Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
 

They broke the mold after they made Triple H. Although, some would argue that they broke it while. But hey, whatever.
Truth is, no matter what you think of Hunter, you cannot deny that he's accomplished almost every goal he's ever set for himself.
 
He became a world class bodybuilder.
 
He rose through the ranks of professional wrestling-- perhaps becoming the greatest Heel in WWF history.
 
He made love to a hermaphrodite for 3 years then sloppily passed it off to his friend Sean Waltman when no one was looking.(BRONCO-BUSTED!).
 
He married the boss’s daughter. A feat that not only guaranteed himself an unending push so long as he stays faithful and keeps his “game” in Stephanie’s “box”; but let’s face it, probably some sweet Christmas gifts, too. Presents shaped like Championship belts. And not just on Xmas. Lucky bastard. (except for that whole transgender dating thing. Come on, dude).

However, now, only one goal stands is Triple H’s way. And that is creating an HHHeir to Vince’s throne (despite what poor Shane McMahon’s children might think). You see, despite his mentor Ric Flair obviously knowing the secret to ever lasting life, Hunter knew that one day he himself would leave this mortal coil, as the awesome power of the Pedigree can only hold off the Reaper for so long. And with that said, Hunter required a suitable replacement, created in his own image, so that his legacy will live on forever. (or until Titan shareholders smarten up. Either/or).

It is said that creating this H 2.0 has became a personal obsession for the Game, and in attempting to accomplish this goal, HHH spent millions on a state of the art cloning facility, capable of churning out literally dozens of identical musclemen at a time. They called it “OVW”. Ultimately, though, despite the fact that physically, they resembled the 6’5” muscle bound prototype, they sadly lacked a soul….or Charisma to you and me. And despite the fact that each clone possessed an uncanny version of the spine buster, the lack of any and all human personality madethe experiment afailure.

But all was not lost! There was ANOTHER way. Instead of devising clever ways to clone himself with complicated DNA manipulation and in turn cost the company potential millions, he could simply HAVE SEX WITH HIS WIFE…and as a result save the shareholder’s hard earned money for proven financial successes like RAW Diva Search 3 and a renegotiated Mark Henry contract. It really was that simple. And I’m sure many of you are asking “Why couldn’t he have just impregnated Stephanie all along, instead of bending God’s laws to create an unholy spawn of himself from his muddled DNA?" The answer is simple. Triple H was unaware that he could even have children. After all, he had made love to Chyna for YEARS…and all without protection (Well, Billy Gunn & Road Dogg were always on hand to watch HHH’s back, but you get the idea) and not once did Chyna EVER even show any signs of being with child. Triple H always blamed himself, and not the obvious fact that Chyna possessed no discernable Female organs. But hey, live and learn, right? Rome WWE was not built destroyed in one day after all.

In any event, news had finally came down the wire. HHH’s boys could swim! He was going to be a Daddy! Many were happy for the young couple, while other’s chose to brush up on their Revelations, and keep an eye out for the moon turning red, and the Ocean’s to blood. "The Guff is full! It really is the end!" they were heard yelling. But I don’t fall into that category. I truly wish the couple well. And while I’d laugh if Steph ultimately gave birth to a hand (that no doubt could probably pen better storylines) or Dr. Heiney was on hand to pull JR’s head from her love hole, I truly wish the expecting parents the best.

But wait. There’s more. I know that Steph has only been preggers for a month, and to speculate on her full term would be unprofessional, but hey, this is The Wrestlingfan.com! We have no credibility. So there.

So, with that in mind, I’m going to channel my inner Nostradamus and speculate on a few aspects of this pregnancy in the *ahem* tasteful manner in which you’re accustomed too.

COPULATION!

All is dark. Not a sound can be heard (bar a faint murmur that sounds like “Get off me Hunter, I need a sandwich!"). When all of sudden, millions of angry handle-bar mustachioed sperm are released in unison. They swim fast and ferocious, and luckily, thanks to *certain* foreign hormones in his body, the trip is a lot shorter than expected. BOOM. Suddenly, the many H’s find themselves in a huge cavernous room. Their ultimate goal now is to get to that egg and by gawd, fertilize it… and if possible, bury a few pesky defensive blood cells along the way; because after all, they’re HHH’s sperm, damn it! Even protectors against foreign antibodies can’t be allowed to get over on his watch!

However, before they can proceed, they hear something startling in the distance….

 “Wooooooooooo!”

Just then, Ric Flair’s sperm approaches, only stopping briefly to quickly slick back his gelatinous hair, and to give off another “Wooooooooooooo!”

HHH’s sperm: “Naitch’s sperm, what the hell are you doing in my wife?”

Ric Flair sperm: “Woo! I follow you everywhere, champ! So why not the birth canal too?! Wooooooooooooooo!”

-Before HHH sperm can respond, he sees HBK’s sperm, on its knees giving thanks to its maker (the testicles).

HBK sperm: “Hey, I know what you’re thinking! But it was just one time, Hunter. We both got into the communion wine, and one thing lead to another”….

-At this point, a quick below of “You think you know me?” is heard.
 
Edge's sperm:"It's me! Mr. Money in the Bank!.... The SPERM Bank!" (uncomfortable silence follows).

HHH sperm: “OK. This, I expected.”

-Edge’s sperm’s enthusiasm dies out quickly at that, and just lowers its head in shame.

HHH sperm: “Ok, who else is in here?”

*a chord of “No Chance” is heard…

HHH sperm: “Dear Lord! Dad! Why?”

Vince sperm: “My money paid for her body damn it. I’d be doing my pocket book an injustice if I didn’t at least take it for a test drive.”

-Just then, a guitar wale is heard. A sperm slowly swims up, complete with sunglasses.

Bret sperm: “Everybody inside this vulva screwed me!... so I returned the favor! Besides, Bret likes ‘em a little bulky. Did I mention I’m a hero in Canada?”

HHH sperm: “ENOUGH! There’s only room for ten million of us in here. Something has to give!”

At this point, a full on vaginal Royal Rumble breaks out! Last sperm standing! (swimming?). HHH sperm ultimately triumphs, and fertilizes the egg due to having taped a sledgehammer to one of Stephanie’s ovaries the last time he had visited. The Cerebral Seminal Assassin strikes again!

End result!: PREGGERS! And all it took was Triple H lying on his back for more than two seconds. (Something unheard of months ago).

THE TERM!

By now, we’ve all heard the rumors that HHH has purchased a deluxe bus for him and the mother to be to ride around in from town to town in comfort. (after all, without Steph on hand, a good idea might slip out in Creative, and who’d be there to quash it?). What you DID NOT hear however is that the bus in question has a WWE HISTORY. You see, the bus in question is in fact the LEX EXPRESS! The very same vehicle used by Lex Luger in an attempt to woo all our hearts by body slamming morbidly obese Samoans across the nation. Lex was said to give Hunter a good price on the bus, and as a result, is now only a few thousand dollars away from springing bail. Go Lex!

In any event, to get the re-dubbed "Steph Express" in proper working order, HHH had to make a few modifications, not limited to the bus’s phone, which strangely possessed no way of dialing “911”. Oh that Luger.

As the months passed, Stephanie noticed that her already seemingly gravity defying breasts were growing to epic proportions. And while this pleased Vince greatly, it became somewhat of a burden to Stephanie. As a result, both Christie Hemme and Dawn Marie were briefly brought back to support the cumbersome melons on their backs, to allow Steph mobility. And when this didn’t work, (and after both women were re-fired), Hunter & Vince had another idea: WWE DAIRY! With this, Vince added to his already huge profits (including the now 365 pay-per-views that year) by buying out Nielsen’s, and directly tapping Stephanie as a dairy source! Soon, dozens of trucks would be pulling out of Stamford daily, filled to the brim; and as a result, Stephanie became the largest exporter of milk in the country. On a related note, Kurt Angle was said to spend a considerable amount of time at the Helmsley household.

The Birth!

The big day was finally here! Hunter was pacing in the waiting room, along with the entire WWE midcard, who were there to lay down three seconds each for Hunter Jr. as a good will gesture. (All but Gene Snitsky who was released months before for obvious reasons…).

The Doctor then calls Hunter into the delivery room. Ric Flair follows closely behind, as does Vince.

All in all, it’s a difficult delivery. At one point, Hunter is reprimanded by the doctors for wearing just trunks and boots in the normally sterile hospital room. Vince then begins giving play by play every time a contraction takes place; “What a maneuver!” he yells. From there, Flair, getting increasingly hyper starts going berserk, dropping elbows on the forceps, and at the sign of Hunter Jr’s crowning head, bellowed out : “Now we go to school!”. It’s at this point, that Hunter calls Lemmy and Motorhead into the delivery room, and they are ordered to play a live version of “The Game” as baby Hunter is pulled from the womb! As a cry is heard, HHH excitedly grabs the first bottle he sees, and takes a slug off it, and proceeds to spray it into the air. Unfortunately though, it turns out it was epidural anesthesia and Hunter soon hits the floor paralyzed.

He is eventually awoken to Stephanie holding a strangely misshapen object.

Stephanie: “He’s the spitting image of his father!”

Just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Mrs. Levesque, that’s the Afterbirth. Here’s your actual son”.

Regardless, the couple was elated. They now had a healthy baby boy with little to no complications (there was a brief scare that Stephanie would require a cesarean, when the sledgehammer and 10 pound belt the fetus was wearing got caught on the way out). All was right with the world!

HHH was the happiest man on Earth. So much so, that he ran out to the waiting room, and informed the midcard of his bundle of joy, before giving them a pass on jobbing to the newborn infant. A collective sigh of relief was heard, before Hunter stated “But don’t worry guys. You didn’t come here for nothing. I’ll be out to pin you all after I check on my son!” The boys just hung their heads.

With that said, Hunter peered through the glass window as Hunter Jr. lay snug in his crib with the other children. Hunter got a smile on his face, as his newborn son had the resolve to turn over on his own accord and cover a neighboring child for a symbolic three count.

“That’s my boy!” Hunter cried out.

The Aftermath!

As much as Hunter would love to be a “stay-at-home-dad”, those elusive 17 World Titles just don’t win themselves!... so the responsibility of helping raise the prodigal son falls to many in the locker room. Ric Flair is first on tap, who was said to gleefully be looking forward to kissing a new generation of ass (and in turn powdering it, to prevent diaper chafing). And who better than Ric to fetch a bottle?... after all, he had done the same for Arn Anderson for YEARS. (Of course, that was usually Thunderbird, but you get the idea).

Anyway, all was well for a while, but eventually Flair was removed as chief babysitter, when during a routine diaper change, he grabbed the toddler’s leg and began going into his insane jig, before attempting to wrap the youngster’s pudgy legs into a figure four. Next up was former Evolution member, Batista, who lasted all of one day when a piggy back ride went awry, after Dave instinctually dropped backwards.

With everyone faltering at the task of young Hunter’s care, Triple H now had no choice but to have a special baby harness made so he could continue to wrestle. And as a result, Hunter Sr. & Jr. respectfully, were declared the first co-WWE Champion’s ever when they defeated John Cena at Wrestle Mania 23. Hey, you couldn’t make this stuff up!

Well, that’s that. Clearly, there are so many great memories for the Helmsleys to look forward to. And no doubt WWE cameras will be right there to catch them all. From Hunter Jr’s first childhood girlfriend (likely introduced to him by Jerry Lawler), to his eventual Student council Presidency (rumored to be on the account of dating the Principal’s daughter) to his at least 17 inherited World Titles; it should be an interesting journey. And one day, HE in turn will procreate and so the cycle will continue. So, here’s to RVD’s frozen Futurama-like head putting over “Hunter Vince McMahon LÚvesque” at Wrestlemania 96! (with Ric Flair of course in his corner).

'Til then.
Happy Birthing!
 
I’m Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).