Show opens with Michael
Cole getting more screen time than he needs of
course, but he’s here to update us that Cena is
injured and probably won’t be here tonight after a
match with Wade Barrett who he supposedly killed
with chairs at that PPV, but oh well. We also find
out the WWE title match is opening the show.
Theme and pyro bring us into the first match of the
year and who would have thought it would be Mix vs.
John Morrison for the WWE title in a falls count
anywhere match. Also, King appears to not be here
since he was beat down last week and we get no
replacement, leaving us with just Cole. Urge to mute
rising….I like how he said last week he wouldn’t
make any excuses for what Miz did last week but
proceeds to do so very well. Oh, apparently we have
Josh Matthews who has been silent this whole time.
WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. John Morrison
(WWE Championship Falls Count Anywhere Match)
Riley attacks with Miz right away but Morrison gets
the better of them. Riley eats a knee in the face
and Morrison slams Miz on the ring ramp to pick up a
two count. Riley comes after him as you got to
wonder why he picked this match type that allows
Riley to get in on it. Riley breaks things up and
Morrison slams him into the WWE logo stand. Miz gets
the same and Morrison leaps from the W onto them
both for a two count. The fight spills back to the
ring and by spills I mean it casually walks. Miz
catches Morrison with a sharp spinning elbow. Cole
and Matthews argue like little girls again. I hate
this duo. Help me. Miz goes for the superplex, but
Morrison chucks him off for the missile
dropkick/heel kick that gets another two count.
Morrison pummels Miz into the corner and slapjacks
him for an Oklahoma roll pin for two.
goes for an arm wrench clothesline, but Morrison
ducks and leaps off the ropes into the flash kick.
Miz sits up and eats a knee to the head but Riley
saves the pin so Morrison beats his ass all over
ringside and sends him into the ring barricade.
Morrison tackles him and just hammers the shit out
of him. Morrison sets Riley up on the ring wall and
runs and LEAP ONTO IT WITH A FLYING KNEE TO THE
Random Commercial Thought:
NCIS is still garbage.
As we return, Miz sets
up a steel barricade against a wall and Miz goes for
a suplex onto it, but Morrison turns it around. Miz
blocks and they fight until Miz back tosses him onto
the barricade for two. I didn’t see what follows,
but Morrison is apparently laid out on the ring
entrance as Miz gets another two count. He drags
Morrison to his feet and tosses him onto the ring
ramp (Matthews: “Oh no no!”….why?). Miz still can’t
put him away yet. Morrison eats the ring barricade.
Miz nails him in the face with some kind of rubber
trash can it looks like and this kills him long
enough for a two count. Back in the ring, Miz talks
some shit on Morrison and walks around kicking him.
Morrison gets pissed and fights to his feet as they
reel into punches on each other. Cole, Matthews,
shut the fuck up guys. Morrison comes in with
clotheslines and the heel kick for two. Morrison
does his roll through Russian leg sweep and Miz
dodges Starship Pain.
Morrison lands on his feet
but eats the back/neck breaker combo from Miz for
Miz sets up for the
Skullcrushing Finale, but Morrison slings him off.
Miz misses a corner charge and slams himself into
the ring post. Morrison drags him out and hits
Starship Pain, but Miz manages to kick out after a
delayed cover. Big chants for the table to be
getting used now. Miz is set up for the knee (Wild
Knee I guess it’s called?), but he ducks it and
rolls Morrison up for two. Morrison kicks Miz to the
floor and the table chants rise since they are right
by it. Morrison hears your pitiful cries and sets
Miz up before climbing to the ring apron for
Starship Pain from the top. Miz rolls out of the
way, putting Morrison through the table, but John
kicks out at two. Cole throws a fit about poor
officiating. Miz scoops him up and nails the
Skullcrushing Finale on the floor and that’s it.
Great match, not much to complain
about there. Kind of wondering why they blew their
load so quick on the Morrison/Miz feud since we
immediately find out there will be a cage match to
determine the Royal Rumble challenger tonight.
Random Commercial Thought: What does it mean to have
“limited commercial interruption”? What’s the limit?
Back to the show where the Phoenix Suns are
here….both of them. Miz is interviewed in the back
by some guy I have never heard of. He says the match
just proved he’s still champion and wants to make
sure we all heard him. Oh, and also he’s awesome.
Indeed. Matthews and Cole proceed to argue at
ringside about if Miz is awesome or not and move on
awkwardly to Melina and Natalya….which has amounted
to only two instances. Cole of course tells Natalya
to get over it. Melina now arrives with Alicia and
Maryse, the default evil divas for a six girl tag.
No, come back! Stop leaving me here by myself for
Random Commercial Thought: Gangsta’s
Paradise does not go with Green Hornet. Sorry.
We return to Eve, Brie and Natalya. Apparently we
couldn’t have the other Bella tonight. Awwww-over
Natalya & Brie Bella & Eve Torres
vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox & Melina
Brie starts off by rolling around with Maryse who
escapes to the floor. Brie chases her around and
gets a cheap shot for two. Maryse hangs her up on
the middle rope with a knee to the back of the head.
Brie doesn’t know how to sell this so Maryse kicks
her to the floor where Nikki switches out from under
the ring with her while the ref is talking to Maryse.
Have you ever noticed Maryse is the only one who
falls for this. Nikki hit’s a face buster but only
gets two. The tags are made and Alicia gets raped by
Natalya. Not in that way. She takes a dropkick to
the back of the head and a spine buster. Melina
breaks up the sharpshooter and grabs her leg from
behind to allow a cheap shot from Alicia. Alicia
takes an overhead suplex and Melina and Natalya mi
it up on the apron. Melina tags in, but gets
leveled, allowing for Eve to tag in and finish it
with a neck breaker.
Random Commercial Thought: We need some of those
McDonald’s hot dogs they have in Japan.
Usos are already here and are going to take on
Santino and ozlov who got their woman.
The Usos vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella
& Vladimir Kozlov w/ Tamina (Non-title Match)
Jimmy begins with Kozlov who suplexes him and puts
on a roll up leg lock that looks awesome. Jey tags
in and Kozlov offers Santino in. Santino takes down
Jey as they say Santino has been learning Sambo from
Kozlov. Jey runs Santino down and Jimmy is back in
for some double teaming. Santino does a rather
awkward hold on Jimmy that drags him to the corner
for a tag to Kozlov. Kozlov hammers on Jey and
delivers a running power slam, but Jimmy escapes it
and makes the tag to Jey for a top rope flying
clothesline for two. Jey works a headlock and Kozlov
tries to force him off only to get covered for one.
Kozlov turns it around with a weird low back body
drop. Jimmy comes in and drags him away by the leg.
Kozlov just pulls him with his own power and kicks
him off. Santino is hot off the tag and ducks a
harlem side kick. Santino winds up his punches and
the hip toss before he raises the roof and delivers
the head butt for two when Jey breaks it up.
Kozlov charges an Uso who runs away and they botch a
rope spot where he was supposed to fall over and
doesn’t make it. Kozlov tries to throw himself over
again which is hilarious so Jey just clotheslines
him and gets tossed by Santino. Santino charges up
the Cobra and goes for Jimmy, but Jimmy ducks and
counters into the Samoan Drop for the three.
Tamina has an argument with
Jimmy who fails to notice Kozlov’s return who locks
him into some head butts. Tamina and Santino then
double cobra Jey before taking their leave. That has
to be embarrassing. We learn following this that USA
will be adding Tough Enough to their broadcast
schedule as Josh Matthews goes on about how great it
was to be on that show. I think it’s funny they now
plan to have a real reality show and a fake one at
the same time since right after a segment of CM Punk
preparing to come out for an announcement, we learn
NXT is starting it’s first elimination of season 4.
Random Commercial Thought: Took a piss. Sue me!
Back to the show where Punk arrives to talk about
last week. We get a replay of the beat down from
last week as well. Punk says he’s taking over Nexus
and Raw. Wade shows up to argue that he’s the
leader, not Punk. Punk says he got raped by Cena so
obviously it should have new leadership. Wade says
he changed the face of Raw and calls Punk a lier
about things like being Straight Edge. Punk suggests
they ask the members of Nexus. Wade calls them out
in agreement to this. Why did I have to hear that
crappy theme twice? The GM interrupts before Otunga
can say anything, but the GM says there will be
three men in the #1 Contender’s Match tonight. Punk
and Wade can either take the extra spot against
Sheamus and Orton. Punk says he will allow Wade to
take it because he would rather not fight Wade since
he defended him, but if Wade loses he wants Wade to
be out of Nexus, leaving him as leader.
Random Commercial Thought: Was Duck Hunt ever sold
with a gun?
We return to Alberto Del Rio
being announced by that one dude. I love how the
announcer gets an announcer. He says his destiny is
to win the Rumble and then make it to Mania which
they oddly have not been hyping up much tonight.
He’s interrupted in his speech by R-Truth who
apparently interrupts by rapping. Please stop that.
Ever notice he stole lyrics from that song in the
hamster commercial? Truth says that his destination
is to go back where he came from. FCW? Truth socks
hi in the face with the microphone and then asks us
Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth
Alberto misses a clothesline and Truth stays on the
aggressive with shots. He leap frogs in the corner
and backflips into the splits followed by a
dropkick. Alberto is clotheslined to the floor where
he takes a suicide dive from Truth before we go to
commercial. Haha, his announcer is helping him up.
Random Commercial Thought: A fire in the disco just
makes things more interesting.
the norm by still winning when we return. He’s
delivering some mounted punches. Alberto manages to
battle back and start working over the arm with arm
wrenches and hammering blows. Del Rio picks up a two
count off of an arm wrench and goes to a light arm
hold instead of his finisher because…um…I have no
idea. Truth tries to do his leap frog in the corner,
but sells the arm damage by falling back down in
pain instead of managing it. Del Rio slams hi down
for a two count and moves in to knee the shoulder. I
have to wonder why Del Rio is one of the few
wrestlers these days who still does a psychological
approach to a submission finish. You have to respect
that. Another arm lock that I don’t know the name of
follows. Alberto knees Truth in the gut by the rope
when he tries to rally back, but Truth dodges a
running dropkick leaving Del Rio flying to the
The announcer/gay lover helps Del Rio
as Cole gets onto him for being a coach now. Pot
called the kettle. Truth takes control back in the
ring and picks up a two count off the big hip toss.
Del Rio rolls to the apron and hits Truth in the gut
before pulling his arm into the ring post by jumping
off. Nice spot. Del Rio botches the cross arm
breaker a little but gets it on. Truth hangs in
there but finally just taps.
Winner: Del Rio
Random Commercial Thought: Can’t wait for that law
that forces the lowering of volume for commercials.
Back to the show where Nexus is getting a pep talk
from Wade about how he can make them all champions
like he did Heath and Gabriel. They talk about how
they always have his back when Punk shows up and
wishes Wade luck. They then all shake Punk’s hand
after Wade leaves as if in on some grand conspiracy.
Orton is interviewed in an oddly purple room with
nice painting in it….odd. Is this where he goes to
find his center? He says he was too nice last year
in showing compassion to people, because nice guys
Random Commercial Thought: I
miss Bruce Lee.
Back to the show. The cage is
lowered as Sheamus arrives and we learn when Wade
coes out that Cena’s super serious injury isn’t so
bad since he’s coming back next week to continue
this feud that will NEVER FUCKING END ever.
Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett vs. King
Sheamus (#1 Contender’s Triple Threat Cage Match)
Wade gets the bright idea to try and climb away
right away. It works badly. Sheamus and Orton beat
him down in the corner. Wade kicks Sheamus away who
dives to the other side of the cage to climb out.
Orton notices after a moment and drags him down,
running Sheamus down with a clothesline. Barrett
levels Orton with a boot to the head and goes for
Wasteland but Orton escapes. Orton leaps up the cage
high, but Sheamus and Wade drag him down with the
legs. They double team Orton, but this tie it’s Wade
who makes a break for it. Sheamus stop hi by
punching hi in the kidneys and clothes lining him.
Sheamus takes his time trying to get out, but Orton
springs to life suddenly.
Back on their feet,
Sheamus sends Orton to the cage but he stops himself
and clotheslines both men down. He decides to just
leave through the door and taunts in his viper pose
at the door. Uh….why can’t he leave? Cole says he
couldn’t make it through the door. BULLSHIT. It’s
right there, just back out on your belly asshole.
The ref closes the door behind him like an asshole
as we go to commercial.
Thought: Henry Winkler is doomed to play overly
energetic father figures the rest of his life.
We return to Orton escaping. He’s hanging out, but
Sheams grabs him and holds on. Wade joins to helps
carry him back in, but after they fall off, Sheamus
is sitting on the cage…just jump…he jumps back in
the ring. Orton goes for the suspended DDT in the
ropes on Sheamus, which is funny because there isn’t
enough room. Sheamus tries to escape so Orton drops
the hole and tosses Wade to the cage. He goes for
the DDT on them both at once, but they block it.
Finally he goes for it on Sheamus….who just slides
out and back body drops him. The spots in this match
look fucking terrible. I can’t explain how many of
them have just looked awful and been poorly planned.
Maybe they sounded good on paper.
kicks the tar out of Orton and tries to climb out
again. I wonder if he will make it?! Of course not.
They both tackle his ass. Wade and Sheamus double
team on Orton. Wade mixes it up with Sheamus as a
chant for Cena builds for some reason. Wade crushes
Sheamus in the corner and tries to get out, but
Orton is back to stop him while hanging out. Wade of
course climbs back down. That is the dumbest spot.
Stop doing that! Orton superplexes him off the top
turnbuckle. Orton goes for an RKO on Sheamus, but
it’s countered into the Irish Curse. Sheamus starts
slamming Wade into the cage several times before
crushing him with a suplex. Orton drags him back by
the foot when he tries to leave through the door.
Sheamus stomps him down and decides the door is too
easy and goes to climb out.
Wade now stops
him from escaping and trips Sheamus up on the top
rope by his ankles. It’s Sheamus’ turn to be slammed
into the cage several time and eat a kick to the
gut. He does a move that reminds me of what we used
to call the “Coat Hook” since it was used by that
guy who did the Lita Baby Abortion storyline.
Sheamus tries to stop Wade from escaping who decides
not to escape when he fights Sheamus out so he goes
for a top rope elbow drop. Retard. He elbowed a
knee. Sucks to be him. Sheamus takes a breather in
the corner and measures up Wade for the kick, but
Orton cuts him off with a clothesline and does his
offense and power slams both men. Sheamus eats an
Angle Slam and Wade takes the suspended DDT. Sheamus
cuts Orton’s momentum off with a boot.
Sheamus goes for the climb out, but Orton cuts him
off and drags him back down. They fight on the top
rope but Barrett cuts him off on the rope, wracking
them both in the nuts. Wade thinks to himself, “Hm,
my arm hurts…let’s climb the cage because I’m
retarded.” Of course that’s what he does. Punk then
arrives and climb the cage to offer Wade a hand.
Punk starts dragging him up the wall and rips his
arm band off before booting him in the head like
that Santa from A Christmas Story. Sheamus clubs
Orton with an axe handle and demands the door be
opened. He kicks Barrett with the kick and decides
to take his dear sweet time in heading to the door
so Orton just springs up to the RKO and stares at
them both before casually leaving through the door
like they should have done ages ago.
Orton celebrates as the show goes off
Highlight of the Night:
Miz/Morrison takes this with ease.
Lowlight of the Night: Santino and Kozlov had
one of their worse matches. Overall, the show was
pretty good, not much to complain about.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever wrote some of
the spots for that cage match.