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GUEST COLUMN
GERSH
THE GERSH 

Thursday, September 15, 2005 12:00AM

RAW
IS GERSH
 
[Editor's Note: The following was SUPPOSED to be posted on Monday Night in Cameron Burge's absence, but lines were crossed, alcohol was drank, and someone (me, actually) posted a replacement RANT of his own first. However, being the good sports we are here at TWF, here is The Gersh's Rant in its entirety. Enjoy.]
 
Hey, all you wonderful people....and that one guy in the corner that no one loves (but come on....there's still your mom, right?). This is Cameron, your wonderful Raw recapper, but currently I'm engrosed in a world of Pig Races, Life Size Butter Statues, and Live Stock Competition that is the Kansas State Fair (sadly this is all true). In my place, instead of calling upon the venerable James Walker as I usually do, I've decided to switch it up a bit and leave you all in the hands of message board member, The Gersh. You see what being a faithful poster on the boards (and sucking up to me....and money) can get you? Take it away, Gersh (far far away).

Wow, what an introduction! I don't think anyone gives a crap about who I am, just know that I am a semi-regular poster on the TWF boards and most Mondays I chat over IM with Cameron and I usually get credited with at least one funny joke. I did not realize this would become enough to get to write the whole damn thing but well, here I am.

A quick rant of my own before I start. I just got home at 2:30am here in good 'ol NYC. I've been working on this indie film and we shot rather late. So Raw has been off the air close to four hours now but I planned ahead and did tape the show so without further adieu, here is my debut column for the Fan. I figured doing this in the middle of the night would be way more fun than tomorrow with the little sleep I am going on, and besides Sean and Cameron hired a guy who it sitting next to me with a gun to my head. If I don't make it through the show, this will be my first and last column. Let's get our Raw on!

Fireworks hit without the usual opening and we are in Little Rock, Arkansas. This is the last Raw before Unforgiven and you know what that means. Nothing new, nothing exciting. Well at least I don't have to recap Smackdown. First wrestler out is the largest athlete in the entire world, though I somehow doubt it, the Big Show. Then it's the Briefcase Bimbo (I think I know him!) and his slut Lita. Mmm smell the feces.

Big Show vs. Edge

Edge locks up from behind and Show knocks him down with his Big Butt. Basically early on Show is dominating with his size and strength. Big Show picks Edge up and drops him right in the grapefruits on the ropes. Then we get the Shush Chop which takes Edge out of the ring. Edge then starts attacking low which works at first, but then fails at a DDT attempt. Snitsky then runs in causing the DQ, soon followed by Matt Hardy. Then we get Bischoff who feels the need to remind us his name and that he is GM of Raw. Thank you Captain Obvious! He turns this to a tag match and it continues without even going to commercial.

Hardy takes out Edge with a flying forearm and then goes for a piledriver which Edge counters to a back body drop. Edge then misses a dropkick which Hardy uses as an opportunity for a monkey flip. You'd think a move like that would make the crowd go bananas (they can't all be gems folks). Show tags in, does some damage to Edge then tags Hardy back in. Hardy puts Edge on the top rope in the corner, tags in Show and he does his best place kicker impression by lining up and kicking a "field goal". And it's good! And we go to commercial...

Commercial Commentary: If you miss out on a meal with your grandmother because you were stoned, you probably did it on purpose. My grandmother has food in her house older than me!

Back to the show Edge has an arm lock on Matt Hardy which he breaks out of. Edge regains control and then tags in Snitsky. The way his beard is tied, it looks like a friendship bracelet or something. After doing some work on Matt's arm, he tags Edge, more arm work, then Snitsky back in. He goes for a slam which Hardy reverses and does a sort of reverse DDT. Snitsky manages to tag Edge back in. Hardy was unable to tag Show in but he comes in anyway, gives Edge a head butt and Snitsky a spine buster. Show then goes outside after Edge tries to kick him and gets hung up on the padded barrier. Edge then takes out Show with the briefcase (when the hell is he ever going to use that Money in the Bank anyway?). Hardy then does the move he took out Edge with a couple weeks ago to Snitsky (forgot the name). Then the second rope leg drop. Lita then grabs Matt's leg which gets him out of the ring to chase her. Lita is then in the ring, and Matt grabs her by the hair. Edge is back in and goes for the spear but Hardy kicks him. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate but Lita gives him the kick to the nads (that's three times someone got in in the crotch in this match, I bet Snitsky feels left out). Edge then delivers the spear and gets the pin.

Winners: Edge and Snitsky

Post match, Lita delivers a Twist of Fate on Matt. And the burial continues...

Random Comment by Gersh: I was there when the "You screwed Matt" chants started in MSG back in April. Now I'm having second thoughts.

Coach pimps later tonight we get Chris Masters vs Ric Flair as well as a Handicapped Match of John Cena vs. Kurt Angle and Tyson Tomko. Commercial time...

Commercial Commentary: "Venom" is this month's horror film with an unknown cast that doesn't have anything to distinguish it from next month's or last month's horror film.

HBK is out with Tard Grisham at the top of the ramp announcing him for some reason. Last week's Masterlock Challenge is shown which Masters broke voluntarily rather than allow Shawn to break it. Shawn seems a bit upset that he took the Challenge and never saw the money Masters usually offers. He said he did it because he is HBK (I think we know who you are by now). At this point he goes on and on about their Unforgiven match and I am unforgiving about this so-so promo. Michaels then mentions the Masterpiece will have his hands full with "WOOO! WOOO! WOOO!" which was Flair offstage with a mic and then he walks on continuing to "WOOO". Flair decides to repeat the exact same thing about having his hands full (well sure when you got to deal with those man boobs). He hopes Carlito is watching because on Sunday he's gonna become the one time Intercontinental Champion! Flair and HBK dance together as JR pimps the Handicapped Match and they show clips from the Eugene-Angle match from last week.

Go to commercial!

Back from commercial and the BEST ENTRANCE EVER with Kerwin White! And he's gonna wrestle! Kerwin selects a putter from his golf bag with a hanger. Umm, don't want to know what he's doing with Snitsky's hanger. He'll be facing Shelton Benjamin, who I have a bad feeling is about to be squashed lower into the midcard here.

Kerwin White vs. Shelton Benjamin

White's attire is hilarious, he has a light purple golf shirt and khaki shorts. Little back and forth to start off then Shelton picks up a nice scoop slam. Kerwin/Chavo (JR can't seem to remember which he is) comes back and hits a missile dropkick from the 2nd rope for a two count. White then goes for the hanger to which JR asks "is this a clothes hanger match?" Kerwin takes off his shirt ans chokes Benjamin with it. Benjamin then fights back and gets White into a Samoan Drop. Some back and forth punches and Benjamin picks up the pace and gets a snap back breaker and a two count. Benjamin then gives Kerwin some serious elevation on a back body drop but he gets Shelton back with a jaw breaker. Shelton then takes Kerwin out of the ring with a heel kick. Lawler says to JR because of him not being able to distinguish Chavo as Kerwin "this isn't a handicapped match, it's one guy!". Kind of funny actually. Kerwin then takes his golf club and whacks Shelton with it to get DQed.

Winner by DQ: Shelton Benjamin

Angle is shown backstage and like everyone else on this damn show tonight, he has to remind us of his history. Blah blah medals, former champ, blah blah. He's very intense here and he is talking to Cena and calling himself the "most vicious son of a bitch on earth". Time to pay the bills.

We get back with a recap of the pointless Torrie-Ashley match from last week. Torrie, Candice, and Victoria all come out and King sprays himself with Bod Man body spray. Could this be a shameless promo in the middle of the show? You don't say! Candice has the microphone. Not a good sign.

Ashley comes out by request of Candice with a surprise in store. I wonder how much longer Ashley's music will be this Audioslave song. WWE doesn't usually keep these songs too long. Torrie calls her Punky Brewster. Apparently Ashley has passed her initiation. Ooh give her a cookie! Ashley has a surprise of her own and it's TRISH!!! Just by default this is the best diva segment in months. Trish goes after Victoria and chaos ensues. The only thing that sucks about this is Trish has obviously turned face again. She was SO good as a heel, but I guess they're desperate to get Ashley over. Flair-Masters is next and we go to commercial.

Commercial Commentary: "Cry_Wolf", another of these horror of the month movies although using the internet does make it a tad creepy.

The 16 time champion enters the arena and there's actually a sign that says "WHOOOOOOOO". Now for the current longest entrance on Raw until HHH comes back which Coach demands quiet for. They keep pointing out Masters is 22 years old. Great make me feel old, thanks a lot jerks.

Ric Flair vs. Chris Masters (Boobs vs Pecs)

A few lockups and Masters shows his strength is his best asset by knocking Flair to the mat. Flair mocks the Masterpiece by doing a pose, but it don't work so well with flab. Masters then does a military press slam on Flair and follows with another. He then goes for the MASTERfull Nelson but Flair goes outside the apron, but Masters suplexes him back in and gets a two count on a pin attempt. Flair fights back with chops and you have to wonder if his offense is even more minimal than Hogan. Masters responds with chops of his own. Flair gives the thumb to the eye and knocks Masters down with another chop. Naitch should consider opening a steakhouse with all these chops. He then goes to the top rope and of course gets slammed off it. It hasn't worked for Flair ever, even though King claims he's seen it work once or twice. MASTERfull Nelson attempt which Flair counters but Masters knocks him out of the ring. Flair pulls Chris out and throws him into the ring barrier. Masters then delivers a side slam on the floor and we go to commercial.

Commercial Commentary: I'm surprised McDonald's still does contests after that Monopoly scandal. If you want to stop eating there, just watch Super Size Me.

Back to the show and Masters has Flair in a bear hug. He then moves him to the corner and delivers some shoulder blocks. Another bear hug and the squeeze is on. Flair breaks out by biting the nose but Masters puts the bear hug right back on. The ref raises his arm three times and of course the third time he keeps it up and he makes Masters break the hold. Flair takes Masters out with a chop block and continues to work on his legs, and we all know what he is setting up for. A few punches, chops and another nose bite and manages to lock in the figure four. Carlito runs in and hits the Nature Boy with the belt causing another fucking DQ (third one tonight).

Winner by DQ: Ric Flair

Post match, HBK comes out and helps Flair and takes out Carlito with Sweet Chin Music but Masters comes back in and gets the MASTERfull Nelson on HBK. Now for the Smackdown Rebound. New night, same crap. And actually here in NYC, it's going to be on Saturday all month because they show Yankees games on UPN on Friday. I don't know what I dislike more, the Yankees or Smackdown. Let's get to a commercial.

Commercial Commentary: They keep showing the same damn commercials over and over. I've seen that M-azing commercial like 5 times tonight!

Back to the show and they reveal the top four fantasy players and my entry "This Is How We Roll!" was not among them. Maybe because I haven't really checked it after the second week?

Eugene and Tajiri are in the ring together and they're set to lose, er wrestle Cade and Murdoch.

Smoking Gunns 2.0 (Cade/Murdoch) vs. Eujiri (best I could come up with)

Cade/Murdoch have a title shot at Unforgiven against Hurricane and Rosey, and my guess is they follow MNM's footsteps and win their first title shot. Murdoch gets a headlock on Tajiri. Tajiri gets a few kicks in and Murdoch tags in Cade. I'm curious if his name is Garrison or Lance. Actually I don't care. Cade gets a wrist lock on Eugene as he was just tagged in but he breaks it and gets an airplane spin. Murdoch interferes and bites Murdoch in the ass like JYD and then rides Cade like a horse. Murdoch tags back in and gets the upper hand. Tags back and forth with more damage on Eugene and I chuckle as Coach mocks the Oklahoma Sooners football record. If you ever read the Ross Report on WWE's site, he seems to spend a little too much time talking about it. Eugene fights back and gets a stunner on Murdoch. Both teams tag and Tajiri is on fire with kicks and locks in the Tarantula on Cade but Murdoch takes him out. With the ref distracted, Murdoch gets a sit down power bomb (same move as A-Train I believe) followed by a top rope elbow from Cade for the win.

Winners: Cade and Murdoch

After commercials, Edge and Lita are at the top of the ramp. Lita's screechingly annoying voice blabbers on and I'm pretty much just staring at her rack. They both mock his resilience. I'm noticing Edge's haircut is short like Jericho's was, and well it looks pretty umm boy band-ish. I'm extremely bored and as is common with their promos it ends with a juicy kiss.

A review of the Unforgiven lineup and this marks the 47th consecutive pay per view I have no interest in ordering because there is not one match I want to see.

Bischoff is seen on his phone and "the champ is here". Cena tries to be professional and doesn't want to deal with the pressure anymore and basically gives up. I smell swerve and my nose is correct. Cena can't believe EZE fell for it and he talks about what he'll do tonight and on Sunday including a cheap pop for Little Rock. Angle is on his way to the ring with red, white and blue mouthpiece in tow. Main event is next.

Tomko has entered the ring during the break, and here comes Cena. There's a sign that says "Cena Can't Rap". Actually he can, so shut up moron. This is a pretty stupid crowd tonight.

John Cena vs. Kurt Angle and Tyson Tomko (Handicapped Match)

Bischoff comes out which distracts Cena but Tomko gets taken down by Cena anyway. Angle gets a cheap shot and then tags in. Cena regains control and gets a side slam on Angle. Kurt does a "un-Olympic like" eye rake and tags in Tomko. Cena continues his offense and has to deal with both men in the ring at once. All three men are down and recovering so we get a commercial.

We're back and Angle is in control. After some kicks he does the Randy Orton chinlock. Angle continues his dominant offense and tags in Tomko who gives Cena a powerslam but Cena kicks out of the pin. Cena bounces back and hits a flying forearm on Tomko and then drives his shoulder into him in the corner. Ref tries to get them out of the corner and Angle sneaks in and gets a German suplex. He then tags in and continues the beat down. Bischoff continues to watch with a smile. Tags trade off and many pin attempts but Cena keeps kicking out. Cena breaks out of a chinlock with a suplex and both men are down. Tomko tags in but Cena goes nuts and delivers all kinds of offense. He has the Problem Solver set up for the FU but Angle gives a German suplex while Cena is holding Tomko! Nice move there. Angle goes for a suplex but Cena breaks and Tomko accidentally takes out Angle with a big kick. FU to Tomko for the win.

Winner: John Cena

Post match Angle attacks Cena encouraged by Bischoff. He delivers an Angle Slam followed by a knee to the groin, an ankle to the post and holds him down while Bischoff yells in Cena's face. Angle is on the ramp and has the staredown with a hurt Cena as we go off the air.

All in all, a weak show as usual. The last shows before PPV's are almost always boring because there are no surprises and all the run ins are easy to predict.

Highlight: Nice to see Trish back and also good to finally see Kerwin White wrestle.

Lowlight: Too many DQ's tonight and not worth staying up late for.

Thanks to Cameron and Sean for the opportunity even though I just now found out Sean did the Rant himself because he wasn't sure if I was going to come through or not. Oh well, I'm off to sleep now. 5am in the fucking morning and nothing to show for it. Oh well. Thanks for reading.

The Gersh

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).