(Originally Posted Fall
2004)
Welcome to the Recapitation! I don’t
hold your hand and walk you through things, but rather cut it off, tape over the stump, and hopefully by then, you’ve
lost just enough blood to laugh at the jokes. Warned ya. Now it’s time to drop the blade on “Cheating Death, Stealing
Life: The Eddie Guerrero Story!”
RECAPITATION:
“CHEATING DEATH,
STEALING LIFE: THE EDDIE GUERRERO STORY”
WWE Home Video 2-disc DVD set
Released 9/28/04
MAIN FEATURE (DISC 1):
Growing Up
Low Riders
Marries Vicky (sic) and Gory (sic) Dies
Career Begins
Car Accident
Overdose
Latino Heat
Problems Get Worse
Rock Bottom
Starting Over
Lie, Cheat, Steal
Frogsplash
No Way Out
A slick “This Is Eddie’s Life” biograganda that puts him over as a humble guy who loves wrestling and loves his family. They put over Gori huge as kind of like the Mexican Stu Hart. I can see it. For starters, they’re both dead. On the other hand, Gori’s posture was exquisite. Advantage = Guerrero Family.
Of course, they mention that Eddie is only three years older than his nephew, Chavo Jr., so thus, they grew up more like brothers than like uncle/nephew. Eddie and Chavito used to wrestle each other in the ring during intermissions at the shows Gori promoted at the El Paso Coliseum. Notably, they finally referred to Chavo Jr. AS “Chavo Jr.,” which I think was a first for WWE TV. For some reason, they axed the “Jr.” tag off both Chavito and Rey-Rey on Smackdown, which I’ve never understood. Then they play up the family trees of guys like The Rock and Randy Orton to the hilt. No reason, no rhyme. Kinda like one of John Cena’s babyface raps.
Speaking of Chavos, Chavo Sr. (a.k.a. Chavo Classic), waxed nostalgic about Papa Gori by saying (and this is an actual quote), “It’s a big load (when your) father is not only the best wrestler in Mexico, and very famous, but very GOOD.”
His sister Linda is a flight attendant, which makes me wonder if she was one of the stewardesses on the Flight From Hell.
“Mr. Hall, would you like me to get you a pillow while you’re waving Li’l Scotty at Miss Stephanie?”
“Mr. Lesnar, we appreciate you and Mr. Hennig trying to help us with the emergency exit door, but we would actually prefer that you wait until there IS an emergency before trying to open it, yes?”
“Mr. Flair, would you like one of us to iron the wrinkles out of that thing for you?”
Okay, now I’m just wasting everybody’s time. So sue me. They did it, too. Case in point: Eddie loves low riders. Well, in all fairness, what the hell else were they going to talk about here? All the guy’s early running buddies are dead, for chrissake. His dad, Art Barr, Louie Spicolli, Marianna Komlos, etc.
Anyway, Eddie met the love of his life, Vickie on a blind date.
Eddie’s mom, the famous Grandma Guerrero, was quick to help Vickie become a “wrestling widow.” Now then,
for all you dongs who think latinos are lazy, I put it to you right out of Eddie’s mouth: “(Gori) died on Tuesday,
we buried him on Friday, then (Vickie and I) were married on Saturday.” Wait, isn’t that exactly the way the “Solomon
Grundy” nursery rhyme goes? In an interesting piece of politics, Eddie lamented that the 80s were “the big man’s era.” To accompany this, they showed an 80s clip of Hulk Hogan posing, in all his (ahem) vitamin-enhanced glory. So Eddie went to Japan where he became “Black Tiger” and met Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko. Not for nothing, but the Guerrero/Benoit/Malenko fraternity is one of my favorite wrestling stories. Imagine if the Clique was comprised of grade-A professionals who brought out the best in their opponents and were some of the greatest workers around, to boot. To hear this DVD tell the story, Eddie went straight from Japan to ECW, just like the other two. It would be a great little story if not for the fact that one of the matches on this DVD was Eddie and Art Barr at the height of their popularity as AAA Tag Team champions. As is so often the case with WWWFE revisionist history, the left hand doesn’t know when the right hand is jerking off.
Up next was an AWESOME feature on the Guerrero-Malenko feud from ECW, which was the best-wrestled feud this country had seen since the heyday of Flair-Steamboat. As corny as this sounds, their ECW matches actually made it cool to mark out for scientific wrestling again. I can’t heap enough praise on the lads for that feud, and for that matter, Paul Heyman for showcasing it and pushing the hell out of it as something special.
Okay, fun’s over. On to WCW. After casually having the greatest PPV match in WCW history (against Rey at Halloween Havoc 97), Eddie hit the sauce something fierce. Oh yeah, and unlike Chavito, Rey ISN’T a “Jr.” for the purposes of this documentary. I can’t figure ‘em out, I tell you. Anyhoo, the underlying subtext here is that it was that evil WCW place that drove a God-fearing young man to drink. I’m telling you, Vince is gonna hump WCW’s corpse until the day when he is one himself.
Now this part was just downright bizarre. Eddie talked about partying hard on New Year’s Day, 1999. Now they felt the
need to splice in some stock footage of a party because us rasslin’ fans are miscreants who have no idea what a “party”
looks like. But the bizarre thing was that to illustrate this concept of a party, they showed footage of Eddie doing a conga
line with many senoritas from his YJ Stacker commercial. This was easily the single second-worst example of product placement
in the history of sports entertainment. (The first was when Vince McMahon ordered that a “WWE Attitude” t-shirt
be placed on Freddie Blassie’s carcass at his wake.) Anyway, after that wild Stacker party, Eddie wanted some “eggs” (which I believe is street slang for “inexpensive prostitutes”). So after overdosing on GHB, Eddie fell asleep at the wheel with his car doing 130 mph. The crash was horrendous and I remember reading reports at the time of how when the cops arrived on the scene, they were shocked the guy was still alive when they surveyed the wreckage. Eddie had a laundry list of legit injuries that would make Mick Foley proud, and he was supposed to be out for a year. Instead, he came back six months later, which turned out to be way too soon, and kicked off a pain pill addiction that was Herculean even by wrestling standards.
Not learning from history, Eddie was again seduced by that damn YJ Stacker (it’s the devil’s semen, I tell you) and partied his way to another OD on Christmas Day, 1999. Eddie screws up his timeline here by saying, “About a year after that, we asked for our release (from WCW).” Actually, it was about a month after that. In fairness to Eddie, though, he WAS boozed and pilled out of his freakin’ mind.
Up next was a brief time capsule from his original “Latino Heat” gimmick, where he was Chyna’s manbitch for several months. Disappointingly, the Guerreros didn’t talk about the pride Eddie brought to their family when he did angles like studying for his GED.
Malenko, Benoit, and Saturn narced Eddie out to Jim Ross. The most real moment of this feature was when Malenko said he didn’t want to hear that Eddie was dead in a hotel somewhere. A one-two punch followed when the WWF gave Eddie the rehab-or-shitcan ultimatum, while Vickie asked for a divorce. Eddie handled this by doing nine shots in a row and getting busted for DUI. The WWF released him in 2001 right when he was doing an angle where it looked like he was going to seduce Lita away from Matt Hardy. I think at one point, Eddie was even scheduled to win the 2001 King Of The Ring tournament. He was axed the night he was supposed to face Matt in a KOTR qualifier on Raw. Instead, Jeff Hardy beat Matt, so it’s a safe bet that Eddie was supposed to go over.
JR had told Eddie he was “a disgrace to the company” before returning to his daily duties like going over the
angle that saw Undertaker shove his face into Vince’s ass. Speaking of Vince, he used his “father figure”
voice to explain that Eddie “had to hit rock bottom,” which he then segued into a cheap plug for the home video
of the WWF’s Rock Bottom PPV, from 12/13/98. That Vince is a real horse’s ass. Vince said he “believes in second chances…generally speaking.” Well hell, of course he does. Like he’d ever let a guy go if he could suck more marrow out of his bones. In all seriousness, history does back up Vince on this point (Hogan, Piper, Sable, Jake, Jannetty, Hall, Nash, etc). Also in all seriousness, Vince is completely fucking insane and makes many, many bad decisions. After slumming around independents for a spell, the WWF called back and offered Eddie a “final opportunity” that had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that a new upstart company called TNA was about to go on PPV and was snatching up anyone who wasn’t tied down. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn’t understand the wrestling business.
When you go back to work for the WWF, your family will love you again. To wit, Eddie and Vickie started dating again and renewed their vows. One of their daughters said it was like a fairy tale because she “wasn’t there for the first wedding.” Why so defensive, chica? Did someone accuse you of anything to the contrary?
Up next was a look at Eddie and Chavito doing the Los Guerreros lie/cheat/steal gimmick. The lighthearted detour was badly needed after the heavy stuff about Eddie doing his damndest to self-destruct. Like most babyfaces over the past few years, the fans made the call to turn the charismatic Los Gs face, despite the fact that they were supposed to be heels.
Speaking of dead guys in hotel rooms, one of the highlights of the feature was a slick little piece on Art Barr’s frog splash. Eddie said that it got that name because his old partner really looked like a frog when he did the move. Hey, Art wasn’t the best looking guy in the world, but that was just plain uncalled for. Besides, have you ever seen Eddie’s wife? She’s the best anti-drug commercial on the planet.
They went right to the finish line when Eddie beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at No Way Out 04. They erased the part where Goldberg ran-in and speared Lesnar, but that was probably the right decision. They showed the celebration backstage where Eddie was being hugged by everyone in sight, including Vince.
A humble Eddie said that he hopes his story gives hope to others going through similar trials. What, you mean angles with Chyna? Creed’s “Higher” played over a montage of clips as the feature ended and we faded back to the top menu.
I have mixed feelings about this thing. The production values were top-notch, as always. Did it sell me on Eddie Guerrero? Nope. Just like all those “True Hollywood Stories” and “Behind The Musics,” you have the clichéd doting family and friends talking about how tragic the fall from grace was. As always, I find myself asking, “So where the fuck where you when your loved one was getting so fucked up in the first fucking place?” Granted, Malenko’s crew finally did intervene, but that was two overdoses and one near-fatal car crash later. If anything, I feel more sorry for Eddie now than before I watched this. The guy is riding shotgun in his own life. I’ll get into this more a little later.
DISC 1 MATCHES:
1) The Guerrero Brothers (Hector & Mando & Chavo Sr.) beat Cactus Jack & The Rock & Roll RPMs at 6:33 [AWA SuperClash III PPV, 12/13/88]. Interesting choice. During the intros, Chavo Sr. fumbled his sombrero. We should have known then that there was a problem. Announcers Lee Marshall and Ray Stevens never told us the individual names of the RPMs, or which was which. I still don’t know who the hell they are. But apparently. they were the “Southern Tag Team champions” when this match took place. By the way, “Southern” is carny for “Made-Up.” The referee was Mike Enos. Foley took a backdrop on the cement floor. This was his first PPV match, y’know. The Gs did a masterful job of getting themselves over with their various specialties. Hector was the best technical wrestler, Mando was the fastest, and Chavo was the oldest. Just like the Power Rangers! The Guerreros dogpiled the heels for great heat. The fans were totally behind the G-Men. Chavo finally hot-tagged Hector, who threw a career’s worth of dropkicks against their hapless cannon fodder, um, I mean opponents. In a highspot before there were highspots, the Guerreros launched pescados and planchas at the heels…and the goddamn cameras missed every single one of ‘em. Assbastards! Chavo pinned the blonder of the RPMs with a moonsault press. Decent enough match. If you wanted a Guerrero Boyz match to put on this DVD, this was probably the one that had the best production values and the biggest name opponent (Hint: Not the RPMs). (David)
2) El Hijo Del Santo & Octagon (w/ Blue Panther) beat AAA Tag Team champions Eddie Guerrero & Art Barr (w/ “Madonna’s Boyfriend” Louie Spicolli) in a non-title double-mask vs. double-hair 2/3 falls elimination match [AAA/IWC When Worlds Collide PPV, 11/6/94]. Oh, come on. Vince doesn’t own THIS match. He’s just screwing with us. In its entirety, this match is 22:29, but for some damn reason, they chopped half a minute out of the third fall. Eddie, Art, and Louie were Los Gringos Locos, one of the greatest heel acts in lucha history. The spooky thing is that Eddie is the only surviving member. Once you see Art Barr’s frog splash, you’ll realize why I rolled my eyes when Eddie and RVD feuded over who has the best version of the move. For some reason, they cut away before actually showing the lads de-mullet each other in the ring. Later in the PPV, they showed backstage clips of the completed head-shavings. Words can’t describe the beauty of this match…so I’m not even gonna try. A must-see. (FRITZ)
3) Eddie went to a draw with Dean Malenko in a 2/3 falls match. They showed the full match at 19:43, including the rest periods that buffered the commercial breaks when this originally aired [ECW Arena, 8/26/95]. Trivbit: The famous “Malenko/Guerrero Showdown” was promoted as the bout to not only determine who was the better man, but as a championship match for the TV Title (which had been volleyed between the two). A swerve came into play the night before when Too Cold Scorpio beat Eddie for the strap on a spot show in Jim Thorpe, PA. That win made Scorp the only four-time TV champ in ECW history. In fact, to fill out the hour of television, before this match took place, ECW host Joey Styles brought out Scorp to make a prediction on the match. Scorp’s prediction was “Who cares? I’m the champion!” That ruled. Sadly, this DVD’s version of the match was Scorpless. There’s no other way to describe this match than to say it was a freakin’ clinic. Eddie took the first fall with a schoolboy at 10:30, then Dean evened it up at 13:24 with a Texas cloverleaf submission. It was a good move to keep the second fall short because you know that epic 2/3 fall matches always see the first two falls split, leading to the climactic decider. They pulled out all the stops in the third fall, ending with the guys pinning each other on a reverse rollup. Now think about this: This is one of the few times an ECW match technically didn’t deliver on its advertised stipulation (i.e., deciding who was the better man), but the fans couldn’t have cared less. The guys got a standing O as they gave their farewell speeches. Tommy Dreamer, Hack Myers, and The Pitbulls hit the ring and picked up Eddie and Dean on their shoulders. Just an unforgettable scene. Also, I LMAO as Eddie walked around the ring, hugging fans goodbye…and avoiding the hell out of one retarded kid. A MUST must-see. (FRITZ)
This is one of three matches that have alternate commentary. This featured Eddie, Dean, and (sighing with dread) Tard Grisham. Tard wasn’t nearly as bad here as he was on the Benoit DVD, though he did screw the pooch by calling Eddie’s frog splash a “five star frog splash.” God, how I hate him. Dean stole the show here, saying he was relieved that fans didn’t chant “five more minutes,” and said he’d love to wrestle Eddie again, Benoit again, or (mark out in 2 seconds) Kurt Angle. Now Malenko-Angle is my idea of a dream match and a half.
4) Eddie pinned Chris Jericho to win the CW Title at approximately 17:22 (no opening bell) [WCW Fall Brawl PPV, 9/14/97]. Announcer Mike Tenay pointed out that this was their rubber match between the two, as Guerrero beat Jericho at SuperBrawl VIII in February, but Jericho beat Guerrero at a Clash Of The Champions show in August. Eddie had only recently turned heel, and there were already huge chants of “Eddie sucks” and “Deport Eddie.” A simple storyline, but a tried-and-true one saw Jericho frustrate the hell out of Guerrero by reversing his big moves, including la magistral, a surfboard, and in the biggest slap in the face, “Lionheart” even reversed a Gori special. Finish saw Eddie shift his weight on a superplex, landing on Jericho. One frog splash later, it was over. This bout will always hold a special place in my heart not just because it was an excellent match, but it was the first match I rated on the finalized Von Erich rating system (Fritz died mere days before this match took place). Ladies and gentlemen, this was the first (Kerry)
5) Rey Mysterio Jr. pinned Eddie in a mask vs. title match to win the CW Title at 13:51 [WCW Halloween Havoc PPV, 10/26/97]. Screw it, I know when I’m in over my head. This match was beyond fast-paced, with the guys were out there inventing moves and counters that I wouldn’t even know how to describe. You don’t need me or anyone else to tell you how great this match is, you just have to see it for yourself. I haven’t seen anything like it before or since. Ironically enough, Tony Schiavone put everything in perspective by saying “It’s almost a shame one man will walk away the loser.” Match Of The Year easy, and for my money, the best PPV match in WCW history. Not just a must-see, but a must-see-several-times. (FRITZ)
This was the second match with alternate commentary, but thankfully, it was Michael Cole who joined Eddie and Rey-Rey. Rey talked about having a “beef” with Eric Bischoff in the days leading up to this match. It got so big, Rey even called in his agent. Bisch had a hard-on for unmasking luchadores for some reason. Probably because he’s an inept schmuck who had no business running a wrestling business. Speaking of unmaskings, Cole totally exposed the business by brazenly talking to Rey about “the script of this match” and pointed out how all of Rey’s matches seemed to be him fighting off a bully. You know, with JR tapping out to Alzheimer’s, Cole was the best play-by-play man in the company. But he takes one little cock up the ass from Heidenreich, and suddenly, he’s wrecking the scam for everyone. Anyway, Rey Jr. talked about how he became Rey Jr., and notably, they put over the mask more than the CW Title. Probably because they didn’t want to call attention to the fact that their WWE champion was one of them wimpy Pussyweights. As the match ended, Eddie and Rey thanked each other for a great match just as Eddie 1997 cheapshotted Rey 1997 after the bell. The unintended hilarity wasn’t lost on the guys.
DISC 2 MATCHES:
6) Stevie Ray beat Chavo Guerrero Jr. by submission at 1:35 [WCW Bash At The Beach PPV, 7/12/98]. This was an angle of a match, set up as if Chavito was going to get mauled by Stevie before putting his hair on the line against Uncle Eddie immediately afterward. Chavito taunted Stevie for about a minute, then offered a handshake. Stevie reluctantly shook Chavito’s hand, causing Chavito to act like he was in tremendous pain and submit straightaway. Freakin’ hilarious and a great angle. Also, this was the best match of Stevie’s career, easily. (Waldo)
This, of course, led right into…
7) Eddie pinned Chavo Jr. in a hair vs. hair match at 11:54 [WCW Bash At The Beach PPV, 7/12/98]. The comedy was here and the fans ate it up. Chavito bit Eddie’s rump midget-style, causing a livid Eddie to insist that referee Charles Robinson examine the bite marks. Good action, too, peaking with the guys doing each other’s finishers. Each also tried to bring in the scissors, leading to the finish where Li’l Naitch tried to grab the clippers away from Chavito, which allowed Eddie to small-package Chavito for the pin. This match dragged a little, and was far from the best match between the two (their bout a month earlier at Great American Bash 98 blew this one away), but the psychology and Chavito’s offbeat shenanigans made this a lot fun to watch. (David)
8) Rob Van Dam beat Eddie in a ladder match to regain the IC Title. 17:58 aired, as there was one commercial break in the middle of this bout [Raw, 5/27/02]. The ladder broke at ringside pretty early on. Huge “Eddie sucks” chant. Chris Benoit walked down to ringside with a front-row ticket. 16 minutes into the thing, JR finally explained that Eddie had disrespected Benoit earlier in the night. If they were gonna put this match on a DVD, you’d think they would have voiced-over an explanation at a more prudent juncture earlier in the match. Spot of the match saw Eddie hit a sweet hilo off the top of the ladder. Later on, RVD set up to do a five-star frog splash off the ladder, but slipped and fell off. Finish saw RVD kick Eddie onto the guardrail, allowing him to climb that stairway to secondary championship heaven. I presume Benoit did something after the match, but they cut away before he did it. Entertaining enough, with plenty of creative ladder spots by both, but nothing special. Their match at Backlash 02 where Eddie beat RVD for the strap in the first place was actually much better, IMO. (David)
The last alternate commentary saw Eddie, RVD, and Tard talk about this match. Eddie talked about how he had to re-prove himself to everyone. RVD was surprisingly funny, opening by cracking that this match came before Eddie got a special driver’s license that allowed him to drive low riders inside arenas. RVD talked about his various influences, citing guys who didn’t have the best win-loss records, but were innovative high-flyers. He named “Leaping” Lanny Poffo, Owen Hart, and Brady Boone’s “Fire Cat” character. Um, I think he meant Battle Kat. Hey, I’m not gonna bust the guy’s balls. That an admitted pothead could have ANY recollection of an obscure character from 1990 is impressive in a “I give up” kinda way. Tard did his best to top Cole’s kayfabe faux pas by saying “You can’t fake gravity.” Tell it to Wendy Whoppers, buddy. I guess that was his idea of putting over the action. He followed that up with a girlie gasp when Eddie hit a sunset powerbomb off the ladder. I fucking hate you, Tard. As both lads sold the carnage, RVD quipped, “It looks like somebody broke their RVD action figure.” Tard talked about Mark McGuire. When they got to the spot where RVD was mashing Eddie with the ladder, RVD explained “I was trying to use the ladder like my Play-Doh set on Eddie.” He’s already had more zingers than the last two years of Jerry Lawler’s disintegrating career. To wrap up, just like Havoc 97, Eddie and RVD thanked each other just as they got to the part where Eddie pearled RVD’s harbor after the bell. “Have you ever heard of sportsmanship?” RVD protested. RVD rules. He was as good as Tard was not.
9) Los Guerreros (Eddie & Chavo Jr.) won a triple-threat elimination match over Edge & Rey Jr. and Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit to win the WWE Tag Title at 19:21 [WWE Survivor Series PPV, 11/17/02]. Funny start as Los Gs trash-talked the other teams, then bailed out when the opening bell rang, leaving Rey and Benoit to start. Most of this match came off well, but there was a bad bungle when Angle was supposed to heave Rey up on the top rope, but Rey slipped off. Spot of the match saw Edge’s spear attempt turned into a combination ankle lock/crossface. Second best spot saw Eddie sunset-flip Benoit in a fluid move that actually assisted Benoit’s German suplex for a double-nearfall. A&B looked like a million bucks (American) as Edge took the crossface while Eddie felt the ankle lock at the same time. That’s carny for “these guys are the first to go.” After a belt shot from Los Gs, Edge speared Benoit to knock off A&B at 13:04. After their elimination, the former champs when suplex happy on survivors, culminating with an Angle slam on Edge. Edge got worked over until he finally hot-tagged Rey. Rey hit the 619 on Eddie, but as he went for the west coast pop, Chavito zapped him with another belt-shot. Eddie locked in the “Lasso from El Paso” hold, and Rey tapped. Excellent match. (Kerry)
10) Eddie pinned Benoit in a tournament final to win the resurrected U.S. Title at 22:14 [WWE Vengeance PPV, 7/27/03]. Cole rattled off a list of former U.S. champs (Harley Race, Steve Austin, Ricky Steamboat, etc). Cole excitedly asked, “Will Benoit or Guerrero join that illustrious list tonight?” Ummm, Michael? Both already joined that illustrious list during their time in WCW. Dipshit. Anyway, this wasn’t the best match these two have had together by a longshot. Notably, the action was slowed down to put more of an emphasis on psychology than highspots. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but goddamn, have these two had some great highspot matches all over the globe. After a ref bump, Eddie pulled some “Latino Heat” shenanigans that were over HUGE with the Denver crowd despite the fact that Eddie was supposed to be the heel. Finish saw Benoit’s tag partner Rhyno do a run-in and turn on Benoit, hitting the gore. Eddie gave a great shrug, then frog-splashed Benoit for the pin as the ref returned to action. Very good in its own right. (Kerry)
EASTER EGGS:
Disc 1, Extras 1: Disc 1, Extras 1: Highlight “AWA SuperClash III” and click left twice. You see a funny 95-second piece with Hector Guerrero and Gene Okerlund discussing Hector’s five minutes of infamy as The Gobbledy Gooker (WWF Survivor Series 90). No punches are pulled
Disc 1, Extras 1: Highlight “ECW” and click left twice. It’s the kick-ass recap of the Eddie-Dean feud that opened the classic ECW TV show where the lads had their 2/3 falls “Malenko/Guerrero Showdown.”
Disc 2, Extras 1: Highlight “WWE Survivor Series” and click left twice. This is one of those well-produced PPV match history packages that I mark for. In this case, it’s the story of how Eddie, Chavito, Benoit, Angle, Edge, and Rey got all up in each other’s bidness, arriving at the triple-threat elimination match.
Disc 2, Extras 1: Highlight “WWE No Way Out” and click left twice. Another history package, hyping the Eddie-Brock match. It includes highlights from the best promo of Eddie’s career, where he tells Brock exactly why he wants the strap and what it means to him. This was the best “money” promo of the last four years, IMHO.
OTHER STUFF (DISC 1):
Five “Los Guerreros” vignettes that follow Eddie and Chavito around town as they lie, cheat, and steal. These ranged from “mildly amusing” to “bowel-shakingly funny.” As Sean would say, good sauce.
Three music videos. Why? How the hell should I know?
A trailer for the WWE video game “Day Of Reckoning.”
OTHER STUFF (DISC 2):
The tasteless “Eddie’s Mother Has a Heart Attack” angle, as it was shown on the 5/6/04 Smackdown. I guess the good news is that by showing this on Eddie’s DVD, it means there won’t be a JBL DVD. I hope. I pray.
They also loaded it up with a bunch of Eddie features from WWE Confidential. Behind-the-scenes on Eddie’s YJ Stinger commercial and his cover shoot for “Low Rider Magazine.” The latter of which contained the funny (?) story of how a guy had to drive his low rider down from Portland, Oregon to California for the shoot. I’m not saying these guys are lying sacks of shit, but I lived in Portland for a year and a half and I didn’t see ONE FUCKING LOW RIDER, you lying sacks of shit.
Josh Matthews hosted Eddie in his “Outside The Ropes” segment, asking him a slew of horribly racist questions like “Cheech or Chong?” Josh also asked him about the worm in bottles of Tequila. Great fucking question to ask a recovering alcoholic, you boybitch.
The only Confidential piece worth a damn was a look at Eddie’s backstage celebration when he beat Brock for the WWE Title at No Way Out 04. This was actually quite good, as Eddie was being congratulated and hugged by the whole SD locker room, including Vince. A tearful Eddie called his wife to thank her. Hey, why wasn’t she there? Mark my words, people: A couple years from now, we’ll find out that on the biggest night of Eddie’s career, his wife was doing the horizontal hokey pokey with the pool guy. You heard it here first.
“SPECIAL EXTRAS” (Disc 2):
Seven stories about Eddie, as told by friends and family.
Gory (sic) Guerrero = Guess.
Eddie vs. The Monkey = Eddie’s brothers had a living room match with young Eduardo taking on his beloved stuffed animal for the “World Championship.” Alas, those rotten Guerreros double-crossed Eddie, and fast-counted him. The Monkey was the new champion of the world…or at least, the Guerreros’ living room. Eddie went apeshit (pun intended) and tore his cherished toy to pieces.
Moonsault = As Eddie was learning the craft, he moonsaulted a friend of his and broke the guy’s nose. Hey, at least Eddie eventually learned to do it right. What’s RVD’s excuse?
Fighting for honor = Eddie paid for the sins of his father by eating more potatoes than Ireland during his formative years around Mexico. Apparently, Gori wasn’t well liked by everybody.
Injury = Not for the feint of heart. Eddie’s first WWF match in 2000 was a Smackdown outing that saw himself and Perry Saturn beat The New Age Outlaws. But as Eddie landed his frog splash, he broke his left arm something awful. Not as graphic as Sid’s leg, but still very unsettling.
Los Guerreros = Eddie and Chavito used to pretend they were the tag team champions when they “tag-teamed” as children. Their dream came true at Survivor Series 2002. This part was very well done.
WrestleMania XX = Eddie put over Kurt Angle huge as they showed highlights of their classic match. That was followed up by the parting shot of WMXX, as longtime buds Eddie and Benoit celebrated with their well-deserved championships. Outstanding piece, but it does raise the question, “Why the fuck wasn’t Eddie vs. Angle included on this DVD?”
Overall over-analysis: Eddie is easily one of the most gifted performers to ever step through the ropes, and I really wish I could slap a happy ending on this story…but I can’t. Recently, Eddie zoned out during a lumberjack match against Kurt Angle. They cut his “trance” off the Smackdown broadcast. This mess led to a legit backstage altercation between Eddie and Angle. Even if you turn a blind eye to what this obviously means, there is no escaping the remastered DVD quality of the camera shots as Eddie was celebrating with his newly-won WWE Title at No Way Out 04. Simply put, the guy has the most fucking backne I’ve ever seen in my life. My inner mark hopes against hope that Eddie is the one guy who beats the curse, but history isn’t on his side, even if I am.
As for the DVD, I can’t believe they didn’t fully cover the Eddie-Chavito feud in WCW. That thing had great matches
(guest-starring Ultimo Dragon), and greater promos, including the funniest line ever spoken on WCW airwaves (“Apologize
to Grandma!”). I would have liked to have seen more early Eddie or some Black Tiger matches, but, like with the Benoit
DVD, there are so many great Eddie matches out there, it’s impossible to cram everything into one package. Out of 10
full matches (Stevie-Chavito doesn’t really count), FIVE of ‘em are must-sees. And out of those five must-sees,
there’s easily one of the greatest PPV matches ever (Rey Jr.), and two matches with such heat and emotion, you’ll
mark out in spite of yourself (Malenko, Brock). Well worth the price tag, especially if you pick it up on sale for $16 at
Best Buy like I did. This Observer’s Thumb……………..is WAY up.
-HDS-
THE CLUSTER-PLUGGER:
I’m back in the comfy chair over at the Roundtable. Go check it out. One of the things we yak about is future possibilities for “Behind The Pyro.”
Between hurricanes and good ol’ fashioned procrastination, I’ve been neglecting Impact reviews something fierce. Next week, we’ll get back on track.
Before Halloween comes around, I’ll squeegee off the Recapitation blade, then drop it on the notorious “Monday Night War” DVD. In addition to the usual insanity, it will see the Clustershmazz debut of what could very well be my most deranged idea yet.
Finally, I have an idea for a year-in-review piece that I’m pretty psyched about. No one has done anything like it before, and I think you’re really gonna like it. It’s chock-full of trivia, history, and sarcasm. In other words, vintage Clustershmazz. More info as it comes together.
The self-proclaimed "Trivia MANGOD" has been writing about wrestling
off and on for 14 years and counted. Harry has written for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, and had trivia pieces posted on LAW
and Wrestling Observer;
*All Pics and Logos created by Sean Carless
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
