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Well, the big story in the world of wrestling this week is the Jim Ross ordeal. The story of palsy-gate is not an easy one to tell, and it doesn't seem like anyone knows the full story. Is Jim Ross gone for good? How are the WWE going to play off his firing? And exactly how much barbeque do you have to eat in 53 years to get a "blowed-up" colon?

The one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that Vince McMahon has not handled this well. Granted, it's only been a week, but speculation is that Ross is done for a while. And if that's the case, then this is a shitty way for him to go out. Work or not, the man deserves a bit more than a kick in the nuts and an "off you go".

Jim Ross is popular, there's no doubt. And there's one sure fire way for Vinnie to deal with this. In fact, I've devised a plan that would not only successfully remove Jim Ross from WWE television, but also act as one of the biggest stories in WWE history.

Imagine this...it's Monday the 10th all over again. Vince McMahon comes out and fires Rosey or Rene Dupree or some other useless talent. Then we have Jim Ross come to the ring...he thanks the fans and he slurs some pleasantries before revealing that he can no longer act as the play-by-play man for Raw. You see...

Jim Ross has AIDS.

Could you imagine that!? The crowd would have NO idea how to react! You can't boo someone because he has AIDS, and you're certainly not going to cheer. JR begins to tear up and says goodbye as 15,000 people are in complete silence. Jim Ross has AIDS, and your entire world is turning upside down.

Now, instead of all this garbage about the way Vince handled JR's "release", you've got the fans asking all the right questions. You post some interviews on WWE.com with doctors and JR's family, and all of a sudden, nobody has any idea what to think! Does JR really have AIDS? How will the WWE react? And exactly how much barbeque do you have to eat in 53 years to get a "blowed-up" colon AND the HIV virus?

Then there's the all important question: who gave Jim Ross AIDS?

That's the story of 2005 heading into the new year. You film some scenes of JR at the doctor and give him time off. Meanwhile, Stone Cold can return under new pretenses: Steve Austin, Special Victims Unit. He scowers the WWE locker room, looking for the culprit who infected JR. Superstars are questioned and beaten bloody so Austin can bring some samples into that laboratory he used on Celebrity Deathmatch. New lewd details come out about Ross' alternate lifestyle and sexual deviancy.

This could go so many different ways. Was Triple H just making the rounds backstage and the condom broke while he was working JR over? Did Vinnie Mac force JR to do a little more than join the "kiss my ass" club almost four years ago? The options are endless. And they're certainly a lot better than this plain firing scenario.

The wrestling industry has largely avoided terminal illness, but it can work. They got close with Hawk years ago, but addiction is more funny than thoughtful. WCW pulled it off nicely with Jim Duggan, but why did they give HIM cancer? I mean, those tears were convincing and that speech seemed so close to real, but give it to DDP or Sting: someone the fans care about.

The WWE is missing the mark with this one. People don't say it enough, but in this case, AIDS is the answer.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).