HALFTIME REPORT: 2004
As of midnight, 6/30/04, the year is half-over, folks. That
means it’s just six short months before our insanely-popular year-end "Fanny Awards" get handed out again. Obviously,
depending on how the rest of the year plays out, some awards from 2003 will be retired, while sick new ones will be implemented.
Since I never follow a "signature" column (BTP, Writer’s Court) with anything of substance, I thought I’d
waste everybody’s time and bandwidth with a look at who’s in the lead for the prestigious Golden Duggans so far
in 2004. So throw those thumbs in the air and cross your eyes like you just don’t care…or whatever.
****
FINISH OF THE YEAR. Which wrestler's death was the best, most original, or most memorable?
Top
noms so far: Jack Tunney, Hercules Hernandez, a bunch of indy guys no one ever heard of.
My pick: I dunno, Tunney,
just so I can suggest that Elizabeth is doing "favors" for Da Prez in Heaven. Christ on a cracker, 2004 is nothing compared
to 2003. Look at the Class Of ’03: Liz, Hennig, Crash, Hawk, Stu, Blassie, Original Sheik, Wall, Pitbull 2, etc.
So far, 2004 has a figurehead President (I mean, BESIDES Reagan) and a guy whose career highlight was hanging out with Slick
and Paul Roma.
*
THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one legend, saying "I
can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."
The noms so far: Superstar Graham, Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, Scott
Hall, Jake Roberts, New Jack, Jerry Jarrett, Afa.
My pick: Mae Young. She’ll be the anti-Lucci, winning
this award for the next 14 years.
*
YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company
giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
Top noms so far: Cat (WWE), Grandmaster Sexay (WWE), JBL (CNBC), Chavo Classic
(WWE).
My pick: Toughest category of the year, just like it was last year. No bad picks, so I’ll go with
Classic, just for the sheer bizarreness of it all. Classic was only supposed to come in for a couple weeks during the
Eddie-Chavito feud in January. But he was so entertaining in his role, they extended his "temp job" indefinitely and
he became one of the funniest guys in the company. Then he apparently had a psychotic episode at Cauliflower Alley,
so Vince ordered Jacqueline to pull down his trousers. And not politely behind closed doors, either. But after
Classic served his sentence, he was rewarded with a fucking CW Title reign while guys like Ultimo, Kidman, and London remain
unpushed. So THEN he no-showed a couple shots without even telling his son or his brother where the hell he was.
Adios, Papacita. You set a new standard that exceeded even a goose-stepping stock analyst.
*
POLITICIAN
OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.
Top
noms so far: HHH, Jarrett, UT.
My pick: UT. Even Triple-H and Double-J don’t have the balls to bill themselves
as making "rare" appearances on the weekly TV shows where they’re one of the top stars. Oy.
*
STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)
Top noms so far: HHH.
My
pick: HHH. Ohhhhhhhh…so THAT’S what he meant when he told all the guys that he was "carrying the company."
He just left out, "in my belly."
*
PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler
who is least deserving of a Push.)
Top noms so far: Slyvan Grenier, Tyson Tomko, Jeff Jarrett, Mark Jindrak.
My
pick: Jindrak, only because it isn’t just HE who is sucking, it’s the fact that they stuck Theodore Long with
him, wasting one of the five best talkers in the company.
*
LT. WORF MEMORIAL "CLING-ON" AWARD:
(for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)
Top noms so far: JBL, Sylvan Grenier, Mark Jindrak.
My
pick: JBL. A publicized Nazi scandal, and not only is he still employed; he’s ll a main-event heel WWE champion…at
least, as of 7/1/04, anyway. This pick may soon be ruled ineligible for obvious reasons…though JBL might double
his chances for success in the "Yer Firrrrrred" division. Stay tuned, Fanny fans!!
*
MAN
ALIVE!..THERE'S A MAN ALIVE DONE THERE! (craziest bump of the year)
Top noms so far: Orton at-"tack"-ed (Backlash
04).
My pick: Orton going bareback into a pile of thumbtacks at BL 04. A surprising, career-making bump.
Nothing else measures up. Largely because there really WERE no other crazy bumps that I know of…but still, you
go RKO!
*
I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling;)
Top
noms so far: Pretty much anyone with a vagina who has appeared as part of a wrestling program. We’re not picky.
My non-picky pick: Gail Kim. It’s mathematics. Subtract Molly’s hair, add Gail’s new
breasts, and I’m seein’ Korean.
*
THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered
through a TERRIBLE gimmick)
Top noms so far: Eugene, "Straight Man" Charlie Haas, Shark Boy.
My pick: Eugene.
Trust a retard to make it a no-brainer.
*
THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck
gave us a lapdance.
Top noms so far: Maniqua demoted to OVW, MSG crowd shit on Goldberg-Lesnar, Benoit gets
a "Clique-killer" push (including PPV main event wins at RR04 and WMXX), A Steph-less year (?).
My pick: A Steph-less
year (if it truly turns out to be one). Hair metal band Cinderella was wrong; You DO what you’ve got once it’s
gone.
*
BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.
Top noms so far: UT
over Booker (J Day), UT over Dudleys (GAB).
My pick: It’s close, but UT single-handedly defeating THE ONLY UMPTEEN-TIME
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT sets a new standard for burials. This will likely be UT’s second
consecutive win in this category since its inception, btw. It’s kinda like all the years Brody and Foley won "Best
Brawler" honors in the sheets. Talk about living your gimmick. UT has buried more wrestlers than Fritz Von Erich.
*
SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN
Top noms so far: Tyson Tomko, Dallas.
My pick:
Tomko. Ain’t nothing funny about this. Move along, people. Nothing to see here.
*
THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted;)
Top noms
so far: Lita/Kane, Lita/Matt Hardy.
My pick: Lita/MHV1. He dumped her on national TV for fuck’s sake.
Even by WWWFE standards, it’s ridiculous times two.
*
THE SHOCKY. Best blooper
of the year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
Top noms so far: Tomko falls on his ass during his debut
kick, Ultimo slips twice in the space of 60 seconds during his intro at WMXX, Orton blows his finisher on Raw (Evolution vs.
Jericho & RVD).
My pick: Tomko’s Tomkick. Just like Nate Me Mate and Shockmaster years before them
both, it’s one thing to bloop once fans have gotten used to you. But when you blow a spot during YOUR FUCKING
DEBUT, you’re a coat hanger candidate. Take a bow, Double-T. On second thought, don’t. You might
tear your spinal column. Hmmmm. On third thought, go ahead and do it after all.
*
YOU
EXPECT ME TO SWALLOW THAT? (The Most Obvious Gay Wrestler)
Top noms so far: Are there really any BAD picks
for this award?
My pick: Bob Holly. He virtually screams "insecure closet case" by his every word and action.
Also, he’s Billy Gunn’s new "partner." ‘Nuff said.
*
AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES'
AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS:
Top noms so far: JBL, Tomko.
My pick: "Hoss Fuhrer"
JBL. He’s indestructible. Just like the real Hitler, when he dies, his brain will be preserved and bonded
to a super-powered gorilla, just like portrayed in the "Savage Dragon" comic book.
*
DON"T GO
AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)
Top
noms so far: HHH, UT, Jarrett, JBL, Tomko, Grenier.
My pick: UT. I’m more sick of him than I am of HHHitler
these days. At least Trips put over a couple guys here and there in 2004. Not so for the Deadman, who actually
single-handedly beat…ah, you know.
*
NO LEG TO STAND ON (Best of The Maimed!)
Top
noms so far: Kurt Angle.
My pick: Kurt Angle. Who says you need a functional neck to be an entertaining part
of a wrestling show?
*
"EVEN WE'RE
EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!"
Top noms so far: Big Show goes King Kong on Torrie and Angle, Booker discovers
voodoo, Jackie wins the CW Title, WWE Originals.
My pick: WWE Originals. Poor, lovely innocent Lilian Garcia.
You deserve at least a little foreplay before getting sodomized.
*
"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL
FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job
Top noms so far: Everyone except Spike Dudley.
My
pick: Edge. This guy gets less and less mobile with each outing. He’s fastly approaching Warlord territory.
Anyone have the number for Pizza Hut?
*
"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY"
(worst theme music)
Top noms so far: Gail Kim, Victoria, Shelton Benjamin.
My pick: Shelly B. At least
the other two jiggle.
*
THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled
backwards)
Top noms so far: Rock & Sock vs. Evolution (WMXX), Lesnar quits, Angle injured (AGAIN!).
My
pick: Lesnar quits. This guy was just coming into his own as SD’s MVP (remember the classic Mariachi band promo?).
So what happens? He buys a private plane and flies off to join some XFL-wannabe called the "NFL" or somesuch.
Assbag.
*
ROCK IN PEACE. Best-produced "memorial tribute" feature.
Only
nom so far: James Dudley.
My pick: Um, James Dudley. Ah well, I guess I should just be thankful Vince did ONE
so they don’t get rusty.
*
EVEN
OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY.
Top noms so far: Ric Flair downplays steroid use on ESPN, Brock Lesnar
runs off to join the NFL, JBL explains why it’s okay to give "Heil Hitler" salutes in Germany, JBL says internet fans
are gay.
My pick: Lesnar. Flair’s senile, and JBL exists on a whole ‘nother plane of reality.
But Brock going to pick up the pigskin (meaning, a football, not his "MILF" girlfriend Sable) is just plain baffling.
"The Ex-Big Thing" gets my vote.
*
THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular
fortitude.
Top noms: Orton (BL04), Foley (BL04).
My pick: RKO risked his pretty-boy looks for the sake of
having a memorable hardcore match. He’s a real man’s man.
*
THE BEST THING
SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)
Top noms so far: Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho,
AJ Styles.
My pick: Eddie G has done more with less than runner-up Benoit. Benoit gets to work against HBK;
Eddie G has to carry JBL…repeatedly. Plus, Eddie has finally come into his own as a character, showing a wide
range of emotions while doing so. Hey, I like Benoit as much as the next smark, but his promos still suck. For
real.
*
MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass and your Face)
Top noms so far: Royal
Rumble match (RR04), Eddie vs. Brock (No Way Out), Eddie vs. Angle (WMXX), Benoit vs. HHH vs. HBK (WMXX), Benoit vs. HHH vs.
HBK (Backlash), Clique In A Cell: HHH vs. HBK (Bad Blood).
My pick: The WMXX Triple Threat where Benoit won the title
was the best WM main event of all time and the best-booked match I’ve seen since my beloved Raven & Richards vs.
Pitbulls match from ECW Gangsta’s Paradise 95.
*
BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES
WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year)
Top noms so far: Robert Conway, Coach, Shelton Benjamin,
Randy Orton, Gail Kim, Batista, Nidia.
My pick: Shelton was given the ball and he ran like Buddy Rose from a child
support payment. That said, I like watching Gail Kim more, so she’s my vote. Life is unfair, Shelton.
Welcome to wrestling.
****
There are also a couple new awards we’ll be implementing this year:
I’D BUY IT IF I COULDN’T STEAL IT (PPV of the year):
Top noms so far: WMXX, Backlash 04.
My pick: WMXX had two of the best WM matches ever (Benoit-HBK-HHH and Eddie-Angle), one damn good match (Y2J-CLB),
and plenty of familiar faces and bells-n’-whistles to distract from the bad stuff. It lived up to the hype when
it counted…and that’s what counts.
*
WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR"
(Best tag team)
Top noms so far: Bacardi & Cola (Haas & Benjamin), The World’s Gayest Tag Team (Rico
& Haas), Tokin’ Black Guy (RVD & Booker), D-Generated Nex, a.k.a. The Megahosers, a.k.a. E&B (Edge &
Benoit), Homolition (Bashams), AMW, Dudleys.
My pick: Well, none of ‘em actually outdid the others in terms
of memorable matches, but The World’s Gayest Tag Team was consistently the most entertaining and fun to watch, so they
get the nod.
*
FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)
Top noms so far: HBK vs. HHH,
Benoit vs. HBK vs. HHH, Jericho vs. Christian, Foley vs. Orton.
My pick: Foley vs. Orton. The 2-on-3 handicap
match at WMXX was a letdown, but Orton’s hate campaign against Foley was GOLD.
*
"LIKE
SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2004)
Top noms so far: Benoit’s Rumble
win, Eddie & Benoit’s WMXX celebration, Rock rubs Eugene, Benoit’s Edmonton homecoming, Feinstein pedo bust;
ROH-TNA shenanigans.
My pick: Eddie & Benoit’s WMXX celebration. After years of Sids and Warriors,
the biggest show of the year closed with two of the greatest workers of all time celebrating as the MSG crowd came unglued.
The IWC rose as one and ejaculated.
***
But alas, there is one award for which there are no clear top nominees…yet.
WELL, AT LEAST SHE HAS BIG TITS. (Award for Worst Stephanie Moment of the Year;)
I can’t
believe that we’ve been Skankanie-free for eight months and counting. Hopefully, the golden silence will continue
and we won’t even need to award this…um, award in 2004. That alone would make it a banner year and make
up for the overall lack of wrestler deaths.
****
And there you have it, halftimers. Not a bad little
year so far, if I do say so myself. Where 2004 has to recover now is in terms of dead wrestlers and more of that just
plain strangeness that we know and demand from our spandex-clad heroes. JBL can’t carry the whole year for everyone…unless
he does.
‘Scuze me for a sec while I put my hand on one ear for that Mean Gene "mock surprise" spot…
Oop!
That’s it for halftime, fans! Let’s get you back to the rasslers who make headlines on the internet, where
I understand the second half of this year is already in progress! Take it away, you spot-blowing, pill-popping, continuity-crushing,
Hitler-heiling, pedo-defending crazy cats, you!
-HDS-
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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