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It has come to my attention, whilst scanning over 2007's Wresting Year Book (or the Fanny Awards to you) that this company could do with a bit of the old once over. Yes indeed, it has (as my grandmother used to say) gone to shit in a handbag. This is not a basic fixer upper I'm afraid, far from it, it's going to have to be drastic. We're talking a full on overhaul, and that is where I step in. I'm going to clean up this ridiculous charade of a family business, one step at a time. And I'll start (literally) at the bottom.

EXTREME MAKEOVER: WWE



EPISODE 1:
HORNSWOGGLE

The words 'complete and utter disgrace to humanity and all living things that inhabit the same planet' are thrown around a lot these days, but this I have to say is a complete and utter disgrace to humanity and all living things that inhabit the same planet. There's just so much that is wrong with this and I'm talking ethically, morally and pretty much every other kind of wrong. I decided to go to the very source of this problem, and talk to the man who brought Hornswoggle to the WWE in the first place, back when he was known as Little Bastard, Finlay.

BB: Mr. Finlay, could you please tell me what possessed you to bring this awful, casually racist insult to your own people into the WWE?
FINLAY: Wha?? You looks like a guy I yooshed to know...way back in the day...BUT NOW HE'S DEAD...THEY'RE ALL DEAD!
BB: I'm sorry, you don't seem to have answered my question...
FINLAY: They yooshed to call me...the Belfffaaast Bruiser, you know why that was? Do you, boy?
BB: Because you're from bel-
FINLAY: Because I was the besht wrestler in that whole feckin company...the besht!
BB: Are you referring to WCW?
FINLAY: DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT WCW! I'LL KILL YA, AND YOUR DAD! YOU OWE ME MONEY!

As you can see, it was not easy detracting sense from Mr. Finlay, so I decided to give up and leave him to his pipe, women and pint o'Guiness. I was, however, no closer to unravelling the mystery that is Hornswoggle's existence. Perhaps the best place to go for answers was Hornswoggles 'father' Vince McMahon, Jr.

BB: Mr. McMahon, on September 10th of the year 2007, the Irish midget Hornswoggle was announced as your son. May I ask, on behalf of many, what the fuck?
MCMAHON: Do you know who I am?
BB: You-
MCMAHON: I am Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and I have been in this business for longer than you've been on this planet. Every competitor to challenge me, I have ground into the dirt. I AM Sports Entertainment, I created the sport as we know it and I will not have my decisions questioned by the likes of you.
BB: Look Vi-
MCMAHON: Hulk Hogan - My idea. Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker, Triple H - ALL MY IDEA, none of this would have happened if it wasnt for me.
BB: I'm not denying your success but how can you justify having a midget dress up as a leprechaun even being in the company, let alone being part of a major storyline.
MCMAHON: That's entertainment, that's what the fans want to see!
BB: You don't...talk to a lot of fans do you.
MCMAHON: I dont need to, I know what they want. They want John Cena, and lots of him, they want Triple H as the champion and they want leprechauns!
BB: You've gone seriously wrong, you know that?
MCMAHON: ...yes.

From the lowliest crazed, drunken Irishman to the highest crazed, drunken Chairman I could get no answers as to how Hornswoggle came to be. I decided to take this to the man himself...Hornswoggle.

Statistics have shown that short people are angrier, sneakier and less physically attract to the opposite sex than people of an average height. Hornswoggle is very very short, and for this reason I was nervous of meeting him. I securely zipped up all the pockets containing my valuables, but on a stylish but effective crash helmet and entered his dressing room. His dressing room, incidentally, is the size of a normal dressing room which is absurd because it just makes him look even smaller.

BB: Hornswoggle, I don't want to sound abrupt but what is the purpose of your existence and did you ever think we might be better off if you got AIDS?
HORNSWOGGLE: I can obviously see how the IWC 'smarks' would find a character such as mine offensive, and does appear to be a step backwards. However, I feel as an entertainer that if the response from the wider fanbase (and you must take into account that the IWC makes up a very small margin of said fanbase) appreciate what I'm doing and find it entertaining there is no reason why I should not continue to entertain them as best I can.

Wow. A *textbook* example of how it's impossible to get any sense out of short people. Angry little bastard, had no time to listen to reason or intelligent argument.

OK, So I'll admit my attempt to Makeover this particular aspect of the WWE has been...disappointing. However, I remain confident that there is hope for this company, and my assault on the bad taste will not end here!

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There's very little to say about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably already been said by one of the three regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a week of his life to recap the awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with a Prozac to take away the pain.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).