RUMBLE OF THE DAMNED

(UPDATED FOR 2006)

We all love the Royal Rumble. Even the cynical, burned-out IWC loves the Rumble. It's all about the suspenders of disbelief. When that little clock starts counting down, youre on the edge of your seat. You never know who's coming out next. Will it be a major superstar? A Rumble veteran? A hot up-and-comer? A surprise entrant? Then it turns out to be Bob Holly and the buzz is effectively killed until a minute-fifty is up and our beloved little clock is back.

The Rumble is the one event even all the McMahons in the world can't ruin. It's the one event you can look forward to each and every year. No one can poop on this party. Nothing can put a dark cloud over this party. Or so you'd think.

Get out your umbrellas, people. All is not well in our 30-way-dance. I will have you know that a certain number is cursed. All who draw it and use its evil powers to win the Rumble soon see the end of their careers and even their very lives.

Oh sure, laugh all you want. The facts speak for themselves, folks. Behold:

In 1989, Big John Studd drew #27 and went on to win the Royal Rumble. Studd died six years later.

In 1993, Yokozuna drew #27 and went on to win the Royal Rumble. Yoko died seven years later.

In 1994, Bret Hart drew #27 and went on to co-win the Royal Rumble. Bret suffered a career-ending concussion five years later. Also, he got screwed in Montreal and several of his relatives died. His ex-wife is fat, too.

In 2001, Steve Austin drew #27 and went on to win the Royal Rumble. Austin's neck got progressively worse until he was forced to call it a career two years later. Also, he’s had trouble with booze and domestic violence (non-worked version).

Told ya. But as long as they draw #27 and DON'T win the Rumble, they should be fine. Here is the list of those who have drawn #27, only to be eliminated from the Rumble:

1990 = Barbarian
1991 = Bushwhacker Luke
1992 = Skinner
1996 = Issac Yankem (a.k.a. Kane)
1997 = Flash Funk (a.k.a. Too Cold Scorpio)
1998 = Faarooq
1999 = Jeff Jarrett
2000 = Bradshaw
2002 = Big Show
2003 = Goldust
2004 = Billy Gunn

2005 = Kane

From that cursed list, three are still active wrestlers in the WWE, where they still enjoy main events when the guy management really wanted to push got injured.  Skinner, a.k.a. Steve Keirn, currently works as a road agent.  JBL enjoys his status as a big goose-stepping fish in the small pond that is Smackdown.  They’re stuck with Big Show until 2009.  Kane (formerly Isaac Yankem) is the only soul to have tempted fate TWICE, in 1997 and 2005.  He either has a death wish, or he’ll be the one in the Kevin Von Erich spot that nature allows to survive.  Having read results of the last year of Raw, my money’s on the death wish theory.

As for the rest, one (Jarrett) is the lingering World champion of a promotion that his daddy owned.  One (Dustin “Goldust” Rhodes) got fired from that same promotion after getting busted on a charge of domestic violence, or, as the boys call it, “Saturday.”  One (Billy Gunn) made headlines last year for passing out on a men’s room floor and subsequently getting fired.  The others are probably wrestling at an indy show in your area as you read this.  But at least everyone's alive and well.  As long as they don’t win the Rumble with #27, there’s nothing to worry about, right?

Wrong.

Even that’s not a guarantee. Remember who drew #27 in the 1995 Rumble (where Shawn Michaels became drew #1 and won the whole shebang)? Well, I didn't. But I looked it up.

DICK MURDOCH.

Up to the 1995 Rumble, the Texas brawler was known the world over as "Captain Redneck." But nary a year later, he became "Captain Deadneck."

So this Sunday, say a silent prayer when the Rumble Buzzer goes off for #27. There are forces beyond our control, people. Ask John Studd. Ask Yokozuna. Ask Dick Murdoch. Oh, wait. You can’t, because THEY'RE DEAD!

Heed this warning, people! Tell that dead cheerleader whore Katie to bar the proverbial door! Beware! Your favorite wrestler could be next!

-HDS-