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Hello there, fat internet wrestling fans, and welcome to another fun-packed* issue of The Hoss Whisperer. Despite last weeks debacle, I have elected to continue with my quest to give the WWE a much needed Makeover. So enough fooling around, lets get to the comedy.
 
*Exact amount of fun may vary.

 
EXTREME MAKEOVER: WWE
Episode 2:
Triple H.

There are many personalities in the world of professional wrestling who come under-fire from the obese, sweaty organism known was the Internet Wrestling Community. But none more so than the one known as Paul Levesque, who according to the IWC is pretty much the cause of everything that's ever gone wrong in the history of everything. This certainly, was an aspect of the industry that I needed to take a look into.

But who do you turn to when you want to start investigating this crazy business? Well I decided to follow in the footsteps of the American media after the GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED incident and ask Marc Mero. Because if anyone can give us an insight into how wrestling works today, it's him.

BB: Mr. Mero, as an authority on the wrestling business, why do you think Triple H gets so many chances in the WWE? Is there some sort of connection with himself and the McMahon family?
 
MERO: A connection with the McMahon family? Don't be ridiculous, you don't just hook up with the boss's daughter and get chances in the wrestling industry. Oh no, it's clear to me what's going on here. Steroids.
BB: Steroids?
 
MERO: Yes sir, Triple H gets so many chances because he, like literally billions of other professional wrestlers, spends 97% of his professional life purchasing or consuming anabolic steroids.
 
BB: That...doesn't make sense. How could steroids affect the opportunities he's given?
MERO: I could name you right now off the top of my head, the names of at least 72 wrestlers who have died in the past month because of steroid abuse. We must regulate the industry more strictly, or some of the more sinister side affects of steroids will manifest. For example, murder.
 
BB: You really don't have a clue what you're talking about, do you?
MERO: IT WAS THE STEROIDS I TELL YOU, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, HIDING BEHIND BUSHES, ALWAYS WATCHING ME!
 
BB: Go home, Marc.

It seems Marc Mero isn't quite as much of an authority on the goings on in the wrestling business as national journalist think. Who would've thought. I decided to ask another one of the expects contacted by the media in the wake of the GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED murders, the much more reliable Lance Storm.

BB: Mr. Storm, why do you think Triple H recieves such amazing opportunities in the WWE?
LANCE STORM: Well it's obviously ****************

Sorry, I don't know what he said after that cos I fell asleep. Son of a bitch was just too fucking boring.

OK so I couldn't get any sense out of the people who know wrestling well, I thought I'd ask a member of the IWC that hate Triple H so much, TWF's own Joe Merrick.

BB: Mr. Merrick, what is the deal with all the anti-Triple H feeling on the internet?
 
MERRICK: Yeah, he's hated more than like.. a nigger! HAHAH get it, racism!
BB: Yeah...heh...
 
MERRICK: He's like as popular as muslim in somewhere where muslims have recently committed terrorists crimes cos muslims are terrorists! HAHAHA!
BB: That's...kind of offensive...
 
MERRICK: Rape.
BB: What?
 
MERRICK: Rape is funny. Get it?
BB: No....
 
MERRICK: LOSER! [runs off] [I say run, more of an awkward shuffle]

Not a very useful source, to say the least. It seems I'm never going to know exactly what the source

HORNSWOGGLE: It's because he's married to the Stephanie McMahon and people feel he exploits his connections to Vince to get so many amazing chances.

Oh wow, there it is. Now how the fuck did you get out of the bag?

HORNSWOGGLE: Please let me go, I have a family!

BB: Fuck you! I'm not running a fucking charity here, you small bastard, now get back in the bag so I can cross you off my list of things I've fixed. Good boy.

Well that's all for this time, check out my next Extreme Makeover where I'll be...doing..something. I don't know, I just make this shit up as I go along.
 

Send feedback to British Bullfrog

There's very little to say about British Bullfrog that many a youth offender officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably already been said by one of the three regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a week of his life to recap the awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with a Prozac to take away the pain.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).