Tonight, for only seventeenth,
eighteenth, and nineteenth time ever, there will be
HELL IN A CELL! Featuring the two guys who competed
in the very first one like twelve years ago.
Innovation abounds, to be sure. Also inaction (not a
typo) is John Cena wrestling Randy Orton for, get
this shit, the WWE Championship and Triple H vs some
young new stars who are just on the precipice of
something resembling a sustained push. It's like a
nostalgia show! You know, so we can reminisce on the
Pay Per View from last month. And every month before
that forever.
We begin with video packages galore
featuring lots of funny clips I haven't seen because
I don't watch wrestling. Sorry, denial reflex. Taker
describes as the Cell being “a place where there is
no forgiveness, only vengeance.” Jesus, I'm
surprised he didn't try to work “no way out” or “bad
blood” in there too. One of these videos features
Matthews pestering Orton backstage, who says “take a
seat, Josh” in his best “I'm a crazy motherfucker”
voice..and Josh pulls up a fucking chair. I sure bet
something bad proceeded to happen to him, maybe an
RKO or a really long and deadpan promo even, but I
don't know though because these video recap things
went on for literally fifteen minutes and I had to
go get a drink already. That drink was watered-down
green Hawaiian Punch, but nevertheless. Finally, our
first match is set to kick off! No ECW title defense
tonight, so I'm curious to see who they decide to
throw out there for tonight's curtain jerker, as the
Divas are strictly reserved for the heat vacuum
between dual main events. And so... CM Punk is out.
What.
World Heavyweight Champion CM
Punk vs Undertaker, Hell in a Cell
Punk is touted by the announcers as
being the FIRST EVER straight edge world champion,
which basically sends the message that ALLEGED drug
traffickers and DEFINITELY NOT steroid-abusing
mongoloid beastmen with pure gorilla cum coursing
through their over-inflated veins have a better
chance of being successful than simple hard work and
dedication to values. Also these things will make
everyone not like you. Punk shoves the ref with his
belt as he hands it over before entering the ring
and cheering to boos. He always looks like he's
having a good time out there, even when he's being a
total cock. Regul arly fucking ridiculously hot
women you meet at work will do that for a guy I
guess. Huge dueling chants to start with, with Punk
getting a considerable amount of support,
Anyway, I don't even know what to
say about this match. I started recapping it, so as
to take you all along for the ride of the match,
building suspense with every armdrag and resthold,
and certainly not just make you skim through the
tedious blow by blows looking for dick jokes, and
then it just ended. Basically, what I'm saying is,
they fought pretty okay for maybe ten minutes, and
then Undertaker hit Punk with all of his finishers
to win the match minus Hell's Gate which had nothing
to do with anything despite being everything in the
buildup. HORRIBLE match in terms of expectations and
delivery, for the second time in a row no less. But
I'm not going to rob you of a recap, no sir! This
will become a recap of all of JR's overused,
ridiculous, or otherwise mockable comments, just
because I'm pretty sure he reads this. I'M TRACKING
YOUR IP WITH MY EMAIL VIRUSES, OLD MAN!
Right. So anyway, JR says this will
be for the heavyweight shimshimship of the world
before trying to convince us that Taker is “gliding”
to the ring. (Editor's note : He was walking at a
regular pace.) Taker stares Punk down in the ring,
LIKE A DEMON LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. He calls the Cell
a “noxious environment.” “There is nerve gas and
poisonous powder being emitted from under that very
ring here tonight! Every slam on the mat releases
more toxic spores!” And then we learn that the Cell
is apparently like the Jeepers Creepers gargoyle in
that it sporadically appears every so often to
“feast on the bodies of men.” Fucker is just trying
to get fired at this point. What value is
maintaining a legacy in the face of that sweet,
sweet severance pay. By the way, so as not to
exclude anyone here, Tard just follows up everything
JR says with tired generalizations about Taker
stealing souls and being evil.
Winner : Deaf people.
Seriously, just an
annoying waste of a match. I mean I get it's the
seventeeth Hell in a Cell, and there's only been
like five or six really good ones, and there are
THREE booked for tonight, but this was ridiculous.
If I paid to see this I would be seething, but
instead I'm already moving on to the next match. NOW
LISTEN, HYUH! Intercontinental title defense, and
the first time I've recapped a John Morrison match
since, what, back when I did Smackdown? How the
fuuuuuudge has the Miz had more PPV matches than
this guy? Also, fun fact, today is Morrison's
thirtieth birthday. I know this because I am a
flaming homosexual. SPEAKING OF WHICH! Dolph Ziggler
is out in a black and white spotted vest with pink
letters on it with his theme music a nasally emo
whine. At least he trimmed up the blond mullet a
bit. I bet that shit left a grease spot on the
barbershop floor the size of . Flaming, FLAMING
homosexual. Dolph pats his ass like Rikishi in the
ring as JR and Tard debate whether Ziggler's spots
are leopard or cheetah. Wrestling is so gay. That's
why I don't watch it.
Intercontinental Champion John
Morrison vs Dolph Ziggler, title match
Back and forth
waistlockery wrestling stuff to start off, with
Morrison occasionally trying to do other shit, only
to get brought back down to Ziggler's level. We get
a nice leapfrog and dropkick from Mr Nohjo Rison and
he busts out the old whirlagig handstandomatic
legdrop for a nearfall. Speaking of whirlagigs, sort
of, the book Whirlagig changed the way I look at
whirlagigs, and all sorts of other stupid stuff,
really, even down to bathroom or picnic table
graffiti. Note that the book is not really all that
much about whirlagigs. It also inspired me to play
the harmonica, because I'm not annoying enough on my
own. So, um. Oh, the match! Well Mr. Ziggles has
that resthold locked in, but Morrison is ghost like
Swayze, tripping him all u p and hitting a
springboard crossbody for two. They go back and
forth here with lots of counters, both looking like
they have what it takes to be the second rate
champion on the second rate show on a second rate
network in a second rate company (!AAA NUMBER ONE!)
Morrison misses the Starship Pain, so I guess he'll
just have to catch a ride on the Crystal Ship, and
Ziggler eventually takes over on power moves and
loudly taunts Morrison while picking up two counts
like he was a black man being indicted, or something
that makes sense and/or is more offensive. Either
one works here. Morrison catches Mr. Ziggles with a
DDT counter and SPICK SPICK SPICK's his way to
domination. Standing Star Press scores several and
so I'll stop as Ziggler looks to set up for his
turnbuckle gutbuster, but JOMO escapes, soon looking
for the Chuck Kick, only to get Germaned down for
two. FAMEASSER because using that move while being
tall blond and gay worked out so well for Billy
Gunn. In fact it didn't, and doesn't for Ziggler
here, and so he throws a fit, giving Morrison an
opening to shoot for the Starship again, but Ziggler
plants his ass off the top for a nearfall. Big crowd
reaction and Morrison follows up by escaping the
"Zig Zag," I swear to God that's what his move is
called. He proceeds to drill Ziggler's ass with a
knee to the head and finally lands Starship Pain for
the retention.
Winner and STILL IC
Champion : John Morrison
Really good match, crowd
was into it, and it was about 150% longer than the
World Title curtainjerker. So, yeah, no hurtful
comments directed towards any of the men involved.
JR however did his throaty squeal more than a few
times and so for that he should be reprimanded.
IN THE BACK with Josh
Matthews attempting to interview Batista and Rey,
but Batista dicks it up by being the one to
introduce Rey, snatching Josh's mic until he can
basically say yeah so anyway here's Rey Mysterio.
The RIGHT way, though. Matthews is then allowed to
do his job and he brings up the fact that they've
been tag champs before, leading Mysterio to say that
Batista is like his big brother. So. Fucking..
HomosexOH Fucking. THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
ARE HERE! They're just kind of hanging around I
guess. It's not immediately clear why. I wonder if
they'll be causing any interference in a match
tonight. New DX members?! PERHAPS. Oh, there's a new
TMNT movie or video game or something coming out.
Still, not entirely sure why they're, well you know
what nevermind let's just move on.
A
Female Champion Mickie James vs Alicia Fox
Damn. Alicia Fox is hot.
Winner : Mickie James
Haha, sexism. Seriously
though, Mickie is hot too. Now let us conduct
ourselves onward.
Unified Tag Team Champions Chris
Jericho & Big Show vs Batista & Rey Mysterio
Rey and Jericho start
off, revisiting some of that old from their feud
earlier this year which, in all reality, was not
that big of a deal. I mean okay, Rey likes to wear a
mask because he's an ugly Mexican. Jericho wanted to
take his mask off, just to fuck with him. Worst case
scenario : Rey has to wrestle with one less cranium
accessory but otherwise his life remains exactly the
same as always. So, let's gloss over the parts where
nothing out of the ordinary happened, for your
benefit, and also okay, yeah, I kind of have shit to
do. Rey uses Mexican moves. Batista uses POWER
MOVES. Both Rey and Batista then control with a
combination of Mexican and POWER MOVES. Then Big
Show finally gets the tag.
Mysterio decides to stay
in and not tag the big gorillacum motherfucker in
the corner who just killed this dude like a week
ago, and so he proceeds to get eaten by Show. LIKE A
RAGDOLL. You know what, JR, it is in fact no longer
the 1930's, other nouns exist, most if not virtually
all of them would be better in this context than
“ragdoll,” if only to br eak the monotony of
video-game soundbytes come to life. IF WISHES WERE
FISHES HYUCK HYUCK. Get your shit together. …..
Ahhhhh I'm just kidding! Just dicking around with JR
because I know he reads this. BARBECUE SAUCE. Big
Show with a headbutt! A stand on the chest! CLUBBING
BLOWS! He sets Rey up and chops him out before
pulling him back in by his head. That was pretty
allright. For Big Show. Jericho gets the tag and
goes for a Walls and then a Masterlock which Rey
escapes with an enziguri that sets up for the 619,
but Jericho is jk and brings Rey down with a nice
clothesline upon his rebound from the ropes. He sets
Rey up for a supersomething before, oh goddamnit,
he's trying to rip off his mask still. Jesus, Chris,
THE MATCH! So yeah Rey knocks him down and flies at
him before tagging in Batista. Will this Pokemon
swap change the flow of battle? You know what it does! Batista kills
everybody for a good bit until Show trips him up
from the outside, allowing Jericho to hit the
Codebreaker for a nearfall. Show gets the tag here
and keeps him down, even delivering a chokeslam that
Rey has to save Batista from losing to. But no
matter, Big Show continues to assert his dominance
before tagging in Jericho to keep it up. Everything
is going well for the tag champs. And then Jericho
goes for the Lionsault. Both guys crawl away and tag
in their partners at the same time, so Rey proceeds
to school Show in ridiculous fashi on. Jericho
interference is thwarted by Mysterio after Bigun'
takes a tumble outisde. He sets Y2J up for the 619
but he avoids it, but Mysterio connects anyway on
Big Show who happened to be standing in an
unfortunately exact position on the outside. Rey
sends Jericho out but Show catches him, only for
Batista to spear BS and drop them both. Show
reenters and Rey sets him up for, and then drills
his ass with, a 619. He's all happy and shit as he
goes for a springboard something, and Big Show just
punches him for the pin.
Winner and STILL Tag Team
Champions : Chris Jericho & Big Show
BECAUSE JERICHO IS NOT
ALLOWED TO GET THE PIN, EVER. Goddamn that punch is
getting to be an annoying ending, but in a “Fuck it
I want to see somebody not lose to that stupid
fuckery punch” way, so I guess that's good. Very
good tag match, I thought Rey and Teest were going
to pull it off, and you can't tell me you wouldn't
be happy to see Batista languishing in the tag
division, at least for a little while. I would be up
for a rematch between these two teams, which,
considering it's the WWE, I may not have to wish on
too many lucky stars for it to happen. Barbecue
sauce.
HELL IN A CELL. AGAIN. I
gotta tell you, making that first HIAC match total
disappoin ting shit really did build anticipation
for the next one, in a “Man I hope I didn't get
ripped off buying this” type of way. I bought it
with my time, not money. Video package of Cena and
Orton, so I guess DX is the main event, so I guess
DX is winning the main event, so I guess Triple H is
getting the pinfall in the main event. I wonder
whatever happened to Triple H's big deal rule of
“the title always has to go on last?” I guess,
somehow, Triple H is winning the title in the main
event. In the meantime, a Cena title defense! This
is just not a good night for heels.
WWE
Champion John Cena vs Randy Orton, Hell in a Cell
I'm a bit wary about
bothering to recap this after being fucked over by
the first match, so I will take this time to
jokingly tease my favorite reader JR about his
smug-ass “everyone's crazy but me” bullshit attitude
in his blogs that I read whenever I need a good
seething session. All in good fun, of course. You
know, Jim, every time you pick a “crazy made-up
internet journalist rumor” to criticize, you never
actually address the rumor, you just “question” the
source in a “I'm not telling you what to think, just
pointing out the 'facts' in a way that if you think
otherwise you are retarded” way, regardless of how
true the story en ds up being, or what the source
even is. “My my, the ridiculous internet rumors are
flying that...” JUST SAY WHAT IT IS AND IF YOU THINK
IT'S TRUE OR NOT OR DON'T SAY ANYTHING. You're like
all those news channels that don't actually TALK
about anything, they just spend the whole time
tearing down the other guys based on arbitrary .
Fuck you, Jim Ross. You are an unbearably annoying
human being, you are a cancer to reason and logic,
you are the reason things don't get done, you are
the reason we are so unenlightened as a species, I
wish you weren't able to type vote or speak (instead
of just half the time) or communicate any of your
really ideas in any way. Really, sincerely, Jimothy
- fuck you. Also lose weight.
...AAAAAAAH I'M SO SILLY.
Just joshing you bro. I like that hat. I wanna meet
that hat. Barbecue sauce.
So now we're about, what,
halfway into the match here and so far pretty brutal
action I won't waste time recapping despite that
being what I was supposed to be doing this entire
time. Orton is killing like a boss and leaves Cena
dead as he heaves and hoes and strains to lift up a
big section of the steel steps to get them into the
ring. He tries to lurch them crazily but they hit
the ropes and bounce back, so he just grabs it like
it weighs maybe more than a can of pringles and says
“okay fuck this” and slides it on in. He gets in to
get them in position and Cena groggily tries to
enter the ring, coming in between the ropes from the
apron directly in front of Randy Orton and his big
steel surface. This is asking for it harder than not
wearing a bra as you go jogging through a
neighborhood where the only white people are the
ones standing on run-down porches and taking out
their wallets hoping no one they know recognizes
them. You are going to get raped, and that's exactly
what happens here. Except for the rape. And any
negative reprecussions whatsoever.
Cena blocks the DDT and
backdrops Orton out, hurling the steps out after
him, but Orton dodges and gets back in the ring.
It's all Cena as he hits four of the five, but Orton
blocks and regains control by hitting the elevated
DDT for two. RKO is reversed and Cena adjusts that
ass for a nearfall of his own. We almost get a
toprope AA but THE VIPER slithers out and seats Cena
in the electric chair for another two count. Cena
continues to seek control, getting a window to hit
his flying Fameasser, only to miss and land
ass-first. Orton goes to town on Cena with a chair
from here until Cena manages to escape the flurry of
steel and lock in the STFU. Orton escapes by
crawling out of the ring, but Cena yanks him back in
to try to go for it again. Orton kicks him away and
into the referee, who of course goes flying several
yards out of the ring. Of course. Cena locks in the
STFU=2 0again anyway and Orton taps but, I mean,
yeah, ref's out.
Cena goes out to fetch
him but gets caught with an RKO upon his return for
a nearfall. Orton then decides to get elaborate and
wrap Cena up in the middle and top rope before
slapping on an Orton lock. He releases it when
Cena's good and purple and stares down the dying
Cena on the mat before setting up for the punt that
just absolutely misses, but as has happened in the
past, the air coming off that speeding foot is
enough to knock a man unconscious and even put him
out of action for weeks, and so it's certainly
enough to get the pinfall here.
Winner and NEW WWE
Champion : Randy Orton
Orton takes his leave as
Cena looks on in a defeated way, a way that just
might say “I won't bitch about this tomorrow night
on Raw, I'll simply admit you were the better man
and go on to do something else for a while.” And
then give him an FU, just because. Orton stares at
Cena from the ramp as he leaves with his glittery
new old belt and I gotta say, I liked Orton in this
match. He had a few pretty cool moves I didn't talk
about and just generally did an allright job at
everything, I don't know. He's a good asshole. We
are told by the announcers that the reason Cena is
already conscious and not dead like everyone else is
because Orton's leg was weakened by the STFU and so
the punt didn't carry it's usual force. Yes, that
really is the bullshit JR is trying to feed us here.
I DON'T CARE IF HE'S NOT EVEN CALLING THIS MATCH.
FUCK HIM. <3 Jimmy.
In the back now we have
Josh Matthews interviewing...R Truth? Bonus match!
We are shown all of the surprise attacks made by
Drew McIntyre over the past few weeks on Smackdown.
I remember Drew McIntyre from like, what, a year or
two ago? He won like two matches with Dave Taylor in
his corner and then disappeared all this time. Why
the wait? Why postpone him for a year and a half?
Surely he didn't need all that time in
developmental. If he did, why the fuck did they sign
him to begin with? He's a skinny white guy. Anyway.
The point is he is here now to beat the big black
guy, like nature intended.
R
Truth vs Drew McIntyre
Truth does his whole rap
thing, I don't know I really hate it. Drew follows
with considerably less fanfare despite being named
the future of the WWE by Vince himself. Then again
the last guy Vince approved in such fashion was
Elijah Burke, and he proceeded to sit home and
collect a check for like a year and now wrestles for
TNA feuding with like Daivari and shit, I don't
know. I don't think Andariel Ha lo does either, to
be honest with you. As for the match itself,
ehhhhhh. Just a really quick go-nowhere Smackdown
filler type of match. Mac Daddy wins with a DDT that
won't be his finisher for very long.
Winner : What the FUCK
did I just get through saying?
Couldn't they have just
given this match's time to Taker-Punk? I mean giving
these guys PPV time is important, but so is not
bitching out one of your championship matches.
Speaking of which! The championship part, not the
bitched-out part.
United States Champion Kofi Kingston
vs Jack Swagger vs Miz
The Miz is out first to
be like “I'm about to win this title...it's a shame
I have to do it in JERSEY! Wh-where we're at! Where
you're from! Ha!” Yeah. Pretty lame promo, I'm not
gonna lie to you. He says the Ninja Turtles are here
because it's a sewer. I hate wrestling. Kofi takes
on all comers at the start, but THE NUMBERS GAME
becomes too much and Miz and Swagger double team the
champion. Tension builds as Swagger breaks up a Miz
pinning attempt, but they continue the amiable
beatdown until Miz betrays Swagger by whipping him
into Kofi in the corner and hitting his clothesline.
All Miz here as he hits the flying double axe handle
that he's been fucking amazing everyone with lately
and continuing to take on both guys at once until
Swagger and Kofi team up with a Dudley Device type
of move, with Kofi coming off with a crossbody for
two. Swagger takes a turn as alpha male (not Monty
Brown) but it breaks down and evens out soon enough
as you could say Swagger is having a
little...TROUBLE IN PARADISE. Skull Crushing Finale
on Kofi for two and it's a series of nearfalls until
Swagger plants Miz with the gutwrench powerbomb. He
looks to finish Kofi off as well but has a little
more...TROUBLE IN PARADISE and gets pinned for the
loss.
Winner and STILL US Champ
: Kofi Kingston
Okay match, short and
fast-paced, I just have to wonder when Kofi is going
to drop the title and to whom. I don't know, nothing
we haven't seen before lately with these guys, with
Miz shining a bit more. MAIN EVENT TIME.
Legacy vs Degeneration X
The Cell lowers once more
and DX breaks it down as they dance to the ring, but
Legacy jumps them before they make it. We get an
extended brawl all along the outside of the cell,
mostly suplexing and whipping and that type of
stuff. They pair off fighting into the crowd, Trips
and Dibiase and Michaels with Rhodes, with Rhodes
managing to sneak the chain that locks the Cell door
and punch Michaels' leg with it. He then goes to the
aid of his partner and gives Trips a shot of chain.
Double DDT followed by a Crossroads keep Trips down
for the time being as the PACK OF DOGS go back to
work on Michaels. They close the door on his leg,
because we've never seen Michaels kick with his
other leg, not ever. They get Michaels in the ring
and lock up the door as Trips is still dead on the
stage. The bell rings so I guess the match is
technically just starting, and Triple H will not be
competing. This is all turning out pretty awesome.
It's basically an
extended handicap match for a while with Legacy
working over Shawn's knee. HBK of course gets in the
little hope spots but repeatedly gets his ass put
down. Hunter eventually carries his broken ass down
to the Cell as Michaels lands a superkick on one of
the Ortons, but he gets taken back down and Trips is
still cut off from entry. HHH tries to hit the chain
on the door with a chair. What. This is like Mark
Henry ridiculous. Why not just go flick the referee
in the eye and take the spare key while he's
incapacitated? Legacy yell annoying shit at Trips,
taunting him by killing Michaels all over the ring.
Triple H is about to lose his shit, but then gets a
serene look of “Well hell” and walks back up the
ramp. Legacy crack up at this and taunt Michaels
with it. MIND GAMES. They also hurt him pretty bad
physically too as20Shawn looks both half-unconscious
and sad. Pray, bitch. This goes on for quite a while
and is vastly entertaining to me. I mean it, this is
even better than the Flair and Michaels vs Like Five
or Six Guys With One Being Edge that one time on
Smackdown. Michaels begins to show a glimmer of a
comeback but they stop that shit and decide to end
it with the Figure Four around the ringpost along
with the Million Dollar Dream, which is what put
Shawn away at Breaking Point.
Hunter then comes running
back down the ramp with a bolt cutter so Legacy
breaks their holds and look to finish it quick I
guess. Dream Street onto a chair but Trips is in and
you know kills everyone like he likes to do. A ref
tries to lock the door back up but Trips uses the
chain as a weapon on Dibiase before Pedigreeing his
ass down and throwing him out the door. He locks it
up and it's just DX with Cody Rhodes here.
Spinebuster sets him up for the flying elbow from
Michaels who is REBORN, with a chair around Cody's
neck. HHH takes a turn with a sledgehammer, nailing
him with it as Michaels simultaneously superkicked
him. Believe it or not, this is enough to put Cody
fucking Rhodes away.
Winners : DX
They break it down as the
Cell raises and Dibiase is in to tend to his
partner, but Shawn catches him with his foot as
well. We get all the usual x-shaped posturing from
here on out and all is right with the world. Except
nobody is bleeding. Goddamnit.