Hello there, fat internet wrestling fans,
and welcome to another fun-packed* issue of The Hoss
Whisperer. Despite last weeks debacle, I have
elected to continue with my quest to give the WWE a
much needed Makeover. So enough fooling around, lets
get to the comedy.
*Exact amount of fun may vary.
EXTREME MAKEOVER: WWE
There are many personalities in the world of
professional wrestling who come under-fire from the
obese, sweaty organism known was the Internet
Wrestling Community. But none more so than the one
known as Paul Levesque, who according to the IWC is
pretty much the cause of everything that's ever gone
wrong in the history of everything. This certainly,
was an aspect of the industry that I needed to take
a look into.
But who do you turn to when you
want to start investigating this crazy business?
Well I decided to follow in the footsteps of the
American media after the GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED
incident and ask Marc Mero. Because if anyone can
give us an insight into how wrestling works today,
BB: Mr. Mero, as an authority on
the wrestling business, why do you think Triple H
gets so many chances in the WWE? Is there some sort
of connection with himself and the McMahon family?
MERO: A connection with the McMahon family? Don't
be ridiculous, you don't just hook up with the
boss's daughter and get chances in the wrestling
industry. Oh no, it's clear to me what's going on
MERO: Yes sir, Triple H gets so many chances
because he, like literally billions of other
professional wrestlers, spends 97% of his
professional life purchasing or consuming anabolic
BB: That...doesn't make sense. How could steroids
affect the opportunities he's given?
MERO: I could name you right now off the top of
my head, the names of at least 72 wrestlers who have
died in the past month because of steroid abuse. We
must regulate the industry more strictly, or some of
the more sinister side affects of steroids will
manifest. For example, murder.
BB: You really don't have a clue what you're
talking about, do you?
MERO: IT WAS THE STEROIDS I TELL YOU, THEY'RE
EVERYWHERE, HIDING BEHIND BUSHES, ALWAYS WATCHING
BB: Go home, Marc.
It seems Marc Mero
isn't quite as much of an authority on the goings on
in the wrestling business as national journalist
think. Who would've thought. I decided to ask
another one of the expects contacted by the media in
the wake of the GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED murders, the
much more reliable Lance Storm.
Storm, why do you think Triple H recieves such
amazing opportunities in the WWE?
LANCE STORM: Well it's obviously ****************
Sorry, I don't know what he said after that cos I
fell asleep. Son of a bitch was just too fucking
OK so I couldn't get any sense out of
the people who know wrestling well, I thought I'd
ask a member of the IWC that hate Triple H so much,
TWF's own Joe Merrick.
BB: Mr. Merrick, what
is the deal with all the anti-Triple H feeling on
MERRICK: Yeah, he's hated more than like.. a
nigger! HAHAH get it, racism!
MERRICK: He's like as popular as muslim in
somewhere where muslims have recently committed
terrorists crimes cos muslims are terrorists!
BB: That's...kind of offensive...
MERRICK: Rape is funny. Get it?
MERRICK: LOSER! [runs off] [I say run, more of an
Not a very useful source, to
say the least. It seems I'm never going to know
exactly what the source
because he's married to the Stephanie McMahon and
people feel he exploits his connections to Vince to
get so many amazing chances.
Oh wow, there it
is. Now how the fuck did you get out of the bag?
HORNSWOGGLE: Please let me go, I have a family!
BB: Fuck you! I'm not running a fucking charity
here, you small bastard, now get back in the bag so
I can cross you off my list of things I've fixed.
Well that's all for this time,
check out my next Extreme Makeover where I'll
be...doing..something. I don't know, I just make
this shit up as I go along.
Send feedback to British
There's very little to say
about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender
officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's
probably already been said by one of the three
regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he
wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a
week of his life to recap the awfulness that is
Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss
Sean Carless is always on hand with a Prozac to take
away the pain.