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Sean Carless


Although Hulk Hogan has spent the better part of a quarter century in the limelight as arguably the most well known professional wrestler ever, little was actually known about the 6 time WWE champion himself, other than his aforementioned exploits in the squared circle. Well, that was until recently that is. You see, fans of the Hulkster now had the answers they craved direct from the horse's mouth so to speak, when Hogan released his much ballyhooed autobiography.

Although this pleased a legion of Hulkamaniacs the World over, there was still nay-sayers who criticized the literary work, even accusing Hulk of fabricating certain events and facts in an effort , they say, to glorify himself and place his historical impact in a better light.

What was notknown about the book ( except by a select group of scholars and scientists) is that the novel was purposely incomplete. You see, much like the New Testament, certain "gospels" in the book of Hogan were removed to present a story the way the Editor, in this case, wanted it told. Only recently were these "lost chapters" discovered, and according to these scholars, the information contained in these documents place Hulk Hogan, as we know him, in a surprising new light.

After spending the better part of a year and a half meticulously studying the text and mutually agreeing on their validity, these same scholars have recently released several chapters of the Hulk Hogan tale to the masses (although certain parties are said to down-play its written significance) and the conclusion that these"experts" have come to, is that Hulk Hogan as we know him today is a far more complex creature than ever thought. Tests, coupled with recent carbon dating of a shredded Hogan T-shirt said to contain a significant amount of Hogan's DNA, have allegedly revealed The Hulkster to be somewhere in the vicinity of one million years of age! < /font>

While this revelation boggles the mind, the sceptics, no doubt, would state that no HUMAN BEING could advance to such a substantial age. However, the explanation being given is that Hogan for lack of a better term, is hardly a "Man",  but rather an entity that at least at this point, is all but unexplainable to our fragile human psyches.

The Irony as it turns out , is that when Vince McMahon proclaimed Hulk Hogan to be "Immortal" in 1990,  he didn't know just how close to the actual truth he was.!

It has also been leaked that certain deciphered text in the vaunted Dead Sea scrolls are said to speak of certain events that seem to correspond with the writing in Hogan's books and it is this combined with the scientific and genetic test results, that these experts have deemed the following to be factually accurate:

The following is several excerpts from the lost Gospel of Hulkamania:

In the Beginning....

In the beginning, God created the heavens and Earth. On the 6th day God created MAN. Although he was no ordinary man. Although said to be made in God's image, the first man was created seemingly out of granite, and in all likelihood, his arms were the largest in the World (although at this point, there was only ONE man in the World). This "Hulking" brute also possessed what is said to be flowing Blond locks. History has given him the name "Adam" , but it is said that The Lord himself called him by the name "Terry", as a general term of affection.

Terry was said to love all living things and marveled at what was all around him, being particularly infatuated with the sun, for which he spent countless hours staring at. Terry was soon completely consumed by this activity and was both shocked and pleased when he skin began to change in tone, going from a subtle white to a bright orange. This pleased Terry greatly.

Soon Terry grew lonely, and asked God for a mate. God said he had someone in mind for Terry and in anticipation, he bellowed to God: "Whatcha gonna do, Brother.?!"

God then removed one of Hogan's ribs and created "woman" from it. It is said that the rib was never replaced, leaving Hogan somewhat vulnerable and susceptible to attack in later years (King Kong Bundy would be the first to capitalize on this "achilles heel").

Terry who by this point was referring to himself as "Hulk", was said to be pleased with his mate, who historians have labeled with the name "Eve". The two were seemingly inseparable. It was soon after that the couple was said to be tempted by a serpent (although in later years he would take human form as a 5'8" Bostonian and answer to the name "Kevin"). The Bible has painted a picture of "Adam" (Terry) and Eve succumbing to the serpent's urgings and eating from the tree of knowledge (or as the serpent described: "Tree of Woe"). In reality this was but a parable, and upon temptation, Terry balked at the serpent and proceeded to thrash the beast, citing that "There's only room for one 24 inch Python around here, brother!"  But, instead of discarding the beast's corpse altogether, he soon began wearing it as a garment around his neck, coining the term "Boa".

God then asked why Terry had killed when he had distinctly told him : "No way, dude". Terry seemed defiant, and claimed that Hulkamania, not the Lord, was "the most powerful force in the universe". God was saddened by Terry's arrogance and subsequently booted "Hulk" and his bride from the Garden of Eden, citing that he couldn't in good concience just let "Hulkamania" run wild.

Hulk was thrust into the World, and he soon became aware of his nakedness and covered his "shame" in a bright yellow loin cloth. Also as a symbol of God's anger, The Lord stripped Hulk of his flowing locks taking 2/3 of his mane as a symbol of his disappointment, and leaving Terry's sizeable noggin bare of it's once flowing pelt.

It is at this point that the Bible and Hulk seem to part ways temporarily. Hogan would later  make several unknown cameos , said to be also axed from the Old Testament. The most significant being the story of Moses. Moses and Terry were said to be rivals, and after one night that saw Moses being beaten by three men, Moses' bride ran into the camp and pulled The Hulkster from his slumber and begged for his help. As things seemed most bleak for Moses, Hulk exploded and evened the score. The old rivals cleaned house and then looked to come to blows with one another, however, the two briefly paused, looked around, then reluctantly shook hands, forming a Powerful force of "Mega" proportions.

As Moses led the Jews from Egypt, Hulk was in tow, helping many bewildered people cross the parted Red Sea by carrying the lot on what they described as "his barn-door back".

After wandering the desert for an excessive amount of time, Moses finally ascended Mount Sinai for word from God and to receive his Law. Hogan with nothing better to do, soon followed suit. Hogan eventually grew restless, and instead of waiting for God, he decided to fashion his own tablets and proceeded to come back down the mountain, preaching to the people of the "4 Commandments" The people stood in awe as Hulk stated the commandments of Training, saying your prayers and taking your vitamins. However, before he could get to the part about "believing in yourself" Moses returned with the real commandments. He became enraged as the people in his absence were worshipping a "Golden Idol" that turns out was not a calf, but the Hulkster himself!

Hulk and and Moses then went their separate ways, with Hogan insisting that he was really "putting over" Moses all along. This is the last Hogan speaks of this time.

Other Lost Chapters:

Discovering America....

Unknown to most, Hulk was actually a part of the crew of sailors who accompanied Christopher Columbus to the "new World" in 1492. History has now discovered that Hulk himself was actually the first to step on U.S. soil as Columbus was believed to be sickened that day by a combination of sour ale and bad mussels. Hulk donned Colombus' uniform and lead his men ashore. It was said at this point that Hogan began his love affair with America. Hogan seflessly allowed Columbus to take credit, although he stated that he would want his "job" returned one day...

Hulk Defeats the Third Reich....

When The U.S. Joined the War effort after the fateful Pear Harbour assault, the Alliance unloaded their new weapon of mass destruction: Hulk Hogan, code named "H-Bomb" on an unsuspecting Hiroshima, leveling the city by releasing an airborne Hulkster, who proceeded to devastate the Metropolis with a thunderous Legdrop.

Hulk was also one of the few survivors on the Beaches of Normandy, where he was said to "no-sell" heavy mortar assaults. The German soldiers, baffled, cried out: "I could of sworn that would've finished him!" "How is he getting up!?"

Hogan's final charge came in 1945 when he along with the Russians (marking the only time the star-spangled Hulkster EVER worked with the Reds) stormed Hitler's bunker manhandling Adolf before delivering a high-boot that was said to dislodge the Fuehrer's head from his shoulders, killing him instantly. 

Hulk Walks On The  Moon...

In 1969, The U.S. deplored their Astronauts into the cold reaches of Space with hopes of landing on the Moon itself. What is not common knowledge however, is that the Hulkster was aboard the vessel, as his skin after years of prolonged exposure to the sun, allowed him to wear substantially less gear than the average Astronaut, in turn saving the Government millions in the process.

Neil Armstrong, whom had seniority, was all set to exit the craft when Hogan accidentally knocked him unconscious with the module door. Hogan then officially stepped foot on the moon, uttering the phrase: "One small step, Bruther"... before the Astronauts, angry with Hogan's grand-standing, packed up the vessel and left him stranded on the Moon's surface. Hogan would eventually use the awesome power of Hulkamania to return to Earth, releasing the hot-air from an over the top promo and propelling himself safely through the Earth's atmosphere.

The Government, angry with Hulk's defiance on the mission, edited his voice from the TV broadcast and dubbed Armstrong's in to appease his bruised ego.

Although these snippets are speculative, it is hoped one day that the TRUTH about Hulk Hogan will be completely released to the masses, however, until then, we'll have to seek comfort in these words: "Hulkamania will Live Forever!....Bruther."

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).