Well, well, well. Look what the Canadian dragged in. Yes, that’s right, ol’ man Carless decided that my retirement needed to be cut short so I may recant you with the illustrious tales of this unfathomably glorious PPV, where I’ll get to see such splendoriffic sights as Cena OVERCOMING THE OMG ODDS against the OMG GIANT KHALI. Bitter? No sir. I’m pissing my very pants with excitement.

Anyways, what we got here…man, I gotta be honest, I’ve been almost completely out of the wrestling loop as of late (Which isn’t so much of a confession as it is a proud proclamation) but hey, at least it’s not changed that much since I left it-…what? Scotty 2 Hotty got fired? Holy mother of GOD this truly IS Judgement Day! This can only mean one thing. RAPE AND RACIST JOKES. In that order. In fact, that’s what my ratings system will be. No need to explain, you’ll understand once you see it. 

HAIR VS LACK THEREOF - CARLITO VS. RIC FLAIR

Okie doke, should be a goodun. Textbook beginnings with the usual lock up here, chops there and here again, then Carlito hit’s a sunset flip, but gets countered with some mounted strikes by Flair. I’m sorry but realistically, once Ric Flair squats down above you to punch you in the head, you’d fucking quit right there and then.

After Carlito flees to the outside where Flair follows, only to get his arm jacked on the top rope, which leads to Carlito working the arm for the duration of the match. Because of course Flair would otherwise be invincible if he had his arm strength. Some back and forth action going on, with Carlito throwing in hammerlocks and the like, but Flair works his way back to his feet and gets some more corner chops in, only to be grounded by the dreaded ‘working the arm’ strategy. If only wars were waged this way. We wouldn’t have had to go to such limits as hanging Saddam, we could have just…you know, aggravated his leg for a bit. Then hit it with a chair. Then posed above his prone body. Then hanged him.

Carlito’s now on the outside again, smashing Flair’s arm against the post, then hit’s a nice looking dropkick on the arm against the post. Man, WWE is REALLY insistent on selling the dropkick like it was fucking Pearl Harbour. Heh. Americans died.

Cover on Flair for 2, then Flair recovers briefly to exchange chops with Carlito’s punches, but is downed again by the arm work. An arm bar later and Carlito is back in control. Flair gets to his knees whilst in the hold but gets raked in the eyes, then fights back with more. Fucking. Chops. Dude, we GET IT. You can slap a man’s bare chest, big whoop, try something less kinky. Carlito eventually gets a snap mare in then the armbar once more, but Flair was ready to counter and hits a hip toss, but then gets hit by a DEVESTATING NUCLEAR DROPKICK. Cover for 2. Huh. Ugh, for fuck sake, you see where this shit is going now.

Chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, chops, stomps, lefts, armbar, whoopdee shit.

Eventually, Flair gets a rake to the eyes again but counters by locking in the Figure Four, and Carlito taps. How uneventful.

Winner: Ric Flair, everyone backstage who hates Carlito

What did I gain from this match? - I wish I could have had more enthusiasm about that match but Jesus on a tadpole bake sale that was some formulaic DULL shit considering who you have in there. Bah. I give it 2 Niggas.

Hey, it’s cool, trust me. I’m black you know.

HBK is backstage now with Tard Grisham, and rambles on about getting attacked by Orton. Hey, seeing HBK reminds me of the new DX merch that just came out. Check this shit out. A motherfucking DX Jew cap. Made me wonder, you know, what if HBK turned out Jewish instead of a born again bible basher? I know for a fact his wedding would be a sight to behold. Picture it. He stomps on the bottle to seal the deal…then another stomp…then another…another…BAM. Bride gets KO’d. Best conceivable start to a marriage. Although I guess ‘Hanukah Break Kid’ doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Anyways, we’re onto the ECW title match now. Speaking of ECW, I was intrigued to hear that some ECW Originals had been released. Whereas RVD was kind of expected, I must be the only guy who understands the real reason why Sabu got the shaft. Think about it. He’s foreign. He’s homicidal, suicidal, and genocidal. Remind you of anyone? You damn right.

HANDICAP MATCH - BOBBY LASHLEY VS. VINCE, SHANE MCMAHON AND UMAGA - ECW TITLE

Way to suck up to the African american audience. We won’t beso easily fooled by your thinly veiled attempts to make it look as though WWE cares about black people! Wait, am I still black? Or am I muslim again? Maybe I should try German…I always wondered what ‘Scat’ porn was. Either way. Fuck white people.

Anyways, match starts off quickly and…ends quickly too. Wow. Lashley starts by getting rid of Umaga by way of tossing him out the ring then taking on the McMahons, who seem to argue and make up at the same rate as two 7 year old girls for fuck sake. Lashley tries to get at Vince but keeps getting slowed down by Shane’s attacks, which Lashley brushes off CUZ HE’S ALL BIG N STUFF. Umaga charges at Lashley but the big ol’ Battletoad moves outta the way and Shane gets creamed. Lashley CHUCKS THE SPEAR to Umaga, then power slams Shane for the win.

Winner and new ECW Champ: Lashley

What did I gain from this match: Holy shit, didja hear?! Lashley overcame the odds again! NO ONE expected it this time! I am sincerely intrigued by this unpredictable turn of events and therefore shall be tuning into ECW Tuesday nights to catch the extreme action right there, only on ECW [/Conversation that WWE expects fans to be having tomorrow] I give it a Muslim.

Hey, it’s cool, trust me. I’m Muslim you know.

Vince storms off as Lashley celebrates and points at Vince. Presumably exclaiming ‘MCMAHON, WE COMIN FOR YOU NIGGUH’. However, Umaga sneaks up and SPIKES Lashley, as Vince runs in and steals the belt. He gets on the mic and says because Lashley did not actually defeat Vince, he’s not the champ. The crowd erupts into outrageous apathy.

Elijah Burke vs. CM Punk

Oh this should be a neato little match. Sweet.

Some nice back and forth old school stuff to start off with, then Burke works on Punk’s ribs with some shots (Which Punk refused, seeing as he‘s not into booze), but Punk fights back with strikes of his own, but the ref breaks them up. Lock up and into the corner they go, the ref is forced to separate them once more. EPIC.

So Burke works on the ribs again but Punk manages to reverse out of a slam and boots Burke right in the head. Suplex by Punk for 2. He works on Burke with some kicks punches and a nice clothesline to the corner. Stalling suplex next, and another 2 count. Punk then gets on a side headlock but Burke fights back with more shots to the ribs. Punk fights back with shots of his own, Irish whip, Crossbody off the second rope by Punk for another 2.

Burke works the FUCKING ribs again. Dude, I don’t think this tactic will work. MOVE THE FUCK ON. He hit’s a couple of spears to the corner but eventually runs into a boot to the face. He gets tossed out and it looked a wee bit clumsy, could have actually hurt the poor guy. Diddums.

When he’s back in Punk gets another 2 count via a Sunset flip. Burke is stuck in another headlock, but manages to escape. He then eats a shoulder block. Hiptoss gets countered and Punk goes for the Go2sleep, but Burke manages to escape and is outside on the apron, where Punk greets him with a Jericho-style dropkick. With Burke on the outside, Punk leaps out and hit’s the Elbow Suicida. Nice visual.

Back in the ring, Punk gets another 2 and then goes up top but comes careering down after some assistance from Burke. Not a pretty sight. Burke finally gets a chance to cover but only gets 2 after he rips off the protective padding on Punk’s ribs. He works on them for a while then slaps on a Body scissors. Then he puts on a chinlock and Punk elbows out but gets suplexed. The crowd at this point is actually chanting for JBL, which is kinda hilarious.

Punk ends up clocking Burke on the top, then goes up and Punk hit’s a superplex annihilating both men. They manage to get up, fighting all the way, enziguiri by Punk for another 2 count. Bulldog gets countered by Burke, the Elijah Express misses, as does the G2S, then the EE hits but only for 2! Punk gets set on the top and is hit by a running Elijah Express. Still only gets 2. Burke stalks him for one more, but is countered into a G2S! And Punk gets it.

Winner: CM Punk

What did I gain from this match? - Man, if ONLY attacking the ribs actually had ANY EFFECT WHATSOEVER…Meh. It was good, but could have been better.

Hey, it’s cool, trust me. I’m part Jewish.

Kristal is backstage with Edge, who claims he is the best, because he could defeat Taker in 3 seconds whereas it took Batista 3 months and he still couldn’t do it. Maybe it would have taken Batista less time if he didn’t have to go through a mile of pit of danger on his way to work?

Orton comes out and tells the announcer to announce HBK’s forfeit. As he goes to, HBK’s music hits. Well. That was worthwhile. OMG ORTON IS SO EVIL.

Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton.

The ref reluctantly starts the bell and HBK is taken down almost instantly by Orton. He hit’s a spike DDT from the ropes for a close 2. HBK looks really rough and sells his condition perfectly. He’s picked up and thrown into the corner but he counters with an eye poke. He shoves Orton away then hits an elbow drop, but as he goes for the Sweet Chin Music he…collapses. Ref stops the match.

Winner: Orton

No rating given seeing as it doesn’t really count. HBK eventually manages to get up, but he gets an RKO for his effort. Ok, HBK’s wife is out now, which kinda ruins the whole ‘Heart Break Kid’ thing but whatever. She’s crying, boo hoo, shit like that. They get a stretcher out, end of.

WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES - HARDY BOYZ VS CADE AND MURDOCH

Matt and Cade start off, usual lockup start. Hiptosses and headlocks to start with, you know the drill. Matt ends up hip tossed and Murdoch is tagged in, where he attacks Matt’s arm and then tags back out. Cade takes Matt down but gets smacked with a right then an elbow, and Jeff is tagged in and hit’s a dropkick for 2.

Murdoch is tagged in and yells ‘BY THE RULES MAN!’ then slaps on an armbar but gets countered into a hammerlock by Jeff. Matt tagged in, poetry in motion. This is basically the same kinda stuff you’ve seen before in their matches, so you should know the basics by now. Soon Jeff is hitting a Whisper in the Wind and now all 4 guys are in but Cade and Murdoch get tossed out.

They try to retreat but they come back once they hear the ref counting. Side headlock onto Murdoch by Jeff, then after Murdoch’s on the floor Jeff misses a slingshot senton to the outside. Murdoch asks the ref to watch as he gently and legitly brings Jeff back into the ring for the cover. 2 count. Cade is in with some knees, cover on Jeff for 2 after an assisted leg drop. Theyre selling the fact that Cade and Murdoch haven’t actually cheated yet, which is quite comical. After a West Texas Destroyer, though, Jeff gets a jawbreaker in and Matt is in with Cade and cleans house. Side Effect gets 2 after Murdoch saves the count.

Sitout spine buster on Matt, but only gets 2, Matt gets up and hit’s the Twist of Fate!  Murdoch gets nailed, Jeff goes high and hit’s a Swanton for the win. Booyah indeed. Booyah.

Winners: Hardy Boys

What did I gain from this match? - Nothing you aint seen before really, but good effort. I give it 3 Emo Fags. With ‘Mops of Hair’ for effort.

Hey, it’s cool, trust me. I hunt emos. For sport, no less.

HBK has been taken to a nearby medical facility because apparently Hospital isn’t in WWE’s vocabulary.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE - EDGE VS BATISTA

Batista starts off by stalking Edge (Because he’s an ANIMAL. GEDDIT.) Edge cowers off, but he gets into a lockup eventually and gets thrown down. Some more lockup and go behind stuff, then Edge rakes the eyes, and charges, but he ends up on the outside. Batista follows and slams Edge’s noggin onto the apron. Counter, and batista ends up eating the steps. Edge is slammed into the apron again, though. Chop block by Edge, rights by Batista, and some shots to Batista’s arm next.

Back in the rign Edge goes up top, or more rather is put up there by Batista, but Edge battles back and sends DAVE to the ground, and then hit’s a diving clothesline. Eventually Edge capitalises but runs right into a Bossman Slam for a 2 count. A slam by Batista gets countered into an Edgecution, but again only 2. Edge goes for a spear but gets clocked by one of Batista’s! another close 2. Batista hit’s the spine buster but Edge rolls him up, grabs the tights, and boom, he’s still our champ.

Winner: Edge

What did I gain from this match? - Not too bad, considering it’s Batista. But let’s see how the rating system sees it…I think in honour of Edge’s win, we’ll rate it in Stereotypical Canadians:

US TITLE - 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS - CHRIS BENOIT VS MVP

Cool match here. The finish of the first fall is in MVP’s favour after he counters a German but gets hit by 3 instead, then after escaping the Sharpshooter he targets Benoit’s knee, and as he is lifted onto Benoit’s shoulders the knee gives out and he hit’s the playmaker.

The second win comes when MVP has a leg lock on Benoit, but Benoit escapes. He then counters a playmaker with a Crossface, but MVP escapes, rolls up, and we have a new champeen.

Winner: MVP

What did I gain from this match? - I gotta say, I was quite intrigued to hear that Benoit has sort of taken a shining to Mister VP, and has sort of taken him under his wing. Although intrigued, I wasn’t surprised, Benoit’s Canadian. This is probably the first time he’s ever seen a black man. No wonder he’s spending so much time with him.

A very good match indeed, and it seems fitting that, seeing as an animal (wolverine) was harmed in this match, I rate it in PETA HIPPIES

Hey, it's cool, trust me. I support PETA. I eat animals all the time so that they don't get killed by poachers.

And now it’s time for our Lame Event!

WWE TITLE MATCH - JOHN CENA VS THE GREAT KHALI

Oh well if this aint just the best payoff ever to having to stay up till 5am doing this thing. The two stand off against each other and trash talk, which really would be the saddest conversation ever. ‘Lol j00 ghey poo’ ‘KHALEEMAAAAAHR!’

Indeed. Anyways, Cena fights with some punches but Khali keeps overpowering him. He fucking clocks Cena with a big right hand, and takes him outside to propel him into the steps. Back in the ring, Cena kicks out of the one foot pin. OMG. Slam, leg drop, 2 count. Irish whip, clothesline. If you think my recapping is slow and formulaic, try watching this shit.

Cena rallies and hit’s the flipping neck breaker but still only 2. Outside again Khali slaps Cena against the announce table repeatedly, and back in the ring he receives a neck punch by Khali. Sigh. Cena gets back up blah blah blah aint Cena just such a hero blah. Cena blocks the big Brain Chop OMFG and theres an STFU applied after Cena manages to hit a FAMEASSER from the top and Khali actually taps despite the fact his foot kept hitting the rope. Oh whatever, no one was a real winner in any of this.

Winner: Look what I just said.

What did I gain from this match? - Well I don’t know, really. There are feelings of outrage, confusion, boredom, and…you know what, I think I just had a stroke. I give this 2 rape victims.

Hey, it’s cool, trust me. I’m a rapist.

HIGHLIGHT: I would go for the Hardy match and the Punk match. Both the best matches but still lacked.

LOWLIGHT: Lashley and Cena OVERCOMING MORE ODDS THAN A HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR. I mean ok, it’s not like I would have preferred their opponents to win, but that’s the whole point. This whole show felt like a rock and a hard place kinda scenario. Thumbs down.