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Good evening ladies and gentleman welcome to “The Rhetoric” a deep and biased look at wrestling websites who shovel Kayfabe at you like so much cat shit from a litter box. I’m your exhausted host The Conman, and this week we will be answering the hard questions. How the fuck much money does that doctor dude make who worked on Cena? What is Big Daddy V’s parentage? Are there still hardcore ECW fans? That, and more coming up later.
Let’s see what wwe.com has in store for me this weekend. As you know No Mercy’s this weekend, and in case you wanted to know down to the f’n second when it starts check out the countdown clock on the page.
There is also a recap of the Great Gazoo (Kahli) checking Rey Mysterio for head lice. Wait, he’s crushing his skull you say?! Poor Rey-Rey it makes you wish for the good old days of exploiting your friends’ death doesn’t it? The site proclaims this “a Biblical Beatdown”, I say we need to change the name of the Show to Friday Night Sodom and Gomorrah! This way it incorporates all the normal filth and on screen sex you love, and maybe Brother Love will come out and turn a diva into a pillar of salt.
Moving along we happen to see this article which doesn’t at all conjure image of illegal “enhancements”:
It appears “The Animal” was there to represent Nutrabolics at the international bodybuilding competition and exposition. Isn’t ‘exposition’ what Batista was threatening to sue people over? The World Champ then informed us common un-enhanced little people that: “its overwhelming if you’re not around bodybuilding and fitness”. Of course if you’re around, lets just say, juice bags and stacks of needles all the time its kinda commonplace right ‘teest? Hey Ed Norton never complained about the smell of the sewer did he?
The President of Nutrabolics claimed Batista is a “Global icon” and there is “no better spokesperson” for there product. I love when people say things that will come back to haunt them down the road. You mean to tell me that they couldn’t find somebody who WASN’T on a government shit list somewhere being accused of using illegally gotten substances. That’s like Kurt Cobain being the spokesperson for anti-depressants.
The Champ then met with fans and signed autographs, which was I’m sure the only thing going on there besides woman with “thick nubs” on there nether regions.
No this isn’t an article talking about Ric Flair’s inability to jump start “Space mountain” with his new wife. Nor is it an article about Lawler trying to sneak a roofie into a 20 something’s drink. This article is about “The Glamazon” (Ich!) Beth Phoenix.
According to experts, who study shitty Diva Matches, the pressure is on Beth to win the Woman Championship at No Mercy this Sunday. Why? It isn’t like there some great competition in that clap infested locker room of theirs. God, knows WWE never gives a bunch of rematches at PPV’s over and over again, heavens now that would be poor booking on there part and Vince never books poor.
The article recaps Candice Michelle’s Crucifix Rollup victory over the challenger on some forgotten night. Really though, there is no counter for that, see Candice is an expert, that’s how she used to stop “The Johns” from leaving without paying in a past career. Down a ways, it asks is Beth hearing strange voices in her head? Things like “she’s all hype” “You suck” and “Bring back Trish”.
Could “The Glamazon” go psycho and choke herself out at No Mercy? Wait I read it wrong, it was: Will she psyche herself out and choke at No Mercy? I think MY version would get some buys at least.
 Theres a video up there also with highlight from Cenas surgery this past week. The surgery was performed by “Sports Medicines Doctor to the Stars” Dr. James Andrews
The highlight here is to see the inside of John Cena, and  I think the little  Kintner boy from JAWS fell out of his peck!! Cool!!
This is the only title I think isn’t Kayfabe. I think Tommy Dreamer has had a broken spirit for years. So have most of the fans, and guys in the locker room. So I opened this up thinking finally WWE realized what was wrong with wrestling, but alas it was an article hyping another non-ECW original Big Daddy V. It seems ECW GM Armando “Shouldn’t you be holding Umaga leash” Estrada, sent Big Daddy V to destroy the ECW Original. He did just that, and earned a title shot at No Mercy. The article says this didn’t go over well with Hardcore ECW fans, here’s a fuckin newsflash…THERE AREN’T ANY!!
Sidebar: I saw EC f’n W live 2 times in my life back when it was at the Sportfest on Staten Island. It was mayhem and a true experience to see live. The greatest show I ever saw. WWE present ECW will never be ECW.
Anyway the article points and laughs at Dreamers walk to the back stage area, and puts over Big Daddy V as an unstoppable force. Sure a guy lingering on old Heat Programs for 7 years is now contender for a World Title. The real question is when will they work in the angle that he’s living proof that King Pin and the Blob had children? I might care then.
Over at TNAWRESTLING.com the first thing that caught my eye was a flashing banner offering Bound for Glory tickets….as low as $15. That being said (and sad) theres little to offer except a scrolling rundown of Bound for Glory matches. On one of them though there an “intense” pic of Angle looking like he needs Metamucil. I didn’t know having painkillers in your cornflakes causes you to bind up like that.
If you click on Mike Wests insane daily deals your given a “Black Hole Slam” of SPAM and some DVD offers that should be in the $2 bin at Walmart, along with Vince Russo. Why not have some video of Mike West screaming about getting a Robert Roode rookie card: “GET IT NOW BEFORE HE GOES TO WWE, PEOPLE!!”
Well that’s all for now, hopefully I will be back next week during my boring overnight at work to share some more. Remember buy No Mercy the weekend, cause Baby H needs diapers and so does Shane O’Mac!! This is The Conman saying send your ‘pinions to conman823@hotmail.com. Until next time, later.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).