They broke the
mold after they made Triple H. Although, some would
argue that they broke it while. But hey, whatever.
Truth is, no matter what you think of Hunter, you
cannot deny that he's accomplished almost every goal
he's ever set for himself.
He became a
world class bodybuilder.
through the ranks of professional wrestling--
perhaps becoming the greatest Heel in WWF history.
made love to a hermaphrodite for 3 years then sloppily
passed it off to his friend Sean Waltman when no one was
He married the
boss’s daughter. A feat that not only guaranteed
himself an unending push so long as he stays
faithful and keeps his “game” in Stephanie’s “box”;
but let’s face it, probably some sweet Christmas
gifts, too. Presents shaped like Championship belts.
And not just on Xmas. Lucky bastard. (except for
that whole transgender dating thing. Come on, dude).
However, now, only one goal stands is Triple H’s way. And that is
creating an HHHeir to Vince’s throne (despite what poor Shane
McMahon’s children might think). You see, despite his mentor Ric
Flair obviously knowing the secret to ever lasting life, Hunter knew
that one day he himself would leave this mortal coil, as the awesome
power of the Pedigree can only hold off the Reaper for so long. And
with that said, Hunter required a suitable replacement, created in
his own image, so that his legacy will live on forever. (or until
Titan shareholders smarten up. Either/or).
It is said that creating this H 2.0 has became a personal obsession for
the Game, and in attempting to accomplish this goal, HHH spent millions
on a state of the art cloning facility, capable of churning out
literally dozens of identical musclemen at a time. They called it “OVW”.
Ultimately, though, despite the fact that physically, they resembled the
6’5” muscle bound prototype, they sadly lacked a soul….or Charisma to
you and me. And despite the fact that each clone possessed an uncanny
version of the spine buster, the lack of any and all human personality
madethe experiment afailure.
But all was not lost! There was ANOTHER way.
Instead of devising clever ways to clone himself
with complicated DNA manipulation and in turn cost
the company potential millions, he could simply HAVE
SEX WITH HIS WIFE…and as a result save the
shareholder’s hard earned money for proven financial
successes like RAW Diva Search 3 and a renegotiated
Mark Henry contract. It really was that simple. And
I’m sure many of you are asking “Why couldn’t he have just impregnated Stephanie
all along, instead of bending God’s laws to create
an unholy spawn of himself from his muddled DNA?"
The answer is simple. Triple H was unaware that he
could even have children. After all, he had made
love to Chyna for YEARS…and all without protection
(Well, Billy Gunn & Road Dogg were always on hand to
watch HHH’s back, but you get the idea) and not once
did Chyna EVER even show any signs of being with
child. Triple H always blamed himself, and not the
obvious fact that Chyna possessed no discernable
Female organs. But hey, live and learn, right?
Rome WWE was not built destroyed in one day after all.
In any event, news had finally came down the
wire. HHH’s boys could swim! He was going to be
a Daddy! Many were happy for the young couple,
while other’s chose to brush up on their
Revelations, and keep an eye out for the moon
turning red, and the Ocean’s to blood. "The Guff is full! It really is the end!"
they were heard yelling. But I don’t fall into
that category. I truly wish the couple well. And
while I’d laugh if Steph ultimately gave birth
to a hand (that no doubt could probably pen
better storylines) or Dr. Heiney was on hand to
pull JR’s head from her love hole, I truly wish
the expecting parents the best.
But wait. There’s more. I know that Steph has
only been preggers for a month, and to speculate
on her full term would be unprofessional, but
hey, this is The Wrestlingfan.com! We have no
credibility. So there.
So, with that in mind, I’m going to channel my
inner Nostradamus and speculate on a few aspects
of this pregnancy in the *ahem*
tasteful manner in which you’re accustomed too.
All is dark. Not a sound can be heard (bar a
faint murmur that sounds like “Get off me
Hunter, I need a sandwich!"). When all of
sudden, millions of angry handle-bar mustachioed
sperm are released in unison. They swim fast and
ferocious, and luckily, thanks to *certain*
foreign hormones in his body, the trip is a lot
shorter than expected. BOOM. Suddenly, the many
H’s find themselves in a huge cavernous room.
Their ultimate goal now is to get to that egg
and by gawd, fertilize it… and if possible, bury
a few pesky defensive blood cells along the way;
because after all, they’re HHH’s sperm, damn it!
Even protectors against foreign antibodies can’t
be allowed to get over on his watch!
However, before they can proceed, they hear
something startling in the distance….
Just then, Ric Flair’s sperm approaches, only
stopping briefly to quickly slick back his
gelatinous hair, and to give off another
HHH’s sperm: “Naitch’s sperm, what the hell are you doing in
Ric Flair sperm: “Woo! I follow you everywhere, champ! So why not
the birth canal too?! Wooooooooooooooo!”
-Before HHH sperm can respond, he sees HBK’s
sperm, on its knees giving thanks to its maker
HBK sperm: “Hey, I know what you’re thinking! But it was
just one time, Hunter. We both got into the
communion wine, and one thing lead to another”….
-At this point, a quick below of “You think
you know me?” is heard.
Edge's sperm:"It's me! Mr. Money in the Bank!.... The SPERM
Bank!" (uncomfortable silence follows).
HHH sperm: “OK. This, I expected.”
-Edge’s sperm’s enthusiasm dies out quickly at
that, and just lowers its head in shame.
HHH sperm: “Ok, who else is in here?”
*a chord of “No Chance” is heard…
HHH sperm: “Dear Lord! Dad! Why?”
Vince sperm: “My money paid for her body damn it. I’d be doing
my pocket book an injustice if I didn’t at least
take it for a test drive.”
-Just then, a guitar wale is heard. A sperm
slowly swims up, complete with sunglasses.
Bret sperm: “Everybody inside this vulva screwed me!... so I
returned the favor! Besides, Bret likes ‘em a
little bulky. Did I mention I’m a hero in
HHH sperm: “ENOUGH! There’s only room for ten million of us
in here. Something has to give!”
At this point, a full on vaginal Royal Rumble
breaks out! Last sperm standing! (swimming?). HHH sperm ultimately triumphs,
and fertilizes the egg due to having taped a
sledgehammer to one of Stephanie’s ovaries the
last time he had visited. The
C erebral Seminal Assassin strikes again!
End result!: PREGGERS! And all it took was Triple
H lying on his back for more than two seconds.
(Something unheard of months ago).
By now, we’ve all heard the rumors that HHH has
purchased a deluxe bus for him and the mother to
be to ride around in from town to town in
comfort. (after all, without Steph on hand, a
good idea might slip out in Creative, and who’d
be there to quash it?). What you DID NOT hear
however is that the bus in question has a WWE
HISTORY. You see, the bus in question is in fact
the LEX EXPRESS! The very same vehicle used by
Lex Luger in an attempt to woo all our hearts by
body slamming morbidly obese Samoans across the
nation. Lex was said to give Hunter a good price
on the bus, and as a result, is now only a few
thousand dollars away from springing bail. Go
In any event, to get the re-dubbed "Steph
Express" in proper working order, HHH had to
make a few modifications, not limited to the
bus’s phone, which strangely possessed no way of
dialing “911”. Oh that Luger.
As the months passed, Stephanie noticed that her
already seemingly gravity defying breasts were
growing to epic proportions. And while this
pleased Vince greatly, it became somewhat of a
burden to Stephanie. As a result, both Christie
Hemme and Dawn Marie were briefly brought back
to support the cumbersome melons on their backs,
to allow Steph mobility. And when this didn’t
work, (and after both women were re-fired),
Hunter & Vince had another idea: WWE DAIRY! With
this, Vince added to his already huge profits
(including the now 365 pay-per-views that year)
by buying out Nielsen’s, and directly tapping
Stephanie as a dairy source! Soon, dozens of
trucks would be pulling out of Stamford daily,
filled to the brim; and as a result, Stephanie
became the largest exporter of milk in the
country. On a related note, Kurt Angle was said
to spend a considerable amount of time at the
The big day was finally here! Hunter was pacing
in the waiting room, along with the entire WWE
midcard, who were there to lay down three
seconds each for Hunter Jr. as a good will
gesture. (All but Gene Snitsky who was released
months before for obvious reasons…).
The Doctor then calls Hunter into the delivery
room. Ric Flair follows closely behind, as does
All in all, it’s a difficult delivery. At one
point, Hunter is reprimanded by the doctors for
wearing just trunks and boots in the
normally sterile hospital room. Vince then
begins giving play by play every time a
contraction takes place; “What a maneuver!” he yells. From there,
Flair, getting increasingly hyper starts going
berserk, dropping elbows on the forceps, and at
the sign of Hunter Jr’s crowning head, bellowed
out : “Now we go to school!”. It’s at
this point, that Hunter calls Lemmy and
Motorhead into the delivery room, and they are
ordered to play a live version of “The Game” as
baby Hunter is pulled from the womb! As a cry is
heard, HHH excitedly grabs the first bottle he
sees, and takes a slug off it, and proceeds to
spray it into the air. Unfortunately though, it
turns out it was epidural anesthesia and Hunter
soon hits the floor paralyzed.
He is eventually awoken to Stephanie holding a
strangely misshapen object.
Stephanie: “He’s the spitting image of his father!”
Just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Mrs. Levesque, that’s the Afterbirth. Here’s
your actual son”.
Regardless, the couple was elated. They now had a
healthy baby boy with little to no complications
(there was a brief scare that Stephanie would
require a cesarean, when the sledgehammer and 10
pound belt the fetus was wearing got caught on
the way out). All was right with the world!
HHH was the happiest man on Earth. So much so,
that he ran out to the waiting room, and
informed the midcard of his bundle of joy,
before giving them a pass on jobbing to the
newborn infant. A collective sigh of relief was
heard, before Hunter stated “But don’t worry guys. You didn’t come here for
nothing. I’ll be out to pin you all after I
check on my son!” The boys just hung their
With that said, Hunter peered through the glass
window as Hunter Jr. lay snug in his crib with
the other children. Hunter got a smile on his
face, as his newborn son had the resolve to turn
over on his own accord and cover a neighboring
child for a symbolic three count.
“That’s my boy!”
Hunter cried out.
As much as Hunter would love to be a
“stay-at-home-dad”, those elusive 17 World
Titles just don’t win themselves!... so the
responsibility of helping raise the prodigal son
falls to many in the locker room. Ric Flair is
first on tap, who was said to gleefully be
looking forward to kissing a new generation of
ass (and in turn powdering it, to prevent diaper
chafing). And who better than Ric to fetch a
bottle?... after all, he had done the same for
Arn Anderson for YEARS. (Of course, that was
usually Thunderbird, but you get the idea).
Anyway, all was well for a while, but
eventually Flair was removed as chief
babysitter, when during a routine diaper change,
he grabbed the toddler’s leg and began going
into his insane jig, before attempting to wrap
the youngster’s pudgy legs into a figure four.
Next up was former Evolution member, Batista,
who lasted all of one day when a piggy back
ride went awry, after Dave
instinctually dropped backwards.
With everyone faltering at the task of
young Hunter’s care, Triple H now had no choice
but to have a special baby harness made so he
could continue to wrestle. And as a result,
Hunter Sr. & Jr. respectfully, were declared the
first co-WWE Champion’s ever when they defeated
John Cena at Wrestle Mania 23. Hey, you couldn’t
make this stuff up!
Well, that’s that. Clearly, there are so many
great memories for the Helmsleys to look forward
to. And no doubt WWE cameras will be right there
to catch them all. From Hunter Jr’s first
childhood girlfriend (likely introduced to him
by Jerry Lawler), to his eventual Student
council Presidency (rumored to be on the account
of dating the Principal’s daughter) to his at
least 17 inherited World Titles; it should be an
interesting journey. And one day, HE in turn
will procreate and so the cycle will continue.
So, here’s to RVD’s frozen Futurama-like head
putting over “Hunter Vince McMahon Lévesque” at
Wrestlemania 96! (with Ric Flair of course in