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JUST A THOUGHT
 
 

 Just a Thought. 01/26/06.By Renee
 
“R” Hated Superstar!
 
What it is bitches? (That’s slang just in case you thought it was a typo kids.)  I’ve been having the worst fucken week in the world so don’t look for me to be too nice this week my friends. However I do have some positive things to touch on this week.
 
I’m taking a look and the “R” rated super star this week. My ex, and NEW WWE CHAMPION ~ Edge.
 
One can say at this point he is one of the most hated champions in a while. But in reality Edge did make a great move be it opportunistic or not. I mean that was the whole point of the money in the bank win. To invoke the contract when ever he wanted to and at any time. And the thing that cracks me up is that these fucken people who where booing Cena as champ are now booing Edge just the same.
 
During the elimination chamber match anyone who went against Cena got pops from the crowd. Masters got them, Kane got them, Carlito got them and of course Angle got them. The crowd wanted anyone but Cena holding that title. So what’s wrong with Edge? Yeah, you kids might have had your hearts set on Angle catching it but since he was first to get the boot, that was dismissed pretty quickly. The point is that Edge is the perfect person to have the title right now in my opinion.
 
See Trip isn’t ready to go after it yet and that’s fine cuz I don’t think I’m ready have him go for it yet either. Big Show….no. HBK…nah. Kane……not really. There’s Masters and Carlito but they’re not ready yet. So I ask again , why not Edge? Besides the fact that he can get great heel heat to keep the crowd going nuts, Edge is great in the ring and can put on some really good work in matches. Him and Flair put on a tremendous TLC match and not to take anything away from Flair but Edge is a pro at that shit and didn’t disappoint one bit on Monday.
 
See Edge is not the most personable one these days and Lita’s presence doesn’t help much with making him a fan favorite again. But Edge is a force to be reckoned with and has the potential to make a decent champ if lead down the right road. I honestly want him to beat Cena at the RR and go up against Trip in the future, though the shot would go to who ever won the RR match, Edge is in a position where he can basically have a good feud with anyone right now. The point is that Edge is perfectly capable champion and though the timing may have not been in the fans best interest, it’s really now or never at this point for Edge to have a run. With the younger stars like Carlito, Masters and Benjamin in the wings, the veterans need to dip their dicks in the champion pool before the youngins take over for a while, which will eventually happen if management wants to keep things fresh as they’ve been doing or at least trying to do lately.
 
The thought is this……………….I don’t see Edge having this miraculously long title run, nor do I see the fans giving in and actually liking him for a while. I expect Edge to keep things crazy and wild. I expect Edge to push the limits with outrageous situations and fucked up run ins to ruin everything. And I expect Lita to be by his side to assure the right amount of heat from the crowd. It’s the perfect cocktail for a decent champs run. Does Edge deserve better? Maybe, Edge deserved a title shot a while ago when he was begging for it prior to his involvement in the infamous love triangle with L & M. His status now doesn’t make him any less deserving of it. I don’t want to sell Edge short on this run. Sure it’s not with all the kudos and flair that he may have wanted for his first title hold but it’s a title just the same. I’m sure Edge is enjoying being champ regardless of what we may think of him or how it was acquired. I for one will support him for two reasons. 1. He’s worth it and 2. I’m tired of having a champ that everyone agrees with. I’d been dying to have them mix it up a bit and have some genuine unpredictability on the show. Edge may not be the sweetest, but is a breath of fresh air none the less, deal with it a minute bitches. Just a thought.
 
 
 

Just a Thought. 01/13/06.By Renee

 

“The Chick Kick”’s Ass
 
Okay bitches, I’m totally chickin’ out this week. This means I’m talking ‘bout the Diva’s in this weeks short & sweet tasty JAT treat!!!!!!
 
In all fairness, the women’s division isn’t as disappointing as it was a few months ago. It’s a relief to see the new talent like, Maria, Candice (I want You), & Ashley try to acquire some in ring ability. It still sucks that Christy isn’t in the mix anymore, since she’s the one that showed the most desire to learn, but none the less the division has taken an uphill turn.
 
Rumor has it that pictures where taken of Melina holding the women’s title. Thus posing the question of a possible inter-brand woman’s title that can be defended on either show. Sounds interesting to me. It would breathe a breath of fresh air to the division. It would give all the Diva’s exposure and make it a lot less predictable for us.
 
Face it, Trish can’t hold the title forever, nor can she be in constant contendership for it. There needs to be other people to turn to beside Lita in a major angle or title match. Developing a larger group of chicks is a great idea if you really want to save the division. Mickey James gave a great show at NYR. Though her character is a bit creepy, she did her damn thing in the ring with Trish who is the best out there today. I don’t agree with the announcers that it was the best women’s title match, that one in my opinion goes to Trish and Lita when they main evented Raw upon Lita’s return. That was off the fucken chain! But I do give Mickey her props for more than holding her own. However, the thing that gets me is that Trish even wrestles better as a heel. This neutral Trish we’re seeing today can go either way but her in ring skills are no where near what they are when she’s feelin her heel persona. Hopefully they can help her out with that.
 
I’d loved to see Melina vs Victoria. Girly Girl verses “The lady not to be messed wit”. Yes Melina would have to put in some practice for that match but I’m not saying immediately. I’m looking at the potential down the road. Lita vs Candice = Slut verses Sex Kitten. Torrie (since they’re determined to keep the bitch) vs Ashley in an “Out with the old in with the New” match. And if they want to keep this thing they got with Trish and Mickey, then so be it. It all evens out.
 
The thought is this…………I finally see a light in the women’s division. Though be it dim at the moment, I see these talented women doing some great things if they’re given the chance. I don’t have any disappointments other that Lita not getting her ass back in the ring and wrestling. Expanding the division to both shows opens a variety of matches, storylines and opportunities to let these women get their time in the ring. They’ve been showing us that they’ll take the bumps and the bruises. That they’re not just “puppies”! I’m actually proud of each and every one of them at the moment. These women have shown in the past few months that they are willing to try and give us what we expect…..good wrestling. Just a Thought.

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Just a Thought. 01/06/06.By Renee

 

Hey there bitches, this week is crazy for me so I’m gonna have to get right to the point.
 
Chris Masters. The Masterpiece! The future? Maybe……lets check out the facts.
 
First off, for the record, I don’t like the character that much but he is growing on me in the respects of good marketing. Masters is a okay heel I have to admit. He makes you hate him just enough to curse at the screen but not good enough to say he’s a great heel.
 
Picking it apart, I’d start with the finishing move. The Master Lock. Hate it. It’s old, predictable and seriously not entertaining. But that can be overlooked in times when the in ring ability prior to the finish is good. Masters isn’t as awkward in the ring as many bigger guys are which is a plus. But he lacks something that I can’t quite put my finger on in the ring. SHOWMANSHIP!!! That’s what it is.
 
See, good old Chris has semi decent mic skills in comparison to past big boys who rocked the mic, like Brock, the early days of Dave Batista, Kane and so on, though Kane has improved recently (acting lessons paid off I guess). Either way Masters is not a complete wash. Perhaps it’s the fact that he’s not associated with anyone. Meaning it’s hard for us to tolerate his ranting when he has no history. He’s just a big guy that wants to hold gold. He didn’t come in with a bang, pummeling people. He didn’t come in as a person from someone’s past to seek revenge or anything tasty like that. He just showed up one day and said hey let me put this lock on you, betcha ya can’t break it. He’s a lonely soul with no real angle or direction, but has managed to stay in the limelight regardless. That has to count for something in addition to Vince just jocking big guys.
 
Do I think Masters can hold the title. You know…I’ve seen worse happen. He’s no SOS but he’d bring the heat indeed. I don’t know. Sometimes I wish for the spontaneity in regards to the title fight. Personally I’d prefer any of the five contenders hold the title at this point. But would Masters be so bad? If you really think about it. He might be a good choice.
 
Look we know that eventually Trip is gonna activate the homing device. Can you see a feud between Hunter and Masters for the title? Trip being the challenger? Cocky Masters talking shit. We’d get a submission match, some sort of cell or cage match and/or no DQ going one. Or at least something to that effect. It may be interesting. Not must see TV but a change none the less. I guess somewhere in me I want to see Masters jump right in there. Like I said before he’s not a total flake. He has potential, I just think he needs to define his character more. Find a “special purpose”, even The Jerk had one, so it’s not hard. I think he’d be a lot more tolerable if his dealings weren’t so random is all.
 
The thought is this my pets…………..I don’t see Masters getting blessed with the title right now. I’m just showing the doors to other roads of entertainment. Don’t start yelling at me saying Masters is shit and all that bull. The guy isn’t bad, he’s just not being booked quite right yet. We’ve all seen worse. Masters can be a great force on Raw once they figure out how they want to push him. Right now it seems like a half push, or filler if you will. His skills have improved since his start and he does have talent. He can wrestle folks. I’m being patient with Masters, though I do have fun at his expense from time to time. I do think he is a solid wrestler, he just needs some tweaking. I’ll wait and see what happens before I curse him out!  Just a Thought!

 

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Just a Thought. 12/29/05.By Renee

 

Nay goes to Raw!!!!!
 
So bitches, by now I’m sure the word has spread that yours truly finally popped her live show cherry and went to Raw this week, in Bridgeport CT. Can you believe I’ve never seen a live show until now? I shouldn’t have even been allowed to write columns damnit, it’s a shame!
 
I have to say first off that that arena was so damn organized and easy to maneuver through, I couldn’t believe it. Total time from parking to ass in seat was literally 10 mins…I fucken timed it.
 
Anyhooters, I had pretty decent seats for only 45 bucks. No one blocking me and no equipment in the way of the big screen. The ring looked a lot fucken smaller than on TV. I swore it was going to be this mammoth thing in the middle of the area, but no. I was with a few of my friends who tend to be loud idiots so this bitch knew she was gonna have some fun tonight. Plus I went on a mission to start at least one chant during the span of the show and I was definitely with the right people for it.
 
I was sitting with my boys and to the right of me was this family that consisted of an 8 year old kid with mom and dad. I’m calling mom Fran cuz her voice was exactly like Fucken Fran Dresher from the Nanny only Italian. My God! But we’ll get back to them in a minute. In front of me were these two guys that thought they knew everything about wrestling and decided to educate all of us around them every chance they got. Let’s call them Dumb and Dumber for now. You’ll see why in a few. So I got my hot dog, cotton candy, sprite and Cracker Jacks with the wack ass prize inside and I was ready to go!
 
Heat started and Mike ‘The Miz” Mizannan came out, looking great actually and the crowd gave him a pretty big pop upon his entry. He went up against Trevor Murdock. Now Fran doesn’t really know anything about wrestling and her son is telling her who each person is and what their finishing move is and shit like that. She turns to me and says, “Hey that Mike guy has a nice ass”. I politely smile and give a giggle of agreement, thinking to myself that fucken voice sux. But I refocus and leave it at that.
 
Dumber decides he wants to give Fran a recap on Tough Enough to explain who The Miz is. So the fucken loser climbs up on the seat in front of her and decides to run through almost the whole fucken season while I’m trying to watch what’s going on. I hold my temper though, cuz I know if I flip out, my boys are gonna get ghetto and start with both of them. Viscera is out now! Fran likes Big Vis apparently. The squeaky bitch gets up and starts screaming for Vis like she’s a fucken relative. I mean nuts. Mind you her husband is sitting there quite up to now but is looking at her like she’s a fucken freak and the kid is lovin it! So check this shit out, you know how when the stars come out they have their little montage of shit on the screen accompanying their music, well Fran turns to me and asks if it offends me that Vis seems to only go for white girls. Now I could have taken two roads on this one. The first road leads to me smacking the stupid bitch and telling her son that mommy is an ignorant asshole. The other road is to play along and see where this is gonna go. So you know me…no I didn’t hit her……I turned to her and said, why would it offend me, I’m Asian. Fran had nothing, she looked at me like I was retarded but in understanding that she may have asked the wrong question to the wrong person.
 
Fran had a seat after that, but not for long. Raw started and HBK comes out. Now a guy that was sitting in back of us screams “You screwed Bret”. Dumb turns to him and says” Bret Screwed Bret” and gets up in frustration adding “I’m tired of you fucken assholes holding HBK responsible for this shit, Bret did it to himself, if you don’t play balL you get screwed period”  Easy there killer! Now remember Dumb is in front of me and the dude is right in back of me so as he’s yelling this I’m 1, missing the match and 2 feeling something cold and wet on my leg. This mutha flipper is spilling his beer all on my leg as he’s arguing with this smush about shit that happened in fucken 1997. So I jump up and tell them both to shut the fuck up cuz I can’t see and now my leg is wet from his beer. Dumb is all sorry and shit and goes to buy me a beer for the damage. Good shit, I could use a fucken beer.
 
Whoooooo! Ric Flair is out ready to beat Edge’s ass. “What’s this whooo stuff that every body’s doing?” Fucken Fran!  “It’s Flairs things, he whooo’s, it’s his trademark of sorts.” Fran “Well that guy just said he ripped it off of someone else what a loser” and proceeds to boo Flair like a mad woman. Now perhaps it wouldn’t have been that bad if her voice wasn’t so horrible but it was like nails on a chalk board to me. Plus that fact that she’s going by Edge’s promo that Flair is a phony but is yelling it out like she knows what she’s talking about. I know at this point right now, that I’m gonna hit the bitch by the end of the night, it was just a matter of time.
 
Cena’s out and the crowd is divided. For some reason it was almost like the Cena haters where on my side of the arena and the supporters on the other. Wait for it…….wait for it…….Ain’t no stopping me NOW!!!!!!! Good shit, I love Shelton Benjamin, Go Shelton Go!! Dumb & Dumber “Yeah go Shelton!” Nay: “Shut the fuck up!” By now my friends have pounded a shit load of beers already and started feelin good! I turn to my friend John and say help me start a Shelton chant because there was a group of like 15 chicks on the other side in the front that kept screaming for Cena that were pissing me off. We start the chant and the bitches have the nerve to retort with “Let’s go Cena” Oh well it’s fucken on now!!! Needless to say we got pretty loud! It was fucken sick!! The entire area was on one side or another. I was so proud!! My goal was achieved so early it felt it safe to just go crazy at this point. Me and my friend Steve go down near the ring even though we were told not to and I hear the voice. “Oh hey girl how’d ya get down here?” Fucken Fran!! She’d gone to the lady’s room and got lost and couldn’t find her seats. “Would you happen to know how to get back to the seats?” She asked Steve. Holy fuck this woman thinks we’re cool with her. Fran: “I’ll just stay down here with you guys until you go back up, wow you can almost touch the wrestlers from here” I’m gonna fucken kill this woman!
 
We take the bitch back up to the seats cuz she just won’t stop talking and asking questions. She turns to her husband and tells him she got lost but we helped her back. He turns to me and asks “Why?” I knew then, that I had an ally against Fran. “I Spit In the Face of People That Don’t Want To Be Cool” Carlito is on his way down. “Oh this is the stuunad!” yells Fran. Stuunad? How old school can this bitch be? I kid you not, this bitch must have called Carlito stuunad like 50 times during his match with my precious. “How can these people support some stuunad that beats on women and spits in their faces? Fucken stuunad!” Are you fucken kidding me? Just then my friend Jay turned to Fran and simply stated…. “ Yo you’re fucken a annoying bitch, shut the fuck up so other people can enjoy the show! You’ve been squeakin your stupid ass comments since the start and I’m gonna put my foot in your fucken ass if you don’t sit down and shut the hell up!” Now any husband who has any feeling for his wife at all would have stood up at that point and let Jay have it, but not my friend here. Fran, with a look of shock and awe turns to her husband “Are you gonna let this fucken prick talk to me like that Norm?” Norm? NORM!!!!!!
 
Side Note: When ever I hear that name I have to do the Cheers thing, I can’t help it.
 
Norm turns to Jay, scoots past me and Fran and says…“Follow me” Jay being down for anything follows the poor man. Ten minutes later they come back with four beers laughing and having a blast. Norm even decides to sit on the end seat instead of sitting back with Fran. I later found out that Norm and Fran are in the middle of a divorce and brought the kid to the show as a favor to the boy. Norm was officially on OUR side! Fran pouted and was silent for the rest of the show.
 
Now remember Dumb and Dumber? Well one of them, I think it was Dumb had a sign that said “Boooo”. I had two signs, one that said “U get the Boooo of the Day” and the other said I love HHH. He turns to me and asks if he can have my sign for when Vince comes out. I nicely said no because he had a sign that said Boo already. So the little shit proceeds to get all mad and say how we’re all a family here and are here to support the wrestlers just the same so why not share. I ask him where the logic is in him asking me for something he already has considering the fact that he doesn’t even know me. In addition I don't fucken like you. But during this time I didn’t realize it but Fran had left but the boy was still there and Norm was chillin with my boys on the other side of the row. My friend Steve stood up and told Dumb that if he opened his mouth to me again he was gonna kick his ass. Dumb took Steve’s advice.
 
But the boy is still motherless and Norm doesn’t seem to give a shit. I lean over and inform Norm of his wife’s disappearance and he calmly shrugs his shoulders and goes back to talking. I’m not watching this fucken kid. He’s adorable and all but I didn’t bring mine, what makes him think I’m gonna watch his.
 
The show is ending and people are leaving. Vince is talking to HBK. “where are you gonna go” says Vince. Ha! TNA TNA TNA!!!!!!! Holy shit that was fun. Vince ignored us, that dick. He knows we’re right! HBK is doing the old stare down till they fade out and Raw is off the air. Still no Fran and wait….no Norm. This bastard left his child! Norm was gone people! Dark match, time to get up near the ring. Cena vs Angle for the title. We know how it’s gonna end but we watch for the fuck of it. Cena grabs a chair people are booing him like crazy. Let’s go Angle chants fill the building. Angle gets the chair and hits Cena. DQ match over. Angle flips out in classic style. Cena’s boo’s get louder. Cena stands up in the middle of the ring and turns to a group of guys booing him and gives a look of concern and dismay. It’s starting to get to him people. You can see it in his eyes. He’s not used to the boo’s and he doesn’t like it one bit. He literally stands in the ring looking at the audience as they boo him, in almost amazement. I almost felt bad for him. He leaves with his head down up the ramp as another group of guys yell Cena can’t wrestle the way up! Poor kid! Kid ......that fucken kid is standing right next to me. Where the fuck is Norm? I’ll even take Fran at this point. I take the kids hand and go back up to where we were sitting. Just then I see Norm….with my friend Rob exchanging business cards. Norm calls the kid down the steps and thanks me for “keeping an eye in him” Keeping an eye on him? You left your fucken kid with some random black lady mister!! That’s not cool and where’s Fran damnit!? She’s gone, she took the car and left we live close so I’ll call a cab, Norm says. Good, lets go!
 
The ride home, I find out that Rob and Norm exchanged numbers because dear old Norm swings both ways and was digging my boy Rob the whole show. Ain’t that some shit. Now it all fits. Why Norm didn’t stand up for Fran. Why she was the more dominate one and why he was fucken wearing a pink sweater. Rob called him Tuesday and they have a date on Friday night. Can you believe that shit? I guess it will be fine, Rob loves kids, though I’d hate to see Fran’s face when she realizes that Rob was from the Raw show that she abandoned her kid and man at. I’d love to be the fly on the wall for that one.
 
Overall it was a great show and I had a great time. I popped my cherry and met some fucken weird as people. The talent was great and I got my chant going! What more could a bitch want? I’ve decided to go to as many shows as a can and find the story in the audience, because that was almost as entertaining as the show itself. I wish the best of luck to Norm and Rob. Fran needs help and I never did catch the boys name, I’ll ask Rob on Friday. Till I rant again……..Happy New Year Bitches!!!!!!!!

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Just a Thought. 12/22/05.By Renee

 

Untrue Gossip, Blatant Lies & Rumor Laced Breaking News!!!!!!

 
Yes, my dear bitches, it’s once again time to reveal all the backstage secret happenings, over the top accusations and false innuendos of  World Wrestling Entertainment. Please be advised the news you are about to hear is for mature audiences only and for the people that understand that though it’s all completely false…..it makes a better story this way.
 
Leading the top stories this week is the contract renewal of Paul Heyman. The WWE has decided to keep the creative genius in the mix even though it’s been said that him and the WWE’s leading lady Stephanie McMahon are still at odd with each other. When asked for a statement regarding his feelings about the tension between him and Ms. McMahon, Heyman responded. “Me and Stephanie have a mutual understanding now. I don’t touch her brownies anymore and she promises to be a nicer person to me. So I think things will work out fine”
 
In other news Matt Hardy was said to be beyond disappointed in his brother Jeff’s latest antics in no showing at TNA’s most recent PPV. Matt was quoted as saying “Jeff has a lot of growing up to do. He whines and cries about getting noticed, rants to fans about how he’s treated unfairly, then has the nerve to be this anticlimactic disappointment after so much hype. What a pathetic loser. He should really take a few hints from big brother”
 
*BREAKING NEWS*
 
I wanna fuck Candice Michelle ~ Really ....I do.
 
In local news The Boogie Man and the Undertaker were taken in for questioning in the disappearance of Smackdown’s own Christy Hemme. Reports state that she was last seen going to her car after last weeks show. Witnesses say that Mr. Taker and Mr. Boogie had been seen following Ms. Hemme singing the theme from Nightmare on Elm St., holding their penis’. Though friends of Mr.Taker & Mr. Boogie agree that the potential for them to violate Ms. Hemme is great, Mr. Boogie prefers dark meat and fears that these accusations will totally ruin any chances he has for stickin the party stick into Sharmelle who has been his love interest for the past few weeks. Mr. Boogie was said to think Mr. Taker is trying to set him up, seeing as there may not be room for two spooky guys on SD. We’ll keep you posted as more news comes in on this one.
 
In entertainment news Edge’s new show “The Cutting Edge” is on the verge of cancellation due to crew problems. It seems that the production crew in charge of the show has been dwindling down due to an unknown virus going around. Some sources say that the mystery virus has symptoms similar to the one that Kane had shortly after his marriage. Symptoms include, vomiting, blurred vision, a burning sensation while urinating and total disorientation. Some stricken have been said to seem like they’re in a constant state of self admiration along with a swelled head and a constant need to wear black leather. Doctors are baffled by this latest onslaught and are determined to find the source of what’s plaguing these men. No word on any preventative measures except a few clues suggesting that the origin of the virus did start in a female host and is the strongest viral strain many have seen since the Mero virus back in the late 90’s.
 
*BREAKING NEWS*
AP is reporting Stephanie and Hunter have split, and a third party is involved….more as this hot story comes in.
 
Now for the crime report. On trial for sexual harassment, Melina Perez pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of indecent exposure for the November 3rd attack on Michael Cole after a SD taping. Cole was said to have felt beyond violated by Melina’s advances, when the Diva climbed up on the announcers table, legs spread offering up her goodies. Cole was quoted as saying “Melina has a lot of nerve thinking she can just throw herself at any man and get her way. I don’t like women, every body knows this, and for her to assume that her feminine wilds can conform me is a direct and intentional violation and cannot be tolerated” Cole was then said to have grabbed his live in partner and life companion Sylvan’s hand and gone to Starbucks for lunch.
 
Nick “Eugene” Dinsmore was said to have had a relapse after teaming up with Scott Hall for the 7th annual Wrestling for Drug Awareness fund raiser. It seems that the already intoxicated duo misinterpreted the foundations intentions and began to wrestle on stage with the belief that they would be rewarded with drugs for their performance. Once informed about the mix up Hall was said to have been irate, smashing plates and other guests on the tables. While Mr. Dinsmore decided to take the time to empty out a ten ounce pouch of cocaine on the WFDA chairwoman’s chest once delivering the Rock Bottom. Police say he was able to blow about 12 lines before they were able to restrain him. Mr. Hall and Mr. Dinsmore have been charged with criminal trespassing and assault along with failure to comply with WWE law stating that only 2 ounces of cocaine per talent is allowed for recreational use while if you are a former talent, 8 is the allotted count.
 
*BREAKING NEWS*
 
AP reports that the third party in the Hunter, Stephanie split in none other than TWF’s own Joe Merrick! Stephanie states that they are in love and want the world to know that this time it’s for real!!!! This steaming from all the support Joe has given Steph over the past few months.  Joe is quoted as saying “ See guys, a fans dream can really come true”
 
We wish the new happy couple the best of luck! Oh and stay away from her brownies Joe….just a friendly reminder!
 
Finally we have our positive thought of the week.
 
The thought is this people………No one is safe in the entertainment business. We all for short of glory from time to time and it’s refreshing to know that the stars we hold so dear are human too! They can mess up, have diseases and fall in love just like the rest of us. The news is a great way to bring yourself back to the reality of the real world and rest your mind in the fact that we may be fucked up in our own opinion but these guys are a complete fucken mess!  Just a Thought Bitches!!

 

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Just a Thought. 12/02/05.By Renee

 

When We Were One
 
What’s good my bitches?!! This week has been somethin’ huh? Raw fucken sucked in my opinion. The Smackdown! Tuesday special kinda blew at first but the end was better than the whole Raw show. With Survivor Series over and being a total anticlimactic disappointment, I find myself looking back on the build up to the PPV and find more satisfaction there than I’ve seen in a while. Walk with me if you will………
 
I don’t know about you but I got a little hype for Survivor Series. I enjoyed the back & forth of the two shows vying for the top spot. Never really knowing what superstar was gonna come from behind the curtain during a match just to fuck up the show. The air of surprise they call it! It made me think back to the days were we could be watching a backstage interview and have some random wrestler come and squash the guy talking out of nowhere! Times when we’d be in the middle of watching a great match and have a rival of one of the talents from another show come in and fuck the whole thing up. Though we sort of knew what was gonna happen if we paid attention, we still got those giddy girly feelings before the actual event happened.
 
I’ll be the first person to tell you that I’m tired of SD and Raw being separate entities. I dream of a time where all wrestlers have free reign! Let my fucken people go!!!! Damnit! See if you ask me that’s the only way to get those ratings back and put the WWE in a more secure spot on TV right now! Taste this idea for a second kids; We have lets say…. Melina, and she wants to challenge Trish for the women’s title like in SS. Why can’t she “invade” Raw and take that shit in a match, go back to SD with her new title and if Trish wants that shit back….come get some! Take the tag teams, what if Kane and Show want to dominate for real and go to SD and challenge MNM for those tag titles as well. Being truly the dominant team and combining the titles or holding both up for challenge.
 
See I want Orton to be able to go talk shit to Cena, I want Batista to be able to rub Trips old title in his face on any given occasion. I want Benoit to come and break the Master Lock and Christy to come school Ashley on how to really learn to wrestle. I wanna see Ken Kennedy get beat by Shelton Benjamin and Kane fuck up Takers matches with a whole bunch of fire and stuff. Is it asking too much for some unpredictability and togetherness people?
 
The thought is this……….I don’t mind having two different shows, having two different rosters and each talent actually being assigned to a single show. But to limit them anymore is suicide for SD and back to the old hand-me-down storylines of the past for Raw! If you’re on the new talent tip then bring a breath of fresh air to the whole shebang!! New faces, new rules, new plots, new champs and no doubt, new interest. Just a Thought.

 

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Just a Thought. 11/24/05.By Renee

 

JUST SAY NO!!
 
I don’t know about you my little bitches but a good pill every now and then takes the edge of shit sometimes. If you got a head ache, back ache, it’s nothing for us to just pop a Tylenol and call it a night. For a wrestler, we can magnify that pain by about a thousand and accompany it with body soreness, misplaces bones, migraines and more. Pack on the pressure of actually having to have your body in good enough shape to allow these bumps bruises and banged bones to happen with minimal damage to a person. Two major avenues for an abuse problem obviously, but none the less invited by the beast itself.
 
The WWE has made it no secret during its years that bigger is better. We all know Vince gets a hard on for big guys that like to smash! But the guys that aren’t Bobby Lashley’s or Triple H’s and Batista’s have to reply on “other” ways to get the beefiness they desire to appease. Okay, that honestly doesn’t bother me. If you have a desired size and can achieve it safely and under the guidance of a physician then by all means do your damn thing. Steroids have been used responsibly before. However, in the past Vince hasn’t been to forward with the use of steroids by any of his talents that haven’t been caught in scandal due to either OD’s or incidents due to intoxication or being under the influence of what ever drug of choice. And though there have been no reports that I’ve heard regarding a “roid rage” murder, anything is possible my pets.  Though in all seriousness, we have all heard of the problems and side effects of Steroid abuse. We get that it can fuck you up but good, and turn you into a nothing just as fast as it made you a something! Huh? Anyway!
 
The part that fries my chicken is that Vince is acting like THIS TIME he will enforce this drug policy. Some are reporting that in light of Eddie’s death Vince wanted to make sure the WWE isn’t scrutinized under false innuendo’s since the WWE is often targeted in steroid and drug issues. Fuck those reports! The very reference to Eddie tarnishes the WWE in my opinion. There have been no indications that Eddie was under the influence of anything and for anyone to refer to him regarding this issue is plain disrespectful and irresponsible. However, more along the lines of my point, Vince putting up his defenses and sending people away to rehab should have been something done a long time ago. Nick “Eugene” Dinsmore passes out and is rushed to the hospital due to an OD on pain killers. Okay, we’ve all heard the story before. Vince sends him to rehab and suspends him indefinitely as any responsible boss should. We’re doing fine at this point, but how bout if it was Batista. Would he have been suspended indefinitely or cleaned up that night, given some No-Doze and pushed back into that ring with a hush and a “go get em’ tiger”? Would Vince’s adamancy be as forth coming if the star that had the abuse problem was a main eventer in the middle of a push? I don’t give a fuck what you think I think he’d break his fucken neck by turning the other way so quick! Who you are matters in this drug issue whether we believe it or not. But pain killers and steroids are too totally different things and should be handled as such. When Jeff hardy was repeatedly busted for cocaine abuse, notice I say repeatedly cuz it shows that he was given many chances, however the only time something was actually done was when it got in the way of the product. Jeff had failed tests three times and was a no show a taping twice before he was let go and help was only offered after the fact. So what’s the limit, the standard or the actual drug that results in the firing or fining?
 
The thought is this……….Do anything long enough and it’s a habit. It’s the basic definition. Everything fun, beneficial, transforming and altering in life is abused if put in the literal use of the term. For the things that wrestlers have to put their bodies through, there is no way each and everyone of them haven’t abused a drug or substance, legal or not in some way to get rid of the pain they have to endure. I’m not accusing all wrestlers of using pain killers, I’m saying that do to the setting they’re in and the expectations put on them, pain is inevitable therefore, there must be relief, do the math. This drug policy thingie is too broad of a spectrum to make it an all encompassing rule of the WWE. Not that we should be more lenient to pain killers as opposed to steroids or cocaine, but considering the atmosphere your dealing with, there should be a specified contractual amendment of sorts regarding drug issues. There’s no way you can use the same rule for all circumstances. I doubt in my heart of hearts that Vince is going to take any kind of grand stand on the drug issue. I see him only putting his foot down on it if you make him and his company look bad. Eugene passing out is bad, Jeff not showing is bad, but if you can work through it, manage to get to work on time, not blow any spots too bad and coral your habit enough to be functional……..don’t ask, don’t tell. Just a Thought.

 

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 Just a Thought. 11/17/05.By Renee

 

My Good Bye
 
Hey there JAT friends. I don’t have it in me this week to bring you the hate or the funny. I miss Eddie and I want him back. Sounds childish yes but bet ya all have the same wish. However since we all know this can’t happen, this is my good bye.
 
I’ll miss you Eddie. You made me learn how to relax with wrestling, taking the intensity out of a plot with the humor only you knew how to bring. The natural flow of realism that you poured out every time you were on the screen can never be surpassed. You made us connect like no other by showing us your faults and mistakes. You made us realize that we are all human and can suffer alike. You conquered you demons with humility and poise still remaining the average joe’s hero and never losing sight of who you wanted to be.
 
I can go into what I feel you accomplished in the ring but to me the loss I feel is so much more than losing a great in ring wrestler. I think many will agree with me when I say, you where like a friend. A good friend that we always knew we could count on for a good time and honest talent. I miss you Eddie because you in my opinion represented us…the fans. You made us comfortable enjoying you because you were just as vulnerable as we are. When you were in the ring, we were with you. Through great achievements and blown spots, we loved you and understood that, hey shit happens; besides…..it’s Eddie. You made us feel like we were the show and you were the fan. You made sure you acknowledged us regardless of story lines and feuds and always come back to us to let us know that this was all for love.
 
I can’t really put into words how I felt that day I found out you passed. I still can’t digest it fully. I don’t want enjoy this world of wrestling without you. I’m as selfish as the rest of your fans but my only solace is that I know due to my beliefs that I will finally meet you one day when it’s my time.  You are my son’s favorite wrestler and when I told him what happened he didn’t really understand at first that it wasn’t an angle, ha! Poor kid. But once he finally understood, he asked if he could send you a letter to take with you up to heaven. I promised him I would put his letter in my column so everyone could read it since he couldn’t actually give it to you.  So as my final good bye and thought here is my baby boy's good bye to you, word for word.
 
Dear Eddie
I’m sorry you had to go to heaven so soon. I wish I saw your show before. I love you Eddie and I’m going to miss you very much. Tell Jesus you didn’t mean to steal because if you say your sorry he forgives you. I love you Eddie and I never will throw out your T-shirt.
 
Goodbye Love Justin
 
 
That honestly says it all for me too. Thank you Eddie for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
 
I LOVE YOU!  Rest in Peace!

 

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Just a Thought. 11/10/05.By Renee

 

Hello my pretty bitches. This week I regret to inform you that I have no funny for ya. I have no ray of sunshine, nor words of encouragement for anyone. I’m pissed off once again at what’s going on in the world of wrestling entertainment, and once again, yes I am here to bitch. But not in the way you may think.
 
Yes, I’m upset at the fact that Taboo Tuesday blew fucken hairy dick, but I kinda expected that due to all the buzz about Austin deserting once again, injuries to Kane and Edge, Christian leaving the company and the fact that all the damn story lines or what ever you want to call them where thrown together so quick that the event totally looked rushed and unorganized. But I digress; all that tasty stuff is not my point of irritation.
 
Honestly, I’m disappointed in how the WWE is handling Triple H. No I’m not feverish but I do think he deserves a better story line. We’ve seen Trip be face and heel alike. Weather we liked his motives for either stance, there was a kind of understanding, through history and through Trips own patterns of behavior to make his gripe or fight hold some weight. The premise of Trips latest feud with Flair is beyond weak in execution. I get the fact that Trip feels Flair is past his prime and should be done. I get that Flair wants to show that he still has a bit left in him. A good old fashion “evolution” plot. This is the pimple I was referring to.
 
Triple H has spent the last year or so fucking us with the Evolution stick with Flair, Orton & Batista at his side. Orton, who was to represent the “future” aspect of Evolution drops off with Big Dave to be next in line to represent the click as the up and comer! Flair, being the representation of the “history” or “wisdom”. Trip, being the “now”. The structure made sense. Dave has his moment of clarity and Evolution can evolve no more. We have the history and the now, with no one to pass the torch to for the future. So instead of maintaining Evolution and trying to grab a new form of the future they rant and bitch to us (fans) that they are the “man” and they show that they don’t need the same sort of premise as before to actually be “Evolution”, they were enough.
 
Okay I’ll even try to digest that part, but to now have Trip declare Flair as washed up or done totally negates the last two years that we as fans had to fucken swallow for the sake of so called entertainment. Yes, Flair verses Trip is a nice idea. But they both deserved better build up and more thought to the purpose of the feud. To have Trip just decide out of the blue that Flair is mediocre and have this enormous hate and jealousy is ridiculous. One can argue that more has been done with less and I agree, but Flair and Hunter? A duo that has been a major force for over a year gets a week or two build up to a mediocre match with results that anyone could have predicted. How weak is that. It was a rush to put Flair and Trip in an event in time of Taboo Tuesday and it didn’t have to make sense to us. Sure to be lazy you can always chalk it up to Trip just being Trip. The Cerebral Assassin strikes again. I don’t like it and I’m not buying it damnit! For these two there should have been more substance to the fight.
 
The thought is this……………..We’re being bombarded with weak plots, untalented stars and smothered, skillful superstars jobbing to newbies on web casts of Heat or Velocity.  Why is fucken Rob Conway not wrestling his ass off in the ring with Shelton Benjamin if they want to push him, why is Hurricanes turn, a point of interest with all the other talent waiting to be used? Why would you take your self proclaimed “Top Guy” and lazily put him in a feud that could have been done with so much more finesse and could have become one of the great feuds of the year in Trip & Flair? If they’re being that lazy and reckless with even Hunter, where is the WWE going? How bout down my fucking toilet with all the other shit!!! Just a Thought!

 

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 Just a Thought. 10/27/05.By Renee

 

Journal Entry # 763287
 
It’s been 6 months and 24 days since I lost my dream. These people have no idea what it is to be as great as I am and have your dream stolen. Edge comes out swingin his dick with his whore on his arm and tries to tell me…JBL….THE Wrestling God that I’M a has been? That no one cares about me or Smackdown? God damnit I made Smackdown what it is today! How dare that plague infested little shit even wrench his overgrown jaw to even utter the words. Getting some pansy ass roided up male impersonator to try and cop a feel on me with a “Master Lock”.
 
But I showed them …Ya see it takes a brain to be a Wrestling God. They underestimated the mental abilities of good ol’ JBL. I siked them out and made them all look like asses!! That’s the problem with these fancy long haired idiots who think they can get over with moderately good looks and harsh words. They have no respect for what men like me….PIONEERS!! have done int his business. They go spoutin’ off at the mouth fittin’ to get their asses handed to ‘em.  They will respect me! ASSES WILL BE HANDED OUT!!!! DAMNIT!!! That Lita got some kinda ass as well. Pretty lil’ thing, too bad she done got to burnin’ folks though. I coulda plunged her somthin heavenly. They look like two girls in the ring together, her and Edge. Edge thinks he’s pretty! Ha! Bob Holly said he squealed like a pig. Ha! Ha! Can’t take it huh boy!!? By God I’d tare him up something awful. Have his pretty lil’ ass beggin’!! Ha Ha!! I’d get Holly to hold him down! Ha!
 
Hey that reminds me, where the fuck has Holly been? Not returning my calls. He told me backstage the other night that it still hurts him to see me with Orlando. He doesn’t understand what I need to do for business sake. He’s too all or nothing with me. But the night we shared last week was amazing. Whooo doggie!! Sometimes I think he’s the only one that knows how to comfort me.  Orlando’s been getting on my nerves too. Tryin’ to tell me that he doesn’t want to be seen in public as much anymore. Tryin to protect his reputation. I made him damnit! What fucken reputation. Repeatedly tappin’ out in lest than 25 seconds. Pathetic! Ron would have never tapped! Damn, Ron…that was some goooood dark meat. I might have to give him a call soon. Get my usual filler-up! Ha! Yeah man…that dark meat is the sweetest…I heard that Tupac thug say that shit one day on my way to work, before someone did the great service of shootin him. Sumthin like the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice. Ha ha! Ain’t that the damn truth? Too bad that Shelton boy had to go skip to Raw, he was fucken perfect. Maybe I’ll see him at Survivor Series, throw him a wink and see what’s up.
 
I just don’t understand. Some of those people were cheering for that asshole Edge. Fuck them. Those audiences are fucken cows anyway. Internet junkie geeks and trailer trash whores. Ha! You can’t break JBL fuckers! I am…a…WRESTLING GOD! That’s all it is to it. That thug Cena got lucky then ran off to Raw with my title. Batista’s sleepin on good ol’ JBL right now. Thinks he got the best of me. I’ll be back to take what’s mine. I just gotta deal with this punk Edge first. I can’t wait to get his ass in the ring. I can almost taste it! He probably tastes like creamy filling from a cupcake. Okay STOP JBL. Stay focused. Hate Hate Hate!! Stay focused!! Think about all that shit after the match!!! I think I need to be getting to sleep now. My mind is all a mess. Tomorrows another Godly day!...........Fuck it, I’m calling Ron!

 

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Just a Thought. 10/20/05.By Renee

 

I get a call from my pal Kerwin from Raw the other day and he was pissed off about a letter that was sent to him by an organization he was trying to be a member of. He asked if I could read it to see if any of his rights were being violated in regards to his rejection. So I took a look at it, cuz I didn’t want my friend to be judged unfairly. I have to say….these people are horrible and Kerwin has a great opportunity for a discrimination law suit. You tell me what ya think……

 

 

Dear Mr. White,

 

It has come to our attention at W.I.R. that in submitting your request to become a member of our prestigious society, certain areas of discloser have been falsified and/or are not correct or accurate.

 

Item #1: Race – you checked White/Caucasian.

This was found later to be false.

           

Item#2: Place of Birth: checked off as Beverly Hills, CA. We later found that you were born in El Paso, TX which is what led us to the inquiry into your roots.

El Paso sounded way too ethnic of a town for you not to have some sort of mix in you. So we did some digging.

           

Which brought us to your relatives in El Paso; we did not like what we found at all.

 

Findings: Kerwin White – unknown

 

Name: Chavo Gurrero - found by your social security number given by a rather nice and remarkably fairly clean, challupa eating Mexican lady that called herself your mama.

 

In this society we cannot deal with dishonesty nor can we tolerate any infraction of the rules or guidelines provided. In layman’s terms, Mr. White, you are not…White. Becoming a member of the White Is Right or W.I.R isn’t something to be taken lightly nor in jest; we strive to be the supreme race of purity and goodness.

           

To find that you are not of Caucasian background, not to mention a Mexican, is just as offensive as spitting directly in our leaders face. In addition your verve and aspirations should have never been applied to an organization so out of your reach.

           

We urge you to refrain from contacting our offices in the future and remain steadfast in making sure mishaps like these don’t reoccur.

           

We are obviously apologetic for your current ethnic situation and try to relate to what you may be going through, but in all honesty, your kind is really none of our concern unless your applying for the landscaping position posted in our early October newsletter. (references and green card must be included with application at our NY office)

           

We are however human, and do understand rejection. We here at W.I.R. do realize that one would be devastated by the thought of not being accepted and though we don’t have a solution for you; you can rest assured that you are not the first and surely won’t be the last to experience the realization of being inferior.

           

 We will not be contacting you again after this letter and if you don’t want to brought up on harassment charges, you will not continue to acquire any memberships in the future. I wish we can say be proud and have a great life, but we know you’ll never be anything more than what you are. We suggest you just try to find solace in knowing that you tried and though you failed, you did help us come up with a better, more in depth screening process. To that we extend a gloved hand of thanks.

 

 Cordially, "The Man" – President W.I.R.

 

 

I believe Kerwin has been wronged. How can these people shun someone who’s trying to make his life better?

See the thought is this………If someone is a Catholic and decides to change and become a Jew, do they shun them. If someone feels they have been born the wrong sex, they are free, by law, to go and get that change up to be what they felt inside. If Kerwin feels that he’s a white man in his heart and studied the ways and culture, put the time in to make sure he was informed of his duties as a white man. Why is he not excepted? The Mob mentality of basically not being “made” unless you’re of pure heritage is bullshit. Does he not bleed the same blood if pricked? Poor Kerwin…I believe in you, and if you do too, support our friend in his efforts to be accepted, cuz as we all know……….If it ain’t White…it ain’t right. Just a thought.

 

 

Just a Thought. 10/15/05.By Renee

 

Hey, Hey there little JAT bitches, glad to see me back in action I hope. Actually I haven't just been sitting around on my pretty little ass this whole time. I've been out there working for my fans damnit and I tell you!.I will never be the fucken same.

I took a road trip on my hiatus to find out what really makes the wrestling stars tick. And what better source than their own family and friends to get the dirt on some of our favorite WWE talents.

Now being the independent bitch I am, I was gonna go at this alone but I was thinking that I needed some help with things like driving and if I got into trouble I’d need someone to throw to the wolves as I ran away. With that being said I asked around for company but no one really was interested in traveling. However just when I thought all hope was lost……… I found my bitch…….

No, not fucking Bacon.

My buddy Joe was in on this, but let me tell ya, it took a lot to persuade him.

Nay: I'll let you use my Just a Thought catchphrase

Joe: I'll do it!

So, we were ready to interview the families of various WWE Wrestlers. First thing we had to sort out was packing:

Nay: Ok, I got clothes, toothbrush, booze...

Joe: Booze?

Nay: yeah, helps if you want a wrestler to let something slip.

Joe: Ah sneaky. I'm gonna take my autograph book

Nay: We're visiting Snitsky’s house first

Joe: Forget THAT then

 *On the road!*

Joe: Holy shit this thing is fast! Look at us go!

Nay: I haven’t started driving yet

Joe: Well sorry, I’m just excited

Nay: Me too. Its great meeting wrestlers

Joe: Aye, Who you have you met?

Nay: Heidenreich

Joe: Really?

Nay: Yup. Got the restraining order to prove it too.

We enter the town of Nesquehoning, PA

*we approach Snitsky’s house*

Joe: What in buttfuck is that !?

Nay: I think...I think it's a giant shoe

Joe: What the hell were they popping when they made that? And what's that thing waving at us?

Nay: that must be Snitky's mother

*An old woman is stood at the door and greets us*

Mother: You must be those writers! Well welcome to my home. May I get you something to eat?

Nay: I'm not hungry thanks, but my friend here is usually quite peckish

Joe:...!

Mother: oh, well follow me into the kitchen *walks off*

Joe: Hate you so much...

*In the kitchen*

Nay: well it was wonderful of you to have us, Mrs. Snitsky

Mother: Oh no problem, we don't get many visitors

Joe: I wonder why....Hey...are those...

Mother: What? Oh those! yes, I see you've spotted my collection!

Joe: they're fucking fetuses in jars!

Mother: yeah, lil Gene is one of the ones that dun got away!

Nay: What do you mean?

Mother: Well I tried to have him aborted as well, but he put up a fight! Kinda proud of him for that. he fell off of the table right on his face!

Nay: that explains a lot

Mother: yeah. Handsome thing ain’t he? I'm so proud of him. He collects fetuses for me now.

Joe: You mean...

Mother: Yup. that's why he attacks random pregnant women

Nay: I see...Well, May I ask a personal question?

Joe: Do you shower?

Nay: Shhh! Mrs. Snitsky, why does your son show...well, an interest in women’s feet?

Joe: uh, Nay...

Nay: Not now, bitch

Joe: No. Seriously.

*Nay looks and sees another jar with toes in it*

Nay: Ho. Lee. Shit.

Mother: Well, as well as fetuses, I collect toes...and, well, he took a shine to them

Joe: Are all you Americans like this? Seriously?

Nay: OK, we better wrap this up...nice seeing you, Mrs. Snitsky

Mother: take care now! Would you like a jar of pickled genitals for the road?

 After that moving experience, me and Joe got back on the road and headed for the good ol south. Cameron, North Carolina in fact, to visit the home of the WWE’s biggest pussy, Matt Hardy.

We come up on an old ranch style house with about 16 dogs running loose in the yard and a grimy, lanky character standing on the porch. Dressed in a pair of dirty ripped jeans and cut off Slayer T-shirt, we approached with caution…………

Nay: We’re looking for the relatives of WWE star Matt Hardy. We’re from TWF and are here to get some insight on our star for our site.

Joe: We were told to speak to a….Jim….Jimin………Jiminy is it?

Jiminy: That there would be me sir, I reckon yous want some inferrmashun bout my brother and that pretty lil red head he’s got them feelins ferr.

Joe: Excuse me? Your brother?

Nay: Are you saying your Matt’s Brother?

Jiminy: Hell yeah…..uncle too 

Joe: This isn’t gonna be good…….

Nay: can you tell us about Matt and why he’s seems to be so obsessed with Lita even after what she’s done to him?

Jiminy: Aw yeah, Matt and Lita. Real shame, too. I mean how could she go from Real men like us rednecks to some damn Cannadanneeann?

 

Joe: Yeah…… Wait, what do you mean?

 

Jiminy: oh, ask ah buddies, Hank, Cletus and Billy. They slept with Lita too. Barely surrrvived.

 

So we go to question them:

 

Nay: Hey there…uh, Hank is it? Um …your fellow redneck Jiminy directed us to you saying that you wouldn’t be too uncomfortable speaking with us in regards to your relationship with Lita.  Would that be alright?

 

Hank: Sure therr pretty lady I ain’t uncummferbil bout nuthin. How you think Ah lost mah arm?!

 

Joe: I...really...really..don't wish to know

 

Nay: And you too, Mr...?

 

Cletus: Cletus…… yeah. Well look at ol' Matt. Thinks he's so big..He's the only one round here who has a computer! So ah went and slept with his girlfriend.

 

Joe: did you get any...impediments?

 

Cletus: Naw. Well, Maybe some crabs on top of the ones Ah already got.

 

Nay: Nice!

 

Cletus: Well at least I didn’t end up like Billy. He ended up with severe retarrrdation

 

Joe: Really?

 

Cletus: yeah. There he is now.

 

Billy: I have a very small vocabulary

 

Joe: Well, what can you say?

 

Billy:....I have a very small vocabulary.

 

Nay: Sweet Shit Lita's a natural disaster

 

Jiminy: That's right. Folks round here call her the K.O.D. Kiss of Death. Man, the injuries just keep getting worse errytime someone beds ‘er.

 

Nay:...have you ever tried...NOT sleeping with her?

 

*Joe appears with no arms and boils on his skin*

 

Nay: The hell have YOU been?

 

Joe: Well, the queue was getting shorter so I just got in line...can't beat those prices, I tell ya!

 

Nay:...You're sitting in the back of the car from now on

 

Joe slept for the next day on the road. Fevering and convulsing throughout the night dealing with the side effects of his mistake.

 

Nay: So, recovered?

 

Joe: Yeah, most of the itching’s gone and luckily I didn’t lose my pen-

 

Nay: Anyway! Hey, you smell something?

 

Joe: *sniffs*...Smells funny...hey, is that house over there on fire?!

 

Nay:...No..I think we've just arrived at our next stop. Hey ol' RVD might give us a few samples, eh?

 

Joe: yeah, like his One of a Kind dvd?

 

Nay:...uh yeah, yeah...

 

Joe: I can’t wait….I’ll knock.

 

Nay: No wait damnit!...This is RVD’s house. He’s a bit paranoid…..there’s a secret knock so he knows we’re not the cops.

 

*does the secret knock*

 

RVD: Is that who I think it is?

 

Joe: Yes it’s me!

 

Nay: Shut up! Yeah man it’s Nay, open up!

 

RVD: Come on in, but hurry up….I think they’re watching me.

 

Joe: Who?

 

RVD: You know, the……Hey, want a smoothie?

 

Joe: Who?

 

RVD: You!

 

Joe: I’m watching you?

 

RVD: You are? I KNEW IT!

 

Joe: Huh?

 

Nay: Calm down….yes I want a smoothie! By the way Rob….where are your pants?

 

RVD: I only wear my ring undies cuz I found a bug in my regular pants.

 

Joe: A bug?

 

RVD: Yeah, they’re listening to everything and if you like iced tea, raspberry is the best!

 

Joe: What the fuck are you talking about?

 

RVD: Are you thirsty, I have wicked cotton mouth!

 

Nay: Yeah well, honestly Rob, we came for some supplies and to wash up and get right back on the road. I’m gonna go in the back and clean up, why don’t you tell Joe here about some of your ECW days.

 

RVD: Dude! It was great, this one time me and Sabu were workin this show in Dallas….do you know that Dallas has some really good weed? Sabu was in the middle of getting a table to bring in the ring. So me and this guy Ed went to go pick up from this guy named Gonzo who we heard had the best shit in town….Anyway….. So I go up on the top rope and he totally missed the spot. The crowd went nuts and  I never did make it back to the hotel that night. Gonzo’s shit was awesome! I don’t remember the rest really, but it was a great show!

 

Joe: What the fuck just happened?

 

RVD: You heard it too right?

 

Joe: Heard what?

 

RVD: Shhhhh, oh shit they’re here!

 

Joe: What in flaming fuck is in that bong?

 

Nay: Okay I’m ready, thanks for the hospitality Rob, but we’ve gotta get back on the road. We’re on our way to “Sin City” Las Vegas!

 

RVD: Holy shit, I got some of the best shit in Las Vegas, one time,  me and Sabu….

 

Joe: Get me out of here.

 

So once I stole some of RVD’s weed, I packed us some food and we got back on the road heading towards Las Vegas. We get to the Trump Plaza were we’re scheduled to meet up with Val Venis for an interview.

 

Joe: It’s says he’s in room 302, this is it!

 

The door is slightly ajar so we slowly walk in……

 

Nay: Oh! Sorry, Mr Venis!

 

Val: Hellllooooo Ladies!

 

Joe:....scuse me?

 

Nay: Uhm...we were just wondering if we could ask a few questions? I'm Nay, and this is Joe from TWF

 

Val: Anything for a fine woman like yourself...er, May was it?

 

Nay: Nay..short for Renee, ass...... Anyway, we wanted to know if-

 

*Vis walks in wearing leopard skin underwear*

Vis: hello handsome!

 

Nay: What in the motherfucking christ...

 

Val: uuh..this isnt what it looks like! We're just..practicing...wrestling! I mean, we're on the same tag team right? Practice makes perfect!

 

Val: Oh yeah, hunni. keep up the act. Only practicing we've been doing is Pinfalls and submission holds if ya get what I mean

 

Joe: I do and I fucking hate you.

 

Nay: So, this is why you didn’t go out with Lillian?

 

Vis: Actually no, I was with Coach at that time

 

Coach pops up from under the bed*

 

Coach: I TRUSTED YOU!

 

*Nay snaps a picture*

 

*So does Vis*

 

Nay: Wow ! You guys are literally a bunch of bitches!

 

* Joe sees Vis coming towards him*

 

Joe: My God it's taking up my air

 

*looking at Joe lovingly*

 

Vis: I always wanted to try some Biritish candy!

 

Joe: Ah, fuck. Nay, can we leave? Please?

 

Nay: Maybe some other time Vis...

 

Vis: that's Miss Vis

 

*Grabs Joe and runs out*

 

 

Nearing our last stop, I decide to visit the pharmacy:

 

Joe: What we doing at a pharmacy?

 

Nay: I got a headache

 

Joe: SORRY I DIDNT QUITE CATCH THAT

 

Nay: bastard

 

*inside*

 

Nay: Hey….is that..?

 

Joe: Holy crap that's Razor Ramon, chico! HEY RAZOR!

 

Hall: Oh hey, a fan?

 

Joe: Well, yeah! I was such a Razor fan as a kid! What you doing here?

 

Hall: Well, I have a prescription from my doctor

 

*cut to*

 

Hall: You got any sleeping pills doc?

 

Doc: Absolutely not. I don’t believe in such things. Try a little alcohol, that helps you rest you know.

 

Hall: I do that already doc

 

Doc: really?

 

Hall: Yea, every night I have 3 brandies, 4 martinis, some tequila and 5 vodkas

 

Doc: ....and you can't sleep?

 

Hall: No, I'm up all night singing.

 

*cut back*

 

Joe: OMG best story in teh EVAR!1!11!1!

 

Nay: Please excuse my friend. His inner-fanboy can get the better of him. Hey, you mind us asking you some questions?

 

Hall: Sure, chica

 

Nay: What the fuck happened?

 

Hall: hey, it wasn't my fault! I'm taking steps to quit the booze, you know...

 

Nay: That explains your six-pack

 

Hall: oh why thank you I have been working out...

 

Nay: I mean the beer in your bag, dufus.

 

Joe: RAZOR! How could you?! You have disgraced the Ramon name!

 

Hall: Kid, my name isn't really...

 

Joe: Good day, sir!

 

*Joe marches off*

 

Nay: One other thing, why the hell did your old theme song begin with a car skidding?

 

 

Hall: Well, I'll tell you ONE thing, it certainly was NOT me running over some girl one night when I was DUI!

 

Nay:...riight...

 

Kane: THAT WAS YOU?!

 

.......

 

Kane: Thanks, man, best lay of my life!

 

*Nay walks out, tripping over a writhing Nash*

 

Nay: Oops!

 

Nash: MORE MEDS! PLEASE!

 

*in the car*

 

Joe: .....

 

Nay: You alright?

 

Joe: I just found out my childhood favorite stinks like a dead hobo.

 

Nay: hey, don't feel too bad. We're nearing our final stop now. We're gonna visit ol' SOS.

 

Joe: Huzzah!!!!! Let the jobbing begin!!!

 

We arrive at the huge mansion owned by HHH and Steph. There is a statue of a sledgehammer in the garden:

Nay:...How modern.

Joe: Dude, this house is creepy. There's a bloody graveyard next to it.

Nay: Yeah I know. What does that one say?

Joe: ...Chris Jericho? Hey and there's one with RVD's name on it

Nay: Sweet Jesus look at them all! Let's just get this over with.

*Nay rings the doorbell. Suddenly a sledgehammer pops out and clocks Joe. HHH jumps out and pins him for 3*

HHH: I am-uh that-uh damn-uh good-uh!

Joe: You're a fucking TARD-UH.

Nay: um, we're from the wrestling website TWF? We was wondering if we could ask you some questions?

HHH: ...You don’t look like fat 12 year olds

Joe:...Thanks?

*Inside, Stephanie greets us as we sit at the table. There's a mountain of fries on her plate*

Steph: So nice to meet you, I'm a big fan of your site!

Joe:..Really?

Steph: Yes! I loved the fact that I was nominated for a Fanny! And I was in a high spot on that Harry Simon's 50 Greatest Wrestler Moments!

Joe: uh, that was actually...

Nay: Well! We're glad you're a fan! First question I would like to ask, is-

*HHH Tries to eat one of Steph's fries but she slaps his hand away*

Steph: No! Bad! Bad Boy! What did we discuss? Now you know you should be punished for that!

Nay:…Did we walk into some weird S&M shit?

Joe: Heh, heh, alllriiight...!!

HHH: No! Anything but that! Please!

Steph: Go to your room Hunter!

Joe: His room?

Steph: Yeah, it's only just a little cage over there

HHH: Not..the HELL-UH in the CELL-UH!!!

Steph: Get in!

*HHH is locked in and inexplicably starts bleeding*

Joe: Shouldn’t we at least feed him a few steroids?

Nay: Well, let me ask you something Steph...How is your relationship with your parents, at the moment?

Steph: Are you trying to break us apart?!

Nay:...what?

Steph: You leave my daddy alone!

Nay: What the fuck?

Steph: YOU SAID BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY!

Nay: Look, you crazy bitch I'm just trying to ask you some questions!

Steph: Oh yeah, probably just trying to get in my husbands pants, or even my brother's. Well tough luck, he's doing adult movies now.

*cut to*

Shane: Here comes the Moneeeeey shot!

Vis: You're so much nicer than that English kid!

*cut back*

Nay: Oh you’re calling me a slut? Bitch I’ll break your fucken………

*Nay mauls Steph to the ground*

Joe: CAT FIGHT! CAT FIIIIIGHT!

HHH: Some body let me out of here!!

 

*Joe lets him out*

 

HHH: I’ve been dying to do that for years. I really think I love you Nay!

 

Nay: Glad I could be of some help to ya Super Snacks, what the fuck is wrong with that bitch! Oh and by the way….You have no shot!

 

HHH: Ahh she’s always been jealous of me!

 

Nay: Really? That’s some shit.

 

*Joe sees a shadow in the hall way*

 

Joe: Is that…..is that who I think it is?

 

Lita: Hey baby boy, I missed you.

 

*Lita walks over to Joe and licks his ear...which suddenly mutates*

 

Joe: I want my mum!

 

Nay: Holy VD fuck!!….why the hell is the KOD here?

 

*Steph gets up from the floor*

 

* screeching*

 

Steph: Because she’s mine! You people are trying to destroy me and take everything I worked so hard for my daddy to get for me, I want you all out of my house now!!! NOW!!!!!!

 

*Nay grabs Trips sledgehammer*

 

Nay: I’m about to fuck everyone up in this place, you people are fucken crazy! C’mon Joe……..Joe.

 

Joe: She won’t let go…..

 

Lita: I followed you all the way back here to make you mine baby, don’t you remember how hot it was between us?

 

 

Joe: It still burns, believe me.

 

Nay: *with sledgehammer in hand* I will knock your ass to fucken Smackdown! if you don’t get your hands off him bitch!

 

*Lita lets go of him*

 

Lita: *To Joe* Fuckin prudes!

 

*Nay clubs her with the sledge hammer*

 

Nay: Bitch!  Let’s get the fuck out of here!

 

HHH: Please take me with you!! PLEASE!!!!!!

 

* Nay and Joe give him the finger as they leave*

 

So, once back on the road and leaving Connecticut, me and Joe had some time to reflect on our experiences. I felt kinda bad that his first time dealing with wrestlers was so outrageous but, what the fuck, he’s a big boy ( Joe's note: heh, heh, allllriiight!), he’ll get over it.

As for me, it was an enlightening experience to say the least. Val Venis was as charming as ever. Finding a lost Hardy boy helped explain a lot of what makes Matt tick and Lita gain force in being the total natural disaster she is.

Steph and Trip were of no surprise and Snitsky’s mom…. Well, did we really think his home life was much different from what we actually saw? RVD will always be my boy, even if he can’t tell a decent story to save his life and Scott Hall….well ….he’s gonna die soon I’m sure.

 

The thought is this…………You never fucken know how fucken sick and twisted people really are until you talk to their families and friends. Seeing the stars in their most vulnerable state hasn’t made me understand shit! It’s traumatized poor Joe, and confirmed what I’ve thought all along, that wrestlers come from fucken crazy retards. How else do you explain it? They’ve been chipped off the ol’ insanity block and shipped fresh to us for our viewing pleasure. I guess you ‘d have to be though. What “normal” person would put their bodies on the line the way they do.  Kinda like getting the slow kid in school to do tricks for you at lunchtime by jumping off the tables and shit for entertainment. (Joe's note: I WAS that kid...) Just a bit more high risk and a lot more lucrative. Either way we’re entertained and like them, but really don’t want to be seen in public with them. Overall I enjoyed my tour of the wrestling community and look forward to new and fun experiences. I doubt I’ll be getting back on the road anytime soon. I need a new companion; Joe enters treatment for his rash on Friday. So I’ll be taking applications in the near future. Take this as a learning experience though kids. Not all soft, wet things are touchable. Just a…

 

Joe: Thought!  Ha Bitches!!!!!!! Nay put me over!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).