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GUEST
Guest Columnist 

REJECTED JOHNNY NITRO GIMMICKS
 
All of you sad, sad, sad souls who watch ECW have recently been made aware that our once great Champion(and by great ECW Champion I mean a solid midcarder on any other show) is tired of being labeled by a gimmick that is restrictive and not reflective of the real man. For Johnny Nitro is no movie star, no he is John Morrison rock star extraordinaire. Now, I thought I was crazy initially because I though the real Johnny Nitro was a young, athletic, Irish kid from Los Angeles with the very un rock-star name John Hennigan. I however was wrong, because WWE creative does not lie! Well, except for that whole thing about Vince being dead but that's just silly for me to bring up. Anyway, the WWE has finally tapped a well that might very well bring something worthy to the surface. John Morrison does not have to be just a rock star he can be whatever he damn well wants. I mean he's already been a rock star, a movie star, and a very green reality show contestant(Oh wait.) why not tap into various other characters. This has more potential than Al Snow's European title run(just without the work rate and natural charisma). But let's end the babbling and get down to what the future holds for our very own Lizard King(tm Sean).

Johnny Hemingway - What better gimmick to get our friend over with than that of one of America's most prolific wordsmith. No, I don't mean repackaging him as the Genius, you silly silly goose. I mean come on this stuff just writes itself. He's tired of being labeled as a drug addled, grungy Rock star. No, John Morrison shall be no longer. He is going to be in touch with his hand(not unlike your author) and write what's on his mind. Think of the possibilities!? We the first hand viewers as Johnny Hemingway writes such classics as "The Sun also rises" a story about two disillusioned youths played by Carlito and Victoria who are struggling with the meaning of life and why for the life of them they are stuck in the same spot they've been their entire WWE careers. Their about to give up on it all and simply fade out into the sun when they are reinvigorated by the legendary running of the Mantaur in Pamplona Spain. Watch as Johnny Hemingway gives a voice to a new generation as our friends our reborn in life just as it is about to be snatched away by these vicious creatures(Mantaur, not Stephanic Mcmahon).

It doesn't end there, no I bet you wish it would but it doesn't for he shall also pen classics such as "The Old Man and the Sea" as Ric Flair must face his old age and oncoming senility while still holding out hope to catch the big one. Watch as Ric battles the legendary Shark Boy as he sets out to prove he still has it in him to catch the big one.

Of course this gimmick must die out the same way the man died out, Johnny blowing his brains out ala Tim White at the place where everybody knows your name. No, not cheers you silly cunt. The Friendly Tap! Of course, this only kills the character not the man when he is then reborn as.

Johnny Cobain - Watch as Cobain must deal with a deep induced depression following his stint with K-fed all the while making music that will live on forever thanks in part to Grunge super-god Rad Radford and Guitar virtuoso Van Hammer. They live for wrestling but will die for their music watch as the men record such classics like "Smells like Vader's singlet", "Rape me" an ode to their fallen friend Heidenreich, and of course "The man who sold the world". the Stevie Richards story

All the while the media continues to reign down on him wondering just what is up with his relationship with girlfriend Melina Love. A woman known more for her annoying voice than her other "talents" in this case wrestling. We the viewer will be captivated on just how this story will end. Will Meline Love come between Johnny and his band mates? Can he get over his drug addictions and take his rightful place as wrestling/rock legend or will the viewer just stop caring just in time to introduce.

Johnny Diggler - As we all know Porn and Wrestling just go together. Hell, look at how much Val Venis was over back in the 90's and then there are the countless porn stars.. Er I mean adult entertainers Vinny Ru brought in back in the twilight days of WCW. Why not try to rekindle this market by introducing the Johnnny Diggler character based off of one of the greatest movies ever made in "Boogie Nights". We the audience will be left stunned as this once good boy from Los Angeles is picked up into the seedy world of adult pornography and made into a star. Well as much as a star as an ECW wrestler can possibly be and that's not saying a whole lot.. Watch as he uses his 12 inch. pythons, yes arms to plow his way through woman and the competition. But it isn't just his size that has the world abuzz, no Vince is apparently in love with this guy's endurance. Diggler knows no ends, on any particular night the audience will be captivated as he works a 10 minute match with CM Punk before finishing him off with his own variation of the Tequila Sunrise and then goes another 10 minutes with Elijah Burke before finally taking him down and dropping his own "fur" coat on the face of Elijah. Of course like any star wrestling star trying to mimic the 70's and 80's he will of course have to partake in a few powdered treats which will lead to a horrible accident after receiving a stiff kick by a horse(face) in Test permanently paralyzing him and forcing him to seek redemption as.

Johnny Reeve - Yes, the final gimmick he will ever need. That of a washed up celebrity no one really cared about until he got kicked in the face by a horse(face) in one Andrew "Test" Martin. He will be forced to give up his belt but not before teaching us all a valuable lesson about just how funny handicapped people are. We will be left in tears(of laughter) by how he shall continue with the facade that his girlfriend is somehow remaining faithful to ole gimpy. We will see him be humbled. sheik style of course, and we she shall see him learn to live again just not on WWE's insurance policy because that can get expensive. This story will touch us all in ways that a drunken night with JBL and Lawler could not do. We will simply learn how to live."

**Pictures created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).