes for the Lionsault, but Michaels gets his knees up, BUT~! Jericho counters with a Walls of Jericho attempt. HBK gets a roll-up out of nowhere for the win. How anti-climactic.

WINNER: Shawn Michaels

Post-match, Michaels heads out of the ring as Jericho stares at him. Michaels returns to the ring and the two shake hands. Awww. Very fun match, and I'm actually glad there was no heel turn, especially from Jericho.



Backstage, Todd Grisham asks Mickie James about her triple-threat title match and going out with Cena last Monday after Raw. Mickie laments the fact that Cena hasn't called back in three days. JBL chases Mickie off so he can have this segment to himself. Why not ask him about Cena, Jibble asks. Grisham reminds JBL of his loss, and, well, JBL does what he does best (that being put me to sleep).

Mickie James (c) vs. Melina vs. Beth Phoenix for the WWE Women's Championship

Here's some footage of Beth Phoenix and Melina brawling on Raw! Hilarious stuff. We also get more special occasion ring announcing! The girls circle each other, and Beth lets Melina know that her ass needs to leave the ring. Melina kicks Beth in the gut and Mickie rolls her up for a 2-count. This ends up being a very short match, as usual, with the biggest spot of the match going to Beth after she loads both Mickie and Melina over her shoulders and delivers a double Canadian backbreaker. Dear Christ! Eventually, Melina delivers a neck breaker on Beth and Mickie delivers a DDT on Melina and covers her for the 3-count.

Winner: Mickie James



We go TO THE BACK, where HBK is removing his knee brace. Oh Lord, it's BIG DAVE BATISTA~! Batista told HBK if he was lying about the knee, he'd hurt him. Dave'll decide when to hurt to him, but he will hurt him. A big round of applause for going through an entire segment without uttering the words "kick", "your", or "ASS~!"

Undertaker won WWE's text poll with 85% over Edge's 15%. Are there a lot of Taker marks voting tonight, or are we in for the most predictable match ever? Foley would've voted, but he says he doesn't know how to text. You've gotta be incredibly inept to not understand texting when WWE is doing everything short of handing you an instruction manual to get us to vote. They'd hack all our cell phones and vote from them if they could. We're shown a video package highlighting the vacating of the World Heavyweight Championship and the Edge/Taker feud so far.

Edge vs. The Undertaker for the Vacant~! World Heavyweight Championship title

Hey~! More special occasion ring announcing! It's almost as if the occasion is no longer special. Undertaker is positively orange tonight, another indication of predictability considering he's channeling Hulk Hogan. Michael Cole reminds us that Taker's Wake-Me-Up-Before-You-Gogoplata is banned. Undertaker targets Edge's left arm and shoulder early into the match. Taker attempts the top rope walk, but Edge knocks him off. Edge rams Taker's knee into the ring post. Taker chokeslams Edge into the turnbuckle for his troubles. He connects with the Old School. The Edgeheads (uh... Curt Not Major and The Other Guy Not Major) run out to distract the referee. Edge pulls off the top turnbuckle padding in the meantime. Edge gets some Snake Eyes into the exposed steel. Edge goes for a Spear, and Undertaker kicks out of the pin. Undertaker chokeslams Edge again, but Edgeward kicks out of that pin attempt. The action spills onto the outside, and Undertaker clotheslines Edge... and himself... over the guard rail. The ref counts Edge out as Taker returns to the ring for the win. As Taker gets his title belt, Vickie Guerrero is wheeled out, interrupting the win announcement. She tells us that everyone knows championships can only be won by pinfall or submission, and the title will remain vacant. Taker throws the belt down and kicks Edge's ass some more. Poor Edge eats a Tombstone pizza piledriver as Vickie gets to her feet and calls Taker a son of a bitch. The fans are pretty much shitting on Vickie, chanting "Vickie sucks!" The Edgeheads help Edge to the back as Undertaker lays the title belt on the mat. Congrats to Undertaker for going the whole match without using the Whiskey-a-Gogoplata.

WINNER: I'd say Undertaker, but it kind of feels like nobody won here.



Here's a promo for the third... or fourth... WWE One Night Stand, the dirty whore~! The tainted beef of pay-per-views! The number one pay-per-view event amongst disgraced government perverts! The pay-per-view that Ashley Massaro is leary of! Oh, and we get a shot of the arena.

Backstage, Randy Orton talks about beating everyone there is to beat, including Triple H. He basically calls Trips lucky. Tonight is truly Judgment Day, and he will regain his title. Zzzzz... huh? What?

MVP makes his way to the ring wearing a lovely green Breathe Right strip. He says that, as the highest-paid talent in WWE and the longest-reigning former U.S. title champ, it's not good business to be left off the show. He challenges anyone to come out and wrestle him. Matt Hardy makes his way out with the U.S. title belt. He says he's already proven to be better than MVP, but tonight someone else will prove it as well. Cue Jeff Hardy~! It was either this or Big Show vs. Mark Henry, so I'm damn happy with the decision regardless of my less-than-kind opinions of Jeff.

MVP vs. Jeff Hardy

Michael Cole calls this a brand vs. brand showdown. Thanks for that important tidbit, Cole. Hardy goes to work on MVP as Foley mentions Hardy's house burning down. While this seems like a dream match of sorts among some WWE fans, this match is going quite sluggishly. Hardy locks in a hammerlock. MVP is sent to the outside and drags Hardy with him after Hardy couldn't connect with a kick. Back in the ring, MVP goes for the pin, but Hardy kicks out at 2. MVP gets an arm bar on Hardy. Hardy tries some elbows, but MVP counters, sending Hardy to the mat. MVP kicks Hardy in the chest and scoop slams him before locking in another submission hold. Hardy counters, but MVP stomps at him and goes for an arm drag DDT. MVP continues to beat Hardy up as the crowd exudes quite a bit of apathy. MVP kicks Hardy in the shoulder, picks him up, and drops him back onto the mat before sending Hardy to the outside. MVP rolls Hardy back into the ring and gets a near fall. Hardy's left arm is worked on. As Hardy gets to his feet, MVP bounces his head off of his knee. MVP goes for the Playmaker but Hardy counters. The two exchange right hands, and Hardy hits a clothesline. Hardy goes for a Swanton Bomb, but he misses~! MVP picks him up and goes for a Kawada Kick. Hardy counters and goes for the Whisper in the Wind for the win. Not the most memorable match, but considering it's not Mark Henry vs. Big Show...

Winner: Jeff Hardy



Let's check up on William Regal over at his fancy box! Great. Now here's Sylvester Stallone to tell us about Rambo. What needs to be said other than "Rambo big. Rambo kick ass. You like big. You like ass-kickery. You buy Rambo, and Rambo not kill you."? That's just how I hear Stallone in my head, too. We get a highlight package of the Orton/Trips feud.

Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Championship inside a STEEL MUH'FUCKIN' CAAAAGE~!

As always, pinfall, submission, or escaping the cage are the only ways to win. This match is being fought under no-DQ rules. Orton's out to his terrible new song. Before the start of the match, Trips climbs to the top of the cage and sits there with his belt. Christ, somebody's a bit overprotective tonight. J.R. mentions Bruno Sammartino winning the WWE title 45 years ago from Buddy Rogers. The bell rings, and Orton tries to escape through the cage door before it's closed. Trips goes after him, but his head is slammed into the door as the ref closes it. Orton eats some cage as well. Trips delivers a swinging neckbreaker on Orton and goes for the pin. Orton kicks out at 2. Trips doesn't miss a beat and follows up with right hands and knees Orton's forehead. Orton begins to use the cage to his advantage. He's already bleeding from his mouth, too. Good thing that's not Bob Orton in there. Orton delivers a DDT, and the crowd boos as he wipes the blood from his lip. After a stiff right hand from Orton, he goes for a failed cover.

Orton locks a submission hold around H's neck. H tries to power out with some right hands, but Orton counters with a powerslam off the ropes into a near-fall. Orton stomps on Trips' ankle and thigh. William Regal's shown watching the match. Are the cameras trying to catch him picking his nose or something? Orton drops a knee onto Hunter and goes for the pin. H kicks out at 2. Trips gets in a couple of chop blocks and locks in the Figure Four leglock. After a while, Orton makes it to the ropes, and the ref starts to count to five. Um, okay... Orton goes for the RKO, but Trips blocks it. Orton gains the upper hand. He crawls to the door and manages to get halfway out before Trips grabs him and drags him back in. Orton brings a chair into the ring and eats a kick from Trips. Orton drops the chair after H delivers some right hands. Trips goes for a facebuster and a pin. Another two count. Trips picks the chair up but is low-blowed by Orton. It's a move Orton knows all too well. Orton hits a DDT on Trips onto the chair and starts doing his psycho hobo stalker thing. He goes for the RKO onto the chair, but Trips counters and hits a drop toe hold onto the chair. Trips drapes an arm over Orton for a 2-count.

Orton climbs the cage and Trips grabs Orton's trunks. Orton's bare ass is exposed for all to see, and the camera shifts to a different shot. See, I knew God wasn't going to be so wrathful tonight. Trips throws Orton onto the mat hard. Orton and H fight on the top rope, and Trips falls onto the mat as Orton leaps to the top of the cage. Triple H pulls Orton back into the cage and sets him up for the Pedigree off the top rope. I'm guessing that CM Punk's sitting in the back saying "Heeeeey!" Orton knocks Trips back onto the mat and starts climbing down the other side of the cage. Trips climbs to the top and pulls Orton back in. Once again, Trips is tossed onto his back. H gets up and delivers a low blow onto Orton, who sits at the top turnbuckle. Orton's balls are just about ready to quit WWE. Both guys play up the fact that they're way tired, but Trips hits a Spinebuster on Orton and sets the chair in the center of the ring. He goes for a Pedigree onto the chair, but Orton counters and drops Hunter onto it instead. Orton goes for his Kick of Concussiony Goodness but Trips gets a chair shot and a Pedigree in. Trips goes for the cover and gets the 1-2-3!

WINNER: Triple H~!



So, yeah, no title changes at all. You know why? We've got another PPV in two weeks! WWE's going extreeeeeeeemely shitty, and if you want to see potential title changes, you'd better fork over yet another $40. Leave it to the whorish One Night Stand to charge you top dollar for essentially the same services. Anyway, I'd say that this year's show is deserving of a thumbs up; I mean, we got Jericho and Michaels, we got a steel cage match, and we got Mark Henry vs. Big Show getting 86'd faster than you could say "Holy shit, the catering's here!"

And since I just brought you guys a 4-hour writing effort, I'd like to take this time to shamelessly promote my Send Catherine to Wrestlemania 25 or Get Cancer of the Cock Donation Fund. In case you haven't heard, I'm slowly but surely raising money to head to Texas for Wrestlemania next year, and I need your help to get to the total amount. You can send however much you feel like sending via PayPal, whether it's 50 cents or 2 dollars or whatever. What's in it for you? A spiffy Wrestlemania Weekend column from yours truly that's sure to rock your face off (complete with pictures if they allow cameras and such). So, seriously, donate whatever you can, 'cause I'd appreciate it forever.





I'm Catherine Perez, and this has been your Judgment Day Rant.
 
 
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).