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Tonight, for only seventeenth, eighteenth, and nineteenth time ever, there will be HELL IN A CELL! Featuring the two guys who competed in the very first one like twelve years ago. Innovation abounds, to be sure. Also inaction (not a typo) is John Cena wrestling Randy Orton for, get this shit, the WWE Championship and Triple H vs some young new stars who are just on the precipice of something resembling a sustained push. It's like a nostalgia show! You know, so we can reminisce on the Pay Per View from last month. And every month before that forever.

We begin with video packages galore featuring lots of funny clips I haven't seen because I don't watch wrestling. Sorry, denial reflex. Taker describes as the Cell being “a place where there is no forgiveness, only vengeance.” Jesus, I'm surprised he didn't try to work “no way out” or “bad blood” in there too. One of these videos features Matthews pestering Orton backstage, who says “take a seat, Josh” in his best “I'm a crazy motherfucker” voice..and Josh pulls up a fucking chair. I sure bet something bad proceeded to happen to him, maybe an RKO or a really long and deadpan promo even, but I don't know though because these video recap things went on for literally fifteen minutes and I had to go get a drink already. That drink was watered-down green Hawaiian Punch, but nevertheless. Finally, our first match is set to kick off! No ECW title defense tonight, so I'm curious to see who they decide to throw out there for tonight's curtain jerker, as the Divas are strictly reserved for the heat vacuum between dual main events. And so... CM Punk is out. What.

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs Undertaker, Hell in a Cell

Punk is touted by the announcers as being the FIRST EVER straight edge world champion, which basically sends the message that ALLEGED drug traffickers and DEFINITELY NOT steroid-abusing mongoloid beastmen with pure gorilla cum coursing through their over-inflated veins have a better chance of being successful than simple hard work and dedication to values. Also these things will make everyone not like you. Punk shoves the ref with his belt as he hands it over before entering the ring and cheering to boos. He always looks like he's having a good time out there, even when he's being a total cock. Regul arly fucking ridiculously hot women you meet at work will do that for a guy I guess. Huge dueling chants to start with, with Punk getting a considerable amount of support,

Anyway, I don't even know what to say about this match. I started recapping it, so as to take you all along for the ride of the match, building suspense with every armdrag and resthold, and certainly not just make you skim through the tedious blow by blows looking for dick jokes, and then it just ended. Basically, what I'm saying is, they fought pretty okay for maybe ten minutes, and then Undertaker hit Punk with all of his finishers to win the match minus Hell's Gate which had nothing to do with anything despite being everything in the buildup. HORRIBLE match in terms of expectations and delivery, for the second time in a row no less. But I'm not going to rob you of a recap, no sir! This will become a recap of all of JR's overused, ridiculous, or otherwise mockable comments, just because I'm pretty sure he reads this. I'M TRACKING YOUR IP WITH MY EMAIL VIRUSES, OLD MAN!

Right. So anyway, JR says this will be for the heavyweight shimshimship of the world before trying to convince us that Taker is “gliding” to the ring. (Editor's note : He was walking at a regular pace.) Taker stares Punk down in the ring, LIKE A DEMON LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. He calls the Cell a “noxious environment.” “There is nerve gas and poisonous powder being emitted from under that very ring here tonight! Every slam on the mat releases more toxic spores!” And then we learn that the Cell is apparently like the Jeepers Creepers gargoyle in that it sporadically appears every so often to “feast on the bodies of men.” Fucker is just trying to get fired at this point. What value is maintaining a legacy in the face of that sweet, sweet severance pay. By the way, so as not to exclude anyone here, Tard just follows up everything JR says with tired generalizations about Taker stealing souls and being evil.

Winner : Deaf people.

Seriously, just an annoying waste of a match. I mean I get it's the seventeeth Hell in a Cell, and there's only been like five or six really good ones, and there are THREE booked for tonight, but this was ridiculous. If I paid to see this I would be seething, but instead I'm already moving on to the next match. NOW LISTEN, HYUH! Intercontinental title defense, and the first time I've recapped a John Morrison match since, what, back when I did Smackdown? How the fuuuuuudge has the Miz had more PPV matches than this guy? Also, fun fact, today is Morrison's thirtieth birthday. I know this because I am a flaming homosexual. SPEAKING OF WHICH! Dolph Ziggler is out in a black and white spotted vest with pink letters on it with his theme music a nasally emo whine. At least he trimmed up the blond mullet a bit. I bet that shit left a grease spot on the barbershop floor the size of . Flaming, FLAMING homosexual. Dolph pats his ass like Rikishi in the ring as JR and Tard debate whether Ziggler's spots are leopard or cheetah. Wrestling is so gay. That's why I don't watch it.
Intercontinental Champion John Morrison vs Dolph Ziggler, title match
Back and forth waistlockery wrestling stuff to start off, with Morrison occasionally trying to do other shit, only to get brought back down to Ziggler's level. We get a nice leapfrog and dropkick from Mr Nohjo Rison and he busts out the old whirlagig handstandomatic legdrop for a nearfall. Speaking of whirlagigs, sort of, the book Whirlagig changed the way I look at whirlagigs, and all sorts of other stupid stuff, really, even down to bathroom or picnic table graffiti. Note that the book is not really all that much about whirlagigs. It also inspired me to play the harmonica, because I'm not annoying enough on my own. So, um. Oh, the match! Well Mr. Ziggles has that resthold locked in, but Morrison is ghost like Swayze, tripping him all u p and hitting a springboard crossbody for two. They go back and forth here with lots of counters, both looking like they have what it takes to be the second rate champion on the second rate show on a second rate network in a second rate company (!AAA NUMBER ONE!) Morrison misses the Starship Pain, so I guess he'll just have to catch a ride on the Crystal Ship, and Ziggler eventually takes over on power moves and loudly taunts Morrison while picking up two counts like he was a black man being indicted, or something that makes sense and/or is more offensive. Either one works here. Morrison catches Mr. Ziggles with a DDT counter and SPICK SPICK SPICK's his way to domination. Standing Star Press scores several and so I'll stop as Ziggler looks to set up for his turnbuckle gutbuster, but JOMO escapes, soon looking for the Chuck Kick, only to get Germaned down for two. FAMEASSER because using that move while being tall blond and gay worked out so well for Billy Gunn. In fact it didn't, and doesn't for Ziggler here, and so he throws a fit, giving Morrison an opening to shoot for the Starship again, but Ziggler plants his ass off the top for a nearfall. Big crowd reaction and Morrison follows up by escaping the "Zig Zag," I swear to God that's what his move is called. He proceeds to drill Ziggler's ass with a knee to the head and finally lands Starship Pain for the retention.
Winner and STILL IC Champion : John Morrison
Really good match, crowd was into it, and it was about 150% longer than the World Title curtainjerker. So, yeah, no hurtful comments directed towards any of the men involved. JR however did his throaty squeal more than a few times and so for that he should be reprimanded. 
IN THE BACK with Josh Matthews attempting to interview Batista and Rey, but Batista dicks it up by being the one to introduce Rey, snatching Josh's mic until he can basically say yeah so anyway here's Rey Mysterio. The RIGHT way, though. Matthews is then allowed to do his job and he brings up the fact that they've been tag champs before, leading Mysterio to say that Batista is like his big brother. So. Fucking.. HomosexOH Fucking. THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ARE HERE! They're just kind of hanging around I guess. It's not immediately clear why. I wonder if they'll be causing any interference in a match tonight. New DX members?! PERHAPS. Oh, there's a new TMNT movie or video game or something coming out. Still, not entirely sure why they're, well you know what nevermind let's just move on.
A Female Champion Mickie James vs Alicia Fox
Damn. Alicia Fox is hot.
Winner : Mickie James
Haha, sexism. Seriously though, Mickie is hot too. Now let us conduct ourselves onward.
Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & Big Show vs Batista & Rey Mysterio
Rey and Jericho start off, revisiting some of that old from their feud earlier this year which, in all reality, was not that big of a deal. I mean okay, Rey likes to wear a mask because he's an ugly Mexican. Jericho wanted to take his mask off, just to fuck with him. Worst case scenario : Rey has to wrestle with one less cranium accessory but otherwise his life remains exactly the same as always. So, let's gloss over the parts where nothing out of the ordinary happened, for your benefit, and also okay, yeah, I kind of have shit to do. Rey uses Mexican moves. Batista uses POWER MOVES. Both Rey and Batista then control with a combination of Mexican and POWER MOVES. Then Big Show finally gets the tag.

Mysterio decides to stay in and not tag the big gorillacum motherfucker in the corner who just killed this dude like a week ago, and so he proceeds to get eaten by Show. LIKE A RAGDOLL. You know what, JR, it is in fact no longer the 1930's, other nouns exist, most if not virtually all of them would be better in this context than “ragdoll,” if only to br eak the monotony of video-game soundbytes come to life. IF WISHES WERE FISHES HYUCK HYUCK. Get your shit together. ….. Ahhhhh I'm just kidding! Just dicking around with JR because I know he reads this. BARBECUE SAUCE. Big Show with a headbutt! A stand on the chest! CLUBBING BLOWS! He sets Rey up and chops him out before pulling him back in by his head. That was pretty allright. For Big Show. Jericho gets the tag and goes for a Walls and then a Masterlock which Rey escapes with an enziguri that sets up for the 619, but Jericho is jk and brings Rey down with a nice clothesline upon his rebound from the ropes. He sets Rey up for a supersomething before, oh goddamnit, he's trying to rip off his mask still. Jesus, Chris, THE MATCH! So yeah Rey knocks him down and flies at him before tagging in Batista. Will this Pokemon swap change the flow of battle? You know what it does! Batista kills everybody for a good bit until Show trips him up from the outside, allowing Jericho to hit the Codebreaker for a nearfall. Show gets the tag here and keeps him down, even delivering a chokeslam that Rey has to save Batista from losing to. But no matter, Big Show continues to assert his dominance before tagging in Jericho to keep it up. Everything is going well for the tag champs. And then Jericho goes for the Lionsault. Both guys crawl away and tag in their partners at the same time, so Rey proceeds to school Show in ridiculous fashi on. Jericho interference is thwarted by Mysterio after Bigun' takes a tumble outisde. He sets Y2J up for the 619 but he avoids it, but Mysterio connects anyway on Big Show who happened to be standing in an unfortunately exact position on the outside. Rey sends Jericho out but Show catches him, only for Batista to spear BS and drop them both. Show reenters and Rey sets him up for, and then drills his ass with, a 619. He's all happy and shit as he goes for a springboard something, and Big Show just punches him for the pin.

Winner and STILL Tag Team Champions : Chris Jericho & Big Show

BECAUSE JERICHO IS NOT ALLOWED TO GET THE PIN, EVER. Goddamn that punch is getting to be an annoying ending, but in a “Fuck it I want to see somebody not lose to that stupid fuckery punch” way, so I guess that's good. Very good tag match, I thought Rey and Teest were going to pull it off, and you can't tell me you wouldn't be happy to see Batista languishing in the tag division, at least for a little while. I would be up for a rematch between these two teams, which, considering it's the WWE, I may not have to wish on too many lucky stars for it to happen. Barbecue sauce.

HELL IN A CELL. AGAIN. I gotta tell you, making that first HIAC match total disappoin ting shit really did build anticipation for the next one, in a “Man I hope I didn't get ripped off buying this” type of way. I bought it with my time, not money. Video package of Cena and Orton, so I guess DX is the main event, so I guess DX is winning the main event, so I guess Triple H is getting the pinfall in the main event. I wonder whatever happened to Triple H's big deal rule of “the title always has to go on last?” I guess, somehow, Triple H is winning the title in the main event. In the meantime, a Cena title defense! This is just not a good night for heels.

WWE Champion John Cena vs Randy Orton, Hell in a Cell

I'm a bit wary about bothering to recap this after being fucked over by the first match, so I will take this time to jokingly tease my favorite reader JR about his smug-ass “everyone's crazy but me” bullshit attitude in his blogs that I read whenever I need a good seething session. All in good fun, of course. You know, Jim, every time you pick a “crazy made-up internet journalist rumor” to criticize, you never actually address the rumor, you just “question” the source in a “I'm not telling you what to think, just pointing out the 'facts' in a way that if you think otherwise you are retarded” way, regardless of how true the story en ds up being, or what the source even is. “My my, the ridiculous internet rumors are flying that...” JUST SAY WHAT IT IS AND IF YOU THINK IT'S TRUE OR NOT OR DON'T SAY ANYTHING. You're like all those news channels that don't actually TALK about anything, they just spend the whole time tearing down the other guys based on arbitrary . Fuck you, Jim Ross. You are an unbearably annoying human being, you are a cancer to reason and logic, you are the reason things don't get done, you are the reason we are so unenlightened as a species, I wish you weren't able to type vote or speak (instead of just half the time) or communicate any of your really ideas in any way. Really, sincerely, Jimothy - fuck you. Also lose weight.

...AAAAAAAH I'M SO SILLY. Just joshing you bro. I like that hat. I wanna meet that hat. Barbecue sauce.
So now we're about, what, halfway into the match here and so far pretty brutal action I won't waste time recapping despite that being what I was supposed to be doing this entire time. Orton is killing like a boss and leaves Cena dead as he heaves and hoes and strains to lift up a big section of the steel steps to get them into the ring. He tries to lurch them crazily but they hit the ropes and bounce back, so he just grabs it like it weighs maybe more than a can of pringles and says “okay fuck this” and slides it on in. He gets in to get them in position and Cena groggily tries to enter the ring, coming in between the ropes from the apron directly in front of Randy Orton and his big steel surface. This is asking for it harder than not wearing a bra as you go jogging through a neighborhood where the only white people are the ones standing on run-down porches and taking out their wallets hoping no one they know recognizes them. You are going to get raped, and that's exactly what happens here. Except for the rape. And any negative reprecussions whatsoever. Cena blocks the DDT and backdrops Orton out, hurling the steps out after him, but Orton dodges and gets back in the ring. It's all Cena as he hits four of the five, but Orton blocks and regains control by hitting the elevated DDT for two. RKO is reversed and Cena adjusts that ass for a nearfall of his own. We almost get a toprope AA but THE VIPER slithers out and seats Cena in the electric chair for another two count. Cena continues to seek control, getting a window to hit his flying Fameasser, only to miss and land ass-first. Orton goes to town on Cena with a chair from here until Cena manages to escape the flurry of steel and lock in the STFU. Orton escapes by crawling out of the ring, but Cena yanks him back in to try to go for it again. Orton kicks him away and into the referee, who of course goes flying several yards out of the ring. Of course. Cena locks in the STFU=2 0again anyway and Orton taps but, I mean, yeah, ref's out.

Cena goes out to fetch him but gets caught with an RKO upon his return for a nearfall. Orton then decides to get elaborate and wrap Cena up in the middle and top rope before slapping on an Orton lock. He releases it when Cena's good and purple and stares down the dying Cena on the mat before setting up for the punt that just absolutely misses, but as has happened in the past, the air coming off that speeding foot is enough to knock a man unconscious and even put him out of action for weeks, and so it's certainly enough to get the pinfall here.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : Randy Orton

Orton takes his leave as Cena looks on in a defeated way, a way that just might say “I won't bitch about this tomorrow night on Raw, I'll simply admit you were the better man and go on to do something else for a while.” And then give him an FU, just because. Orton stares at Cena from the ramp as he leaves with his glittery new old belt and I gotta say, I liked Orton in this match. He had a few pretty cool moves I didn't talk about and just generally did an allright job at everything, I don't know. He's a good asshole. We are told by the announcers that the reason Cena is already conscious and not dead like everyone else is because Orton's leg was weakened by the STFU and so the punt didn't carry it's usual force. Yes, that really is the bullshit JR is trying to feed us here. I DON'T CARE IF HE'S NOT EVEN CALLING THIS MATCH. FUCK HIM. <3 Jimmy.

In the back now we have Josh Matthews interviewing...R Truth? Bonus match! We are shown all of the surprise attacks made by Drew McIntyre over the past few weeks on Smackdown. I remember Drew McIntyre from like, what, a year or two ago? He won like two matches with Dave Taylor in his corner and then disappeared all this time. Why the wait? Why postpone him for a year and a half? Surely he didn't need all that time in developmental. If he did, why the fuck did they sign him to begin with? He's a skinny white guy. Anyway. The point is he is here now to beat the big black guy, like nature intended.
R Truth vs Drew McIntyre
Truth does his whole rap thing, I don't know I really hate it. Drew follows with considerably less fanfare despite being named the future of the WWE by Vince himself. Then again the last guy Vince approved in such fashion was Elijah Burke, and he proceeded to sit home and collect a check for like a year and now wrestles for TNA feuding with like Daivari and shit, I don't know. I don't think Andariel Ha lo does either, to be honest with you. As for the match itself, ehhhhhh. Just a really quick go-nowhere Smackdown filler type of match. Mac Daddy wins with a DDT that won't be his finisher for very long.
Winner : What the FUCK did I just get through saying?

Couldn't they have just given this match's time to Taker-Punk? I mean giving these guys PPV time is important, but so is not bitching out one of your championship matches. Speaking of which! The championship part, not the bitched-out part.
United States Champion Kofi Kingston vs Jack Swagger vs Miz
The Miz is out first to be like “I'm about to win this title...it's a shame I have to do it in JERSEY! Wh-where we're at! Where you're from! Ha!” Yeah. Pretty lame promo, I'm not gonna lie to you. He says the Ninja Turtles are here because it's a sewer. I hate wrestling. Kofi takes on all comers at the start, but THE NUMBERS GAME becomes too much and Miz and Swagger double team the champion. Tension builds as Swagger breaks up a Miz pinning attempt, but they continue the amiable beatdown until Miz betrays Swagger by whipping him into Kofi in the corner and hitting his clothesline. All Miz here as he hits the flying double axe handle that he's been fucking amazing everyone with lately and continuing to take on both guys at once until Swagger and Kofi team up with a Dudley Device type of move, with Kofi coming off with a crossbody for two. Swagger takes a turn as alpha male (not Monty Brown) but it breaks down and evens out soon enough as you could say Swagger is having a little...TROUBLE IN PARADISE. Skull Crushing Finale on Kofi for two and it's a series of nearfalls until Swagger plants Miz with the gutwrench powerbomb. He looks to finish Kofi off as well but has a little more...TROUBLE IN PARADISE and gets pinned for the loss.
Winner and STILL US Champ : Kofi Kingston

Okay match, short and fast-paced, I just have to wonder when Kofi is going to drop the title and to whom. I don't know, nothing we haven't seen before lately with these guys, with Miz shining a bit more. MAIN EVENT TIME.

Legacy vs Degeneration X

The Cell lowers once more and DX breaks it down as they dance to the ring, but Legacy jumps them before they make it. We get an extended brawl all along the outside of the cell, mostly suplexing and whipping and that type of stuff. They pair off fighting into the crowd, Trips and Dibiase and Michaels with Rhodes, with Rhodes managing to sneak the chain that locks the Cell door and punch Michaels' leg with it. He then goes to the aid of his partner and gives Trips a shot of chain. Double DDT followed by a Crossroads keep Trips down for the time being as the PACK OF DOGS go back to work on Michaels. They close the door on his leg, because we've never seen Michaels kick with his other leg, not ever. They get Michaels in the ring and lock up the door as Trips is still dead on the stage. The bell rings so I guess the match is technically just starting, and Triple H will not be competing. This is all turning out pretty awesome.

It's basically an extended handicap match for a while with Legacy working over Shawn's knee. HBK of course gets in the little hope spots but repeatedly gets his ass put down. Hunter eventually carries his broken ass down to the Cell as Michaels lands a superkick on one of the Ortons, but he gets taken back down and Trips is still cut off from entry. HHH tries to hit the chain on the door with a chair. What. This is like Mark Henry ridiculous. Why not just go flick the referee in the eye and take the spare key while he's incapacitated? Legacy yell annoying shit at Trips, taunting him by killing Michaels all over the ring. Triple H is about to lose his shit, but then gets a serene look of “Well hell” and walks back up the ramp. Legacy crack up at this and taunt Michaels with it. MIND GAMES. They also hurt him pretty bad physically too as20Shawn looks both half-unconscious and sad. Pray, bitch. This goes on for quite a while and is vastly entertaining to me. I mean it, this is even better than the Flair and Michaels vs Like Five or Six Guys With One Being Edge that one time on Smackdown. Michaels begins to show a glimmer of a comeback but they stop that shit and decide to end it with the Figure Four around the ringpost along with the Million Dollar Dream, which is what put Shawn away at Breaking Point.

Hunter then comes running back down the ramp with a bolt cutter so Legacy breaks their holds and look to finish it quick I guess. Dream Street onto a chair but Trips is in and you know kills everyone like he likes to do. A ref tries to lock the door back up but Trips uses the chain as a weapon on Dibiase before Pedigreeing his ass down and throwing him out the door. He locks it up and it's just DX with Cody Rhodes here. Spinebuster sets him up for the flying elbow from Michaels who is REBORN, with a chair around Cody's neck. HHH takes a turn with a sledgehammer, nailing him with it as Michaels simultaneously superkicked him. Believe it or not, this is enough to put Cody fucking Rhodes away.
Winners : DX
They break it down as the Cell raises and Dibiase is in to tend to his partner, but Shawn catches him with his foot as well. We get all the usual x-shaped posturing from here on out and all is right with the world. Except nobody is bleeding. Goddamnit.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).