Surviving the Holidays
Hello
loyal (and even not-so-loyal) readers, "Great"
Scott here.
This little piece is not wrestling related,
but it is related to something I know a great
deal about—surviving the holidays. We're far
past Labor Day, when stores are putting up
Christmas decorations these days, so it's
actually, sort of, the holiday season. Because
I'm a big fan of helping my fellow man (and
woman), I'm going to provide you with some
invaluable information that will make your
[INSERT THE
Why Me?
Before
I get started, let me tell you why I'm qualified
to provide this information. To start, I worked
in the customer service field for 14 years. I worked
in a store for the south's largest grocery chain
for over six years as I worked my way through
high school and college. When I
graduated from college with my English degree, I
spent the next eight years designing training
for the same grocery store chain. Much of
the training I designed revolved around customer
service.
I did mounds and mounds of research about
what makes customers tick and what makes
customer service-based businesses successful. While I no
longer work for that company, I still view every
trip to a store, restaurant, movie theater, or
entertainment venue as a customer service
opportunity.
It also helps that I live near Disney
World, which, once upon a time, was the pinnacle
of good customer service. (The
economy has taken a bit of a toll on WDW's
customer service these days.) If that
doesn't qualify me in your eyes, that's tough
crackers, because I'm going to continue typing
away.
Just realize that I'm only trying to use my
experience to help you out. If you
don't want my help, you can pop your cynical,
distrustful ass over to YouTube and watch people
getting trampled during Black Friday, right here.
If
you're still around, sit yourself in a
comfortable chair, grab yourself some delicious
holiday cookies (or those delicious Little
Debbie's Christmas tree snacks) and some milk,
and prepare to be EDUCATED.
Here's What to Do
I was
originally going to write this column as a
guide, splitting it into sections that
corresponded to each "part" of the holidays. I decided
that in today's ADD-addled society that a
non-bulleted list approach probably wouldn't
fly, so that's what I'm going to do.
·
First,
you need to understand the "Customer-Clerk
Continuum." This
concept can be easily explained by the diagram
on the right.
Simply put, you piss of the person serving
you at a store or restaurant and they typically
take it out on the next customer. This
becomes a never-ending cycle of people pissing
people off during the holidays. Just
realize that no matter how pissed of you are,
the pimply-faced teenager at the cash register
most likely didn't have anything to do with it.
·
Realize that the person you're bitching at most
likely has nothing to do with the thing you're
bitching them out about. Staying
with the theme of treating customer service
folks properly, try to remember that the cashier
or the bagger most likely had nothing to do with
the price of milk or the lack of cranberry sauce
on the store shelf. If
Wal-Mart doesn't have that "Vote for Pedro"
shirt you're looking for, yelling at the woman
stocking shoes probably won't do you any good. Try to
keep your calm and let the adversity roll off
your back.
·
Keep in mind
that waiting until Christmas Eve to shop is a
pretty stupid idea. In my six
years working in a grocery store, it would
absolutely amaze me how angry people would get
because they would stroll in at around an hour
before closing time on Christmas Eve and there
weren't any fresh green beans left. Hmmmm….let
me think about that, genius. Seriously,
procrastinating is bad enough without doing so
during the holidays. Try to get
everything done early so you can actually enjoy
the holidays.
·
Remember, the crowds are bad, but YOU'RE PART OF
THE CROWD!
It
cracks me up when people complain about crowds
at the mall.
Quick question: Where are you right now?
You need to realize that physical shopping
places are going to be crowded when you visit
them during the holidays.
Complaining about the situation won't do
you any good…unless you're trying to look like a
douche bag, in which case you'll succeed.
·
Have a
plan. I admit; I
enjoy Christmas shopping. I follow
my own rules and realize that it will be
challenging.
However, I don't really enjoy shopping, in
general.
I also don't enjoy wasting time. It's bad
enough to walk through a crowded mall once, much
less two or three times. I write
down the stuff I need to buy and where I need to
get it, and then I head immediately to a mall
directory.
I make sure that I can streamline the
process as much as possible.
·
Have a
plan, Part II. Knowing
where you're going and how you're going to get
there is only half the battle. Time
management is also important. Don't give
yourself 30 minutes to get all of your shopping
done if you're going to the local
Super-Mega-Mall. I like to
get to the mall about 15 to 30 minutes after it
opens and give myself three or four hours to
shop.
I plan to do lunch in or around the mall
(11:00 A.M. is usually a good time) and I don't
plan anything afterwards. Again,
don't bitch if you're stuck in traffic and you
only have 30 minutes to shop and you have 100
things more to do. Hey,
dumbass, IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT! Sure, most
drivers are still idiots, but you're right out
there with them.
·
Have a
plan, Part III. (Last one, I promise.) I'm
married to a woman who isn't exactly super-easy
to shop for.
So, to remedy the problem, I find a female
co-worker or friend to help me shop. This
provides several benefits: It's
super-helpful when trying to find stupid femme
music like Celine Dion or stupid femme movies
like Steel Magnolias. I could
never find this crap on my own. Another
benefit is that you don't look like a super
creep when you're by yourself in stores like
Victoria Secret.
Third, you can run styles and scents by
women.
I'm proud to say that I know nothing about
women's shoes, jewelry, or purses…a second
female opinion always helps. I realize
that some of you might think that a female clerk
would be just as helpful and wouldn't threaten
my marriage.
Well, first of all, female clerks have one
goal: to sell stuff. They're
going to recommend what's expensive, not what's
best for my wife. Second, my
wife realizes that I'm not going to run off with
my shopping helper, and she's going to get
better gifts out of the deal. Lastly,
shopping is always a little easier with someone
with you...especially when it comes to tackling
people to get the last Tickle Me Elmo doll.
·
Don't
be a dick when it comes to gifts. This is
one of my biggest pet peeves. There are
a few basic rules when it comes to buying gifts.
§
It's
not necessarily the price.
People
think that when I complain about gifts that I'm
complaining about the price of the gift. No,
stupid, I'm complaining about the quality and
the thought put into the gift. Don't buy
me a coffee mug set if I don't drink coffee. Never buy
ANYONE the crap they sell in the "random crap"
section at Sears or JC Penney's (travel
flashlights, small umbrellas, calculators, or
oversized remote controls). I would
rather receive a dozen homemade chocolate chip
cookies that cost about $2.00 to make than
receive a $30 bible that I'm probably never
going to read. (Note to God: Sorry.)
§
Don't
be self-serving. Seriously,
if you're considering buying someone a road,
star, whale, tree, or a child in
§
Don't
re-gift. Seriously,
is there anything more dick-ish than giving
someone one of your old gifts? My God,
what a crappy practice. I would
never want someone else's unwanted crap; I would
never even consider giving someone else my
unwanted crap.
§
In
most cases, gift cards are a cop out. Again, I
would rather get a gift at half the price and
not have to go back out to shop. Giving a
gift should not force the gift receiver to do
any work.
Obviously, there are some people who just
looooooove to shop, and are complete jackasses
when it comes to giving any information about
what they want.
Those people can receive gift cards. My mind is
pretty much an open book.
§
Creativity doesn't have to cost a lot. I like to
give gifts.
My wife gives me hell because I like to
give gifts to people who don't always deserve
them.
One solution to limiting the money you
spend is to be creative. One way is
to create "night out" basket or bags for people.
Buy a good movie or two, some popcorn and
candy, and a gift basket, and you have a pretty
good gift.
You can also get someone a book they want
and package it with a coffee mug and some of
their favorite coffee. These
gifts aren't expensive, but show that at least
you give a semi-crap about a person.
·
For
the love of God…DON'T DO A WHITE ELEPHANT
GAME!!!
I
swear; the idea of a white elephant game was an
idea conceived by the KKK, Nazis, or Satan
himself.
If you don't know what the white elephant
game is, let me provide a brief explanation. A bunch of
people buy equally-priced presents (usually from
$10-$20) and put them in a "pot." Everyone
draws a number and can either take a present
from the pot or steal one of the previous
picker's presents.
Essentially, it's an excuse to treat other
people like crap during the holidays. Why?
Because there's always someone who goes over the
spending limit and buys something good and there
are always a few people who buy crap like Clay
Aiken CDs or cheese logs. The good
presents get stolen a bunch (unless the person
running the game puts a limit on stealing) and
some people end up with horrible stuff…one year,
I ended up with a woman's sweater…and I'm a fat,
hairy guy.
I realize I'm not going to get a plasma TV
out of this, but I can't think of one good thing
about this stupid tradition. White
elephant games SUCK!
·
Spread
some joy…no matter how hard it is.
No
matter what you're doing during the holidays, be
it shopping, eating, parking, driving, or
returning, try to be nice. I know
this seems like common sense, but just take a
second before you think of unloading on someone
who cuts you off in traffic or takes the last
can of gravy on the shelf. After a
day of shopping, sit down with a Christmas movie
(obviously, Christmas Story is a personal
favorite) and relax. Spend time
with family and friends and realize that
shopping is a necessary part of the
holidays…unless you're a heartless bastard.
·
Give
when you can. It's not a
bad deal: be an a**hole 11 months of the year,
but try to do some good the other 30 days. Donate
some food to a local charity; be nice to a clerk
or waiter; give some money to those poor
bedraggled bastards that have to ring the bells
in the freezing cold; help someone put up some
lights; bring cookies in to work. Do
something to make someone's day a little
brighter.
Conclusion
That's
about it.
If I can save one of you a few minutes of
frustration this holiday season, I'll have done
my job.
Follow my rules and you'll find that your
heart may just grow three sizes…and you may even
get to carve the roast beast!
Happy
holidays from "Great" Scott!
