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GUEST COLUMNS
GUEST
Guest Columnist 

TNA 
VICTORY ROAD
2007
(07/15/07)
 
Hello vast horde of fans! Regular guest Neil Cathan stepping in for a Total Nonstop Action PPV rant. I suck at funny intros. Besides, the little description Sean does on the front page'll be funnier than however I line it up. An apology first. My sky feed was down for the start of the show. I was able to catch some bits online, but I can't find the X-gauntlet. Daniels won. I was looking forward to it, and to recapping it, so believe me when I say I'm very sorry. On with the show...

Video package, where a lot of wrestlers who have never held world titles talk about how great it is to hold a world title. Great.

ANOTHER video package. About our main event. More Joe/Angle. That's clearly EXACTLY what we need.

VKM vs Bashams

YAWN. There's some run ins, and VKM get the pin. Some weird chick hits Hemme. There you go. That's it.

LOSER: ME. I have had to watch three VKM PPV matches. Only cure for that kind of workrate deficiency is to watch Punk vs Joe 2. I'll sit through the rest of this show first though. Just for you.

See, I can get away with being short about it, because you didn't care. And you know what? If you did, I want you to stop reading NOW. I want nothing to do with you.

Right. I see you're all here, adding weight to my "no-one cares about VKM" theory. While BG's beer gut adds weight to VKM.

Angle is backstage with the IWGP and TNA belts. Kurt does his whole ego thing. It's like cheap Christian. Angle says he has back up.

Rhino promo, where he tries to justify his stupidly booked actions. They're running the whole "Rhino has personal problems" thing again. Poor bastard. They love to tell us his wife left him.

Stupid booking aside, two good brawlers up next, so it should be good.

James Storm vs Rhino

According to Tenay, alcoholism nearly destroyed Rhino's career. Huh.To be honest, if the entire WWE writing staff suffered from alcoholism, it honestly wouldn't surprise me.

Rhino runs Storm out of the ring. Moore is sent backstage and Rhino takes Storm out on the outside. Brawl in the crowd, and Storm still hasn't got a shot off. Rhino throws Storm straight through the wall. Now don't get me wrong, I love seeing great technical wrestling, but there's something fun about watching an angry babyface destroy a heel.
Storm gets a few shots off, but to no avail. In the ring, and Storm is dominated before finally taking Rhino out as he climbs to the top. Gets 2 off a pin. Rhino is holding his neck, which Storm takes advantage of. Ortonlock, Rhino powers out, but is sent over the top. Rhino pulled back in, and a knee drop gets 2. Choke on Rhino, who powers out. Flying shoulderblock, but a neckbreaker stops his momentum.
Storm only gets 2 off it though, but he gets a beer bottle. From under the ring. In case the ring crew want to drink while they're setting up the ring. Suddenly the rope problems that cost Foley his ear makes perfect sense.

Ref takes the bottle, and after some brawling, Rhino gets a superplex for 2. REF BUMP! Superkick blocked, and Rhino gets a belly to belly off. Rhino runs in for the Gore, but Storm cracks him with the beer bottle, as ref gets up to count the pin. Storm with a noose. He ties Rhino up on the ropes. Remember how I said they were rehashing old Rhino TNA stuff? Here it is again.
Storm lays in chair shots, and forces Rhino to drink beer while Moore takes pictures of it.Storm takes a picture of Jackie posing in front of him. Refs fail to break the mess up. If this brings back the unstoppable monster Rhino, it's the only way it'll be redeemed in my eyes. Storm back in with another chair, delivering more shots.

WINNER: James Storm

Bestest wrestler in the world is backstage with Backlund and Letica. And suddenly we're RTC, talking about the evils of video games, profanity and litter. Lynn looks confused. I would too. Hell, if RTC good enough for Stevie Richards, it's good enough for Lynn.

Motor City Machine Guns w/Nash vs Lynn&Backlund

Nash looks kind of cool with Grey hair. Sabin and the guy who's not awesome on the Lynn/Backlund team start us off. Fans boo Craplund heavily. Steamboat style armdrag. Steamboat Backlund ain't. Sabin utilizes the fact that he's younger and faster to apply a submission to Backlund. Sabin escapes to the corner.

LYNN IS IN! So's Shelley! Hurray! This should actually be good. Jerry Lynn with the arm drag/armbar combo. Sabin in, and quick tags wear Lynn down. Ricky Morton wishes he was Jerry Lynn.

Lynn uses his power of sheer awesome to redirect an enziguiri from Shelley onto Sabin. Lynn fights both off for a while, but eventually the numbers game takes him out. Lynn sent outside, and the ref makes sure Nash doesn't do anything. Lynn mounts a nice come back, landing a sunset flip from the outside inside, but it doesn't last long. Backlund runs in, but ref stops him, as heels run Lynn into the post, and deliver corner dropkicks.
Backlund is a boring house on fire, and as ref sorts stuff out, Nash boots Lynn, very slowly, as West is unintentionally hilarious "I've never seen Nash move that fast" Lynn gets pinned off Nash kicking him. BOO!

WINNERS: Young guys, but only because another Old Guy helped them out.

Angle is looking for his backup. BM refuses to help Angle. Angle puts the belts on BM, and while he admires himself in the mirror, Angle jumps him, kicking the crap out of him. Way to bury the one person that a stupid gimmick worked for, Russo.

VIDEO PACKAGE. They run this silliness about Roode/Eric. Now Eric's won cleanly to get his freedom, shouldn't this angle be over? Oh...Russo. Silly me. No angles EVER ending for me.

ROODE INC vs Young/Kim.

Young does his whole "scared of the pyro" thing. Manly men start us off. Or, Roode and Young at least. Spear and punches on Roode. Young dominates Roode, and Brooks's interference gets Kim in, who is all kinds of awesome. Heels flee ring, and faces suicide dive out onto them. Kim with a backbreaker on Brooks. Roode comes in, and a forearm from Kim sends him down.
Young in, and taking out Roode. Young crotch crushed in the corner. Roode lays boots and a backdrop suplex gets two. Roode with the resthold on Young. House EN FUEGO! Roode puts the fire out quickly with a sideslam. Tracy gets in Eric's face, and Rode hits the northern lariat. Thank god that's not his finisher anymore. Not that any offense from him looks credible. Tracy clotheslines Young in the corner, and Young comes out and hits a lariat on Tracy. Kim in with clotheslines for Tracy, and a rana for Roode. Enziguiri from isn't sold at all by Tracy. DDT for Roode.

Eric gets put outside. Gail fights out with forearms, and a missile dropkick. Kim dodges a Roode elbow, which hits Brooks. SCREW YOU SPIKE! This ain't on your stinkin' network. Double dropick on Roode, and Kim pins Brooks for three. Eric looks concerned as Roode bullies Tracy. Because he cares deeply about the person that pretended she would have sex with him to make him a slave. That makes just PERFECT sense. Eric gets revenge by...pulling Roode's pants down.

Loser: Me. I had to see Roode with his pants down. Eww.

Angle is backstage looking for backup by beating people up. Man, that's how you make friends.

Harris cuts a smark pleasing promo, talking about how he was finally being given a shot as a singles wrestler after management pulling the plug on it so many times. Cage cuts a very good promo as well. What did you expect? He's Christian. Of course it was a good promo.

Christian Cage vs "Wildcat" Wille Chris Harris.
Both men get face to face. Crowd louder for Christian, but that's understandable. After a quick exchange, Harris takes Cage into the corner with chops, and then gets a vertical suplex off. Harris and Cage take it outside the ring, and Harris backdrops Cage onto the ramp. Flapjack in the ring. Cage doesn't crotch Harris, as the camera angle clearly shows. Missile European uppercut on Harris, and an abdominal stretch. Harris and Cage are back outside, and Cage is sent into the steps. Harris misses a flying clothesline back in the ring, and Cage slaps Harris, who Harris's up, hitting a bulldog. Nice jumping Lariat on Cage. Top rope bodypress on Cage, gets 2.
Cage cheap shots out, goes for the diamond dust, Harris blocks, but Cage hits a sitout facebuster from the top for two. Unprettier into Catatonic into Unprettier into Unprettier from Harris for 2. Spear on Cage gets 2. "We Love Christian" chant. Unprettier is kicked out of. Poor Christian, having his finisher kicked out of TWICE in one match. No credibility for your finisher, Mister Cage. Harris slingshots that evil Heel into the exposed turnbuckle. Cage gets a chairshot with ref's back turned for 2. Dustin Rhodes appears for a distraction. Harris has Cage up for the Catatonic, but Rhodes runs in, allowing Cage to get a cheap roll up.

WINNER: Christian Cage

Hurray! An even bigger roster! That's clearly EXACTLY what we need.

Sting/Abyss stuff. Oh the fun! A quote from Sting should sum this up "It's hard for anyone to bear" Oh. Apparently Abyss can talk. Screw.

I disagree with what Sting is saying. He claims Abyss is now free. But apparently not free of a stupid angle. I miss mute 'Byss. He talks slower than Nash works.

God Squad vs Styles and Steroids

Styles and Abyss start us off. Quick kick on Abyss's leg. Abyss chases AJ around the ring, and AJ jumps him when he comes back in. Abyss no sells Style's offence. I miss heel Abyss. Backbreaker, and Tomko in.
Tomko and Abyss trade shots. Sting tags in. Sting brawls with Tomko. Miscommunication allows Stinger splashes on heels, and Abyss is in to dominate. Boot on Tomko gets 2, and AJ flips out of a powerbomb. Abyss gets AJ for a Clash, but Tomko interferes. Abyss plays Ricky Morton in the heel's corner. Abyss with right hands, backdrop countered into a kick. Double clothesline, and Tomko gets a tag out.

Huuuuuge backdrop on Styles. Sting is in with a botched DDT, and a weird one hand bulldog on Tomko. Tomko sent outside, and lays right hands onto Styles. AJ dropkicks Abyss off the top, onto Tomko. Sting sends AJ out, and planchas on all three other men. Back in the ring, and an enziguiri gets two on Sting. Tomko in with a fallaway. Gets a two count. Chinlock on Sting. Beautiful dropkick from Styles on Sting. Tomko puts the boots to Sting, and gets two. Styles fails to rana Sting off the top. Sting gets a lariat off the top, and we get a standing count. Double tag. Double chokeslam is avoided. Big boot for Tomko, flapjack on Styles. Chokeslam on Tomko,but Styles gets the Pele off. Sting and Tomko brawl outside. Shock Treatment, which I always thought looked better than his finisher.
Tomko is in, avoids a chokeslam to hit a chokebomb for 2. Styles distracts ref as Tomko taps in the Deathlock. Black Hole Slam on Tomko gets three.

WINNER: ABYSS/STING

Mitchell cuts a promo on Abyss, building up the appearance of his monster. Hah! Bullfrog will have to do that one.

KER-HYPE VIDEO! Apparently all the TNA wrestler's are freakin' robots! Uh...I think that Kurt's logic chip has malfunctioned.

Super-dooper-mega-Title-Match-Of-Doom! Kurt Angle&Samoa Joe vs Team 3D!

Team 3D on their way out. D-Von flexes his muscles far too much. Joe has his big PPV entrance, with fire and hot chicks in grass skirts. "Joe's Gonna Kill You" chant kicks up Kurt does the Goldberg entrance from backstage, and tries to get Serotonin to back him up. Serotonin laugh at him. Angle beats them both up. Raven's nowhere to be seen. That's some stable.

Angle finally comes out to the ring. This one's for...ALL THE MARBLES! 3 refs hold the TNA belts up.

Joe and D-Von start us off. Armlocks and punches traded. Set of kicks to D-Von. D-Von gets a brief advantage, and Joe pushes him in the corner, controlling the action.

Angle in. Armdrags on both members of 3D. Ray with a chop on Angle, but catches a german. Joe in, intensely taking the fight to Ray. D-von in, and takes a beating. Suplex on D-Von by Angle, who's legal again. Joe back in. Chop, kick and knee drop combo, and Devon no sells the kick, taking two to go down. Second one and knee drop looked stiffer than usual. Angle is in. Backdrop suplex. Joe is in. Double teams for 3D.Joe with quick shots in D-Von. Crappy looking chokebomb on Angle, who's legal again. Ray pushes D-Von away, and chops D-Von to tag himself in. D-Von breaks up a Ray pin. Ray starts slapping at D-Von. Ray leaves. Ray comes back. Cheap shot on Joe, and then both work over Angle. Big hug. SWERVE~! We thought they hated each other! Oh that Russo! Making us think one thing, then leading us somewhere else. D-Von elbow drops Joe. Ray chokes Joe in the corner. Aren't 3D faces?

Neckbreaker on Joe. Chinlock, and an elbow drop. Devon rains shots on Joe in their corner. Joe is put in opposite corner, and hits a jumping stiff knee on D-Von. Ray knocks Angle down, stopping the tag. Damn perverse fans. Boo face 3D, cheer heelish behaviour 3D. Joe avoids a splash from D-Von, and takes Ray out. Joe tags to Angle, who takes out the tag champs. Series of lariats, backdrop, belly-to-belly, straps down. Angle slam is dodged, and Joe stops a Wazzup! Spiderman suplex on D-Von for 2. Powerslam from Joe gets 2 on Ray. Wow. Angle can still moonsault. Nice one. Gets 2 on D-von. "GET THE TABLES!" Sadly, 'twas not to be, as Angle and Joe lock in ankle locks on 3D. 3D on Angle, and Steiners break up the pin, cracking Ray with a pipe. Pin is stopped by Angle. Angle gets the Angle slam on Ray, and Joe takes Angle out to take the pinfall.

Decent show overall. I'm pissed that I missed the X match, but what can you do? Anyway, I had fun recapping it for you, and I hope you'll join me when I next make a regular guest appearance.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).