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CLUSTERSHMAZZ!

HALFTIME REPORT: 2004

As of midnight, 6/30/04, the year is half-over, folks.  That means it’s just six short months before our insanely-popular year-end "Fanny Awards" get handed out again.  Obviously, depending on how the rest of the year plays out, some awards from 2003 will be retired, while sick new ones will be implemented.

Since I never follow a "signature" column (BTP, Writer’s Court) with anything of substance, I thought I’d waste everybody’s time and bandwidth with a look at who’s in the lead for the prestigious Golden Duggans so far in 2004.  So throw those thumbs in the air and cross your eyes like you just don’t care…or whatever.

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FINISH OF THE YEAR. Which wrestler's death was the best, most original, or most memorable?

Top noms so far: Jack Tunney, Hercules Hernandez, a bunch of indy guys no one ever heard of.

My pick: I dunno, Tunney, just so I can suggest that Elizabeth is doing "favors" for Da Prez in Heaven.  Christ on a cracker, 2004 is nothing compared to 2003.  Look at the Class Of ’03: Liz, Hennig, Crash, Hawk, Stu, Blassie, Original Sheik, Wall, Pitbull 2, etc.  So far, 2004 has a figurehead President (I mean, BESIDES Reagan) and a guy whose career highlight was hanging out with Slick and Paul Roma.

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THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one legend, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."

The noms so far: Superstar Graham, Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, New Jack, Jerry Jarrett, Afa.

My pick: Mae Young.  She’ll be the anti-Lucci, winning this award for the next 14 years.

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YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.

Top noms so far: Cat (WWE), Grandmaster Sexay (WWE), JBL (CNBC), Chavo Classic (WWE).

My pick: Toughest category of the year, just like it was last year.  No bad picks, so I’ll go with Classic, just for the sheer bizarreness of it all.  Classic was only supposed to come in for a couple weeks during the Eddie-Chavito feud in January.  But he was so entertaining in his role, they extended his "temp job" indefinitely and he became one of the funniest guys in the company.  Then he apparently had a psychotic episode at Cauliflower Alley, so Vince ordered Jacqueline to pull down his trousers.  And not politely behind closed doors, either.  But after Classic served his sentence, he was rewarded with a fucking CW Title reign while guys like Ultimo, Kidman, and London remain unpushed.  So THEN he no-showed a couple shots without even telling his son or his brother where the hell he was.  Adios, Papacita.  You set a new standard that exceeded even a goose-stepping stock analyst.

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POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.

Top noms so far: HHH, Jarrett, UT.

My pick: UT.  Even Triple-H and Double-J don’t have the balls to bill themselves as making "rare" appearances on the weekly TV shows where they’re one of the top stars.  Oy.

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STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)

Top noms so far: HHH.

My pick: HHH.  Ohhhhhhhh…so THAT’S what he meant when he told all the guys that he was "carrying the company."  He just left out, "in my belly."

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PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)

Top noms so far: Slyvan Grenier, Tyson Tomko, Jeff Jarrett, Mark Jindrak.

My pick: Jindrak, only because it isn’t just HE who is sucking, it’s the fact that they stuck Theodore Long with him, wasting one of the five best talkers in the company.

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LT. WORF MEMORIAL "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)

Top noms so far: JBL, Sylvan Grenier, Mark Jindrak.

My pick: JBL.  A publicized Nazi scandal, and not only is he still employed; he’s ll a main-event heel WWE champion…at least, as of 7/1/04, anyway.  This pick may soon be ruled ineligible for obvious reasons…though JBL might double his chances for success in the "Yer Firrrrrred" division.  Stay tuned, Fanny fans!!

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MAN ALIVE!..THERE'S A MAN ALIVE DONE THERE! (craziest bump of the year)

Top noms so far: Orton at-"tack"-ed (Backlash 04).

My pick: Orton going bareback into a pile of thumbtacks at BL 04.  A surprising, career-making bump.  Nothing else measures up.  Largely because there really WERE no other crazy bumps that I know of…but still, you go RKO!

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I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling;)

Top noms so far: Pretty much anyone with a vagina who has appeared as part of a wrestling program.  We’re not picky.

My non-picky pick: Gail Kim.  It’s mathematics.  Subtract Molly’s hair, add Gail’s new breasts, and I’m seein’ Korean.

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THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick)

Top noms so far: Eugene, "Straight Man" Charlie Haas, Shark Boy.

My pick: Eugene.  Trust a retard to make it a no-brainer.

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THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance.

Top noms so far:  Maniqua demoted to OVW, MSG crowd shit on Goldberg-Lesnar, Benoit gets a "Clique-killer" push (including PPV main event wins at RR04 and WMXX), A Steph-less year (?).

My pick: A Steph-less year (if it truly turns out to be one).  Hair metal band Cinderella was wrong; You DO what you’ve got once it’s gone.

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BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.

Top noms so far: UT over Booker (J Day), UT over Dudleys (GAB).

My pick: It’s close, but UT single-handedly defeating THE ONLY UMPTEEN-TIME TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT sets a new standard for burials.  This will likely be UT’s second consecutive win in this category since its inception, btw.  It’s kinda like all the years Brody and Foley won "Best Brawler" honors in the sheets.  Talk about living your gimmick.  UT has buried more wrestlers than Fritz Von Erich.

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SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN

Top noms so far: Tyson Tomko, Dallas.

My pick: Tomko.  Ain’t nothing funny about this.  Move along, people.  Nothing to see here.

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THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted;)

Top noms so far: Lita/Kane, Lita/Matt Hardy.

My pick: Lita/MHV1.  He dumped her on national TV for fuck’s sake.  Even by WWWFE standards, it’s ridiculous times two.

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THE SHOCKY.  Best blooper of the year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).

Top noms so far: Tomko falls on his ass during his debut kick, Ultimo slips twice in the space of 60 seconds during his intro at WMXX, Orton blows his finisher on Raw (Evolution vs. Jericho & RVD).

My pick: Tomko’s Tomkick.  Just like Nate Me Mate and Shockmaster years before them both, it’s one thing to bloop once fans have gotten used to you.  But when you blow a spot during YOUR FUCKING DEBUT, you’re a coat hanger candidate.  Take a bow, Double-T.  On second thought, don’t.  You might tear your spinal column.  Hmmmm.  On third thought, go ahead and do it after all.

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YOU EXPECT ME TO SWALLOW THAT? (The Most Obvious Gay Wrestler)

Top noms so far: Are there really any BAD picks for this award?

My pick: Bob Holly.  He virtually screams "insecure closet case" by his every word and action.  Also, he’s Billy Gunn’s new "partner."  ‘Nuff said.

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AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS:

Top noms so far: JBL, Tomko.

My pick: "Hoss Fuhrer" JBL.  He’s indestructible.  Just like the real Hitler, when he dies, his brain will be preserved and bonded to a super-powered gorilla, just like portrayed in the "Savage Dragon" comic book.

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DON"T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY.  (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)

Top noms so far: HHH, UT, Jarrett, JBL, Tomko, Grenier.

My pick: UT.  I’m more sick of him than I am of HHHitler these days.  At least Trips put over a couple guys here and there in 2004.  Not so for the Deadman, who actually single-handedly beat…ah, you know.

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NO LEG TO STAND ON (Best of The Maimed!)

Top noms so far: Kurt Angle.

My pick: Kurt Angle.  Who says you need a functional neck to be an entertaining part of a wrestling show?

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"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!"

Top noms so far: Big Show goes King Kong on Torrie and Angle, Booker discovers voodoo, Jackie wins the CW Title, WWE Originals.

My pick: WWE Originals.  Poor, lovely innocent Lilian Garcia.  You deserve at least a little foreplay before getting sodomized.

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"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job

Top noms so far: Everyone except Spike Dudley.

My pick: Edge.  This guy gets less and less mobile with each outing.  He’s fastly approaching Warlord territory.  Anyone have the number for Pizza Hut?

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"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)

Top noms so far: Gail Kim, Victoria, Shelton Benjamin.

My pick: Shelly B.  At least the other two jiggle.

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THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)

Top noms so far: Rock & Sock vs. Evolution (WMXX), Lesnar quits, Angle injured (AGAIN!).

My pick: Lesnar quits.  This guy was just coming into his own as SD’s MVP (remember the classic Mariachi band promo?).  So what happens?  He buys a private plane and flies off to join some XFL-wannabe called the "NFL" or somesuch.  Assbag.

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ROCK IN PEACE.  Best-produced "memorial tribute" feature.

Only nom so far: James Dudley.

My pick: Um, James Dudley.  Ah well, I guess I should just be thankful Vince did ONE so they don’t get rusty.

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EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY.

Top noms so far: Ric Flair downplays steroid use on ESPN, Brock Lesnar runs off to join the NFL, JBL explains why it’s okay to give "Heil Hitler" salutes in Germany, JBL says internet fans are gay.

My pick: Lesnar.  Flair’s senile, and JBL exists on a whole ‘nother plane of reality.  But Brock going to pick up the pigskin (meaning, a football, not his "MILF" girlfriend Sable) is just plain baffling.  "The Ex-Big Thing" gets my vote.

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THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular fortitude.

Top noms: Orton (BL04), Foley (BL04).

My pick: RKO risked his pretty-boy looks for the sake of having a memorable hardcore match.  He’s a real man’s man.

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THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)

Top noms so far: Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, AJ Styles.

My pick: Eddie G has done more with less than runner-up Benoit.  Benoit gets to work against HBK; Eddie G has to carry JBL…repeatedly.  Plus, Eddie has finally come into his own as a character, showing a wide range of emotions while doing so.  Hey, I like Benoit as much as the next smark, but his promos still suck.  For real.

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MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass and your Face)

Top noms so far: Royal Rumble match (RR04), Eddie vs. Brock (No Way Out), Eddie vs. Angle (WMXX), Benoit vs. HHH vs. HBK (WMXX), Benoit vs. HHH vs. HBK (Backlash), Clique In A Cell: HHH vs. HBK (Bad Blood).

My pick: The WMXX Triple Threat where Benoit won the title was the best WM main event of all time and the best-booked match I’ve seen since my beloved Raven & Richards vs. Pitbulls match from ECW Gangsta’s Paradise 95.

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BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year)

Top noms so far: Robert Conway, Coach, Shelton Benjamin, Randy Orton, Gail Kim, Batista, Nidia.

My pick: Shelton was given the ball and he ran like Buddy Rose from a child support payment.  That said, I like watching Gail Kim more, so she’s my vote.  Life is unfair, Shelton.  Welcome to wrestling.

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There are also a couple new awards we’ll be implementing this year:

I’D BUY IT IF I COULDN’T STEAL IT (PPV of the year):

Top noms so far: WMXX, Backlash 04.

My pick: WMXX had two of the best WM matches ever (Benoit-HBK-HHH and Eddie-Angle), one damn good match (Y2J-CLB), and plenty of familiar faces and bells-n’-whistles to distract from the bad stuff.  It lived up to the hype when it counted…and that’s what counts.

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WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)

Top noms so far: Bacardi & Cola (Haas & Benjamin), The World’s Gayest Tag Team (Rico & Haas), Tokin’ Black Guy (RVD & Booker), D-Generated Nex, a.k.a. The Megahosers, a.k.a. E&B (Edge & Benoit), Homolition (Bashams), AMW, Dudleys.

My pick: Well, none of ‘em actually outdid the others in terms of memorable matches, but The World’s Gayest Tag Team was consistently the most entertaining and fun to watch, so they get the nod.

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FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)

Top noms so far: HBK vs. HHH, Benoit vs. HBK vs. HHH, Jericho vs. Christian, Foley vs. Orton.

My pick: Foley vs. Orton.  The 2-on-3 handicap match at WMXX was a letdown, but Orton’s hate campaign against Foley was GOLD.

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"LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2004)

Top noms so far: Benoit’s Rumble win, Eddie & Benoit’s WMXX celebration, Rock rubs Eugene, Benoit’s Edmonton homecoming, Feinstein pedo bust; ROH-TNA shenanigans.

My pick: Eddie & Benoit’s WMXX celebration.  After years of Sids and Warriors, the biggest show of the year closed with two of the greatest workers of all time celebrating as the MSG crowd came unglued.  The IWC rose as one and ejaculated.

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But alas, there is one award for which there are no clear top nominees…yet.

WELL, AT LEAST SHE HAS BIG TITS. (Award for Worst Stephanie Moment of the Year;)

I can’t believe that we’ve been Skankanie-free for eight months and counting.  Hopefully, the golden silence will continue and we won’t even need to award this…um, award in 2004.  That alone would make it a banner year and make up for the overall lack of wrestler deaths.

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And there you have it, halftimers.  Not a bad little year so far, if I do say so myself.  Where 2004 has to recover now is in terms of dead wrestlers and more of that just plain strangeness that we know and demand from our spandex-clad heroes.  JBL can’t carry the whole year for everyone…unless he does.

‘Scuze me for a sec while I put my hand on one ear for that Mean Gene "mock surprise" spot…

Oop!  That’s it for halftime, fans!  Let’s get you back to the rasslers who make headlines on the internet, where I understand the second half of this year is already in progress!  Take it away, you spot-blowing, pill-popping, continuity-crushing, Hitler-heiling, pedo-defending crazy cats, you!

-HDS-

*All Pics and Logos created by Sean Carless

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).