By Sean Carless
Hey there fuckies, and welcome to Judgment Day...you know, the cataclysmic end of the world that's supposed to only happen one time, and not 5 years straight. Well, make that six. For whatever reason, God once again decided to let humanity live another year, despite the fact that JBL has Main Evented EVERY SmackDown PPV for 12 months straight (a reason for the Earth's utter and complete obliteration if there ever was one.).
Anyway, tonight's PPV comes to us from
Your hosts tonight are Tazz and Michael Cole, who no doubt will have a slew of euphemisms for various body parts being like frying pans and typewriters. Call me crazy, but somehow I doubt Cole made it too far in Biology class.
Onto the show!~
(C) MNM Vs. Horse-shoe Holly & Charlie “I wish my name was spelled 'Hoss', because then I might actually get a push" Haas; WWE Tag Team Titles at stake;
It's hard to believe that is was barely 6 months ago that our favorite "Academic All American" Charlie Haas was storyline fucking both Miss Jackie AND Dawn Marie at the same time. But, now, he's stuck teaming with Bob Holly. Oh well. What can you do? However, I'd take some notes Charlie; because one day, if you're lucky, just like Bob, you too can claim the mantle of best in the world at a low impact move no one on earth gives two shits about. Keep reachin' for that rainbow.
Before the match, Melina gets on the stick and declares that MNM are SmackDown's top Tag team. A statement that might actually have more impact if there were more than two tag teams on the roster. Just saying.
Anyway, the match is underway, and both teams hold their own well, as do I, reliving the memory of Melina's entrance. A nice little fast paced match ensues from there that eventually sees Holly go berserk, and chop Joey Mercury to death in the corner, swat Johnny Nitro off the apron with another chop, as Tazz speculates that Melina could be next; which I'd think might be lethal in her case. Anyway, tide turns when Holly looks to hit the Alabama Slam out of the corner on Mercury, but Nitro breaks that up with a nice superkick. Hot tag eventually to Charlie Haas, who cleans umm, "Haas" in there, taking out both MNM members or "M & N" technically with a suicide plancha. Funny, of all the people who take their own lives, you seldom hear about the ones that end it all with planchas. (complicated lucha dives > razor blades and nooses apparently).
Anyway, from there, Haas dumps Nitro out, and hits an exploder on Mercury but Joey strangely doesn't explode as the hold suggests. What a Gyp. From there, Haas covers, but the referee is out of position dealing with Holly, who is on the floor probably questioning him as to how many years he's been in the business so to properly gauge an appropriate beating, when Nitro snaps Haas's neck across the ropes, and they quickly finish Charlie with the tandem Snap-shot to retain the titles.
Winners: MNM. Other winner: me; one for taping Melina's entrance, and two for remembering to buy hand lotion with the groceries this week. (What? I have coarse and dry skin! Nothing more! it's serious condition! Stop judging me!)
Carlito w/ Matt Morgan Vs. Big Show w/ upset stomach.
For those who have chosen to block the storyline of this match out of their head, it all stems from Carlito gaining revenge on Show for turning down being his bodyguard by feeding him a poison apple. Hey, wait. A poison apple? I think I may have seen this movie already. (Snow Wight?)
But seriously, who would've thunk it? The first time Big Show actually eats something low cal, and it's poisoned. Stick to the carbs, big man. Anyway before the match, Carlito gets on the mic and is about to introduce Matt Morgan when the PPV feed cuts out. That's a shame. But seriously, what the fuck is with the stuttering gimmick? Here's a novel concept: he's a big scary looking motherfucker. Run with that. I mean, you didn't see King Kong Bundy needing to compulsively wash his hands, or Earthquake having irritable bowel syndrome to get "over" right? Fucking company.
Anyway, as you'd expect, this one was totally one sided with Big Show totally dominating
from the onset. Tide turns after the referee is bumped and Morgan interferes, saving Carlito from a choke-slam attempt by
booting Show in the face, and then hitting an F-5, allowing Carlito to pick up the upset win. Hey, I get it! An
Winner: Carlito. Loser: Apparently Brock Lesnar, who's left with no job, huge legal bills, a plane with a lot of miles on it, and a girlfriend (Sable) who has even more miles on her. Here comes the pain.
-ECW PPV promo airs. Tazz says he can't wait to see some old friends there. From what I've heard, those “old friends” won't be Raven, Shane Douglas, and Jerry Lynn. But it will be Tracey Smothers. And I don't know about you, but when I think “ECW”, I think Freddie Joe Floyd....
-Backstage, Sharmell accepts a package filled with lingerie that she mistakenly thinks is from Booker. She then realizes who it's REALLY from when she finds a pair off hand-cuffs inside. Booker of course then goes berserk at the sight of the handcuffs. Hmmm, I wonder why that is? (cough*WENDY'S*cough).
(C) Paul London Vs. Chavo Guerrero for Cruiserweight Title;
During his intro, and coupled with frilly boots, Paul London runs to the ring in
a fashion very reminiscent to the Ultimate Warrior. Well, if Warrior drained 2/3rds of the blood from his body, and had
a pudding basin haircut. Anyway, the sad thing about this one is that the crowd was completely dead, and poor Paul had to
practically kill himself to elicit any sort of reaction from them. And almost kill himself he did, coming off the top rope
to the floor in almost a swanton... only catching part of Chavo, and hitting the ground hard. Not to be outdone,
however, Chavo then hits a tope (it will probably be renamed "toupee" soon the way poor Chavito is receding these days)
of his own to even the score. Back inside,
Winner: Paul London.
-Meanwhile, Booker is on the hunt for Kurt, apparently miffed over the whole "I want to shackle your wife, and ride her in a very un-Olympic manner". He runs into a slew of wrestlers in his quest, eventually barging in on Kidman getting dressed up for umm, his big match with...nobody? Seriously, what's the deal with wrestlers always wearing their gear in every plausible situation? Arrive at the building? Trunks. Speed off in a car to your Hotel? Trunks, again. Make an *UNEXPECTED* run-in? Trunks....and strangely pre-cued theme music.
Anyway, while this is going down, Kurt appears in Sharmell's dressing room, where he pins her down on the sofa, and declares that after the match, he'll have his way with her. Huh. I guess the police were busy making sure that no one jumps the guard rail or show up unannounced to the arena. You know, capital crimes.
Booker T. w/ Sharmell's honor and change Vs. Kurt Angle w/strange animal lust;
So, this entire rivalry is built around the fact that Angle wants to, and I quote "have that dirty bestiality sex" with Sharmell? MAN. Thank the Lord Kurt chose to go into amateur wrestling instead of say, sheepherding. Good choice there, Kurt.
But seriously, you know, I've learned to not expect any sort of continuity from this company, but come on. I mean, it wasn't too long ago that Kurt Angle was drinking milk and preaching the benefits of abstinence. And now, he's an insatiable horn dog and the only "white liquid" he's interested in, is the vile substance he wants to deposit into another dude's wife. Poor Booker. All of a sudden a Japanese shampoo endorsement is looking pretty good.
Anyway, Book is the complete aggressor from the onset, hitting a big scissors kick
off the apron while Kurt was hanging over the ropes, causing Angle to awkwardly hit the floor. Back inside, Angle looks for
an Angle-slam, but walks into a bookend, but kicks out at two. Angle then moves out of the way of another scissors kick, and
looks for that elusive Angle slam, but Booker gets an awkward
After the match, Angle blindsides Booker as Sharmell congratulates him, and tries to handcuff Sharmell to the ropes, but Booker is in for the save, and eventually he cuffs Angle to the ropes. Mr & Mrs. umm, “T”, then proceed to beat the shit out of Kurt, as I turn to the person next to me to smartly comment at the prospect that two African Americans pulverizing a restrained white man, is the bizarro world's version of the Rodney King incident. I then realize that I'm all by myself and cry at the prospect of being so desperately lonely.
Winner: Booker T. ...and Sharmell. You go Girl! (umm, somewhere far from here!) Or get a UPN show! We don't have nearly enough annoying women on this Network!
-While the officials try and un-cuff Kurt, Tazz and Cole point out old “hands of stone” himself, Roberto Duran in the crowd, and segue that into the "I quit" match tonight, playing on Duran's "quitting" in his 1980 fight with Sugar Ray Leonard when he cried out "No mas!" (Which basically means "No more" in Spanish.). However, considering how bloated and pudgy old Roberto looked here, I'm guessing he hasn't said "no mas" in a while. Hey, just saying.
Heiden! Heidenreich! Vs. (C)
Hey, Orlando has a new Rap entrance theme song that definitely does not contradict what his boss JBL says about all rappers being thugs, and umm, never mind. Anyway, Heidenreich comes out, and introduces his new "march". Hey, I'm not so sure how good an idea it is promoting marching Germans, but anyway.
Heidenreich then hand-picks a 12 year old girl out of the crowd (Does Jerry Lawler
know of this blatant trademark infringement!?) to be in his corner, and reads his new “friend” a poem.
After the match, the girl starts doing the Heidenreich march and the crowd eats it up and begins chanting "Heidenreich" which motivates the big German. Soon there after every one is marching, books are being burned and out of the ashes an evil empire rises, led by a heartless, murderous dictator and the world is never the same. (not George Bush).
Winner: OJ. (If the DDT hits you must acquit.)
-Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews JBL, who puts himself over as never quitting. He
insists that Cena stick to “Rap” and his "movie" career, which at this point includes only "The Marine"…
soon to be pinned between Meatballs 4 and Leprechaun in Hood on a dusty video store shelf near you for eternity. However,
JBL does get the line of the night when he says "or you can run for Governor of
Eddie Guerrero Vs. Rey Mysterio;
You know, I'm digging this new sinister slow remix of Eddie's theme. Eddie as a heel works, despite the fact that I had my reservations. But this guy is so awesome, he can play anything. So I stand corrected. Or something.
Anyway, this one is personal, so they keep the lucha spots to a minimum, which kinda
makes sense, because if you're really pissed off at a guy, you don't give him a head scissors. Anyway, very stiff stuff here, that sees Eddie grind Rey down,
by working on his ribs which were taped up, which sadly covers his tattoo that says Mexican. Man, how will he know what nationality
he is now? From there, Eddie rams
him several times into the announce table for extra punishment. Back inside, after a brief Rey flurry, Eddie grinds him down
again with an elevated crab, and then when Rey tries to escape, he converts that into a sick STF. Rey still gets to the ropes,
however, and Cole being Cole, states that Rey's heart is huge. You know, I think that might be cardiomyopathy. He should
get that checked out. From there, a frustrated Eddie launches Rey-Rey “Crocodile Mile-style” out of the ring,
and on the outside, Eddie grabs the stairs, and looks like he'll deliver another brainbuster on them like he did a few weeks
ago; however, Rey counters, by ramming Eddie into the post, and hits a sweet modified 619 around said post. Cool
spot. Back inside, Rey gets a nearfall off a springboard senton, but Eddie rallies and crushes him with a superplex. Surprisingly,
that only gets two. Eddie then goes for the Three Amigos, but Rey counters out at…
After the match, Eddie beats down Rey-Rey with the chair but is separated by the officials.
Winner by DQ: Rey Mysterio.
(C) John Cena Vs. JBL; I Quit match for the WWE Title;
You know, before this match, the only "I quit" stipulations I was interested in was these two guys vowing to never have another match again. That said, I stand corrected. Both men worked very hard, and complete with the gimmicked mayhem, managed to pull off the most entertaining match of the night.
Anyway, going into this match, Cole mentioned that JBL stated that “when you quit, you're no longer a man." Actually, when you soap another man's ass in the shower, you're no longer a man. And yes, I just wanted to make that JBL joke. Anyway, in a side note, according to our TriviaMANGOD, Harry Simon, the last "I quit" match to not end in some sort of controversy was in 1989 when Ric Flair defeated Terry Funk. (and don't email us stating some bush-league Indy fed had one, cause it's not my quote, and I don't care:)).
Anyway, Cena makes his grand entrance on the flatbed of a tractor trailer, complete with DJ and turn table. Apparently, when you're the top babyface, you have to make at least one grand vehicular entrance. "Oh that Cena! He's just so REBELLIOUS! Just like that bald-headed fellow with the goatee who used to work here! I gravitate to him because he's so anti-establishment and cool. Ruck Fules and all that jazz! “
Ok, now that I'm done being a dickhead, I'll get to the match.
Both men trade rest holds to start, including headlocks and arm locks, as I scratch my head trying to remember one serious submission hold either of these guys have ever used. However, JBL had to use something to subdue those rookies backstage. (cross-face dickin' wing perhaps?)
Anyway, once they hit the floor, the carnage really starts. First, JBL begins choking Cena with a belt, but Cena refuses to quit because the power of Hip Hop powers him! Did Maestro Fresh Wes quit when the going got tough? Wait. Ton Loc then. Wait. Hammer? Damn! Forget it. Anyway,JBL is hilarious as he talks trash on the microphone.
From there, JBL, still in control, clears off the announce table, and looks like he'll powerbomb Cena off it, threatening that if Cena didn't give it up, he'd drive him through the table. However, Cena tells JBL to "kiss his ass" then counters into a back body drop which of course destroys said Spanish announce table, as I wonder to myself if the Spanish audience is pissed off that they've never seen a full WWE PPV because some asshole is always crashing through that table and ruining their feed. Anyway, after Cena uses a monitor to knock JBL down, JBL recovers, and hits Cena with an incredibly stiff chairshot, and Cena blades, and blades HEAVY. I mean, this was almost as bad as what Eddie did last year. JBL then gets Cena back inside, and hits three consecutive short-arm clotheslines in a row, but Cena still won't quit. Cena then rallies, and hits his trademark spots (crazy ass hiptoss (Some rappers shoot people to build street cred. Cena uses hip tosses?) spinning back suplex, five knuckle shuffle and FU.). However, the prospect of Cena inflating his Reeboks still isn't enough to send JBL cowering into submission for some strange reason. Go figure.
From there, JBL simply rolls to the outside, and looks like he's going to just take a walk. Cena of course follows him out, and the two slam each other all over the hood of JBL's limo. Cena then rams JBL's head into a gimmicked TV monitor and JBL now does color. From there, Cena then smashes JBL into the limo window shattering it, then rips the limo door off and does damage with that as well. Good luck explaining this to AAA.
The two then make their way over to the flatbed, as JBL tries to hang Cena from a speaker (which JBL was standing on), but Cena uses the mic to hit JBL in the head, and Bradshaw falls through the DJ table, which essentially ends the PHAT beats for this evening apparently. What shame.
Cena, now a man POSSESSED, breaks the exhaust pipe off the truck and threatens to bludgeon JBL to death while he's pinned against a glass panel in the aisle, so JBL quits. Huh?
Anyway, JBL points to his head as to say "Ya, I outsmarted him!" (Ya, of all the match strategies you could have used, clearly submitting is the best way to win this match....) so Cena uses said pipe as a battering ram to smash JBL through the glass panel anyway. Excellent match.
Winner and still your champion: John Cena, yo.
Final Thoughts: This show is like that woman you meet at a bar, who from a distance doesn't look too attractive, but ends up being fairly decent in the sack. OK, it's nothing like that. But, I really wanted to use an analogy, even one that makes no sense...
In any event, JBL/Cena was the match that made up for their WM 21 abomination, and is probably the first time Cena has really looked like the "man" on this brand. Also, JBL demonstrated that despite the fact that he's pretty limited in the ring in regular matches, there's few big men out there willing to take the bumps he does. So good job there.
Overall, there was some good, some not so good, and some really good. But my two good match rule insists that I give it thumbs up. So I shall do that.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).