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Coming soon! The Hogans are just your average All-American family. Only with the inherent ability to absorb heavy punishment and pick up extremely heavy objects...


From the people who brought you The Osbournes, comes Hogan Knows Best! A real look at the day to day life, and pitfalls of the world’s most famous professional wrestler, and his family. Hogan Knows Best looks at the Hogans home life, from the perspective of the stark raving Hulkster himself; from his nagging wife, Linda, badgering The Hulkster to do more around the house:
Linda: " If you can bodyslam a 700 pound Giant, surely you cantake the garbageout!"
Hulk: "Get off my barn door back, Linda!"
From there, enter his two teenage children, Brooke, 16; who the overprotective Hulk refuses to let date, mostly due to her natural biological inclination to rip her shirt off; all the way to Nasty Nick,14, who despite his best intentions, possesses an all too trusting nature that leads to many of his friends inexplicably turning on him…
Each week, we’ll get a window into the life of the Hulkster, as he deals with a slew of everyday problems, from paying his bills, to slamming morbidly obese people. This summer, be sure to tune into the ONLY reality programming that matters, Hogan Knows Best!
Episode 1: “Brooke of Love”- Part 1: Brooke's date with pop star boyfriend Aaron Carter goes awry when the young man gets too frisky, causing the Hulkster to go berserk.
What we can expect: After what is seemingly a wholesome evening, the two lovebirds exchange an extremely awkward handshake, as a strange voice is heard yelling out: “The Madness meets the Mania!” From there, Aaron decides to go for second base, attempting to grope Brooke, who in turn blocks the three consecutive advances, then punches Aaron several times, before having him run face first into her foot and dropping the leg. Hulk, who was listening from the bushes (hand no doubt cupped to ear) hears of Aaron’s randiness (not Savage) and goes insane, chasing after Aaron’s speeding Porsche and leaping onto the hood! Aaron is then unfortunately caught, bodyslammed, and killed.


Episode 2: Brooke of Love Part 2: Distraught over the fact that her boyfriend Aaron was destroyed by the incredibly stiff offense of the Hulkster; she is unfortunately now left without a prom date as the big day approaches. And if this isn’t bad enough, she wakes up the morning of the big event with a giant semi-circle of scalp where her long blond locks used to be! Hulk then gently explains to her that male pattern baldness is nothing to be ashamed of. Ultimately, Hulk arranges for Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs to be her date that evening, and hilarity ensues as he rubs Brooke’s face into his ample armpit while attempting to attach her corsage.


Episode 3- Hulk’s Giant Cock!: Hulk's pet rooster downs anabolic steroids, transforming it into an unrelenting monster, and terrifying the quaint Florida neighborhood.
What we can expect: Tragedy strikes when The Hogan family’s beloved pet rooster devours a cocktail of Hulkster-sized anabolics, causing the now 8 foot cock to become as radio-active as the Hulkster himself!
After Hulk pleads with the monstrous chicken to come to its senses, Hulk unfortunately makes the hard choice to take him down after the rooster tears off Hulk’s shirt and crucifix in the ultimate act of betrayal! One scoop slam and leg droppage later, all is right with the family again, as they cope with the loss by enjoying a nice chicken dinner (for the next 400 consecutive days.).
Episode 4: In Hulk We Trust:An exasperated President Bush turns the reigns of Presidency over to The Hulkster, who in turn ends the war in the gulf by airing his match with Sgt. Slaughter, as terrified Iraqi’s immediately surrender, praying to Allah that they too don’t suffer a similar fate.
What we can expect: Hulk, shocks the country by painting the white house “red and yellow” before explaining his controversial actions in a press conference. Hogan is also grilled on the tough issues, including abortion, social security, and even euthanasia, confusing the crowd with his explanation of the latter topic: "Why should I limit myself to just the youths in Asia, man? Hulkamania knows no bounds, dude! The Little Hulksters are EVERYWHERE, man!"
Episode 5: Red & Yellow Versus Red & Evil: Nasty Nick unwittingly opens a Hellgate in the Hogans backyard, forcing The Hulkster to journey to the underbelly of Hell and face all the forces of darkness and despair!


What we can expect:Nasty Nick curiously plays the song "I want to be a Hulkamaniac" backwards, which unfortunately opens an inter-dimensional portal, and starts an unholy war between Hell and Earth! Hulk eventually takes matters into his own hands, journeying into the pits of Hell itself and dispatching Satan with the unstoppable Hulk Hogan offense! (Special cameo by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who poses with Hulk after the battle of Armageddon)
Rumored Future Episodes:


Hulk battles the Tsunami: Hogan is brought into deal with the Tsunami disaster based on his uncanny past successes against natural disasters (Earthquake & Typhoon respectively.) After much struggle, (and after prophesying it at Wrestlemania 4) Hulk carries many victims to safety aboard his “barn door back.”
Hell in a Blood Cell: After years of injecting himself with God knows what, it’s Hulk himself who gets injected into the body of a cancer patient after being shrunk down to microscopic proportions, in an attempt to annihilate the bad cells from the inside out, and destroy the disease forever.
It’s a race against the clock, as the Hogans begin to panic at the prospect of the Hulkster returning to full size and in essence blowing up the patient (much like the Hulk himself after the 20 minute mark.)Ultimately though, the AWESOME power of HULKAMANIA…and additional chemo…. get the job done!
Check your local listings and stay tuned to VH1 for more HOGAN KNOWS BEST!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).