STRUTTIN' AND CUTTIN'
Well, the big story in the world of wrestling this week is the Jim Ross
ordeal. The story of palsy-gate is not an easy one to tell, and it doesn't seem like anyone knows the full story. Is Jim Ross
gone for good? How are the WWE going to play off his firing? And exactly how much barbeque do you have to eat in 53 years
to get a "blowed-up" colon?
The one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that Vince McMahon has
not handled this well. Granted, it's only been a week, but speculation is that Ross is done for a while. And if that's the
case, then this is a shitty way for him to go out. Work or not, the man deserves a bit more than a kick in the nuts and an
"off you go".
Jim Ross is popular, there's no doubt. And there's one sure fire way
for Vinnie to deal with this. In fact, I've devised a plan that would not only successfully remove Jim Ross from WWE television,
but also act as one of the biggest stories in WWE history.
Imagine this...it's Monday the 10th all over again. Vince McMahon comes
out and fires Rosey or Rene Dupree or some other useless talent. Then we have Jim Ross come to the ring...he thanks the fans
and he slurs some pleasantries before revealing that he can no longer act as the play-by-play man for Raw. You see...
Jim Ross has AIDS.
Could you imagine that!? The crowd would have NO idea how to react! You
can't boo someone because he has AIDS, and you're certainly not going to cheer. JR begins to tear up and says goodbye as 15,000
people are in complete silence. Jim Ross has AIDS, and your entire world is turning upside down.
Now, instead of all this garbage about the way Vince handled JR's "release",
you've got the fans asking all the right questions. You post some interviews on WWE.com with doctors and JR's family, and
all of a sudden, nobody has any idea what to think! Does JR really have AIDS? How will the WWE react? And exactly how much
barbeque do you have to eat in 53 years to get a "blowed-up" colon AND the HIV virus?
Then there's the all important question: who gave Jim Ross AIDS?
That's the story of 2005 heading into the new year. You film some scenes
of JR at the doctor and give him time off. Meanwhile, Stone Cold can return under new pretenses: Steve Austin, Special Victims
Unit. He scowers the WWE locker room, looking for the culprit who infected JR. Superstars are questioned and beaten bloody
so Austin can bring some samples into that laboratory he used on Celebrity Deathmatch. New lewd details come out about Ross'
alternate lifestyle and sexual deviancy.
This could go so many different ways. Was Triple H just making the rounds
backstage and the condom broke while he was working JR over? Did Vinnie Mac force JR to do a little more than join the "kiss
my ass" club almost four years ago? The options are endless. And they're certainly a lot better than this plain firing scenario.
The wrestling industry has largely avoided terminal illness, but it can
work. They got close with Hawk years ago, but addiction is more funny than thoughtful. WCW pulled it off nicely with Jim Duggan,
but why did they give HIM cancer? I mean, those tears were convincing and that speech seemed so close to real, but give it
to DDP or Sting: someone the fans care about.
The WWE is missing the mark with this one. People don't say it enough,
but in this case, AIDS is the answer.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).