The Von Erich girls disappointed their tyrannical father simply by being born without penises. This chromosomal
setback would have stopped even the most maniacal mad Nazi’s plans. But Fritz had a dream of clamping an Iron
Claw on the world of wrestling. And as we know from years of Marc Lowrance’s commentary, the Iron Claw is un-freakin’-breakable.
That’s right, Fritz forced his girls to step into the squared circle anyway. Fortunately for Fritz, they
all inherited their chests from their mother (except Carrie, whose C-cups were explained away as a side effect of steroid
abuse). And for all those years, Texas fans never suspected. A Nazi pro wrestler lying to the public? Unthinkable!
From a commercial standpoint, Carrie was the most successful of all the Von Erich girls. The year was 1990,
and Carrie finally made her long-awaited debut in the WWF. Alas, there was no spot for a young horse-faced lass…until
one was made for her. Herr Fritz hired a young Nazi fraulein to crush the face of Brutus Beefcake, then the #1 contender
to Curt Hennig’s IC Title. While Beefcake was off somewhere trying to save face (story of his life), the slot
was open for Carrie to walk into SummerSlam 90 and win the IC belt in her debut PPV match for the WWF (a company first).
However, Carrie quickly lost the IC strap back to Hennig three days before the Survivor Series 90 PPV. However, Carrie
wore the gold to the ring at Survivor Series, as the title switchback hadn’t aired yet. Carrie hung around the
WWF for about another year, doing a career’s worth of jobs.
Oh yeah, Chrissy committed suicide somewhere in
Anyway, Carrie finally went back home to the Lone Star State after her WWF stint ended. Her marriage
to a guy named Chris disintegrated at that point. Still though, once a star, always a star. Right up until her
death in 1992, Carrie was still signing autographs left and right. Unfortunately, she wasn’t signing her own name,
and she was signing it on a slew of medical prescriptions. Between getting busted for prescription forging and seeing
her marriage getting shish-ka-bobbed like an Asiatic spike from Brian Adidas, Carrie followed in her sisters’ tradition
by ending her life.
Five years later, karma caught up with the HNIC, and Fritz dropped dead. Some of us are
still partying. Rumors that Vince McMahon managed to preserve Fritz’s brain are thus far unsubstantiated.
of all the memorial tributes given in Fritz’s honor, none was more appropriate than the heartfelt eulogy given by Dusty
Rhodes on WCW Saturday Night: “My good frien’ Fritzy Von Erich DIED this week. Fritzy LOVED a good fight,
Tony! Fritzy would have wanted you to order Fall Brawl!” (This part actually happened.)
As of this
writing, the only one left is Devin. It will be a glorious day when she croaks, finally freeing our business from the
Nazi reign of the Von Erich bitches and their evil uberpapa.
So where are they now? “Hell” is my
guess. Also, they’re right here on TWF, every time I review a match. The Von Erichs’ true legacy is
the Dead Von Erich Match Rating System, pioneered by yours truly. Go check it out HERE.
Well, dear pyromaniacs, this concludes our tour of Texas, and all that’s left
is the painful “coming down” part. So return to your lives, if you can. Whether you revere or ridicule
them, there’s no denying that the Von Erichs left a legacy in this sport that will never be equaled. But at the
end of the day, they all met their cowardly end just like the rest of their kind. Not surprising, really. After
all, have you ever met a Nazi that actually HAD balls?