Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

CLUSTERSHMAZZ!

BEHIND THE PYRO:
THE VON ERICHS
 
Nothing can prepare you.  It was the biggest conspiracy in the history of pro wrestling.  It came from the mind of the sickest, most diabolical Nazi mind this side of Adolph himself.  No one ever even suspected the truth.

Tonight, in a world wide web exclusive, pro wrestling’s biggest conspiracy will be ripped apart like Underoos at a Jerry Lawler sleepover.  Tonight, the truth will finally be revealed.  Tonight, wrestling’s most controversial family won’t be found on their usual slabs in the morgue, but rather, grilled like slabs of USDA prime cut.  Tonight, you will leave behind everything you thought you knew about Texas wrestling.

You asked for it, people.  Tonight.  The Von Erichs.  Behind The Pyro.  Just don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.

Wrestling and Nazis go together like bratwurst and beer.  Today, the WWE champion is Germany’s own John “Hoss Fuhrer” Layfield.  Previously, the swastika has spanned the ages, from Alex “Berlyn” Wright to that idiot Harris Brother who wore an “SS” shirt on an otherwise forgettable TNA PPV.  In fact, Adolph Hitler himself was a professional wrestler before pursuing other career options.  In fact, Hitler wrestled a young jobber named Abraham Lincoln to a double-disqualification on the undercard of the event that saw Lou Thesz win his fourth NWA World Title.

But far and away, the most successful wrestling Nazi of all time was Fritz Von Erich.  With his dreaded Iron Claw, Fritz goose-stepped all over the industry, leaving a trail of beaten opponents and cheesed-off Americans.  Fritz’s dreaded “Iron Claw” finisher made sniveling Frenchmen out of opponents from sea to shining sea.  Fritz would ultimately set up shop in the great state of Texas, as the HNIC (Head Nazi In Charge) of the Dallas-based World Class Championship Wrestling.

But the true legacy of Fritz came from his demonic Nazi seed.  Much like one of my twisted trivia six-packs, Fritz’s loins let loose a half-dozen of unholy spawn to carry on his name.


Jackie!

Kevin!

Kerry!

David!

Mike!

Chris!

“Every one of these boys, even (Chris), is gonna be a World champeen,” Fritz proudly growled to WCCW’s televised audience.  (Actual quote.)

He lied.

Jackie, the most honorable of all the Von Erich kids, decided that electrocuting himself and drowning in a trailer park puddle was more preferable to a lifetime of carrying out his father’s evil whims.

David, the only Von Erich offspring who could actually work, was on the fast track to beating Ric Flair for the NWA World Title.  But then his career was slightly set back when he died in Japan.  Anyone that has a triple-digit IQ thinks that David’s death came from a drug overdose.  However, Fritz told his Texas fans that David died when one of those dirty Japanese wrestlers kicked him in the gut.  Oh, but don’t worry, David won the match.  (This part actually happened.  Well, Fritz’s spin did.  Not the match pitting David against the evil Japanese guy and his deadly kick of doom.)

But Fritz and Kerry consumed David’s corpse to add to their own unholy power.  David's carcass was the poster corpse for WCCW’s biggest show ever, the “Parade Of Champions” (5/6/84).  Over 30,000 fans filled the Texas Stadium to watch Kerry dethrone Flair for the NWA World Title in the main event.  Kerry lost it back to Naitch three weeks later, but Von Erich Mania was running wild.

Sporting the best leading man looks of anyone since Corky of TV’s “Life Goes On,” Mike Von Erich was rushed into the spotlight so fast, he didn’t even have time to properly change his sanitary protection.  You see, Mike contracted Toxic Shock Syndrome (or “TSS” for short) in the 80s.  Not long afterward, he committed suicide, but the bigger story is that it was here that the first thread sprung loose from Fritz’s tapestry of deceit.

For those of you unfamiliar with TSS, here’s the 411 right off one of those medical FAQ pages:

WHAT IS TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME (TSS)?

TSS is a rare bacteria-caused illness occurring mostly in menstruating women who use high absorbency tampons.  Non-menstrual TSS risk is increased for women who use vaginal barrier contraceptive methods, although the incidence is much lower.


This was an unavoidable sign that Texas sausage was not kosher.  Insiders knew.  They had to.  How could they not?  But they said nothing, clearly in fear of Fritz’s evil empire.

But now the year is 2004 and it’s a different story.  To understand Mike’s death, we have to go back to his birth.  BTP went deep in the heart of Texas and plowed through all its cholesterol-laden arteries to dig up Mike’s birth certificate.  It was here that the horrible truth was revealed.  Pyromaniacs, there’s no easy way to say it: Mike Von Erich was actually born Michelle Von Erich.

Think about it for a second.  Fritz and Doris had six children.  All boys?  Six for six?  Improbable.  No, the Von Erich boys were actually GIRLS.

Jacquelyn!

Devin!

Carrie!

Davidina!

Michelle!

Chrissy!


The Von Erich girls disappointed their tyrannical father simply by being born without penises.  This chromosomal setback would have stopped even the most maniacal mad Nazi’s plans.  But Fritz had a dream of clamping an Iron Claw on the world of wrestling.  And as we know from years of Marc Lowrance’s commentary, the Iron Claw is un-freakin’-breakable.

That’s right, Fritz forced his girls to step into the squared circle anyway.  Fortunately for Fritz, they all inherited their chests from their mother (except Carrie, whose C-cups were explained away as a side effect of steroid abuse).  And for all those years, Texas fans never suspected.  A Nazi pro wrestler lying to the public?  Unthinkable!

From a commercial standpoint, Carrie was the most successful of all the Von Erich girls.  The year was 1990, and Carrie finally made her long-awaited debut in the WWF.  Alas, there was no spot for a young horse-faced lass…until one was made for her.  Herr Fritz hired a young Nazi fraulein to crush the face of Brutus Beefcake, then the #1 contender to Curt Hennig’s IC Title.  While Beefcake was off somewhere trying to save face (story of his life), the slot was open for Carrie to walk into SummerSlam 90 and win the IC belt in her debut PPV match for the WWF (a company first).  However, Carrie quickly lost the IC strap back to Hennig three days before the Survivor Series 90 PPV.  However, Carrie wore the gold to the ring at Survivor Series, as the title switchback hadn’t aired yet.  Carrie hung around the WWF for about another year, doing a career’s worth of jobs.

Oh yeah, Chrissy committed suicide somewhere in here, too.

Anyway, Carrie finally went back home to the Lone Star State after her WWF stint ended.  Her marriage to a guy named Chris disintegrated at that point.  Still though, once a star, always a star.  Right up until her death in 1992, Carrie was still signing autographs left and right.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t signing her own name, and she was signing it on a slew of medical prescriptions.  Between getting busted for prescription forging and seeing her marriage getting shish-ka-bobbed like an Asiatic spike from Brian Adidas, Carrie followed in her sisters’ tradition by ending her life.

Five years later, karma caught up with the HNIC, and Fritz dropped dead.  Some of us are still partying.  Rumors that Vince McMahon managed to preserve Fritz’s brain are thus far unsubstantiated.

Out of all the memorial tributes given in Fritz’s honor, none was more appropriate than the heartfelt eulogy given by Dusty Rhodes on WCW Saturday Night: “My good frien’ Fritzy Von Erich DIED this week.  Fritzy LOVED a good fight, Tony!  Fritzy would have wanted you to order Fall Brawl!”  (This part actually happened.)

As of this writing, the only one left is Devin.  It will be a glorious day when she croaks, finally freeing our business from the Nazi reign of the Von Erich bitches and their evil uberpapa.

So where are they now?  “Hell” is my guess.  Also, they’re right here on TWF, every time I review a match.  The Von Erichs’ true legacy is the Dead Von Erich Match Rating System, pioneered by yours truly.  Go check it out 
HERE.

Well, dear pyromaniacs, this concludes our tour of Texas, and all that’s left is the painful “coming down” part.  So return to your lives, if you can.  Whether you revere or ridicule them, there’s no denying that the Von Erichs left a legacy in this sport that will never be equaled.  But at the end of the day, they all met their cowardly end just like the rest of their kind.  Not surprising, really.  After all, have you ever met a Nazi that actually HAD balls?


-HDS-

Harry Simon is a trivia-fueled wisenheimer who has been writing about pro wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. Harry has written trivia pieces for both the Wrestling Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, and contributed a ton of research to his fellow Las Vegan Mike Tenay in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in 2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color commentary, and ring announcing for indy promotions. Harry invented the Von Erich Match Rating System, which you can learn about HERE.
 
 
Send Feedback to Harry Simon

*All Pics and Logos created by Sean Carless

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).