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Terminator: Cenation

by Martin Ferguson

 

Similar to the way Wolverine leaked before it came out, now Terminator has accidentally dropped its opening scene on the world. Only it's not actually the opening scene at all and is instead a cheap, unfunny parody that will mostly get my ass sued and make you end your own life. Enjoy!

 

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The year is 2009, and a robotic presence has swept the land. A hivemind that has won the War of Raw and now hopes to conquer the Land of Extreme en route to controlling the whole of the WWE Universe. A small group of fighters is all that continues to resist under the guidance of their leader, the Miz...

 

Kofi Kingston: Yo, mon, lemme hitcha up wif a little somefin'.

 

The Miz: Shoot.

 

Kofi: Jericho went and roped up onea their guys. Roped 'im up like a farmer ropes up a snake in his suga cane field.

 

Miz: Why the hell are you sounding like Hermes?

 

Kofi: I'm a fakin' Jamaican, mon. Leave it.

 

Miz: Jamacian me want to kill myself.

 

[The two head off in the direction of the prisoner. Along the way, Tyson Kidd crosses by them and is immediately stopped by Miz.]

 

Miz: What the fuck do you think you're doing?

 

Tyson Kidd: I was just going to see if Punk had any extra --

 

Miz: I'll kick your fucking ass! I want you off the fucking set, you prick!

 

Kidd: Look, I'm sorry, but I--

 

Miz: No, don't just be sorry, think for one fucking second! What the fuck are you doing?

 

[Kidd gets kneed in the face and hit with the Reality Check, which is okay because since they're both heels they'll be friends again in 20 minutes.]

 

Miz: Hoo-rah!

 

[Miz and Kofi reach a table, to which John Cena is strapped. Gathered around are Jack Swagger, Charlie Haas, and Chris Jericho.]

 

Jack Swagger: Jericho cathtured thith C-23 you thee on the table before you, and I only have one quethtion.

 

Miz: If Ortnet hoped to use him as a spy?

 

Swagger: No. Why in the hell are we following the Mith?

 

Miz: Why? Because.... I... am... AWESOME!

 

Haas: Nah, man, Morrison's the one who's awesome 'cause he made your ass good without taking 20 years to do it.


Miz: Shut it, darky.

 

Haas: I'm not--

 

Miz: See, this is why I wanted this resistance to be segregated. Stupid ethnic bastards thinking they can muscle in on real cool men like me, thuh Miz! See how I wear this bandana under a hat? Talk about crazy and ghetto!

 

Kofi: Ya, man, you can go ta hell.

 

[Kofi and Haas leave, and then Cena comes online, his eyes opening; Kidd comes in from somewhere, standing next to Miz and as heels do giving him a friendly pat on the back with a muted, politely declined offer to spoon.]

 

John Cena: I'm away? From the machines?

 

Miz: He thinks he's a technician...?

 

Cena: I am a technician.

 

Jericho: Cena, you deceive yourself. The maximum capability for a wrestling contest of significant quality is only available to you when there are no restrictions or regulations in place. That is to say --

 

Miz: That means you suck ass except when you've got weapons or D-X.

 

Cena: Come on, I'm basically the only guy in this company who uses submissions and has any success whatsoever with them. Frankly I'm the only one who doesn't look like a jackass when I do it.

 

Kidd: Come on, Natalya?

 

Cena: She's a Diva, who gives a shit?

 

Swagger: Dammit, he'th right.

 

Cena: Besides, when I get hurt I'm basically like Wolverine in how I recover from being nuked in about 20 minutes. If I was one of the machines I would take a year off for stubbing my toe into a door.

 

Miz: He's right... I think we can trust him after all, then. Cena, as long as you are with us we may as well assign you with an important task.

 

Jericho: A fortnight has passed since the Leviathan -

 

Miz: Dave will work.

 

Jericho: - took John Morrison, the reflection of intelligence, fiercity, and mystique that pushed the likes of Jim Morrison to waver in the collective frontal lobe of the hypocrites and liars to this day, but in a greater package designed to pertain more to our 21st-century way of living. You may know him best as the Tuesday Night Delight Who Works On Fridays.

 

Cena: And...?

 

Miz: We need him to go back in time and ensure Joey Mercury's face explodes. If one of Ortnet's machines prevents this, I will never come to be.

 

Cena: Seriously? Hell, unstrap me and I will go kill the guy and do the world an enormous favor.

 

Miz: Nah, I'm lying my ass off. Time travel, seriously? Truth is, Morrison's just cool to have around because all of that slow-mo makes our fight scenes really badass.

 

Cena: Right.

 

Miz: And getting it without him is kind of expensive.

 

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Predator without Mark Henry jokes? Egad, you must be saying! Well, have no fear... I don't give a shit what you think. Go away. You're all horrible, and I hope you all fucking die in the most vicious, most prolounged death since that of the Simpsons. I really, truly wish every one of you is forcefed his or her own entrails twenty times over while Superman flies overhead with the express purpose of shitting on you.

 

Well, cheers, and may life treat you well!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).