WACKY VIDEO GAME REVIEW: WWF BETRAYAL

(04/21/08)

By DUEL.

 

Hello once again, wrestling fans and Wrestling Fan fans. You may not remember me, I don’t blame you. I only did that one guest column that one time. Now the one-hit wonder is back for another shot at the top! And we all know how good one hit wonders are in their comebacks! Yeah. I’m duel, and I don’t have much more to say, so on to the back story~!

 

I was searching through my old things the other day in one of my very rare room-cleanings, getting rid of shit I didn’t want or need, reminiscing of the days I was naive and didn’t frequently view TWF (there may be a connection between my loss of naivety and TheWrestlingFan, but I never looked into it) and came across my Gameboy Color. ‘Oh how I loved to play Pokemon on this thing for hours on end’ I thought to myself as I dusted off the screen because I left it on the floor and completely forgot about it. I soon realized that in the back of the little handheld console was a game. A game so hilariously below-average that, looking back on it now, I never knew why I liked this game so much. It is none other than the widely unknown WWF BETRAYAL, one of the only wrestling games that takes wrestlers outside of the ring. Playing this game brings up the realization that nothing WWE has done outside of wrestling has ever been as successful as their work in the squared circle. But, in my mark days, this was fun as hell. Now that all of that’s out of the way, I’ll take you deep into this little wrestling adventure. If you have a copy of the game, please feel free to… Nah, of course you don’t.

 

First up, you have the menu with just has New and Continue options, along with some classic polyphonic Gameboy music. Oh joy. For this game, like plenty of others in it’s time, you needed a password, given at the end of completed stages, to access these levels you’ve completed so you don’t have to start from the beginning.

 

In other wrestling games, you get a wide variety of choice in which WWE Superstars you get to take control of and fight anyway you want. In WWF Betrayal, you get four. That’s right, four. I mean, this may be a Gameboy game, not as much room for characters as the PlayStation or Nintendo 64, but four? I mean, the old Nintendo games had more characters than this. At least it’s the four top Superstars of the WWE at this time period: Stone Cold, Rock, ‘Taker and ‘Trips. Take your time in choosing and pick wisely, it has [s]very little[/s] [i]a LOT[/i] to do with how the story is played out. For the sake of Sean Carless and his bet that he will not make any jokes about the man or be forced to retire, I will take on Triple H. I can still make jokes, can’t I? Good. I will carry on with the old recycled jokes when Sean cannot; it’s what he would want!

 

Now we delve into the story. I will assume that you picked Triple H, just like WWE would, and I will be writing like that for the rest of this article. And I’m completely spoiling the game too, so if you want to buy yerself a copy of this game and not be… oh, of course you’re not. We begin this saga in the ring, as Triple H has “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, who we have to suppose is the WWF Champion at the time, “on the ropes”, as our Play-by-play man known as “Announcer” helpfully gets us up to speed with what’s going on. What happened to J.R? I waited for “Puppies!”, but it never came. WHAT’S THIS?! Someone threw a steel trash can at an unsuspecting Triple H from outside the ring. That must have been a pretty good throw to daze H long enough for Austin to come back from defeat and hit his patented Stone Cold Stunner onto poor Trips. Feel sorry for him, everyone. Then it is revealed as being the dirty work of none other than THE ROCK –cue Soap-Opera Dramatic noise- NO! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US ROCK! WE LOVED YOU SO MUCH! Rock trash talks H, then runs away. Then Stone Cold gets out of the ring, saying “I know how to play the Game…” before running away in the exact same way The Rock did. I guess the years of training and experience really helps you play “the Game” that you earn a living for, eh Steve? We don’t know if H was pinned, or a DQ was called, though it doesn’t matter much. All that matters is Trips is pissed and out for revenge. Now it’s time to play the game (TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAME, UWAHAHAHA!!).

 

You play Triple H (or whoever the hell you’re playing), former World champion, screwed out of his title reign and out for revenge like Sylvester Stallone in all of his movies only with more steroids and a need to give 10-minute speeches every day making sure you know ‘Just who in the hell he is’. At your disposal; a wide repertoire of technically sound moves especially catered to Triple H’s style of wrestling, including punches, kicks, more punches and the DEVASTATING PEDIGREE! Sounds like Triple H alright. If you’ve ever wondered what a pedigree would do to you outside of the arena, here’s the answer: you flash and disappear. That’s how fucking powerful it is, so don’t fuck with Triple H. He’s that damn good, you know. Now that you have control, you come across two men. One of which of pretty large, and looks like he wants to rip Triple H’s guts out, decapitate him and keep his head as a trophy to show all his friends while throwing his rotting carcass to the wolves. That can only mean one thing: IT’S AN INTERNET WRESTLING FAN! http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c244/duelmonster1/typicalwrestlingfan.jpg Triple H disposes of these two quickly with his amazingly vast moveset and moves on to a meeting with Vince McMahon, looking sharp and not-at-all pumped with steroids as he usually is. Vinnie Mac explains that for reasons unexplained, the crew of the wrestlers you didn’t choose in the beginning had kidnapped Stephanie McMahon, to which Trips responds “NO! MY PUSH!” Ok, he didn’t say that last bit. So the completely straightforward and not filled with backstabbing plot begins. Though, Vince neglects to mention that he locked the rest of the Superstars in a large cellar so they would not take up Triple H’s airtime.

 

As your conversation with the boss ends, Vince nonchalantly walks away, as if everything were just fine. A clue? Probably not. From here, you take Triple H and his very homosexual walk down straightforward paths, fighting everyone who, for whatever reason, wants to stop you from proceeding. But you’re a Main Eventer of a wrestling show! A bunch of non-wrestlers and the following murder lawsuits being filed from the family members of the people you beat to death will not stop you! Your wife is in danger and is probably being gang raped several times over by now, and you need to save her. Nobody else who’s job is to solve these kinds of cases are not going to do anything! Because you’re doing so much walking, you’re bound to get tired. Smash open lockers that are there for some reason to restore health and move on. As you continue on, more types of villains will come into the mix. Police will shock you with tasers. And not the good Big Bossman type of policeman! Mechanics will attack you with spanners. Street thugs will attack you with lead pipes. But these aren’t enough to stop a former WWE Champion! Trips valiant fights against the odds because John Cena wasn’t around when this game was made, until he makes it to the first boss: The man who costed Trips his title, the Rock.

 

Once you finish hospitalizing these thugs, it’s time for a real challenge! We go into a cut scene of The Rock and The Undertaker, chucking Stephanie into the trunk of a limousine. Instead of ‘Taker and Rocky doing the obviously stupid thing and tackling H at the same time, Rock insists that ‘Taker get out of there and he will catch up once he’s done taking care of the Game. The Limousine trunk door shuts magically and the Deadman drives to parts unknown, hopefully to go say kick Warrior’s ass. I mean, Heath Ledger dies once and Warrior said so much shit about him. What would he say to a guy who has died several fucking times now?! Anyway, if you’re playing along at home, I hope you’ve learn the intricate and sophisticated controls that make Smackdown! Vs. RAW 2008 look like the puzzle where you put the shapes into the corresponding holes, because this is a doozy. From here, you get the best version of The Rock’s theme ever created (I could jam to it all day) as Triple H tries his best to kick Rocky’s candy ass, and then taste it to see if it really does taste like candy. If you somehow get by The Rock’s well-coordinated tactic of punching, kicking and Rock Bottoming you, you get a nifty little level complete sound and it fades to black. Repeat what I’ve just said for every other level in this game. I will skip through and talk about the next boss battle for now.

 

Now that Triple H has fought through a subway and beaten all who stand before him and I didn’t detail this not because I got lazy and used passwords, we’re now onto fighting the Undertaker, who responds to Triple H’s arrival ”try me and I’ll make you famous”. Silly ‘Taker, taker is already famous. You can’t make him more famous than he already is. Obviously Triple H kicks his ass, even if it does take [s]me[/s] [i]him[/i] several tries to do it. The Deadman, like the pussy he is, tells H that Steph was taken to Titan Towers instead of keeping his mouth shut. Expect to be at the bottom of some river in Stamford with cement shoes for squealing, ‘Taker! Triple H responds “You’d better be right, or you really will be a Deadman”. Wait, he’s not really dead?! You did to my mind what Pat Patterson did to Sylvan when he was still employed: You blew it. From wherever we are now, we must be pretty close to Titan Towers!

 

Now we’re in Titan Towers. Probably the funniest part of this entire game happens here. As you delve deeper into the tower, you stumble across a guy with a suitcase. Doesn’t look harmless? Think again! His suitcase shoots bullets! Why the hell would there be a guy who’s suitcase shoots bullets be working for Vince?! The best part is that not even bullets can kill a WWE Main Eventer! They may hurt, but it would take a hell of a lot of skin-and-bone-piercing projectiles to take down The Game! Game Over? NEVER! Oh man, I’m sorry, I was wrong. There’s something better. GYMNAST HOOKERS! They attack you with a flying kick then backflip out of the way! How awesome is that?! Who the hell has martial arts-trained Gymnast Hookers in their fucking MAIN OFFICE?! http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c244/duelmonster1/Hookerandsuitcase.jpg I’m guessing it was all John Laurinaatis’ idea. I want a desk job in WWE so bad right now. If I get one, maybe I’ll meet “Announcer”. Triple H overpowers her feminine wiles though, and kicks woman ass. That’s equal opportunity at work people. WHAT THE HELL?! WHERE DID THE ROCK COME FROM?! Somehow he got there BEFORE Triple H did. He is easily beaten though.

 

Finally get to kick Austin’s ass… wait a minute! It’s Vince! Vince was behind it all along! SWERVE! They don’t call this game WWF Betrayal for nothing! A magic ladder appears out of nowhere and Austin takes Steph up to the roof. Just when we think we’re going to fulfill every smarks dream and kick Vince’s ass, The Undertaker runs out and asurprise attacks! He’s weak as well. Now we’re up to the Main Event! Austin and Rock are on the roof, and we have a title match on our hands. If Austin can beat Triple H in a conveniently made World Title Match right here and now, he can have his wife back. Because it’s completely legal to kidnap someone’s wife and hold her ransom so the person you want to kill will come to you. Nope, of course not. Once you beat The Rock, you get some more music and Triple H proclaiming “If you play the game… you’ll lose!” Nice one-liner Trips! Did it take you this entire trip to make it up? He demands his woman come with him, but what’s even more important…

 

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE THE CHAMPION AGAIN! NOW GO OUT THERE AND USE THE SKILLS YOU HAVE LEARNED PLAYING THIS GAME TO GET A FUCKING LIFE! Credits, more polyphonic music and we’re done.

 

The best part of this game is that you only need to play through it once. All of the stories are the same! Change some dialogue and you have a different story. Now that you’ve beaten the game (Or I’ve beaten the game, you lazy bastard) you can play around with God Mode: 4232. In this nifty little selection, you have access all of the music in the game, including Triple H’s song that is absolutely nothing like any of his actual songs, go directly to levels instead of typing in passwords and a whole lot of other not-so-fun stuff.

 

I don’t recommend the game unless you can find it cheap or download it illegally. It gets annoying quickly. Once you’ve played through it, there’s nothing left unless you want to see dialogue for other superstars. If they doubled the wrestler count, this game would be a bit better. It’s fun while it last, and you can laugh at how stupid the game is while you play. I’ve already explained it for you, so unless you want the real experience playing… of course you don’t.

 

I’m not Sean.