WACKY VIDEO GAME REVIEW: WWF BETRAYAL (04/21/08) By DUEL. Hello once again, wrestling fans and
Wrestling Fan fans. You may not remember me, I don’t blame you. I only did that one guest column that one time. Now
the one-hit wonder is back for another shot at the top! And we all know how good one hit wonders are in their comebacks! Yeah.
I’m duel, and I don’t have much more to say, so on to the back story~! I was searching through my old things
the other day in one of my very rare room-cleanings, getting rid of shit I didn’t want or need, reminiscing of the days
I was naive and didn’t frequently view TWF (there may be a connection between my loss of naivety and TheWrestlingFan,
but I never looked into it) and came across my Gameboy Color. ‘Oh how I loved to play Pokemon on this thing for hours
on end’ I thought to myself as I dusted off the screen because I left it on the floor and completely forgot about it.
I soon realized that in the back of the little handheld console was a game. A game so hilariously below-average that, looking
back on it now, I never knew why I liked this game so much. It is none other than the widely unknown WWF BETRAYAL, one of
the only wrestling games that takes wrestlers outside of the ring. Playing this game brings up the realization that nothing
WWE has done outside of wrestling has ever been as successful as their work in the squared circle. But, in my mark days, this
was fun as hell. Now that all of that’s out of the way, I’ll take you deep into this little wrestling adventure.
If you have a copy of the game, please feel free to… Nah, of course you don’t. First up, you have the menu with just
has New and Continue options, along with some classic polyphonic Gameboy music. Oh joy. For this game, like plenty of others
in it’s time, you needed a password, given at the end of completed stages, to access these levels you’ve completed
so you don’t have to start from the beginning. In other wrestling games, you get a wide
variety of choice in which WWE Superstars you get to take control of and fight anyway you want. In WWF Betrayal, you get four.
That’s right, four. I mean, this may be a Gameboy game, not as much room for characters as the PlayStation or Nintendo
64, but four? I mean, the old Nintendo games had more characters than this. At least it’s the four top Superstars of
the WWE at this time period: Stone Cold, Rock, ‘Taker and ‘Trips. Take your time in choosing and pick wisely,
it has [s]very little[/s] [i]a Now we delve into the story. I will assume
that you picked Triple H, just like WWE would, and I will be writing like that for the rest of this article. And I’m
completely spoiling the game too, so if you want to buy yerself a copy of this game and not be… oh, of course you’re
not. We begin this saga in the ring, as Triple H has “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, who we have to suppose is the
WWF Champion at the time, “on the ropes”, as our Play-by-play man known as “Announcer” helpfully gets
us up to speed with what’s going on. What happened to J.R? I waited for “Puppies!”, but it never came. WHAT’S
THIS?! Someone threw a steel trash can at an unsuspecting Triple H from outside the ring. That must have been a pretty good
throw to daze H long enough for You play Triple H (or whoever the hell
you’re playing), former World champion, screwed out of his title reign and out for revenge like Sylvester Stallone in
all of his movies only with more steroids and a need to give 10-minute speeches every day making sure you know ‘Just
who in the hell he is’. At your disposal; a wide repertoire of technically sound moves especially catered to Triple
H’s style of wrestling, including punches, kicks, more punches and the DEVASTATING PEDIGREE! Sounds like Triple H alright.
If you’ve ever wondered what a pedigree would do to you outside of the arena, here’s the answer: you flash and
disappear. That’s how fucking powerful it is, so don’t fuck with Triple H. He’s that damn good, you know.
Now that you have control, you come across two men. One of which of pretty large, and looks like he wants to rip Triple H’s
guts out, decapitate him and keep his head as a trophy to show all his friends while throwing his rotting carcass to the wolves.
That can only mean one thing: IT’S AN INTERNET WRESTLING FAN! http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c244/duelmonster1/typicalwrestlingfan.jpg
Triple H disposes of these two quickly with his amazingly vast moveset and moves on to a meeting with Vince McMahon, looking
sharp and not-at-all pumped with steroids as he usually is. Vinnie Mac explains that for reasons unexplained, the crew of
the wrestlers you didn’t choose in the beginning had kidnapped Stephanie McMahon, to which Trips responds “NO!
MY PUSH!” Ok, he didn’t say that last bit. So the completely straightforward and not filled with backstabbing
plot begins. Though, Vince neglects to mention that he locked the rest of the Superstars in a large cellar so they would not
take up Triple H’s airtime. As your conversation with the boss ends,
Vince nonchalantly walks away, as if everything were just fine. A clue? Probably not. From here, you take Triple H and his
very homosexual walk down straightforward paths, fighting everyone who, for whatever reason, wants to stop you from proceeding.
But you’re a Main Eventer of a wrestling show! A bunch of non-wrestlers and the following murder lawsuits being filed
from the family members of the people you beat to death will not stop you! Your wife is in danger and is probably being gang
raped several times over by now, and you need to save her. Nobody else who’s job is to solve these kinds of cases are
not going to do anything! Because you’re doing so much walking, you’re bound to get tired. Smash open lockers
that are there for some reason to restore health and move on. As you continue on, more types of villains will come into the
mix. Police will shock you with tasers. And not the good Big Bossman type of policeman! Mechanics will attack you with spanners.
Street thugs will attack you with lead pipes. But these aren’t enough to stop a former WWE Champion! Trips valiant fights
against the odds because John Cena wasn’t around when this game was made, until he makes it to the first boss: The man
who costed Trips his title, the Rock. Once you finish hospitalizing these thugs,
it’s time for a real challenge! We go into a cut scene of The Rock and The Undertaker, chucking Stephanie into the trunk
of a limousine. Instead of ‘Taker and Rocky doing the obviously stupid thing and tackling H at the same time, Rock insists
that ‘Taker get out of there and he will catch up once he’s done taking care of the Game. The Limousine trunk
door shuts magically and the Deadman drives to parts unknown, hopefully to go say kick Warrior’s ass. I mean, Heath
Ledger dies once and Warrior said so much shit about him. What would he say to a guy who has died several fucking times now?!
Anyway, if you’re playing along at home, I hope you’ve learn the intricate and sophisticated controls that make
Smackdown! Vs. RAW 2008 look like the puzzle where you put the shapes into the corresponding holes, because this is a doozy.
From here, you get the best version of The Rock’s theme ever created (I could jam to it all day) as Triple H tries his
best to kick Rocky’s candy ass, and then taste it to see if it really does taste like candy. If you somehow get by The
Rock’s well-coordinated tactic of punching, kicking and Rock Bottoming you, you get a nifty little level complete sound
and it fades to black. Repeat what I’ve just said for every other level in this game. I will skip through and talk about
the next boss battle for now. Now that Triple H has fought through
a subway and beaten all who stand before him and I didn’t detail this not because I got lazy and used passwords, we’re
now onto fighting the Undertaker, who responds to Triple H’s arrival ”try me and I’ll make you famous”.
Silly ‘Taker, taker is already famous. You can’t make him more famous than he already is. Obviously Triple H kicks
his ass, even if it does take [s]me[/s] [i]him[/i] several tries to do it. The Deadman, like the pussy he is, tells H that
Steph was taken to Now we’re in Finally get to kick CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE THE CHAMPION
AGAIN! NOW GO OUT THERE AND USE THE SKILLS YOU HAVE LEARNED PLAYING THIS GAME TO GET A FUCKING LIFE! Credits, more polyphonic
music and we’re done. The best part of this game is that you
only need to play through it once. All of the stories are the same! Change some dialogue and you have a different story. Now
that you’ve beaten the game (Or I’ve beaten the game, you lazy bastard) you can play around with God Mode: 4232.
In this nifty little selection, you have access all of the music in the game, including Triple H’s song that is absolutely
nothing like any of his actual songs, go directly to levels instead of typing in passwords and a whole lot of other not-so-fun
stuff. I don’t recommend the game unless
you can find it cheap or download it illegally. It gets annoying quickly. Once you’ve played through it, there’s
nothing left unless you want to see dialogue for other superstars. If they doubled the wrestler count, this game would be
a bit better. It’s fun while it last, and you can laugh at how stupid the game is while you play. I’ve already
explained it for you, so unless you want the real experience playing… of course you don’t. I’m not Sean.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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