The words 'complete and utter disgrace to humanity and all living things that inhabit the same planet' are thrown around a lot these days, but this I have to say is a complete and utter disgrace to humanity and all living things that inhabit the same planet. There's just so much that is wrong with this and I'm talking ethically, morally and pretty much every other kind of wrong. I decided to go to the very source of this problem, and talk to the man who brought Hornswoggle to the WWE in the first place, back when he was known as Little Bastard, Finlay.
BB: Mr. Finlay, could you please tell me what possessed you to bring this awful, casually racist insult to your own people into the WWE?
FINLAY: Wha?? You looks like a guy I yooshed to know...way back in the day...BUT NOW HE'S DEAD...THEY'RE ALL DEAD!
BB: I'm sorry, you don't seem to have answered my question...
FINLAY: They yooshed to call me...the Belfffaaast Bruiser, you know why that was? Do you, boy?
BB: Because you're from bel-
FINLAY: Because I was the besht wrestler in that whole feckin company...the besht!
BB: Are you referring to WCW?
FINLAY: DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT WCW! I'LL KILL YA, AND YOUR DAD! YOU OWE ME MONEY!
As you can see, it was not easy detracting sense from Mr. Finlay, so I decided to give up and leave him to his pipe, women and pint o'Guiness. I was, however, no closer to unravelling the mystery that is Hornswoggle's existence. Perhaps the best place to go for answers was Hornswoggles 'father' Vince McMahon, Jr.
BB: Mr. McMahon, on September 10th of the year 2007, the Irish midget Hornswoggle was announced as your son. May I ask, on behalf of many, what the fuck?
MCMAHON: Do you know who I am?
MCMAHON: I am Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and I have been in this business for longer than you've been on this planet. Every competitor to challenge me, I have ground into the dirt. I AM Sports Entertainment, I created the sport as we know it and I will not have my decisions questioned by the likes of you.
BB: Look Vi-
MCMAHON: Hulk Hogan - My idea. Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker, Triple H - ALL MY IDEA, none of this would have happened if it wasnt for me.
BB: I'm not denying your success but how can you justify having a midget dress up as a leprechaun even being in the company, let alone being part of a major storyline.
MCMAHON: That's entertainment, that's what the fans want to see!
BB: You don't...talk to a lot of fans do you.
MCMAHON: I dont need to, I know what they want. They want John Cena, and lots of him, they want Triple H as the champion and they want leprechauns!
BB: You've gone seriously wrong, you know that?
From the lowliest crazed, drunken Irishman to the highest crazed, drunken Chairman I could get no answers as to how Hornswoggle came to be. I decided to take this to the man himself...Hornswoggle.
Statistics have shown that short people are angrier, sneakier and less physically attract to the opposite sex than people of an average height. Hornswoggle is very very short, and for this reason I was nervous of meeting him. I securely zipped up all the pockets containing my valuables, but on a stylish but effective crash helmet and entered his dressing room. His dressing room, incidentally, is the size of a normal dressing room which is absurd because it just makes him look even smaller.
BB: Hornswoggle, I don't want to sound abrupt but what is the purpose of your existence and did you ever think we might be better off if you got AIDS?
HORNSWOGGLE: I can obviously see how the IWC 'smarks' would find a character such as mine offensive, and does appear to be a step backwards. However, I feel as an entertainer that if the response from the wider fanbase (and you must take into account that the IWC makes up a very small margin of said fanbase) appreciate what I'm doing and find it entertaining there is no reason why I should not continue to entertain them as best I can.
Wow. A *textbook* example of how it's impossible to get any sense out of short people. Angry little bastard, had no time to listen to reason or intelligent argument.
OK, So I'll admit my attempt to Makeover this particular aspect of the WWE has been...disappointing. However, I remain confident that there is hope for this company, and my assault on the bad taste will not end here!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).