Hello, friends. H-Bomb here. Rather than answer my e-mail, I think I'll just kill two birds with one stone and play my own little version of 20 Questions.
Q: Why the fuck haven't you updated since January, you lazy fuck?
A: Whaddaya want? A refund? Like Cyrus once said to Joey Styles on an ECW broadcast, "Calm down, it's only wrestling." Hey, when we launch the TWF premium site with no ads and funnier jokes for a monthly fee, THEN you can start bitching. Besides, I know when I've peaked. I ain't topping Rumble Of The Damned any time soon, so why try? Hence, this lazy ass "column" to bridge the gap between ROTD and hopefully something good. Hey, it was either this or sharing my fond memories of Hercules Hernandez, folks.
Q: Seriously, where have you been?
A: Writer Rehab. The fact that Bradshit is getting a main event push kinda made me lose my smile for a bit. If Feinstein were smart, he would blame Bradshit's push for driving him to his perversions.
Q: Speaking of Rob "Ringboy Breath" Feinstein, will you continue to support ROH after his outing?
A: I never supported it in the first place. I didnt spend the better part of my 20's using a computer to make connections amongst people who complain about pro wrestling so I would have to pay for wrestling tapes. To suggest otherwise is almost as offensive to me as Feinsteins crimes.
Q: Was the Montreal screwjob a work?
A: Yes. Bret, Shawn, Vince, and Earl still laugh at you because you fell for it. You should take this lesson to heart and remember that EVERYTHING you see on a wrestling program is fake. Crash Holly isn't really dead, either. Creative just didnt have any ideas for him.
Q: Are those Japanese matches as good as everyone on the internet says they are?
A: No. Seen one, seen em all. Two guys kick each other in the head for 40 minutes then one of 'em gets pinned. Foreign wrestling matches are a lot like foreign films; no one really understands 'em, but they dont want strangers to think they're stupid, so they rave about them and turn their noses up at anyone who says otherwise. Kawada wishes he could be as entertaining to watch as The Big Show.
Q: What is this "Rotting Royal Rumble" I keep hearing about?
A: You never heard about it, you lying bastard. That was an uninspired segue to another future project of mine. So far, I count 14 dead wrestlers who have competed in Royal Rumbles over the years. (Studd, Yoko, Murdoch, Owen, Davey, Rude, Herc, JYD, Andre, Hawk, Crash, Kerry, Bravo, Hennig.) Once we get to 30, this thing is parody-bound. I give it until 2006, by the way. And thats only because Im lazy, not because I dont expect wrestlers to die.
Q: What the hell is your obsession with dead wrestlers, anyway?
A: Dead wrestlers are funny. Dead wrestlers = comedy. Every time. You know I type the truth. Besides, dead wrestlers can neither kick my ass or sue. Come on, how many other people do you know of that died like Herb Abrams? Only in rasslin.
Q: Huh? Who was Herb Abrams and how did he die?
A: Even by wrestling "standards," Herb was a con man among con men. He was promoter of the ill-fated UWF in the early 90s and burned bridges like RVD burns his own fingertips. Herb died in the mid-90s after a drug-fueled rampage where he stripped naked, smeared a "Vaseline-type substance" all over himself and ran amok around an office complex, breaking stuff with a baseball bat. I swear on Molly's cleavage that I am not making any of this up. This, by the way, is the only question I will never ever tire of answering.
Q: Christ, is there anyone in the industry you actually LIKE?
Q: Besides Molly?
Q: Whats a "burning hammer" and why do IWC writers always make reference to it?
A: Its a sick Japanese finisher which is basically a Death Valley Driver from a torture rack starting position. It looks cool as hell. Also, it sounds like an STD, which makes us laugh. Bunch of immature bastards we are. Gotta love us.
Q: Why did you leave the Torch board?
A: Because I got sick of getting several PMs a day asking me what a "burning hammer" was every time I dropped a reference to it.
Q: Why do west coast wrestling fans hate east coast wrestling fans?
A: Because you Easties dont know what a "time zone" is, and no matter how many times we explain it, you cant seem to fathom that we get Raw three hours after you do. Also, you killed Tupac, you dickholes.
Q: Who will be the next victim of a "Behind The Pyro" feature?
A: Ah, a
serious answer. I moved a couple weeks ago, during which
my hard drive got fried like a mullethead at a Great
White concert. I was one-third of the way through a BTP
on Nathan Jones when this happened. True story. I hate,
hate, HATE re-typing stuff after I've lost it. I feel
like Im trying to rescue a fetus after it's already been
aborted or something. Nevertheless, I'll get a new BTP
out soon enough. If its not Nate Me Mate, it'll be
someone equally bizarre. Ahmed Johnson is a lock for a
future BTP, and I'll do Joanie Laurer at some point,
too. Wait, let me rephrase that last part.
Q: Any more "ClassicShmazz?"
A: Not unless I find buried treasure by some miracle. Im not the best backer-upper in the world and its lucky that The True Story Of NWO Nitro survived. I've written a ton of stuff over the years, though, including one piece so inappropriate, it might even be too offensive for THIS SITE. Let's just say it involves Hacksaw Jim Duggan and it'll probably get remixed into a future BTP.
Q: Well how about some more trivia, then?
A: Hey, there's an idea. I have a bunch of that crap on disks somewhere. I'll throw some up at some point. More to the point, I'll chew it up in my own PC, then pass it along to Sean to throw up. Thats how my columns work; much like how birds feed each other in nature.
Q: And maybe you can award prizes for trivia contest on TWF, huh?
A: Go fuck yourself.
Q: Aren't you squandering perfectly good questions that Sean could use for the Ringside Roundtables?
A: Um, next question.
Q: Any parting words for the IWC?
A: Yeah. Face it, people, John Cena sucks. Hey, I wanted to pretend he was the NEXT next big thing too, but hes a load. Like Roddy Piper, he has a great persona and delivery. Unfortunately, also like Roddy Piper, his ring work sucks and shows no signs of improvement. Accept it.
Q: Is this stupid filler column over yet?
A: Yup. See you in July, wrestling fans!!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).