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By The Unknown Wrestling Fan


John Cena’s SummerSlam opponent revealed. This is the Unknown Wrestling Fan reporting. The current, and seemingly endless, WWE title reign of John Cena has seen the champ beat nearly everyone on all 3 WWE rosters overcoming odds time and time again. New RAW arrival Bobby Lashley will face off with Cena at the Great American Bash and will undoubtedly be defeated. The next contender has not been made clear by the WWE on television and in the 10 plus months Cena has been mowing through the competition none have been pushed to the level that would qualify them to headline a major Pay Per View. With the outlook questionable no one was sure what to make of the main event picture heading into SummerSlam, until I conducted and interview with head of talent relations John Laurinaitis.


During the course of our interview Mr. Ace stated that Cena would be taking on a completely new challenger whom Cena has never faced in the ring. Puzzled by his statement I asked who this challenger would be, Laurinaitis’ answer? Cancer.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: Cancer is a very serious disease, to the best of my knowledge John Cena does not have cancer, don’t you think this may be in poor taste?


Laurinaitis: John is an incredible young man and we at World Wrestling Entertainment believe that he is the right man to tell this story.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: Still those who are affected by cancer might object because Cena doesn’t-


Laurinaitis: He will


Unknown Wrestling Fan: Excuse me?


Laurinaitis: We’ll be infecting John with cancer


Unknown Wrestling Fan: That’s terrible, I don’t know John but I can’t imagine him agree to such a thing


Laurinaitis: Didn’t you see him on Larry King? He does what he’s told


Unknown Wrestling Fan: Exactly what type of cancer will Mr. Cena be up against


Laurinaitis: Several ideas were tossed around, obviously the first being testicular cancer because on top of being deadly anything having to do with man berries is funny


Unknown Wrestling Fan: And why was that idea nixed?


Laurinaitis: Well having already jobbed to Scotty 2 Hottie hurt testicular cancer’s ability to be taken seriously as a contender. Breast cancer was brought up next but he’s a man and he doesn’t have boobies so that was out.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: Clearly


Laurinaitis: Dusty Rhodes suggested brain cancer but as we all know Matt Capottelli is currently in a program with brain cancer, which brought us to Mesothelioma.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: You’re going to give him Mesothelioma? That’s the deadliest form known to man! There’s no cure and most die within 6 months of diagnosis


Laurinaitis: We don’t anticipate the program to last that long we’re confident it will be over before Survivor Series.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: But he could die


Laurinaitis: There’s an outside chance, but let’s not forget John has beaten Umaga, The Great Kahli, Shawn Michaels, and Triple H.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: Those were predetermined matches, you’re talking about possibly sentencing a man to death.


Laurinaitis: We have every confidence he will over come the odds once again, recover, and be ready for he’s biggest challenge to date at Survivor Series.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: I shutter to ask but who did you have in mind?


Laurinaitis: I can’t give you a name but he is a very powerful individual, millions worship him, he’s headlined a WWE Pay Per View before, he even teamed with Shawn Michaels.


Unknown Wrestling Fan: Good God no!


Laurinaitis: That’s right although technically it will be bad God, God will be the heel in this program.


That concludes my time with John Laurinaitis, it sounds like interesting times are in store for WWE in the coming months, so remember TNA iMPACT! Thursdays at 9 PM on Spike TV. This has been the Unknown Wrestling Fan reporting.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).