Although Hulk Hogan has spent the better part of a
quarter century in the limelight as arguably the most well known
professional wrestler ever, little was actually known about the
6 time WWE champion himself, other than his aforementioned
exploits in the squared circle. Well, that was until recently
that is. You see, fans of the Hulkster now had the answers they
craved direct from the horse's mouth so to speak, when Hogan
released his much ballyhooed autobiography.
Although this pleased a legion of Hulkamaniacs
the World over, there was still nay-sayers who criticized the
literary work, even accusing Hulk of fabricating certain events and
facts in an effort , they say, to glorify himself and place his
historical impact in a better light.
What was
notknown about the book ( except by a select
group of scholars and scientists) is that the novel was
purposely incomplete. You see, much like the New
Testament, certain "gospels" in the book of Hogan were
removed to present a story the way the Editor, in this
case, wanted it told. Only recently were these "lost
chapters" discovered, and according to these
scholars, the information contained in these
documents place Hulk Hogan, as we know him, in a
surprising new light.
After spending the better part of a
year and a half meticulously studying the text and mutually agreeing on their
validity, these same scholars have recently released several chapters of the
Hulk Hogan tale to the masses (although certain parties are said to down-play
its written significance) and the conclusion that these"experts" have come to,
is that Hulk Hogan as we know him today is a far more complex creature than ever
thought. Tests, coupled with recent carbon dating of a shredded Hogan T-shirt
said to contain a significant amount of Hogan's DNA, have allegedly revealed The
Hulkster to be somewhere in the vicinity of one million years of age! <
/font>
While this revelation boggles the mind, the
sceptics, no doubt, would state that no HUMAN BEING
could advance to such a substantial age. However, the
explanation being given is that Hogan for lack of a
better term, is hardly a "Man", but rather an
entity that at least at this point, is all but
unexplainable to our fragile human psyches. The Irony as it turns out , is that when Vince
McMahon proclaimed Hulk Hogan to be "Immortal"
in 1990, he didn't know just how close to
the actual truth he was.! The following is several excerpts
from the lost Gospel of
Hulkamania: In the Beginning.... In the beginning, God created the heavens and Earth.
On the 6th day God created MAN. Although he was
no ordinary man. Although said to be made in
God's image, the first man was created seemingly
out of granite, and in all likelihood, his arms
were the largest in the World (although at this
point, there was only ONE man in the World).
This "Hulking" brute also possessed what is said
to be flowing Blond locks. History has given him
the name "Adam" , but it is said that The Lord
himself called him by the name "Terry", as a
general term of affection. Terry was said to love all living things and
marveled at what was all around him, being
particularly infatuated with the sun, for which
he spent countless hours staring at. Terry was
soon completely consumed by this activity and
was both shocked and pleased when he skin began
to change in tone, going from a subtle white to
a bright orange. This pleased Terry greatly. Soon Terry grew lonely, and asked God for a mate.
God said he had someone in mind for Terry and in
anticipation, he bellowed to God: "Whatcha gonna
do, Brother.?!" God then removed one of Hogan's ribs and created
"woman" from it. It is said that the rib was
never replaced, leaving Hogan somewhat
vulnerable and susceptible to attack in later
years (King Kong Bundy would be the first to
capitalize on this "achilles heel"). Terry who by this point was referring to himself
as "Hulk", was said to be pleased with his mate,
who historians have labeled with the name "Eve".
The two were seemingly inseparable. It was soon
after that the couple was said to be tempted by
a serpent (although in later years he would take
human form as a 5'8" Bostonian and answer to the
name "Kevin"). The Bible has painted a picture
of "Adam" (Terry) and Eve succumbing to the
serpent's urgings and eating from the tree of
knowledge (or as the serpent described: "Tree of
Woe"). In reality this was but a parable,
and upon temptation, Terry balked at the serpent
and proceeded to thrash the beast, citing that
"There's only room for one 24 inch Python around
here, brother!" But, instead of discarding
the beast's corpse altogether, he soon began
wearing it as a garment around his neck, coining
the term "Boa". God then asked why Terry had killed when he had
distinctly told him : "No way, dude". Terry
seemed defiant, and claimed that Hulkamania, not
the Lord, was "the most powerful force in the
universe". God was saddened by Terry's arrogance
and subsequently booted "Hulk" and his bride
from the Garden of Eden, citing that he couldn't
in good concience just let "Hulkamania" run
wild. Hulk was thrust into the World, and he soon
became aware of his nakedness and covered his
"shame" in a bright yellow loin cloth. Also as a
symbol of God's anger, The Lord stripped Hulk of
his flowing locks taking 2/3 of his mane as a
symbol of his disappointment, and leaving
Terry's sizeable noggin bare of it's once
flowing pelt. It is at this point that the Bible and
Hulk seem to part ways temporarily. Hogan would
later make several unknown cameos , said to be
also axed from the Old Testament. The most
significant being the story of Moses. Moses and
Terry were said to be rivals, and after one
night that saw Moses being beaten by three men,
Moses' bride ran into the camp and pulled The
Hulkster from his slumber and begged for his
help. As things seemed most bleak for Moses,
Hulk exploded and evened the score. The old
rivals cleaned house and then looked to come to
blows with one another, however, the two briefly
paused, looked around, then reluctantly shook
hands, forming a Powerful force of "Mega"
proportions. As Moses led the Jews from Egypt, Hulk was in
tow, helping many bewildered people cross the
parted Red Sea by carrying the lot on what they
described as "his barn-door back". Hulk and and Moses then went their separate ways,
with Hogan insisting that he was really "putting
over" Moses all along. This is the last Hogan
speaks of this time. Other Lost Chapters: Discovering America.... Unknown to most, Hulk was actually a part of the
crew of sailors who accompanied Christopher
Columbus to the "new World" in 1492. History has
now discovered that Hulk himself was actually
the first to step on U.S. soil as Columbus was
believed to be sickened that day by a
combination of sour ale and bad mussels. Hulk
donned Colombus' uniform and lead his men
ashore. It was said at this point that Hogan
began his love affair with America. Hogan
seflessly allowed Columbus to take credit,
although he stated that he would want his "job"
returned one day... When The U.S. Joined the War effort
after the fateful Pear Harbour assault, the
Alliance unloaded their new weapon of mass
destruction: Hulk Hogan, code named "H-Bomb" on
an unsuspecting Hiroshima, leveling the city by
releasing an airborne Hulkster, who proceeded to
devastate the Metropolis with a thunderous
Legdrop. Hulk was also one of the few survivors on the
Beaches of Normandy, where he was said to
"no-sell" heavy mortar assaults. The German
soldiers, baffled, cried out: "I could of sworn
that would've finished him!" "How is he getting
up!?" Hogan's final charge came in 1945 when he along
with the Russians (marking the only time the
star-spangled Hulkster EVER worked with the
Reds) stormed Hitler's bunker manhandling Adolf
before delivering a high-boot that was said to
dislodge the Fuehrer's head from his shoulders,
killing him instantly. In 1969, The U.S. deplored their
Astronauts into the cold reaches of Space with
hopes of landing on the Moon itself. What is not
common knowledge however, is that the Hulkster
was aboard the vessel, as his skin after years
of prolonged exposure to the sun, allowed him to
wear substantially less gear than the average
Astronaut, in turn saving the Government
millions in the process.
Neil Armstrong, whom had
seniority, was all set to exit the craft when
Hogan accidentally knocked him unconscious with
the module door. Hogan then officially stepped
foot on the moon, uttering the phrase: "One
small step, Bruther"... before the
Astronauts, angry with Hogan's grand-standing,
packed up the vessel and left him stranded on
the Moon's surface. Hogan would eventually use
the awesome power of Hulkamania to return to
Earth, releasing the hot-air from an over the
top promo and propelling himself safely through
the Earth's atmosphere. Although these snippets are speculative, it is
hoped one day that the TRUTH about Hulk Hogan
will be completely released to the masses,
however, until then, we'll have to seek comfort
in these words: "Hulkamania will Live
Forever!....Bruther."
It has also been leaked that certain deciphered
text in the vaunted Dead Sea scrolls are said to
speak of certain events that seem to correspond
with the writing in Hogan's books and it is this
combined with the scientific and genetic test
results, that these experts have deemed the
following to be factually accurate:
After wandering the desert for an excessive
amount of time, Moses finally ascended Mount
Sinai for word from God and to receive his Law.
Hogan with nothing better to do, soon followed
suit. Hogan eventually grew restless, and
instead of waiting for God, he decided to
fashion his own tablets and proceeded to come
back down the mountain, preaching to the people
of the "4 Commandments" The people stood in awe
as Hulk stated the commandments of Training,
saying your prayers and taking your vitamins.
However, before he could get to the part about
"believing in yourself" Moses returned with the
real commandments. He became enraged as
the people in his absence were worshipping a
"Golden Idol" that turns out was not a calf, but
the Hulkster himself!
Hulk Defeats the Third
Reich....
Hulk Walks On
The Moon...
The Government, angry with Hulk's
defiance on the mission, edited his voice from
the TV broadcast and dubbed Armstrong's in to
appease his bruised ego.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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