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In many ways, pro wrestling is like home economics. Only through the right combination of ingredients can one achieve the soufflé known as "over." Take D-Von Dudley, for instance. ECW's Dudleys were unapologetically ripped off from the Hanson brothers in the Paul Newman comedy classic "Slapshot." Then D-Von burst on the scene as not only a Dudley, but also as a volatile Bible-quoting sociopath, a direct swipe from Samuel L. Jackson's character in "Pulp Fiction."
So in the case of D-Von, we had a wrestling gimmick who owed his existence to not one, but TWO different movie characters. True, today's "Dudley Boyz" who have been the WWWFE's most reliable tag team for the past five years bear little resemblance to the tie-dyed, taped-glasses-clad inbreds of yesteryear. But hey, you can reinvent yourself all you want once you've got your foot in the door (see: Undertaker, The). The toughest part of being a pro wrestler is getting noticed to begin with. Well, that and the whole "death before you turn 40" thing.
Now just imagine. What if fans were introduced to wrestler who had the understated Australian charm of Outback Jack, while also possessing the hardcore street cred of Nailz? There was such a man. Grab some cookies, pyromaniacs, because tonight we go deep into "The Hole" in order to milk the amazing story of Nathan Jones. BEHIND THE PYRO.
Nathan Jones was in jail. I don't know why or for how long. Look, if a man has paid his debt to society, let him get on with life. BTP has never been about taking the time and effort to research why some scumbag went to the pokey. The fact alone that he was in jail should be enough for you. It was for wrestling promoters. Well, there was one other thing.

God-given genetics and protein bars will only do so much for you. In order to achieve the look that Vince wants, you've gotta do steroids. Lots of steroids. Sometimes backne and shrunken testicles just aren't enough. You've gotta WANT IT. And want it, Nathan did. The guy did so much steroids he actually fucking LACTATED. I swear on the Bible and Molly's cleavage that I'm not making this up. Milk came out of the man's nipples. This kind of steroid abuse gave pause to even other legendary roid-ragers.

"He fucking LACTATED?!" gawked Road Warrior Hawk, months before his death brought on by years of his own steroid abuse. But at least Hawk never fucking LACTATED.

The first time U.S. fans were subjected to Nate was during the ill-fated Australia-based "World Wrestling All-Stars." In many ways, the WWAS was doomed from the start, because the initials alone let smartasses like me crack jokes like "Hey, remember when Konnan WWAS a star? Remember when Road Dogg's merchandise WWAS selling?" You get the point. And they got Nathan Jones, whom they nicknamed "The Front Row," presumably because arenas had to comp out the full front row to make it seem like people showed up to watch this big green oaf wrestle.

The first WWAS show featured a "seven deadly sins" tournament to crown the inaugural WWAS Hvt Champion. In an attempt to get Nate over with his home-country fans, they gave him Australian talk show host Rove ??? as a manager. In an attempt to prevent Nate from ever getting over with his home-country fans, they inexplicably jobbed out Nate in the first round of the tourney to Jeff Jarrett in a "guitar-on-a-pole" match. Jarrett, by the way, went on to win the whole shebang despite the fact that his father didn't own this promotion. Yes, mysteries abounded on this night.

WWAS was a venture by concert promoter Andrew McManus. McManus' understanding of the wrestling business is rivaled only by that of my dog, Sugar. Back in 2002, the WWWFE ran a stupid angle where Christian was depressed because he was going through a losing streak. This culminated with the CLB "quitting" on WWWFE TV. This was part of a storyline where "Positively Page" DDP would help Christian find his smile again. When McManus watched the episode of Smackdown where Christian "quit," McManus immediately tried to sign Christian for the next WWA tour. (This part really happened.)

Even the fact that the "Front Row" eventually did get a brief run with the WWA Hvt Title wasn't enough to keep Nate home on the farm. No, Nathan Jones and his crazy eyes were WWE-bound. Strange vignettes began airing on Smackdown, touting Nathan's arrival. They consisted of Nate making strange faces while rats raced around a jail cell (not Missy Hyatt and Tammy Sytch, mind you, but actual rodents).

In an homage to the infamous Shockmaster debut, Nathan's big WWE debut saw him do a run-in, throw some kicks.and clumsily land right on his rump. Not the best first impression to make on his new fans. As weeks rolled on, we found that Undertaker had agreed to train Nate upon his WWE arrival. UT may be the Lord Of Darkness, but dammit, he's always willing to help a brother out. For those of you playing along at home, by the way, apparently Smackdown General Manager Stephanie McMahon gave a contract to an ex-con who didn't know how to wrestle. (Don't blame me this time. That was actually the WWE's own idiotic storyline.)

Vince had such faith in Nath that Nathan & UT vs. Big Show & A-Train was booked for WM19. Nate got a WM payoff while lesser men such as Scott Steiner, Tajiri, Jamie Noble, Christian, Jeff Hardy, Hurricane, Sean O'Haire, and Rikishi were left off the PPV altogether. (In hindsight, maybe Christian SHOULD have signed with McManus after all.) Savvy politician that he was, Nathan knew full well that he couldn't have the "Worst Wrestlemania match" or even the "Worst Wrestlemania match involving The Undertaker" if he tried. The FTD bouquet Nathan sent to Giant Gonzalez was said to be lovely.

Life on the road can be as hard as life in the clink. Knowing both full well, Nathan became something of a locker room cut-up, always one to enjoy a good laugh. Unfortunately, airport security didn't appreciate Nate jokingly telling them that he was about to board a plane with "a bomb in me shoe." No stranger to cavity searches, Nate was delayed to say the least. (This part really happened, too. Well, the "bomb" joke did. I'm just guessing about the cavity search. If anyone knows for sure, please keep it to your damn self.)

Unsubstantiated rumors I started in chat rooms had it that the marketing bonanza to trumpet Nathan's return would start with one of those kick-ass "Desire" videos, wherein clips of a wrestler's greatest moments were montaged over the Creed ballad "My Sacrifice." Shots of Nathan saying his prayers and taking his vitamins were to open the vignette, leading to the dramatic shot where his nipples exploded with 2% homogenized once the big guitar came in. Alas, this never aired.

Nathan eventually resurfaced in the fall of 2003, alongside fellow lummoxes Matt Morgan, A-Train, and Big Show on Brock Lesnar's Survivor Series team. For those of you playing along at home, this was Nathan's official heel turn. WWE writers felt that actually doing a full-fledged "heel turn angle" would be so shocking to Nathaniacs worldwide, it might literally blow fans' minds. So rather than risking having the brain matter of fans splattering all over their TV screens, WWE writers felt it was better not to do an official heel turn angle at all. Oh yeah, and Nate's sensei, the babyface Undertaker, was so shocked and appalled by this turn of events, he couldn't even be bothered to comment on it at all. (This part really happened, too.)

Being a prominent part of the single worst team in Survivor Series history (and remember, one year saw Zeus and The Warlord ON THE SAME DAMN TEAM) finally scared Nate straight. Ironically, Nathan became something of a locker room "policeman" in the SD locker room. Guys like Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit used to strut around like peacocks just because they were always having good matches, and thus, showing up the rest of the company. Nate Me Mate fixed all that. Once each of "Five-Star Club" had a TV match with NJ, they were exposed as what they really are; Guys who couldn't have a good match with Nathan Jones. That taught all those uppity "workrate" freaks.

After Survivor Series, the wheels were in motion to start the build for Nate Me Mate's match at Wrestlemania XX; the biggest Wrestlemania of them all. WMXX was all about celebrating the past while looking to the future. To wit, Nathan was scheduled to be matched up against former WWWFE wrestler, current WWWFE employee, and future WWWFE Hall-Of-Famer, Hillbilly Jim.

The match was to be a natural "full circle" for both wrestlers. Remember, like Nathan, Hillbilly Jim also was brought in back in the 80s with the storyline of getting a contract despite not knowing how to wrestle. And like Nathan, Hillbilly was trained by the oldest guy in the locker room at the time; Hulk Hogan. The build to Jones vs. Jim would have been simple, but effective. Hillbilly was to be the one man whom Nathan feared (you know, just like every Jake "The Snake" Roberts angle ever). Hillbilly would return to Smackdown a-rootin' and a-tootin', chasing Nathan all over the place with a bucket and a stool. Naturally, Nate would ultimately get his receipt with a big win over big Jim on the big stage.

After the Hillbilly win, rumors abounded that the WWE marketing machine was going to get behind Nathan Jones so completely, you'd think that Nate was back in the prison shower. To truly follow in Hillbilly's footsteps, Nathan would start bringing in his "relatives" to the WWE. Cousin Junior Jones (whose specialty was stealing cars and illegally downloading MP3s), would make an immediate impact in the Cruiserweight division. Uncle Ozzy Jones (Aryan guy with a sheep fetish) would be a big stiff who would exist solely to get the crap beat out of him by The Undertaker in one of those Undertaker matches Vince makes us sit through because he hates us. John Heidenreich is still sick about not getting this role and taking it out on everyone he "works" with. Nate's Mates would be running that show like it was their own personal cellblock. Ah, what could have been. But it was never meant to be.

If you thought "The Front Row" was bad, you have no idea. WWE creative decided to saddle Nate with the single worst nickname for a wrestler since "Mr. Ass." And so it came to pass that Michael Cole began calling Nate "The Colossus Of Boggo Road." I think Boggo Road is a road in Australia. We were supposed to get that? Not only is that not catchy, but it follows a little-known curse in wrestling circles: Wrestlers nicknamed after members of the X-Men NEVER get over.

"Iceman" Dean Malenko = Never really pushed by the WWWFE, once did a job to Lita on TV, now a road agent or something similarly demoralizing.

Dan "The Beast" Severn = Best known for being referred to as "Freddie Mercury" by a drunken Tank Abbott on UFC PPV. 'Nuff said.

Nitro Girl "Storm" = Repackaged as "Paisley," valet to one of the most boring wrestlers ever, The Artist. Currently working weekends at "Cheetahs."

"Angel" Of Death = True, he was never any good to begin with, but the curse sealed his fate. Remember, he was a Black Scorpion in 1990.

(So far, the only wrestler to escape the X-Curse is "Wolverine" Chris Benoit, but give it time. Have faith in the WWE's innate ability to fuck up even the easiest guys to push.)

Realizing that the writing was on the wall for his WWE career, Nate Me Mate up and quit during an international tour, returning home to Australia, which ironically enough, was a penal colony to begin with. Smackdown hasn't been the same since Jones went home. Locker room morale went into a perennial state of solitary confinement. Michael Cole and Tazz now bicker incessantly. Charlie "Bacardi" Haas is slowly turning gay in protest. Lesnar quit altogether. Angle's neck took its one remaining vertebrae and went home. Big Show beat up a car in frustration and hasn't been seen since. Rikishi cried so hard, he required surgery in both eyes. Benoit, Yoshihiro Tajiri, and Shelton "Cola" Benjamin all jumped to Raw, knowing full well that HHH stalks that locker room like the large political brontosaurus he is.

Got milk? The WWE doesn't. Not anymore.

So where is he now? Australia, dumbass. Weren't you paying attention? They say the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. I say pay your damn power bill, deadbeat. But nevertheless, Nathan Jones was around just long enough to put the lockdown on the imaginations of WWE fans across the world. Whether you're a fully tattooed Nathaniac or lactose-intolerant, you can't deny that in a business owned and operated by con men, it took an ex-con to teach us what the true meaning of a good wrestler really was.

I still can't believe he fucking lactated...


The self-proclaimed "Trivia MANGOD" has been writing about wrestling off and on for 14 years and counted. Harry has written for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, and had trivia pieces posted on LAW and Wrestling Observer;
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*All Pics and Logos created by Sean Carless

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).