Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
GUEST COLUMN
REMY
Sunday, July 10, 2005 12:00AM

The Demented Diatribe of Doom
 
WWE’s Updated Health and Safety Policy
 
Greetings! This is the Demented Diatribe of Doom, and I will be your host through this (mostly) entertaining and (somewhat) funny look at WWE’s health and safety policy, (functionally retarded) Remy. And while I am Canadian, I do not bear any relation to the infamous Canadian Bacon (aside from the same birth parents).
 
 Now, it is well known that wrestlers suffer from a variety of health problems, and as such, it is crucial that the WWE has a rigorously maintained health and safety policy. This policy covers what benefits WWE employees can expect to receive as a part of their individual contracts. You see, for many, special provisions had to be made in their unique contracts. This memo, intercepted thanks to my mad hacking skills (or completely fabricated while overdosing on root beer), contains these said specific provisions for several of the WWE’s top wrestlers. Now, here it is in its entirety (with some stuff left out):
 

From: Vincent K. McMahon
To: WWE staff
 
To whom it may concern,
 
 This is an updated list of all of our specialty coverage, written differently into many of the contracts. For personal reasons, we initially planned on sending the pertinent information to only those whom it concerned; however, for cost-cutting reasons we decided to send it en mass. Logically, we assume that much of this will be used as fodder for promos, and thus, used to make us more money. Add to that the fact that Lita’s STD information just so happens to apply to rest of the locker room (and ¾’s of Mexico) and … well, I’m the boss, I don’t have to justify anything, damnit. So, without further ado, here is each person’s specific coverage:
 
 Ric Flair: As of late, Ric has required special medical equipment in order to function normally. This special piece of supportive clothing has been termed a “bro,” or “manzier.” This is necessary due to Ric’s senility, which has caused him to “force” HHH to breast feed, resulting in much saggage. Incidentally, this breast-feeding has also led to a severe case of gout in HHH. This was initially dismissed, as WWE management thought that HHH sucking on Flair’s teat was a euphemism for Flair’s tutelage, and not meant to be taken literally. As another sidebar to this situation, it has recently been reported that HHH simply could not tell the difference between Flair and Steph. We feel that his eyes need to be checked, especially when you consider that at one point he also thought Chyna was a woman.
 
 Carlito Caribbean Cool: For the most part, this young man is healthy as a horse. Unfortunately, he would be more marketable as said horse. His main health problem is that he is from the Caribbean, which makes him, as far as my research has indicated, Mexican or something. For the time being we are exaggerating this feature as a gimmick, but hopefully we’ll find a cure before the fans realize that he really is not white.
 
 Shelton Benjamin: Also Mexican.
 
 John Cena: Requires regular painting to hide his “Mexican-ness.” This may be a possible solution for Carlito and Benjamin as well.
 
 Tyson Tomko: Tyson is currently suffering from severe depression. As we have seen recently, his former employer, Christian, has been traded to Smackdown, leaving Tomko behind. We believe, at the present time, that Tyson is depressed because he now no longer has a gimmick. This kid is a hoss though, no doubt, so we’re putting all our effort into fixing this situation. As a matter of fact, we’ve already got an excellent lead. According to our own website, Tyson has “spent more than 100 hours getting a series of tattoos dedicated to his Blackfoot Indian heritage.” Tomko’s spirits will surely improve once we incorporate this into his character, making him … the son of Tatanka!
 
Lilian Garcia: Well, lets just say that it’s nothing good ‘ol Snitsky can’t fix. This will also make an excellent angle on Raw, it’s a win/win situation … well, except for Lilian.
 
 Chris Masters: Severely constipated. That face he makes while applying the “Master Lock” says it all. Fortunately, he is a relative newcomer to the WWE, and as such, is still waiting for his hazing into the fraternal brotherhood of wrestlers. We are confident that our own JBL can route out both of these problems in one fell swoop. Soon, Masters will be as regular as can be, and will finally feel like “one of the boys,” or, he’ll be feeling Bradshaw’s boys, I can’t remember which.
 
 Tajiri: He’s French. More research is needed.
 
   Stone Cold Steve Austin: Steve suffers from a chronic pain, either in his left or right hand, whenever one of his ex-wives or girlfriends is around. An application of JR’s BBQ sauce seems to do the trick. Unfortunately, this must be administered as a suppository.
 
Kerwin White: Cured.
 
 For the time being that concludes this memo. Watch your inboxes for the Smackdown! version, which is soon to be sent to all WWE employees as well. Yours truly,
 
Vincent K. McMahon
 

 Well, there you have it, folks. It was no secret that wrestlers suffered from a variety of ills, but even I had no idea it was THIS horrible. It is clear to me now that they require such high salaries just to manage the mental anguish that must accompany such debilitating medical conditions. It is reassuring to see that the WWE appears to have a handle on it though. God bless you Vince!
 
 So, thanks to all who actually read this whole damned thing. It must have been truly good if you got this far (or else it’s 3 am, you’re munching cheetos, and had nothing better to do because your parents installed “net nanny”). Salutations, and until next time, I remain,  
 
Remy

 
 

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

*Pics & logos created by Sean Carless.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).